Am I irreversibly Screwed up?

Try the book "Weight Loss for the Mind", by Stuart wilde. It is a tiny book and only takes an hour to read. All women fear being alone and it is partly a hormone called oxytin. I divorced a narcissist who brutally used me and harmed me and then I feared all of the things you are fearing. Being alone, no children, etc. Well that did come to pass. maybe I was afraid of being in a relationship. women lose trust in men after one of these devastating experiences. Now I see it differently. I retired well, many of my friends have problematic adult children and grandchildren, or are ignored by their families. I got used to the 'alone' thing and put my energy into a good career, excellent retirement, I developed people skills, creativity, and ended up really happy. I constructed a dream retirement, have a ton of friends, I am a fair artist, started a business at age 65 that gives opportunities to disadvantaged youth, own property, I am health physically, mentally, and emotionally. The narcissist who 'destroyed' me ended up divorced many times, poor, and stupid. Being alone is a lot better than growing old with a guy like that. You never know what life is going to give you but you have to know how you are going to react to what life gives you. take everything life throws at you and make it work for you. I think the saying is if life gives you lemons make lemonade. That is why at your worst you were 90% better than the idiot you dumped. Don't worry about your future go out and make it!

You are not irreversibly screwed up. After being with someone who tried to take you down, realize the evil is gone. The evil is gone!! You want to pull back, take stock of what has happened, learn about what went on, so it will never ever happen again. Realize the N you were with is just that, a pathological person. Stay away from him. There are good, healthy people out there, who will adore you, like you said, for the person you are. May be think of some ways you can free yourself and get out and about. You are too young to waste your life alone all the time, sounds like you want company, and you know you can be a good friend and lover to someone, and want to be truly appreciated for that, and the good person you are. Someone out there will see that, and bring that out and alive in you.

F alse E vents A ppearing R eal I have to focus on today or I will get totally out of control anxiety! Just today. Most of the time the things we fear never even happen. All that woory and anxiety for nothing.

Absolutely not!!! I believe most (if not all) on this board have wondered the very same thing. I too will not jump into bed with just anyone, I too go to work, go to the gym (sometimes:) and then home to my cat. I too have gone on sucky dates but I believe thats because I am not ready yet, just cannot trust anyone. I too wonder if I will ever find someone to grow old with BUT I believe this has to be put in Gods hands...the pain of putting my heart out there right now...I get sick just thinking about it. You are not alone my friend. There is a wonderful kind respectful man just waiting for you but first, we need to heal so we have our confidence very very high to bring to a relationship that is worthy of us. Hang in there courtney Hugs:)

Courtney, it sound like you are doing all the right things by getting out into the world. Thats good. Isolation is the worst, I walked in circles for weeks on end, its been months and his poison still haunts and lies to me. I dont believe him anymore. I believe the women in this blog. As far as dating and being alone...your feelings of low self worth and your fear are nothing more than your N's poison still in you. How long you have been away, completely away from your x Narc?...remember that you have been abused at the very deepest levels....and it takes more time to recover than we would expect of ourselves. But you need time...In the same way if you had an operation resulting 12 inches of staples down the center of your body, after the Dr. had removed your organs, played around with them and slopped them back in....You would give yourself time to heal, wouldnt you? How long woould that take? Dealing with an N feels much the same way, your self worth and well being ripped from you, played with and slopped back in in a disorganized fashion.....but no one sees the wound. We end up feeling alone, or crazy because we too dont "see" the wound. We only feel it. Courtney, as you wouldn't go jogging even months after an operation like this, you should not be trying to date for probably a year after being with an N. This was the advice given me. Courtney, I walked in circles for weeks on end and couldnt seem to get out of it. Though I know what you mean when you say you feel you will always be alone, you need to continue to read the posts here and know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. For now, hang on the truths here not the lies you have been told by him or those sympathizing with him. You are right, NOT WRONG when you say you are Smart, attractive, successful, further...you are probably warm, caring, compassionate, forgiving, were naturally happy when you met him....all of which are exactly the TARGETS for these N VAMPIRES. Exactly what they feed on and look for...They dont have that light in them so they suck you of your light. Dont let him anymore. BELIEVE WHAT YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE. You are beautiful, smart, successful, worthy....and you will make it. I am where you are. Its a long process. Stick around these women who will encourage you and support you....and do not believe the lies he told you anymore. Period. And always remember this....after a forest has been burned down by fire, furtile ground is always left. You have many beautiful things in store. Keep doing what your doing. Dont rush into dating. Be patient. You will be stronger on the other side of this. I write this all to myself as well as you! Keep living life one day at a time. There is healing and joy ahead.

