10 weeks post-discard...just saw that he is online with skype

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#1 Nov 22 - 8PM
Leah
Leah's picture

10 weeks post-discard...just saw that he is online with skype

It's 10 weeks since he broke up with me. For almost 8 weeks I cried and sobbed, wondering what I did wrong. Between talking dozens of hours to friends, finding a therapist and reading NPD info on this site & others, I thought I was recovering.

He used me & abused me, both long-distance & in-person, and I'm trying to teach myself to love myself again.

Just now, while I was writing a comment on another board, my computer flashed a little update - that he's on Skype. Right now.

I cried & almost threw up.

I'm new to Skype. I only joined it because of my long distance relationship with him. He joined it for the same reason. He bought a webcam for it, too.

I didn't realize it flashes those 'updates'. I'll make sure to delete him so that doesn't happen again.

I'm shocked at how upset I am. I have a lot of healing to do. A lot. I'm still fragile and now all I want to do is write him and tell him how much he's hurt me, but I won't. I've kept NC until now, no reason to break it.

My stomach is turning. My guts been in knots, literally, for weeks. I have IBS and it's in high gear.

I wish I had never put myself through this. In the beginning there were so many red flags, but he showered me with affection and gave me so much attention...in the beginning...that I bought it. Then grad school started in late August and he started student-teaching - new 'supply' - and he told me his feelings for me weren't as strong as mine were for him.

On the breakup call, he said his feelings changed for me because I delayed buying the ticket to visit him. He said it was just like his ex-wife - say one thing and do another. This made no sense to me because we had planned the week; I just needed to put the ticket on my credit card, and it took me 3 weeks longer than I had planned to buy the ticket because at the time I was coming out of a botched medical procedure & 100-degree heat in my apt. I asked him why he didn't tell me that my procrastination bothered him - he said he had. He reminded me that back then, he had said to me, 'Don't buy the tickets now. They're too expensive for you.' He said that THAT was his way of telling me I was taking too long to buy the tickets. That sounded like Chinese to me - how would I have understood his passive aggressive language? He said that's when his feelings changed for me, and they never were the same. What?! Even though I bought the tickets, visited him & told him I was seriously considering moving to his area?

Now I'm really nauseous. He's rarely on Skype. He's probably on there with some new woman he's charmed. I'm really disgusted.

He threw me away with a 35-minute phone call. Now he's already onto another woman, 2.5 months post-breakup. It's disgusting.

He comes off as this sweet, socially-awkward, nerdy, smart guy. But in private moments he's unpredictable, doesn't know how to respond to the feelings of others and out of nowhere will be critical, will belittle you or be demanding/controlling during sex. He's a puzzle to me and he really hurt me. Six months of what I *thought* was a relationship that he discarded without a thought, and now I'm almost 3 months into healing...and it seems like the healing work I've done is fragile.

*sigh*

When am I going to be done with this and moving on?

I'm actually moving to his area, not to be with him, but to go to grad school. I'm 37 and I'm going back to school after all these years. I want to be able to be there without thinking of him or caring about what he's doing. God, this is hard.

Thank God I'm in therapy right now.

Thanks in advance for your feedback & words.

-Leah

Nov 23 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi Leah

Welcome aboard! as someone who spent 15 years, if you can believe that one, being discarded and brought back more times that a we dish towel, i can tell you ,YOU will get better with time and hard work/effort on your part. Seeing a good therapist is important, reading a lot about NPD and reading what people on this board write about will all come together to give you the insight you need. After 15 freaking years with this man, he takes off for another state, such a coward, he cannot even come back to pick up his belongings I faithfully store in my place for so many months and later got rid of. i know he is afraid of women, he told me many years ago, and i am convinced his mother played a number on him as a little boy growing up, a narcissist herself and kept him too close to her apron strings and he never developed into a unigue self or with even a sense of self.Regardless I never got any real closure and these men are hollow and empty inside, if they were real, we both would of had a normal breakup and could moved on much easier.they are very scared, fragmented, distraught, men with a limited range of emotions, as my therapist once said, they could care less about us, it is all about them ,remember.YOU WILL GET BETTER.
Nov 22 - 11PM
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and support

