venuslovedpluto's story

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Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
serene69
serene69's picture

Understanding

We can't ever understand them. That is the big problem as they simply are not human - they are aliens. They have been projecting this image from such an early age, they do not know anything different, any other way to act. My ex N hinted I had fallen in love with the idea of him. Another time he told me he was damaged, that he had no empathy. Didnt care about anything. So an awareness - but no attempt at all to change any of this. In fact after revealing that to me he became far worse ini his behaviour rather than opening up more to me. They are reptiles - they are snakes - they really are like aliens who have been put on this earth.
Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
M
M's picture

Mine told my mom once that

Mine told my mom once that he had a "dark side". After HE filed for divorce, he said, "It's going to kill me to see another man living my life with you in this house." Are there any sites, books for co-parenting with an N?? I want to protect my daughter until she is old enough to be able to ask for NC..
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

The N

My ex told me once that he's definitely narcissistic but then qualified it saying "only to a degree and so are you...isn't everyone?" I wonder if he feels totally void if he's alone for too long. I can't imagine what it would be like to have no real sense of self. All this time I just thought he was a "man's man". Like Al Bundy or something.
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
rache
rache's picture

al bundy

No,even al has a conscience.
Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Normal?

Yeah no kidding. I don't think he has one at all. I remember so clearly how he was while he was hiding his marriage. Totally happy, totally fine. Never seemed stressed, never lost sleep, never seemed to almost want to tell me something and then not...nothing that you would think you'd see on someone hiding that kind of lie for so long. I can only conclude that he must've been enjoying it. He was so miserable when I left. He did everything he could to get me back. From the man I was engaged to. Sent me presents thru my Mom (who thought he was better for me than my fiance), told her he'd been planning on proposing himself, said so many sweet things, I feel so cheap now. Like he bought me with lies. Because he succeeded. I left the guy I was with for him because I truly thought I'd met the person who was meant for me while I was with another. And when I got back he systematically took all of those things back. How could that have been on a subconscious level? Why is it so important to me to determine whether or not he had malicious intent? He says he doesn't remember telling me I wasn't a priority. Says he thought I wanted to come back anyway. Told me when I came back that he wasn't "ready for a commitment" and I hadn't even asked for one, was just confused about his distance. It seems intended to me. The bait, hook, stab. Conscious. It's making me crazy, wanting to know. I want to tear it all down, look at it, look right at the parts that hurt the most. Is this normal?
Feb 22 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
rache
rache's picture

Its called

being a pathological liar! He never loved his wife,you,or,any other! a sociopath like my ex is what this guy sounds like-without a conscience(although i think they have one its been seared!)a seared conscience-who wants someone like that?
Feb 22 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Malicious lies

Yes I know he's a pathological liar and his conscience is definitely lacking, to say the least. But what I'm struggling with is the malicious lies. He used to tell me that he "doesn't have a mean bone in his body" and totally comes off as a sweetheart. But when I moved out of state and then came back, started feeling that distance, that weirdness, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was dealing with a manipulative brat. I'd thought he was heartbroken when I left. That was the sentiment he'd expressed. But now it seems he was angry. When I "left him". Like a child who wanted his toy back. So he lied and dangled some bait, I did come back. He got what he'd wanted. Looking at those lies now, they were cruel. He'd told my mom that he'd wanted to marry me. But was married. He must have known, as he was playing that game, that at some point that I'd be asking for more than he could give and would feel like I got played. I wonder if that gave him some kind of sick satisfaction. And that makes me FURIOUS. That he toyed with my Mom. That he took freely from me under the guise of being someone else. I feel not just wronged, violated, I feel like I was tormented. Consciously. And it makes me want to take that back. It doesn't make me want revenge, doesn't make me want to hurt him...it makes me mad at myself for buying into his lies and giving him that satisfaction that he so did not deserve. One of the lies that makes me most upset is him telling me (after I came back) that he'd met some other girl when I was gone. At a grocery store. And had dated her for a bit, had even slept with her. I was dumbfounded. He'd pursued someone else? When I was gone? But I'd thought he was missing ME, wanted to be with ME. "But you had your fiance", he'd told me. Yeah but that was different! That was the guy I'd been with when I'd met him...the guy I LEFT for him. This was a girl he'd pursued even though he was trying to get me to come back? It didn't make sense at all and was so painful. I remember crying that day. I was sitting on my sofa with him, hearing this, and couldn't hold back the tears. He said sorry then got up and left. No hug, no sincere apology. But after finding out about his wife, he told me that he'd made that up. What the hell??? Told me I was the only one, that there had been no one else, it was just an ego thing. "A guy thing", he'd told me. Said to let me know that he didn't need me, that he could get someone else if he'd wanted to. Hadn't been depressed and waiting around for me. But that logic made no sense either. I'd left my fiance. Was back in the state, was with him. What would be the point in letting me know about that after I was back? With him? I think it was said to hurt me. To let me know that I was insignificant at that point. Not the ONE, not special. Replaceable. It's that kind of vindictive stuff that I'm having a tough time processing. It's cruel. This kind of stuff, though it hurts and I still don't really understand, is what keeps me strong when I start missing him. Reminds me of what kind of person I'd been dealing with and do not want back in my life to suck anymore of my positive energy. I refuse to be a pawn in someone's deluded overblown fantasy of himself. It just makes me angry in a way that I don't have the right words for and have been really struggling with.
Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
rache
rache's picture

