It's been 9 months today that I was D&D. ExN is a colleague at work too!! He is a widower with three young children (6,4,2), and I loved them all. I gave up and sacrificed so much of myself and he dropped me so easily. How could I have so stupid? Every time I pick up he made some kind of contact that brought me back down. It takes everything in me to be civil and professional at work while I'm falling apart inside. The woman/girl I suspected him of is the new girlfriend. She is this awesome girl, eleven or twelve years younger than me (25/26); he's 35; and I'm boiling with envy, anger, humiliation, and regret. So much regret for letting myself into that situation. He started out so charming, loving, and attentive. I stressed comunication at the start and he showed it.
I am so heartbroken. I thought he loved and respected me. Now, people tell me I was not like his late wife - she is described as a woman who took care of the kids, always stayed home, passive, did what ever he wanted and his dreams were hers. She died unexpectedly of a heart condition that shocked everyone because she was healthy and young (33). He started dating me about a year after her passing. I did not know her because I started working at my job a couple of months after her death. I figure he started stalking me after I started working and I thought he was a nice guy, sad because of his lost.
He described his marriage as "perfect" and later people said she was frustrated because he was never home and always working on his goals. She hated living here but this was the place and job that would allow him to do what he wanted. They were married 5.5 years and dated for 3. I know all this because he told me all of it and I listened with a compassionate ear. All his crying, and dramatic "firsts" with me - sex, and everything else. His father stayed with him for a year and when he was sure I was on board to date him exclusively, he staged an argument with his father and told him to leave. His father helped him with the children and he kicked him out after a confrontation where he threatened his father (60 year old man) that he'd beat him.
After three weeks of dating, he brought up marriage. I was hesitant, and he asked me twice to marry him (one week apart). He said he wanted to honor me and have me become a mother to his children. I wanted it so bad because I thought he was everything he showed me. After I accepted, the silent treatments started, his mood swings started up, and the negative comments. Once, I asked him what new things he discovered about me (before they were all positive), and he replied, "I didn't know how indecisive you are." I remember my blank expression and forgot the playful comment I had for him. Then he said, "I thought you were confident, but I see how you go back and forth in your decision making." Later, he started to comment about my taking "too long" to get ready, and I started to defend myself because he had mentioned it before and he'd say, "Easy, don't get upset. You're getting defensive. I'm just saying I guess I've dated "hippi-ish women before, and you're not like that."
By the end of the fifth month, I was a mess; a pure mess. Yes, I was not the calm, confident woman I was. I constantly worried about him, the kids, and he started to get angry about my family's teasing, and my "unstability." He knew how much getting married and having children meant to me and started to withdraw/reconsider the engagement. I was devastated, and he said I had to "prove" that I wanted to be the kids' mother, and that yes, he was testing me. I remember telling him that I had put aside law school, and put them (him and the kids) as the center of my life.
Then one day, he brought a new woman to work. I didn't know her and he brought her around me and I was already stressed about him because he had withdrawn from me after saying that my happiness was his priorty (almost sarcastically), and I became jealous of the attention he gave her. I told him I wanted him to acknowledge me and he said I was overreacting. This girl he had taken on a date before dating me and the day after (because I had cried and screamed at my home wondering why he was moody and silent with me), I emailed that I felt I was taken for granted and wanted his love, patience, and heart. I ended up at his house later crying and begging for his forgiveness and he said it was over - that I was too unstable, too demanding, too complicated, high maitenance, and I didn't let him enjoy his past (with his late wife).
I'm sorry - this is so long. I have been moving on soooo slowly. He's know dating the girl he brought to work; and he walks around so arrogently; and I am so humilated. This hurts and I wish it would end. It's not fair. There were so many signs, but I let him explain them away with his "my left me when I was a baby," "my dad is a recovering alcoholic," and "my wife died, and now I"m a widower with three kids."
I'm not sure, but about a month ago, I finally got out the stuff that was inside, "you used me," after his six year daughter told me he had a new girlfriend. Then, he switched his arrogant face to anger and brought up his late wife, and stormed off crying. It became so dramatic. A few days later, someone broke into my house and took my personal picture from a frame and a law school acceptance letter (that I DECLINED for him). Was it him? I have no proof and he'll hoover every now and then, when I'm feeling good.
This has been a awful experience and I want it to end, but these reminders, seeing him and the new girlfriend and kids. Torture. I keep my head up but it's so terribly hard. So much anger, and it seems there is no justice. None at all - he's got the new girlfriend who is young, ambitious, and exciting, the kids call her mom, and he's in a graduate program I helped him get in. I feel my reputation is shot and I can't "bad mouth" him because we are such a small town.
A year ago, we were engaged, planning for the future (of me staying home with the kids), and fresh. A year later, I am sitting home and still hurting. I have picked up, several have said that I look different (in a great way), and seem like a happy person. I guess I hide my pain well.
I am venting...my family and friends tell me to get over it, he's a jerk and move on. I feel so lonely and rejected. I had nightmare, got out of them, but they came back after the stolen personal items. I'm sick of it!! I dreamed that a monster that looked human had killed a camp full of people, and I just as I made my escape, a dark shadow blocked my escape and I ended up back in the campsite. That's what it feels like - I"m back just when I got out. I remember feeling on top of the world that I was out of that relationship and then the personal items were taken from my home. Back to square one - pisses me off. If you've made it this far - thank you. I really need some type of support.