It means a lot to me. I hear what you're all saying...it all makes sense. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know *intellectually* that I'm a good person with a big heart and that I'm lovable. But every moment that I realize that he threw me out of his life like that...that he doesn't care how I am right now...that he could care less about me. When I think about the devalue & discard, it makes me so nauseous and despondent that I get dizzy sometimes. I feel like I'm going crazy. If you look at my story, you'll see how he played me, and how I ignored all the signs. I know some of you are saying that ignoring the signs is normal. But they were BIG signs. I remember telling my friends about them, back then. But I kept pushing myself to be patient and to 'see' him and get to know him. I was way too patient and tolerant of all of his oddities and strangeness. I remember him telling me about 2 different women who cut dates short with him because they literally left. One woman left a stroll in the park by saying, 'I have to be somewhere' and the other left his kitchen (& house) saying, 'I'm outta here!'. His dark psyche was unconsciously warning me - STAY AWAY! RED ALERT! RUN FAST & DON'T LOOK BACK! I wish I had paid attention to those signs because doing so would've saved me a lot of heartache. My therapist keeps reminding me that he manipulated me, and that the 'nice guy' that I miss is really an empty shell of a human being who charms people, uses them and throws them away. Intellectually I get all of it. Yet my heart is still broken. Sometimes I feel strong again, but it's rare. And then tonight to see that he's using the webcam that he bought to talk to me...with some conversation that's likely with another woman...it puts me in a rage. Two weeks ago I had almost a week of visiting my local park every day and raging under a grove of trees, talking to him. Last week I didn't keep it up, and I think it's affected me. When I don't process the anger, it turns into shame, depression, self-doubt & panic attacks. I need to go back to the park tomorrow. It was actually during a 'ragefest' under the trees 2 weeks ago that I got the intuition that this guy had NPD. I was praying a lot that night. I feel like some divine guide brought that 'Aha' moment to me. Prior to that awareness, I sobbed for weeks, wondering what I did to deserve being thrown away. He claimed the reason he broke up that day was because of an e-mail I sent him the day before (Sat.). The e-mail was long, and I shared that I had strong feelings for him, feelings that intensified because of visiting him; these feelings had been bottled up because for the previous 3 weeks he hadn't had much time to communicate because of his graduate program. In the e-mail I asked him why his feelings had changed for me. The next day, Sunday, when he called me, he was upset. He said the e-mail distracted him from studying on Sat. and that he didn't have time for feelings right now. I got nervous and asked him if he had enough time to talk. He responded, "Now, that REALLY annoys me. First you asked me if you could ask me a question, and I said 'yes.' And then you ask me if I have enough time?! When you ask me questions like that...'Are you sure?'...'Do you have time?'...It makes me question the first answer I gave you!!!" I was terrified and started crying. Then later in the call, he was trying to get off the phone without clarifying what our status was. I asked him if it was ok if I sent him more than 1 e-mail a week...he said it wasn't a good idea. I asked if it was ok if I sent him photos from my vacation when I visited him. He said it wasn't a good idea. I then asked if it was okay if I told him I loved him in those e-mails, and he said I shouldn't. I said, "Are you breaking up with me, ***? Because I don't want to break up with you." He said, "Yes, I am." I asked him, "Did you just break up with me because I asked you?" He said, "Yes, I did." When I asked him why he was breaking up, he said that we were too different (in the beginning of the relationship he said he loved how different I was from him). He also said that he 'figured' out that the reason bumping into his ex-gf (walking with her new guy) got him so down for several days was because in that relationship, he had stronger feelings for her than she did for him. He said in our relationship, I had stronger feelings for him than he had for me (when did THAT happen?!). He said it wasn't fair for him to hold onto me, that I should be open to other men. That my heart would be broken, but that it was the best thing in the long run. He said, "You have no idea how hard this is for me." Then he said he had to go, and I said he didn't. He said, "I'm being an a*hole. I have to go, or I'm going to say something I'll regret.". Then he said, "Good bye, ***," I said good bye...and he hung up. He probably would've said something worse (if that's possible). 2 or 3 weeks before, there was a night when he wouldn't answer his land line. I called his cell. He said he was screening his calls because he had chewed and cursed out a telemarketer an hour earlier, and he was afraid he'd rage at someone else. He even got off the phone with me - he was afraid he'd rage at me too. He couldn't control it. And why do I miss the 'nice guy' side of him??? He's really mentally sick and had me walking on eggshells. He mistreated me and manipulated me. Why am I missing him??? I need to embrace my anger and stay with it until it's done. Otherwise, I slip back into this 'I miss the nice guy' slump...and I feel like s**t about myself. Even though this relationship was long-distance, it really f**d with my head. In fact, because it was long-distance, it was mostly all words...and they're all stuck in my head (& body) now. Lately my body & brain keep sending me memories of conversations & intimate moments, as if to ask me - "Do you remember how you felt in that moment? You didn't feel safe, you felt violated, you felt scared, you didn't feel respected. But in those moments, you repressed your feelings...you stuffed them and ignored them, because you wanted to be loved. You stopped feeling and didn't protect yourself. You made yourself vulnerable to a crazy man who deeply hurt you." I know my body's wise. I wish I had listened to her last spring, when she sent me so many signals. Instead I fell in love with a dark, dark soul who used & abused me. Next time, I will be awake. I will never date a PD'd person again. No surprise, my mother has BPD (with whom I'm estranged). I'm predisposed to relationships with crazy people. I'm a classic co-dependent. I have a high tolerance for abuse & crazy behavior. This is my healing work - to build my self-esteem & my boundaries, so I never date/am attracted to a copy-cut of my mother (and father combined) ever again. This is the last mentally partner. Never, ever again. I don't want to be attracted to an abuser ever again. How much therapy I'll need to do to get to that healing place, I have no idea. I've been in & out of therapy for 15+ years. This time in therapy, I have to make a breakthrough. I can't go through this again in the future, because the next time it would break me. I'm not cut out for being thrown away like this.
Nov 22 - 10PM
Ava
Ava's picture

