And still it is never his fault - 2 years later

Today I am really wobbly.

I was contacted by the police just before Christmas, asking me if I had any information relating to my ex and his porn addiction and hard drives. There is a question mark over his addictive behaviour and the content which he downloaded and burnt to disc. I had known nothing about this until another ex told me what she had discovered when he hadn't been at home. They asked me if I wanted to make a complaint (not already raised) regarding him with either myself or another as 'victim'.

The last two years have been harsh.

I walked out 2 years ago because I could not cope with the emotional abuse and mind games. He had gradually reduced me to a wreck with no money left. I called the police and got out. I found a place to live and started a course and tried to rebuild my life until I discovered that he had made another woman pregnant and was moving to the same town as I had moved to in order to get away from him. I had a breakdown and had to quit the course and then decided to move again to escape him. If I had bumped into him I would have fallen apart.

I stupidly tried to warn his new girlfriend but he had already brainwashed her so it was too late, plus she was pregnant.

I moved home and started a new job. I have made so many new friends and tried new things. I have made progress but every so often my poor old brain hurts and I end up in a depression. He plastered the internet with photographs of his baby and how happy he was. I felt sick. I cope for a while then I slide into a hideous anxiety attack which can last for up to 48 hours until my brain chemicals release me and I can get a grip on things. Whilst I am in the anxiety attack I have obsessive thoughts about my ex and I cannot escape them. I try to take my brain away from what it's doing but I can't stop the thoughts until at least one night has passed. My blood pressure goes up, I cry, I am exhausted the next day.

He blackened my name and he implies that I am psychotic, violent and manipulative. I have been none of these things. I was a woman who put up with too much for 3 years until I couldn't take any more.

Even though I have made progress this year just passed, I have to literally pull myself together every day for work and for social functions. This sounds ridiculous but so many times I have been putting my make up on with tears welling up and I am willing myself to not let this abuse get to me. I will overcome it. It's just so hard! Other times I have driven to a social get together only to end up in tears on the way there and then my face looks a mess and I turn round and go back home.

I used to be so confident and happy before I met him. I could do anything.

Over the last three months my ex has been investigated. His job has dismissed him. His girlfriend has thrown him out. He now has more than one child whom he is paying maintenance for whom he won't see that much of. And yet still, nothing appears to be his fault. He is still in the 'me, me, me' mode. He never ceases to amaze many people with his pathological selfishness.

I thought the police contacting me wouldn't affect me but it has. It's only now, over a week later that I am in shock.

When will this abuse finish and when will I be able to forget all of this? Sometimes I am still so angry I want to get a big punch bag, tape a photograph of his face to it and just smash it to pieces.

He is just a jack in the box that never stops popping up!

Just go away and leave me alone!