Anybody find themselves a little different - tougher and meaner maybe?

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#1 Apr 9 - 1PM

JRB123

Anybody find themselves a little different - tougher and meaner maybe?

After the narc experience does anyone find themselves a little different? Perhaps not as soft/ kind as they once were? I think I might be a little harder, tougher and generally as not filled with love as I was. I come from a healthcare background but this time last year I was working for a major charity for very little money - even my husband called me a sucker as a joke! But I didn't mind the pay as I worked for something I believed in. I also generally smiled at people, was open and friendly and considered myself compassionate. Generally a positive, chilled, easy going person who cared about people. I have since given up the job as I was paying to go to work in the school holidays (due to childcare costs!) - I also felt like they took advantage abit plus I had to deal with quite alot of stress including someone stealing and wasn't really supported. I now volunteer when I want to which suits much better. However a year later after the N experience ( my 2nd N experience in life) I find myself not liking people as much. I have no tolerance for whingers, negative people and find they now give me a real headache. I am also generally right off men, I won't hold open doors for them, I give them bitchy looks of disgust and even the other day had a semi road rage incident with one. He was driving the wrong way and whereas before I would've ceded and let him go even though he was wrong - this time I drove ahead and almost blocked him, shouted and swore at him! I have taken up boxercise and love it so much and am even thinking about taking up some martial art or boxing itself as I want to toughen myself up - be able to fight if I need to. I am kind of missing the old kind gentle me. However I think I have been walked upon too much yet at the same time I also want to really toughen up and become abit mean! Not to hurt anyone - but to stand my ground and not take any BS. I feel before like I was a dumping ground for peoples problems or people using me and I have had to be the strong one to deal with issues (at work). I saw the best in people but now I am seeing the worse and more suspicious. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. Or is this going through the anger phase?

#2 Apr 12 - 8AM

Goldie

Yes, absolutely

This experience has been life changing for me. I will never be the same little girl allowing myself to be used, abused, and cleaned out financially. I take care of my finances differently now. I have a safe deposit box now at my bank and the only one who knows anything about it is my son. No man is ever going to have control over my personal finances again. There is money in there today, that no one knows about. This is not going to happen again. I think that all woman should have money that no one knows about especially when they are dealing with PD's who cannot be trusted. This is empowerment. This is control over MY LIFE, my needs, my FUTURE. I am learning to put myself first so that no one ever has this much emotional control over me ever again. This is a process because I have always put others first. I am learning to do this. I take care of my stuff and my side of the street first. This includes my 25 year old son, who I also put first above my basic needs. I was left in complete ruin and have learned my lessons from this well. I will never ever stop talking with my friends and become isolated again. Never, I have dated again and even seen the PD again and the first words out of his mouth were: "My Goldie does not love me the way she used to love me." You're are damn straight on that one buddy. Time's they are a changing. The days of the weak, sad, pathetic little Goldie are OVER. I have learned how to say NO. NO you may not take my car, my credit card, my cell phone, my life. GET YOUR OWN. WORK for it. Like I did, you lazy, selfish, self serving, manipulative ASS HOLE!!! Goldie

#3 Apr 12 - 5AM

JRB123

An Example!

An example of the old me - person behind me in supermarket queue has one item and I have a basket full of goods. Old me would say ' would you like to go ahead of me?' Today, the new me - I have basket full of goods. Man in queue behind me has one item, in fact he makes it clear to me he has one item by waving it practically under my nose. I ignored him, and carried right on with what I was doing. Mainly this was because he was male and I quite enjoyed not letting him go ahead and I took my time too! He can damn well wait! So it's only little things like that where I have changed. I just feel less kind and abit meaner but not to hurt anyone. Nearly 6 months NC and seeing things much more realistically these days!

#4 Apr 12 - 5AM (Reply to #29)

dudette

JRB

Good for you!!!

