After my suprise Valentine's gift I also got an email....

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ABC0311
ABC0311's picture
After my suprise Valentine's gift I also got an email....

And I'm unsure how to handle everything. Should I return the gift?? Or just don't even acknowledge it?? I'd LOVE to have NC, but I'm not sure if there is any point to it since it looks like it is not what he and his counselor have planned. I don't want to talk to him again but I don't think it matters what I want.

Please let me know what you think about the email below. I'd love thoughts. In it, he seems so normal, but I really don't care. I just want him to go away. (The transferring of the money was just him sending an email that he would like his 1/2 of the savings and me sending it to him).

ABC,

It was nice seeing you today. I am glad you liked the valentines gift.

Sorry you have not heard from me in the last week. But you probably won't hear from me this week or the next either. The Bar Exam is too high risk/reward for me to get distracted with our emotionally charged situation.

I wanted to say I appreciate you transferring the money for my hotel so easily last week. I thought it was going to be a hassle, you pleasantly suprised me!

After the next two weeks, I do want to discuss where we are trying to head with this marriage. My counselor has given me some tools that may help get the conversation started. Look forard to speaking with you in a few weeks.

Future XN

gingercat
gingercat's picture
Exactly what I went thru
Exactly what I went thru right down to the bar exam.......get away asap. Mine actually landed a once in a lifetime position which I now realize was mainly thru tons of guidance from me, then I watched dumbfounded as he slowly trashed all of it. I mean all of it. If you stay, as I stupidly did, it will ruin you. after grinding our lives into dust he now goes after any tiny thing I have like adding onto my health bebefjts, phone plan, etc., and is now whining for access to my meager savings. I am sad Most of the time for having lost so much of my life but at least can hope our stories may help another.
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture
Gingercat
Not staying. I'm over it. Ive done lots of struggling with leaving him and lots of trying to make it work but no more. Not an option. He looks good on paper but that is the only place. I very much relate to you saying that you guided him. I've been there through applying to law school, law school, and after. I KNOW he never would have made it through law school without me. He was constantly ready to quit and I was always his peppy cheerleader! I was still rooting for him after he went through crappy small lawfirm and non-attorney positions. I moved back to my hometown & somehow he landed a job at one of the best, biggest firms in town a couple days after I gave him the divorce papers. He doesn't have the qualifications or "big name school" like the other attorneys (somehow he just always gets what he wants).. My dad told me... "don't let his fancy new firm job sway your decision. It's not worth it... And it can be gone in a second.". So true. He called me (trying to sway me back before I was completely decisive like I am now) telling me I was a huge part of helping him where he was and now we should both reap the rewards. He hit me with "maybe staying home is an option for you.". I have a toddler so that was extremely tempting (although I'd have to be stupid). Luckily, my family is extremely supportive of me getting away from him so I've got a good support system.
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Right click and delete! BS!
Right click and delete! BS! Don't get sucked back in!
becsta777
becsta777's picture
blech!
"I wanted to say I appreciate you transferring the money for my hotel so easily last week. I thought it was going to be a hassle, you pleasantly suprised me!" What a jerk. They always have to spike their conversations with little barbs like this to make us feel difficult and childish. Thanks for the proverbial pat on the head. If I were you I'd say "good for you that you're seeing a counsellor etc, but I need at least two months away from you to 'process'" ...that will probably drive him nuts, but tough. It sounds like you do have some legal stuff to sort out, but that can be done later I'm sure. You dont HAVE to see him. Oh, and I'd totally keep the gift :)
Journey
Journey's picture
Great Observation
( "I wanted to say I appreciate you transferring the money for my hotel so easily last week. I thought it was going to be a hassle, you pleasantly surprised me!" What a jerk. They always have to spike their conversations with little barbs like this to make us feel difficult and childish. Thanks for the proverbial pat on the head. ) That reminds me so much of the same way my exN has spoken to me! Journey on...

Journey on...