Hiya Leah

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this awful experience & so sad to read what that ass has done to you. It is disgusting. And ridiculous. And my heart is with you. I am amazed & impressed at how far you have come already. You are well onto the path of healing & your post just shows already was a strong & courageous person you are. Please try not to be hard on yourself, it will take time, give yourself that time. And don't beat yourself up for not seeing the red flags or think that you just "put yourself" through this. PDs are absolutely EXCELLENT manipulators and what he did was NOT your fault or failing. Be proud of yourself that you are at such a stage of awareness & understanding already - it is so impressive; as is the fact that while you've been knocked, and knocked hard, you're still pushing forward & going back to school etc. It may not feel like it but you ARE moving on, you ARE healing. Its just a long & complex process after having had a relationship with a narc. But you will get there, I've no doubt - your strength & character are already shining through :) Ava xx

Ava

Nov 22 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Leah
Leah's picture

It didn't even occur to me that I'm moving on, Ava

So, thanks for saying that. I feel like I'm standing still and he's on roller blades way ahead of me...he's already conquesting another woman. I've BARELY made my deadlines for my grad school application (I'll be finishing the online application over the long weekend). I owe that to him. He had to break up with me: - 9 weeks before I had to take the GRE (test for grad school) - 11 weeks before my grad school appl. is due So, I'll try to see myself as moving on. Right now I feel like I'm just barely making it through each day. Until a week ago, I still ended up almost crying while teaching. Thanks again, I'll try to remember what you said. -Leah
Nov 23 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
Ava
Ava's picture

You are moving on Leah - honestly, I am so impressed

I know that may sound stupid to you but truly I am. I'm 11ish months since the "discovery" of who my exN really was, the break-up & the d&d. I was in shock for a good couple of months - couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breath, lost my job & had NO idea what was going on. I started obsessing but it was all stuff about "what did I do wrong" & "how to get your ex back" crap. I was SO confused, so lost. I didn't start learning about NPD for at least 3-4 months & I didn't take any of it on board, really take it on board, for maybe close to 6 months. And I truly understand the feeling of standing still while he's whizzing off to his wonderful new life; my exN got married to a 21 year old last month [nifty timing with his just expired visa...!]. Keep reading the blogs & the posts on here - you'll see how much it eventually shows that NPDs may look like they're happy & racing onwards with their glorious lives, but in reality on the inside they are empty and full of fear & anxiety - they are just great manipulators & fakers - they have to keep moving, keep distracting themselves so they don't have time to think or have to face themselves. And they'll just repeat the cycle, destroying their "new life" pretty soon enough. In particular, see this webpage - its a great one :) http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/12/other-woman-now-hes-happy.html You are doing so amazing - I am so impressed & inspired at the strength & guts in your post. You barely made your deadlines - but you DID and ARE making them. Of course the asshole had to time it when he did; they have an uncanny ability to not only screw you but to pick the absolute worst time to do it. But he hasn't been able to stop you. And he wont. Someday you will have days where you realise you haven't felt like crying, days when you realise you haven't even thought of him. And you'll look around & see all the things you're achieving, the grad school that you are going to kick ass in, the good, non-disordered people around you, you'll realise how so much anxiety has just melted away and you will quietly smile to yourself realising that you're out & he is still stuck with himself, living his hellish, fake, fundamentally lonely & disordered existence for the rest of his life. You are moving Leah - forward, onward & upward. I can see it in your words so clearly. Onward to much better things & a much better place :) Big hugs, Ava xx