#5 Apr 12 - 5AM

dudette

made me a fighter

in the words of the great Ms Aguilera Made my skin a little bit thicker Made me work a little harder Mde me run a little faster Made me that much stronger Made me that much wiser Thanks for making a fighter.....

#6 Apr 12 - 4AM

skystar

Tougher

Yep! I am tougher in a way. Less patient. "My give a damn is broken." I always hd the ability to be tough, I'm just not as nice as I used to be. Not as easy going.

#7 Apr 10 - 8AM

JRB123

Madea

I can relate to all of these posts so well! I am definately harder but think this is probably a good thing. In fact one of the only good things to come from an experience with a N is that I hope to God we are all now stronger and tougher to never repeat the experience again. I think we need to be tough on Ns but kind to ourselves. Actually on this forum I came accross the video clip of Madea. I had never really heard of her before (as I am in the UK). I then googled her and watched quite a few clips of her on youtube and saw some of the movie Madea in prison. Now there's a great role model! She's tough and doesn't take any BS at all, says it how it is yet looks out for those she cares about! I want to be like her! A tough cookie but with her heart in the right place!

#8 Apr 10 - 8AM

Epiphany

Ding ding

Insert my picture beside tougher/meaner, jaded. Ironically it is the thing that keeps me up at night the most. The crazy person I've felt like because of the raw anger I've seen ooze from me with XN. I hated this about me. I don't trust the same, I don't look at a man and not wonder about his agenda, I question everything. It's like our invisible safety coating. Let's face it, depending on how long you were with and the trauma/abuse you suffered, most would agree that the wall of protection went up brick by little brick. For me, we were merely standing at that wall with his eye peering at me through the one hole left. Self preservation. It did get to a point where it was me or him and I'm just not willing to take that wall down easily after how long and why I had to build it in the first place. Visual = The big bad wolf standing on the other side saying "little girl, little girl let me come in". HELL NO. I think the beauty of our kind hearts, giving nature and the ease of who we were will return, with a little char. Guess that's called wisdom.

#9 Apr 10 - 8AM

helldweller

Yes JRB

I am now a bitch.

#10 Apr 10 - 1AM

neverlookback

I am not meaner, but

yes tougher for sure. There is a man where I work that is a male whore, extremely good looking he is around 30 and its sinful to be that good looking, but I cant even look at him let alone talk to him. He screws three different women on his days off, goes to clubs, etc..... He is probably just having fun, and sewing his oats, women FLOCK to him - I on the other hand want to spit on him, I guess its from my experience, but from what I hear he does not set out to con any woman or hurt them, he makes it clear, no strings, we are just having fun. I am such a bitch to him I ignore him like he doesnt exist because he probably thinks he is gods gift to women and I send him the message he is no gift for me. I shouldnt be that way but I have grown tougher with men in general, I look at them as the primal creatures that they are, I am sure this will pass, I keep an iron wall around me I am just protecting myself.

#11 Apr 9 - 10PM

Arwen

Yes I feel tougher. Wiser.

Yes I feel tougher. Wiser. Shrewd. Got out of two or three narc friendships already since my breakup with the ex N. Great post.

#12 Apr 9 - 7PM

Monica

Me....a little, yes. The ex-wife...yes who can fault her?

Yes, I am meaner and tougher but only insofar as I now think/hope/pray I will protect myself from such vampires in the future. And I have no niceness or consideration left for the narc....not one single drop. God help him if I ever run into him ever again and he tries to even speak to me. He will not recognize me. With other people, I am actually nicer and more patient and supportive and encouraging. I know first hand now what it was like to be treated like shit and I will now always treat others with extra special care and attention so they feel good about themselves always. The narc's ex-wife had the reputation of being a "bitch." However, those that know her well conclude it was the narc that made her like that and I definitely can see where that is probably true. She put up with his crap (and I know about the crap he put her through and cannot believe she stayed with him that long but...he's a narc!) for decades and that had to have had a huge affect on who she may have been before she met him and early in the marriage. Narc's can change a kind, good, caring soul into someone meaner and tougher, no doubt. I think the balance is using that meanness and toughness as a means of protection and avoiding another toxic relationship of any kind but still showing care and compassion and patience to those who truly deserve it are worthy of it.

