About codependency again.

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 22 - 12PM

greengirl91

About codependency again.

"The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!"

This is so ME!! Yes it is, especially the waiting for the brownie part, it`s put very funny.

The reason why I made this post, is because today was relatively a fine day, until one moment. I had an incident a coupple of days ago, because I had my cable cut off. And guess what, not because I hadn`t paid it, but because "someone" had played and disconeccted a wire from above my appartment. From the entire block and people, MINE was the only one that "happened" to be disconnected.

I suspected my landlord. There are few people who really know where do I live, and would care to do that. I suspect him because he behaves a bit strange like, calls when he says he doesn`t, comes unnanounced.

And today I got ANGRY. Called the landlord and told him that if he has time for games and stuff like that, he can play them with someone else not me. And that I HOPE, it wasn`t him who played through my wires (though I`m almost certain he was). I just don`t like being taken as a fool, as long as I pay my bills and my rent on time. Of course, he behaved like nothing had happened, but this was a Warning, and I made myself understood.

Aaah. And then it came the realisation and the article that I found, connected to codependency. Codependents are not used to truly express their anger. They usually have taken so much, and are used to be mistreated and have their boundaries stepped over, that they would rather make excuses for the abusive behaviour, THAN deal with the anger inside. Because feeling it, it`s scary, when for years you were made to feel guilty for being angry, or been mistreated.

So I guess today I had what is called "healthy anger", as a reaction to a personal mistreatment (or even perceived mistreatment). But still, I had to express it.

It is an interesting article about codependents, the way they put up with A LOT, for fear of being alone, for fear of feeling their deep buried feelings inside, and that`s the reason why they use abusive relationships as a distraction.

http://www.drirene.com/coinfor.htm

I`m learning to put boundaries, say "NO" when I feel wronged. It`s all new to me :)

Thank you for reading.

#2 Feb 29 - 10AM

Femmegem

Codependancy

Hey All Just to let you all know, since reading this post I joined a coda group and am now working through the 12 steps! I will keep you updated with my progress after 2 months. That will bring me to Exactly 6 months NC and 3 years since I met the pillock. Take care peeps, stay strong x x x

#3 Feb 29 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

greengirl91

Good for you!!! Keep moving

Good for you!!! Keep moving forward! xoxoxo

#4 Feb 29 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Femmegem

Thank you lots GG!

You too x x x

#5 Feb 23 - 2PM

Femmegem

How interesting!

Thanks for posting this, it really hit home x

#6 Feb 24 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

greengirl91

You`re welcome! Codependents

You`re welcome! Codependents are often caretakers, we are "trained" since infancy, to ignore our own needs and take care of all the others. That`s why we often engage in these "rescue missions relationships" if you will, because this way we can shift the focus from our own vacuum and empty needs.. That is the reason why Narcs and Codependents blend so well, we are like this huge "treasure" and infinite amount of supply. They TAKE, TAKE, TAKE, we GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. And at some point there is nothing left to give, especially when we have no idea of how to fill our own needs. So in a way, these pairs of dysfunctional people are each others escape. We find it so hard to self love, and turn the focus on ourselfs and our needs, we don`t know who we are. And they shift the focus from their own demons and emptiness, by taking from us. It`s sick, a dance of the wounded souls. We have to overcome our fears, learn self love as hard as it is, baby steps, because otherwise, we will keep being "fixed" by Narcisists all our lives!! We will be these people`s puppets all our lives O.o

#7 Feb 29 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

Layla

Love this, greengirl!

So true......glad to see you still around and sound stronger than ever....me too! Miss co-dependent that I was, as well!! Haha! : )) love~ Layla

#8 Feb 29 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

greengirl91

I do? :) Thank you Layla!!

I do? :) Thank you Layla!! Everytime I either got D&Ded or had a disaster date meeting, I kept stumbling on this word "Codependency", and ignored it, as if this way, the problem would disappear too, lol! Well, cheers to us anyway! :P

#9 Feb 22 - 1PM

Sparrow

His your landlord associated

His your landlord associated with him? I didn't realize that. Sorry kiddo!

#10 Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

Oh, dear Sparrow, no, no he

Oh, dear Sparrow, no, no he isn`t thank God! I was saying "someone" as in context, that would be hell you know, the exN knowing where I live. Ah, I was just venting I guess..all the spins this month I guess have messed up my system a little bit O.o I have issues dealing with my anger..in fact, this is the origin of codependency, and therefore of a healthy relationship with your own self. The way you deal with your anger. It`s healthy to express it, to aknowledge, accept, I feel bad, I feel sad. In the environment that I grew in, and probably many of us, I was forced to turn that anger against myself, inside me. Because I had no other choice. Therefore, steams the self destructiveness, depression, and all that. Maybe tommorrow will be a better day. Thank you for listening me tonight!