Ava

Nov 23 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Leah

I'm sorry you saw him on skype and it took you back a ways. You sound like your moving forward in recovery. Remember this is not a normal breakup. Normal break ups are a mutual discussion on why it's time to move on or maybe even remain friends. Narc's will never give closure and my goodness closure is important. Its all his fault for pretending to mirror an image of someone he wished he could remain in the beginning. That is who you miss. Sadly, that is not who he is. I think for normal people this kills our self esteem sometimes. Please don't think any of this was your fault. You did what normal people do in a relationship. He was the abnormal one. And if he chatting with someone on skype, feel bad for her as she will be discarded also. They never change for the new woman. Never. Nobody else will ever have the better part of him because it doesn't exist. Take care of yourself and take him off your skype contacts. Good luck.
Nov 22 - 10PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Hi Leah

Honey i feel for you... I have been trough a lot of stuff,i did everything i could (and couldnt) to be with this guy,also long distance,from Europe to Tulsa Oklahoma.....i got discarded after 2 days arriving in Tulsa from Europe ....Please read my story....Is not what you did or didn't doe,i was with my ex N for 2 years,on Skype,gmail cell phone,we spoke everyday,he never missed 1 ! begged me to go and be with him,i was THE BOMB.....yes and when i got there 24 hours later it started....and finished...NOT ...till now i have been on therapy for 2 years,he went NC on me till...i saw him on Skype just like you....i started shaking,crying got sick....i called him,he told me he could was talking to a woman ,hewas good folks like me,and he was trying to get that realationship to start off....i told him couldnt you have taken another acount...(in my case i was the only one on his account and me in his)he told me to get a grip Skype is not mine and he has theright to do what he wants with his pc stuff...he blocked me...in my case we were not on cam,we sent thousands of pictures to each other,spent hours listening to music together,playing games,i learned him to speak dutch,even found an appartment for him when he had to leave home because his daughter acused him abusing her (she went to the police)he was declared non guilty....i did everything i could for that man,is not what YOU or ME did is them...mine has bought a webcam after he dumped me...told me he was doing cyber sex,maybe with a man or a woman...he is 43 years old,3 kids,15 17 18 .....he is NC on me....is been 2 years since i have been discarded,i have been mentally abused by him,sexually abused,he broke my self esteem down,i am a very good looking ,empathic,was always a strong woman....he never gave a thought what would do to me the way he treted me,is like i didn,t exist anymore,he forbidd me to contact him but he did sometimes send me emails saying he didn,t wanted to have conversations with me anymore,but wanted to know how i was doing....i broke NC when i saw hi on Skype and i did googled him and saw him, a43 year old father of 3 on teenagers sites,gay sites etc...is not us is them...Believe me,talking to him wont change that,mine is also afraid of me now,because he knows i know a lot of thinghs about him,he told me in our last conversation i was a very strong woman....and indeed,i am working out at the gym again,looking good,i AM NOT what he told me i was after the D&D(ugly,old,selfish an asshole)he is 43 looks 55,is a very angry afro american working an underpaid job(but a very social necessary job)as an utility worker/maintenance at Housing...he is very intelligent,but emotionally damaged and crippled and i do not recognise him anymore....scares me that a person can be for so long what he is not....i am glad i am still alive he is a psychopat,since he dumped me he showed me his real HIM....is evil,to ANYBODY that gets near him....he doesn't have any friends,a lot of problems with co workers,because in the beginning they see him as avery nice guy,but weeks later he gets tired and drop the mask....but he knows he has to keep that job,so he keeps himself in a bit of control...and he hates me because i did figured him out,thats why the D&D ....BE GLAD HE IS GONE...FIRST OF ALL HE IS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT HE WAS ....GOD BLESS YOU