Hey, I think you're feeling some very normal things. I have worried about this too. All I can say is I've learned to slow it all down, not to think too far ahead and to just take off small 'bites'. Otherwise, my anxiety goes off the charts. So if I over-worry, it sort of sets me up for defeat...it's just too overwhelming. I'm not sure how long you've been away from your ex, but it takes a lot of time working on yourself before you really should venture out into the dating scene. (Why do you think you suck at dating, by the way? Just curious)... Personally, I'm not too keen on the new age books because the insinuation is that you 'bring' this stuff on. There are members of my family who are really into new age philosophy and one, who knows about my ex, has invalidated me by saying that I need to stop thinking negative things because that's what I'm inviting into my life. Nice, huh?? I get the whole positive attitude is always good to have, but I really resent someone thinking I PURPOSELY wanted this narcissistic abuser in my life! As Barbara has said, try volunteering for something you're passionate about. It's likely you won't be alone! Maybe make some friends along the way? Also, if you re-think being 'alone' right now, it might not feel so bad. Give yourself a chance to experience the peace, gain some introspection, things will fall into place...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I , too, am going through this. I think often about it, and I can't see myself alone. I don't want to be. This fear is very common so don't be so hard on yourself . Talking about this is healthy because there are many people that are even ashamed of admitting that is completely normal. Society sometimes is so focused on goals and not relationships that as a result there are a lot of people suffering out there, afraid of admitting their human need to be in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that they should settle for less than they deserve. I know that you will meet the right man in due time. It is still early, and you will not be alone. From what I gather from your post, you are doing all the right things, and as for not jumping into bed with a man right away, the one that is right for you will not assume that of you, will not be after that because in the end if we wish to stay in a healthy couple for the rest of our life, the basis of the relationship will be the friendship, the compassion, the sharing, the love that comes from the soul .. all those things that a narc will never be capable of.. and not just the sex. It's not old- fashioned. It's taking care of yourself and respecting your boundaries which you know narcs or abusers never do. A real man is out there waiting for you to love you for who you are. You now know what to look out for, and when any feelings of uncomfotableness come up, give yourself the time. It is your right. Yes, The Secret says that positive thinking brings about positive changes, but there are a lot of people that are coming out and saying that one should not deny the reality that you are feeling even if it is negative. It is necessary to acknowledge it and process it before you can move on, before you can be certain of what you want and allow it to come into your life and believe me it will happen. Actually it is happening as we speak... Hugs

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, and nothing is wrong with you. He Left you feeling screwed up right now but it is not permanent. Remember what you were exposed to and how these people leave us feeling in the aftermath, he left you feeling this way but that is NOT the way you are. Its ok to be alone sometimes in our lives, enjoy it for a short while it makes us stronger and better people so when the right person does comes along for you one day you will feel whole again. Never again will you have to doubt yourself to such a degree as you did with this deformed person. You can feel alone too even when you are with someone remember that, that state of feeling alone in your life is only a void YOU CAN FILL, nobody else can. I have heard so many times if you are at peace and comfortable with who and what you are you are never truly alone, I struggle with that one too for we all need companionship to some degree. Give yourself time to heal from your lunatic and slowly your life will begin to return to normal and I mean slowly, you cant hurry it or force it, wish we could but it cant be rushed, it takes a piece out of our lives for awhile but after being with a N you have to know ONLY BETTER THINGS ARE AHEAD.