(ITS)Always

the opposite of what they tell you-THAT you can believe,as,nothing they say is truth,unless,its half truths=like SATAN-the deceiver.
Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

venuslovedpluto

these creatures are sooooo sick and their brains are such a mess (even MRIs show it) they don't know lies from the truth. Get as far away as fast as possible and get professionals (lawyers) involved if you need to. Stop worrying about being a pawn. EVERY REAL PERSON ON THE PLANET IS A PAWN TO THEM!!! STOP STOP STOP analyzing everything he said or told you - there's no figuring out the words of a pathological or why. Their ACTIONS are the only things that matter. Get out of dodge and NO CONTACT! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Instincts

I'm not seeing him anymore, I'm not letting him close to me in any way other than dealing with what this has left me emotionally. I don't know why it's important to me to analyze his behavior, I guess that's just how my mind works. Analytical mind. I need to be able to look at it and make some kind of sense of it in my way before I can put it away. It's not that I'm trying to figure out what his words meant, I'm looking at the actions around them to help me process. I'm still experiencing a little bit of denial. I absolutely hate admitting it but the point of being on here is to be honest. I can't just turn off my mind and stop thinking about it. It bothers me, it freaks me out, I don't want to have urges to call him or be with him and I think that's why I'm looking for the malicious intent. To help me feel like I'm not crazy. He would do certain things that seemed nice or seemed innocent but I could FEEL anger behind it. I could sense that there was something vindictive behind some of the things that he did. That was my intuition trying to protect me and I remember hearing it and disregarding it back then. Now my intuition feels out of whack. I get a feeling about something and I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or if I'm just relearning how to trust my own senses. This process feels like it's important. I don't mean to be redundant and I hear what you're saying but I'm wanting to trust myself now. So if I feel like I need to process something in a certain way I'm trying to allow myself. I do think you're right that I might be looking at this a little too hard though.
Feb 22 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
rache
rache's picture

the malicious intent was there

they do it subtle but intend for you to "GET IT" in such a way they can go back and forth with it=i meant it,or,i didn't mean it etc.Its to confuse you so you'll think you're the crazy one!
Feb 22 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Get it

Oh wow, I've totally experienced that. Times when he would say, "Why can't you get it through your little brain, there's nothing going on". "My LITTLE brain?", I would say. "Oh, come ON. Can't you take a joke? Do you have to take everything so seriously? That's part of your problem. You need to totally lighten up or you're just going to drive me further away. You just don't get it, do you? Please talk to me when you can think rationally, you're driving me crazy."
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
rache
rache's picture

Ugh huh

THERE YOU HAVE IT! Simple wasn't it,as,it was there all along-the malicious intent....
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Lies

Yeah I guess so. I still wish I could see for myself what's out there in Idaho for him though. Isn't that pathetic? That I so badly want to catch him in another lie? As if it wasn't bad enough that he hid his WIFE, it drives me nuts wondering if I was the only one he screwed around with while we were together.
Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
rache
rache's picture

Safe to say

you definitely weren't the first nor will be his last.And,it doesn't matter if the "OTHER"woman is fat/skinny/short/tall-if he's a narc he'll "DO EM ALL" (the ones he can deceive anyhow).
Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Maybe?

That makes me so mad. He still (up till when I last saw him) swore that I was the only since he met me. Swore on his kids lives. You don't think that's possible at all?
Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
rache
rache's picture

You're joking right?

My ex N swore on his three grandkids lives(by adopted son)and his sons life as well as his own that he wouldn't call my aging aunt and bother her.He did two days later! THEY do not care about GOD or anything else.
Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

No

No, wasn't joking. I'm still in the phase in between anger and total acceptance I guess. It's still really hard for me to imagine him wanting to sleep with someone else.
Feb 25 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
bemybest
bemybest's picture

I am relating ...

I am having a really hard time as well...he is a liar, a liar...I have to remember this...they can seem so sincere...why, why do they continue to try to keep coming back? I am so jealous of the women he is calling and seeing..I know I cognitively understand all this, but emotionally I am struggling. He is sending me such romantic emails, wants to take me on a cruise, wants to put the engagement ring on my finer....telling me he understands now what he is...wants to whatever it takes to fix this. Why isn't he just moving on? Why is he tormenting me...I don't let on he is...he is desperate for supply...but he can get fresh exciting supply with someone new...why is he trying to get me back?
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
rache
rache's picture

I think

we have a right to feel angry,then,let it go.They will always cheat-my psychologist said IF i catered to the EX socio/psycho-narc 24/7 and did everything he could possibly ask for and more-that-it would NEVER be enough.And,he asked how i would feel when he finally would dd me-and-my ex is 66.He has been looking from the time he met and married me for other women.They will never change.
Feb 23 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

too hard to read

too hard to read please start over at top, thanks! column is too narrow.