Aceonelady

Nov 22 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
Leah
Leah's picture

Needed that reminder - that he isn't who I thought he was

Thanks for sharing your story with me, aceonelady. I need to remember that he isn't who I thought he was. I forget every day that the 'nice guy' and the 'strange/dark/critical/emotionally withdrawn/abusive' guy are the same person. He was more 'nice guy' than not, so I think that's why I've been confused. But the effect of the 'abusive guy' is huge and I need to remember that's who he really is. I'll try to remember it as a blessing. As dodging a bullet. I wrote more as a comment on top; it was too long to include as a reply to each of you. Thanks again, what you've shared helps. -Leah
Nov 22 - 9PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Hi Leah, welcome to Vain

Hi Leah, welcome to Vain Forum :) You WILL be able to enjoy your life, wherever you are and wherever he is -- as long as he's out of your life. I wish it happened much sooner than it does, but relationships with Narcs end differently, and much more painfully. And there is damage to be dealt with :( Getting discarded like you were is one of the worst wounds a person can receive. Even if you know NOW that he is a worthless excuse for a man, you loved and admired him and opened yourself up to him as is normal. While you were wide open and vulnerable, he threw you out like trash. No one is meant to deal with that very well :( we are just human. The healing work you have done IS fragile and it's good you know that. It's like a crab growing back a shell, or growing new skin over a burn. It's thin and super sensitive and easily damaged. So PROTECT yourself . . . make sure you won't see or hear from him in every way you can think of. Phone, Skype, places, sometimes avoiding mutual friends is necessary for a while. You will get stronger. You already have a fantastic start. You seem to have an excellent understanding of what he is, and you've taken all the right measures. Feeling freaked out right now does not mean you HAVEN'T learned, and aren't healing. It just means not enough time has passed. That's the only thing I am not happy about . . . how much damn time it takes. Please jump right in and pull up a chair. We're glad you are here :)
Nov 22 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks for the encouragement

Briseis. I'll read your words again tomorrow as a reminder, because right now I feel weak. And horrified that I still get upset by a man who treated me so horribly. I'll read your words to remind me that I'm strong...there's a saying, 'fake it till you make it.' That's what I need to do right now. I posted more above as a comment; it's so long, I didn't want to make it a repeated reply to each of you. Thanks again. I feel less alone and the reminder that this is all normal reaction on my part helps. -Leah
Nov 22 - 9PM
apple
apple's picture

Hi Leah!!

I'm sorry you had to join this site but glad you found us. Good for you for going back to school. I'm so glad you're not changing your plans on account of him. I wouldn't be suprised if he knew that you would be notified when he was on skype. IDK. I could just be paranoid.lol He probably is doing it on purpose. They ARE very clever/tricky like that especially when they want a response or reaction. Keep up the good work and stay strong for yourself. You deserve wayyyyy better than this!! xxA
Nov 22 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks

for your words, Cherryblossom. Tomorrow I'm handing in my lease termination/30-day notice. After I saw him on Skype, I almost changed my mind...to not move there. I'm trying to be strong & stick to my plans. It'll be hard when I move out there. I've written a longer (ridiculously long) reply above...so I only typed it once (and saves space!). Thanks again, Leah
Nov 22 - 9PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

my heart goes out to you for

my heart goes out to you for what this bastard has done to you. we, i have all been through some or all if what you describe. dont try to make sense of his bullshit rationalisations and feel guilty you could have done different, nothing is ok with them, they are freaks!!! remove him from your computer and start loving yourself and your normal healthy emotions, cry, sob, get angry, Ive done all of these in the past two hours. someone suggested throwing a dozen eggs at a tree! ha ha stick his photo on the tree first. you deserve better and Im here to remind you of that .Well done for your NC thats good, keep it up. (hugs)
Nov 22 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks

fooled no more. Because I have an arm injury & I typed a lONG reply (OMG), I ended up posting it above, so I only have to type it once. The words just came out...I couldn't stop writing them. Thanks again for your support. -Leah