Anexity Overload

I have been asked by my attorneys to make a list of all the reasons the kids arent safe with him. This list is horrible. I feel horrible for what I have put my kids thru. And now I am fighting to protect them, but what if it isnt enough? I know B will go after my sanity and try to "Prove" I am crazy, but I have never lied or withheld any information. YES I AM DEPRESSED, YES I HAVE BEEN MY HOLE LIFE but NO that doesnt mean I am a bad mom, cuz I know I love my kids and will do anything to protect them, but what if I am not enough, what if I fail, what if the court gives them back to him without supervison, how do I do that? How do I go to court and get torn apart by his attorney, I dont know that I can handle that. Its like I dont even get a chance to "pretend" this isnt my life and ignore what has happened. It is so shoved in my face and keeps being shoved further and further, and he is just building up to attack, he will be at the top of his game in a court room, in front of "Other Law Enforcement" How do I face him, I cant even face my mind, my memories of him, where am I suppose to get the strength to walk into the court in 7 days and tell my story? The same story I have been "warned" never to speak of? in front of the same man that i am terrified of? and then on top of that how in the hell do I hold up to his attorney. I dont know that I am strong enough for this. I know I have to fight for my kids and do it anyway, but what if I screw this up too and hurt my kids even more. Why cant I just go NC and forget my life and just be someone different, someone who can just shut the door on the past ten years and move forward. I dont want to sit in this, I dont want to face this, it hurts to dam much and I am tired of hurting.

Sorry I know big wow is me pity party. Just scared right now and feeling very alone.