5 years of hell

I met my ex 5 years ago. He was in the process of getting divorced, and so was I. Over the next four years we dated and broke up 6 times. He always broke it off. Over these 6 times it was "I love you"..."I don't know if I love you"..."I love you 25%"...."I still love my ex wife"..."I love you 75%"..."I've never been in love with you.", etc. Extremely hurtful, and it eroded my self esteem and basically destroyed any confidence I had in our relationship. But each time he came back (it used to take 2 weeks, most recently it took 2 months), he would up the ante. Telling me how wrong he had been, that he really did love me, and he would act great for a period of time (3-4 months). However, the same cycle would always start over and over again. He has a very volatile temper, and is totally incapable of tempering or controlling what comes out of his mouth. So he would say the absolute most hurtful thing he could say to me (he claims he would do this to shock me enough so that I would end an argument, and that I "forced" him to say these things.)

The last two iterations of our cycle have been the worst. In November of 2015, he broke up with me for the 5th time. Same story really, things would be great right as we got back together. He would make all sorts of promises and tell me how much he loved me. He would put out a lot of effort. Over the course of a few months, he would slowly start with withdraw and pay less attention to me. I would try to talk to him to figure out what was wrong, and he would eventually blow up on me, tell me that I made him miserable and he hated our relationship and would walk out. He came back a month later (December 2015), and told me how much he loved me, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life proving it to me, that he had never been so sure of anything in his life, and that he would "never change his mind again." I took him back. It lasted 4 months until April of 2016. This was the sixth time he broke up with me. The pattern of the demise was generally the same. We stayed broken up for 2 months, and he contacted me while he was on a trip with a new girl he was dating (the trip did not go well as she turned out to be a drunken nightmare apparently). He said that he realized he gave up on our relationship, that he should have stayed to work things out and didn't, and that he would never do it again. He said he wanted to get married. Though I told him that he was doing nothing but telling me the same things and making the same promises he had made the last time he wanted me back, I loved him soooo much that I gave him another chance. He immediately started moving all of his stuff into my house with my kids immediately. He put his house on the market. He told me he would do everything he could to show me how much he wanted to be my husband. But within several months, the old things started happening. If we got in a fight he would say stuff like "I don't want this relationship" "I'm done!" or telling me how he felt trapped in the relationship, or going crazy on me and accusing me of cheating on him if I didn't answer my phone. Of course, he blames all of his behaviors in this respect on me. He takes no responsibility for any of them. And to be perfectly honest, this time, when he started threatening to walk out again (after having involved my kids this time by moving in), I lost it. I got pissed and punched him in the chest several times and cursed him during one argument. In another when he was packing up and trying to leave I tried to block him from leaving and grabbed him and tore his shirt. So come April of 2017 (about three weeks ago), I make some offhanded comment and he gets pissed, packs his bags and leaves. Again. 7th time. And after he promised that he would not quit again without working on it. He says he tried everything he could to make me happy but that no one will ever be able to make me happy (he completely disregards the negative comments he made about our relationship and his constant threats to walk out during this last go round). He blames the entire demise of our relationship on me and told me I was abusive...and I accepted the blame. He tells me how happy he is without me now. And how he is never ever ever coming back.

So, while I feel terrible for getting physical with him, the bottom line is that I think that 5 years of toying with my emotions by telling me he loved me and tossing me away again and again made me lose my sanity. When he started again this time with the threats of leaving, I just lost it. How is it right that he gets excused for 5 years of constant emotional abuse, yet the fact that I hit/shoved him (he is a 6'2" ex pro athlete and huge -- I am 5'1" and could not have actually done any physical damage) is the end all, be all of our relationship? If you coax a dog over to you again and again and pet it for a few minutes and then kick it, after enough times of this cycle it will anticipate the kick and eventually bite you. Even the kindest of dogs.

So here I am, feeling 100% guilty, responsible, insane, and like some horrible abusive person who needs intensive therapy, and he has convinced himself that he is completely absolved of any wrongdoing. And I am really pissed about that. But he will not see it any way other than his way. I met with him to get keys to our common storage unit last Friday and he sat in the restaurant for 2 hours and cried about how bad I had hurt him and how hard he had tried. What about me????? Did you forget about what you did to me over and over again for the last 5 years????

I go between desperately wanting him back so we can go to counseling to fix this, and acknowledging the fact that you will never be able to fix something with someone, or have any long term relationship with someone, that will not admit their own faults or that thinks they have none. Nor can you have a relationship with someone who walks out each time things get tough. I can't stop thinking about him/the situation.

I'd appreciate any thoughts... Thank you.