#11 Feb 22 - 12PM

mystwoman

Excellent post! Thank you so

Excellent post! Thank you so much for posting it. Boy, this is so me to a "T". I have made so many excuses to myself for why people treat me disrespectfully, and I think I've spent a large part of my life waiting for those "brownie points" to come my way. I would wait for them even when I totally DESERVED them. When it didn't happen, I "took it" and then berated myself for not being self-protective enough to demand being treated the way I should be treated (respectfully, honestly, and with the same exact dignity as every other person on the planet). I'm ashamed to admit that I even stood passively aside when xnh brought his first STD home and infected me with it from his cheating about 4 years after I'd met him (he's actually infected me twice - this first time and then again right before he dumped me). When the doctor told me about this first STD, xnh actually had the unmitigated gall to swear to me that HE had never cheated, and that the STD must have come from one of my old boyfriends that I'd been with 10 years BEFORE I'd ever met xnh (therefore, it's all MY fault). He said he'd looked up this particular STD, and it had "a really long incubation period of up to 10 years". Right, and I have purple alligators flying out of my butt. Then he got angry at ME and he told me he certainly hoped that *I* hadn't infected HIM with MY disease. Asshole. Xnh was quite the "master" when it came to both lying and projection. Instead of ripping into xnh for the cheating that I KNEW he'd been doing, throwing his lying ass to the curb, and walking away from the relationship forever (like I needed to do protect myself), I stood passively by, blinding myself with "magical thinking" so that I could make up excuses for xnh, and I "took it". Not only was I very codependent with xnh, apparently, I had a very large capacity to be delusional with myself, and ignore the blatant facts of reality. In this case: Xnh cheated, infected me with an STD, and there was NO OTHER POSSIBLE WAY I COULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS DISEASE. *I* had NEVER cheated. Never again will I allow myself to be treated this disrespectfully, or my boundaries to be abused the way I allowed it in my past. No way. I DESERVE so much better, and I now insist on being treated that way. If it takes my getting mad, and getting other people angry with me...so be it. I WILL be treated the way I deserve. So good for you for listening to your gut and the facts!! You defended yourself and your boundaries. You did a great job protecting yourself. High fives!!! You go girl!!

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#12 Feb 22 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

greengirl91

Thank you, thank you so

Thank you, thank you so much!! >:D< I feel lighter now that I have said these things on here. I have discovered some interesting stuff on that site, with the article, that state that codependents are "trained" from little children, possibly with a Narc parent. Mine were both self absorbed. My mother is an N, my father a codependent. And sometimes they switch from time to time, so badly that you don`t know right from wrong. And they had to fill their needs from somewhere, after all the fights! Guess from where? Yep, from ME. The thing with this incident, I noticed since I have moved into this appartment, that him the landlord, has what I call control issues. I mean, normally, after you pay your rent and bills, you should have the necessary space, time and privacy for yourself, right? Well, these people were looking for me, knocking the door, come uninvited, call 10 times/a day. AFTER I had paid my bills and everything. With no reason. So I didn`t know when were they looking for me when there actually was a real issue, OR when they were simply bored. I took actions and disconected the phone, and the doorbell. And only put it when the time comes to pay the bills. Isn`t that a normal relationship? Free time, space, and boundaries? For me it is. And then this. "Someone" out of the blue happens to cut and disconnect my wire, out from the entire community and people. And yes, I decided to tell my point of view. Thank you for your answer. It seems you have gone through hell and back with that exN. Thank God you are out! Stay strong and stay out! Hugs! :)

#13 Feb 22 - 12PM

Sparrow

Boundaries are very

Boundaries are very important. Co-dependents do not establish them and yes, they need to. I, after 49 years have developed them, and apply them when needed. It has made all the difference int he world for me as I am sure for anyone who hasn't used them over the years. Be careful however, sometimes we can run rampid with them. Everything in moderation. Do it with calm, not anger. If done with anger, it can come back to haunt you. Thanks for sharing Greengirl! And keep up the good work my friend!

#14 Feb 22 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

greengirl91

Sparrow, thank you, I was

Sparrow, thank you, I was just thinking about it now you know. I didn`t shout or made a scene or anything, but I exposed my point of view, because I felt the anger growing inside me. I had to tell him straight those things, to make myself understood. I mean, you`re either one or the other. He comes smiling one day, approves and in the next plays games like that..it might not even be him, but in that day when it happened, I had a feeling and I called him. And he behaved weird, he didn`t wanted to talk to me, as if he had "done" something. I thought to myself "Oh my, how funny it would be that this guy to play games with me and disconnect my cable!". I hope I haven`t misplaced my discomfort to the wrong kind of person you know. Knowing myself, and the way I am "friends with the Devils" lol, I might lash out at the wrong type of person. But I don`t know. With so much harrasement around me and N people, my inner radar is certainely damaged. If I made a mistake, I hope they won`t take it personally. But I don`t want to be taken as a fool you know, and have "mind games" played on me again. It felt like a "trap" put intentionally, to make me have unnecessary contact with him.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews