Uncharacteristic behavior and confusion
Uncharacteristic behavior and confusion
I was directed to post here as this forum gets a bit more traffic than the "all about her" section so I figured I would do just that. I posted a pretty long breakdown of what happened with my ex-N there and how I was feeling, if you are interested in killing some time check it out.
To clear up some things from that post based on even more reading and knowledge acquisition and the "problems" I'm currently having I wanted to write this post.
The biggest issues I am having is with anger (both at myself, her, and the OM), shock at how quickly the "perfect" relationship collapsed, and the sense of loss and uncertainty overall.
I'm not having issues maintaining NC, quite frankly I am disgusted by the very thought of her and what she is(has been) doing. I'm not sitting around moping and staring at my phone hoping she will call or text, or blaming myself for what happened, etc.
Where I'm at a loss is this overwhelming sense of confusion. Against all my better judgements and against my very instincts I pursued and engaged in a long term relationship with this Narc. I knew something was off from day one yet I continued, I knew was suspicious of her behavior for months but just rationalized it and continued, I won't say that I'm not "sad and upset" because let's face it, I an, it's natural and unavoidable after any relationship ends, the problem is that it's so intense and long lasting. I have never been an outwardly emotional person- its just a result of my work. I'm not saying I'm not emotional or repress my emotions, I just tend to internally analyze the emotions and move on rather than express them outwardly to understand them.
It's not working, these feelings and inability to move forward is not me. My behaviors and actions both while I was with her and after the D&D are not me. The fact that I was soooo blind as to be manipulated and twisted drives me insane.
I can't stop thinking about her. Sometimes it's about the "good", most the times it is about the bad. I just want her gone. I'm angry bitter and irritable. I'm disgusted. I can't sleep eat or drink. It's like an obsession, albeit not one with "positive" thoughts. That's not healthy.
I can't help but to be upset thinking that the stuff "we shared" is now shared with someone else so quickly.
The lack of normal human logic behind her actions is just beyond my ability to grasp, even though I understand the logic from a Narc perspective now.
To be bothered so much by one person, to be unable to sort these thoughts and emotions out, to be so blindsided by something like this, to be so completely at a loss is just not me.
I'm "rediscovering me," I'm taking time for myself and doing things I want to do, improving myself physically and mentally but it just does not seem to be working, I feel like I'm in the same exact spot I was after the initial shock wore off...
Thoughts?
Response to thoughts....
Hi Welcome to the forum
not sure if I belong
I read your original post
You are angry - so be angry and work through it
Making sense of the senseless
It's not "like" an obsession,
Thoughts? Yes, you've been