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2 months of NC and 2 issues to go with it

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#1 Dec 13 - 1AM
BlueMist
BlueMist's picture

2 months of NC and 2 issues to go with it

This Thursday I will celebrate 8 weeks since I started NC. When I came here I was driven by anxiety, anger and hurt. I’ve read a lot about NPD and I have been here daily. Where I am now? Anxiety has diminshed. I feel that acceptance will soon take over. Yet there are 2 things I cannot process. Please talk some sense into me.

1/ The issue of friendship: I offered him my friendship, a clean-hearted friendship. I wanted him to be a part of my life, so that we can share a laugh together and give each other advice, like we did before. I thought that after 10 years since we knew each other, he will appreciate that.

Well, when I didn’t agree to his terms (I refused to talk about our past memories as a couple – we broke up 6 years ago!-, refused to accept his mini ST breaks, etc), he said ‘’I am cutting you out of my life for good’’. Since then …silence. It is like he wants to state ‘’ You are worthless, you didn’t deserve to be my wife and now you don’t even deserve to be my friend’’.

IMHO, I just set some normal boundaries, just wanted to be friends. Result? I got erased.

I like to believe that I am a caring person, trustworthy, intelligent and with a good sense of humor. He knew every centimeter of my body and my very soul…and now I am invisible to him. He’s not even hoovering. This is the part which I do not to understand.

2/ I miss the good-guy part of him. Everyday for the past years we shared jokes, teased each-other, exchanged pictures of our babies. During the past 6 years,he didn’t D&D me (he did D&D me 10 times when we were together as a couple).

I was almost thinking ‘’ Oh I got to the part where be CAN be friends after all. (we are both married). So maybe HE IS human, maybe he changed’’ . This is why I don’t get it. Why would he pull this great act from 2 months ago? Why acting all warm and almost ‘’childishly in-love again’ and then pull the ST on me??? While we were in good terms, I was not thinking SO much about him. He was just the ‘’EX with issues’’for me. But now, I am thinking about him everyday. It’s like I am stuck on a perpetuum thinking. Just asking myself about the meaning of this all. It’s like he would say ‘’I want to be friends with you and some platonic love on top, for old times sake. But since you do not want this, I do not want to beg. So I’d rather erase you and pretend you do not exist. I have everything I want anyway’’

Please tell me something before I reach to him. I do not want to break NC and lose my dignity. But the urge to break NC is creeping on me. I so much want to write him '' We all have one life to live. Let's just be friends. This NC is nonsense. We can solve our issues, we can communicate''.

BlueMist

Dec 13 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Bluemist

I learned the HARD way when i sent him a letter trying to reach out to a friendship with him after 15 years together and we lived together for one year. He sent me such hateful letters,' bar fllosie, so desperate and depraved' because I had posted an on on the internet to make some new male friends, all after we broke up,people do it all the time, like i was some slut,whore,said that hunting in the trailer park for a guy to screw. It did not go well and when i mentioned his mother and her parenting and then said what a close relative of his had said to me about the narc, it was not pretty, he brought out the bigger guns and ammo and i was the target! these men are really sick fucks, excuse my English, he is DEAD to me from now on no contact ever again....................it must be on their terms or NOT at all there are all dictators, control freaks cause they are so out of control inside themselves,barren empty creatures they are not people to be friends with, mine tried to destroy my faith and character in myself, you do not want that person as a friend i guarantee you that................
Dec 13 - 8AM
Kukla
Kukla's picture

Hmmm Friends

Hmmm when my ExN told me he could no longer "split himself in two" and was losing sleep over the fact that he was doing bad things to good people like myself and his gf at the time he wanted so desperately for us to remain friends. What a guy! He even went as far as to tell me he valued me, love talking to me and that he wanted to care for me and trust me with the so call "friendship". About 2 weeks later when I cooled things off, but hadn't gone NC for good he starts getting all cozy again and starts trying to have phone sex with me. That's when I finally came to the realization that he was mentally disordered and beyond help. I had a gazillion flags waving in front of me that I chose to ignore, but when he did this I could no longer ignore them. It really struck a nerve with me since he told me he was running back was going to try to be in the most honest relationship possible with his girlfriend and then pulls this shit. I went NC and then a week later he emailed me to tell me he was getting married. I never replied back and never heard from him since. (7 months of NC...still going) So the moral of the story is -- No you can't be just friends with you. They really don't give a flying fuck about you and will try anyway possible to suck out supply out until there is no more. That is it. You are nothing more than an object to be used for whatever purpose he has assigned for you.
Dec 13 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are experiencing CD...

You are experiencing CD... Remember Contact = Pain.. Switch your thinking back to the BS... You are doing it.. 2 months is just the begining ... Stay Strong Hunter
Dec 13 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

BlueMist

They can NO MORE BE A FRIEND.....THAN THEY CAN BE B/F..G/F...HUSBAND/WIFE.....THEY WILL ACT EXACTLY THE SAME AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE......WORSE IF YOU KEEP GOING BACK WITH THEM....... THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE...
Dec 13 - 7AM
really
really's picture

Please don't reach out to

Please don't reach out to him. He's doing this because he thinks that you will - another test of supply. The dynamics of a 'friendship' with an N are no different than a 'relationship' with them. They still push, pull, demand, disappear, use, abuse, insult, and praise - whatever works for them in the moment. They have no boundaries, so trying to observe some boundary you've set in place isn't really possible. And just being around him and trying to observe those boundaries yourself will be torture. There is no way for this to happen with success. They are not capable of it. Stay NC and try to come to terms that this just doesn't make sense, but it's how it has to be with him.
Dec 13 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You will have experiences

You will have experiences like this throughout your healing journey. They do become less frequent in time, I can promise you that. I still have triggers, they make me angry, which is something I am not accustomed to but it is what it is........but you have to stay strong and stay NC. My triggers don't make me want to reach out to them anymore, which is awesome! But I do remember a time when I had to fight it, and fight it hard. The bottom line is, you can believe all you want that there is good in them. And there very well could be, but the good in them is not the good you want or need. Heck, cupckaes are good, but what is in them are not good for you. If you ate a cupcake every day of your life, you would gain weight and have to struggle to lose it. Cigarettes, we love what they do for us, but are very unhealthy and dangerous to our health. There are many things in the world that we can view as "good" but what we have to decide, is are they "good" for us? He is not good for you, period. The nice things about him, the good things about him, are not enough to make you sacrifice all of your hard work and efforts. Stay strong and know in your heart that this will all be but a distant memory for you one day. Good luck! :)