mystwoman
mystwoman's picture
He's hoovering. He only
He's hoovering. He only wants you around when it suits him, and only in the way that suits him. Breaking your NC is his first step trying to bring you back into his realm. These guys are like snot. If they happen to find a crack in your armor (NC), they just ooze right into it. You need to maintain NC to seal up the crack. YOU are in control of NC, not the narc, not his counselor, not anyone else. As far as NC, YOU are the only one that matters. You do have the choice about whether or not you let the narc destroy your NC, or if you're going to stand firm and enforce it. No one can force you to have a relationship you don't want. This is YOUR choice. I'll, personally, attest that if you start letting the narc through your NC, he'll start treating you badly again soon afterward. It's like a game with them to find a way to control you. After going NC, he'll also be highly likely to have an element of revenge in the equation to "punish" you. You defied his control. How DARE you!?! lol. He may be acting nice at the moment. However, these narcs are very ANGRY people underneath. That "nice" won't last long. It's an act. He merely wants his way. He really doesn't want you back into his life. He's upset that you've gone NC, and HE can't control this. You've taken back control of yourself. He can't do anything about it. Therefore, he's fishing for a way to FORCE you back into his realm so that you'll remain under his power. It's not love. It's not caring for you. It's all about domination and control. He'll march in again, destroy any peace and self-esteem that you have. Then when he's sure that he's got you "hooked" again, he'll waltz right into D&D mode, and leave you with your heart broken (again), and your butt hanging out in the wind. My recommendation is to maintain your NC. Just ignore the gifts, the emails, anything else he does. Don't respond to him any more. Give yourself the chance to recover and move onto a happier life. You deserve better than this. You're worth it. Hugs. ______________________________________________________ God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Goldie
Goldie's picture
Lol
That's a good one, snot. Great feedback Mystwoman, ditto to everything you said. Goldie
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture
Well....
I have heard them referred to as quite a few different names, but NEVER snot. Pretty good analogy !! LOL
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture
mystwoman
"After going NC, he'll also be highly likely to have an element of revenge in the equation to "punish" you." Yes, yes, yes, I've seen this happen before. After I filed the divorce papers, I thought maybe it would work, maybe he had seen the light. Only to have it revealed during our first reattempt at marital counseling his bitter, angry feelings towards me. I was in shock but I was also extremely validated and I, in no way, have any intention of trying being in a relationship with him again. I'm just a little in shock because, honestly, I LOVE not talking to him and it just took me by suprise that I had to see him today!!!
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture
"I'm just a little in shock
"I'm just a little in shock because, honestly, I LOVE not talking to him and it just took me by surprise that I had to see him today!!!" ABC, I understand that completely. It upsets me a little every time I hear or see xnh (I still work at the same company and in the office right next door to xnh - uck). I do just great emotionally when I have nothing to do with him, and can feel myself getting stronger each day without him. I'm HAPPY now without him. I absolutely LOVE days like today when he's absent from work. I don't have to see him in the halls, and I don't have to hear him babbling to others either. Occasionally, he pulls some garbage that tweaks me emotionally for a short time. However, I'm finding as time passes that it's harder for him to ooze into my armor. I'm able to maintain NC easier and easier, if it's any consolation. It does get better with time. With NC, I am getting stronger and able to maintain my boundaries more easily with each of xnh's attempts. Xnh always seems to find some way to hoover that's totally a surprise to me, and in an area that I'm completely NOT expecting anything. He can be creative in his hoover attempts, and he reminds me of a spoiled little kid. If one thing doesn't work to get his way, he'll try another. The latest one xnh pulled was fabricating a story last week that I'm selling my house (I'm not, and never have been planning this). I live in a very small town and have had a bunch of people ask me about it. Personally, I think xnh is doing this to stir up trouble so that I'll confront him (NS). My next door neighbor was really upset about my "moving" when xnh told him because I've never said anything to him (we know each other quite well). I told the neighbor that I haven't even talked to xnh in 8 months, and xnh does not know his butt from a hole in the ground about my business. There is not going to be a For Sale sign in my front yard anytime soon. Basically, I did my best to make xnh look like a retarded deranged idiot to the neighbor (and I think I was successful). :) Xnh has not (and will not) see me react to any of this. I remain firmly NC. So, I understand completely about your being in shock and surprised about your xn showing up. These narcs seem to be really good at blind-siding us with the unexpected. Since we just want them out of our lives and gone, this is NOT a welcome technique from our perspective usually. lol. ______________________________________________________ God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

exhausted
exhausted's picture
That email is ridiculous! I
That email is ridiculous! I can't believe he had the nerve to say sorry you haven't heard from him but the next few weeks will probably be the same. It sounds like he wants you in his life only when its convenien for him. I understand studying for the bar exam is time consuming but if you love someone you make time for them. You need to stay NC. It doesn't matter if it doesn't seem to be working. I think in time he will just give up and find someone else that he doesn't have time for. NC should be about making you feel good and regaining your sanity. Stick with it.
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture
I guess I'm just not clear enough...
Yes, I filed divorce papers on him and, yes, I haven't spoken with him in about 2 weeks BUT it doesn't seem like he gets the hint. I guess like with the rest of his life, he just assumes that everything will work out perfectly in his favor. I don't know if I'm not being clear and I don't know HOW to be more clear!! Ugh, I wish he would just go away to some island or something...
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture
Psychopaths
are eternally optimistic!
Journey
Journey's picture
OMG!
Mine described himself with those exact words shortly after I first met him! lol! Journey on...

Journey on...

ABC0311
ABC0311's picture
"eternally optimistic"
Mine too! After about 2 years of being constantly depressed and miserable, he told me, "you know what, you tell me I'm unrealistic but the truth is that I'm an optimist. And optimists are like me. I've been reading about them. Lots of optimists are described also as 'living in a fantasy world.'l I just sat on the phone not knowing what to say. A miserable optimist?