#13 Apr 10 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

miloka

I agree about the ex wife. My

I agree about the ex wife. My Narc had me convinced she was evil. She was a mail order bride from Russia. LOL...he thought she was gonna come here and bow to him and become his slave. She got an education planned her escape and left. He wants to kill her. I now know he tortured her and as they have a child together, which he can no longer see. If I knew then what I know now, I would have known every word about her was a lie. She is happily married and has a wonderful husband. Jail will be too good for him...and now for some humor...If you locked a narc in a room alone for 3 days..after an hour he would have his socks on his hands as puppets so he had someone to lie to. Guess he could not find a woman in the US to fall for him long enuf to marry him. He told me before me he had never had a relationship for more than 2 months...they all left him. Doesn't say much for me. I stayed 4 years. And the new one is so down and out, druggie, drunk, she just may stay forever. And yes I would feel sorry for her but she went along with him trying to demean me in front of friends. So she can go to jail with him.

#14 Apr 9 - 7PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

Boundaries

After the ex-Psych prof, I became a hermit. I shut up in myself. "I have no niceness or consideration for the Narc"-I realize that whenever I've broken NC, I've said things, that if I were on the receiving end, I'd have a narcissistic injury, or be emotionally devastated. I've heard that Ns/Ps get meaner every time you go back... and every time I've broken NC with him... it's to bring his ego to its knees (he doesn't contact me, all I know is that if I got what he received, I'd be mortified) "With other people I am actually nicer&more supportive"- I am *FINE* with the ex-P's colleagues. I've heard back from some of my former professors... and I get along with them. Even the Dean of the College. It's like I make a point of being extra-nice to them, and extra-sadistic with him. The ex-P was so used to me being kind, forgiving, listening to his complaints, etc... he must feel the rug being pulled out from under him. I don't talk to him. He hasn't seen me in person for 11 years. I would probably tell him that the way I've toyed with his feelings is my form of self-defense... because he deserves it.

#15 Apr 9 - 5PM

sara-smile

JRB123

I could have written this post word for word! I was a doormat and a nice person before the Narc. Now I'm a road raging, ass chewing, people hating witch most days!! I'm still as good as gold to those close to me but if someone crosses me it's not pretty. I think it's a good thing most of the time but there are times I don't like who I've turned into. I think it's all about self preservation now. I will never be treated like a piece of garbage by anyone again. I guess that is something I could thank that idiot for!

#16 Apr 10 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

miloka

I am a cold hearted

I am a cold hearted bitch...for now... I avoid everyone. I need to grieve alone and stay away from people. I am bitter. for now.

#17 Apr 9 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

TLSM

SARA! ME TOO

Everything you wrote, exact same! People seemed to love taking advantage of me. I definitely sought peoples approval, constantly. It was exhausting! Those same people now have seen my wrath if they pop off and respect me now. The ex narc brutally broke my heart. I would have done anything for him, which is clearly not a healthy way to be. I was dangerously under his spell. It makes me sad what he has done to me. We are all good people and did not deserve what we went through. Clearly we are ALL suffering from trauma. This is the worst emotional pain I've ever gone through. I am shattered. Considering the hell the abuse and humiliation I've been through, I am no longer afraid or intimidated of anyone anymore and will clearly voice my disapproval if anyone is out of line with me or anyone I care about. Good did come from this. I am a lot more assertive. Don't fuck with me. ;-) But I will never be a bully like ex N. Bullies are pussy's. Period. PS-Sara I forgot to thank you for your wonderful and caring response to my bad birthday day. We have definitely gone through the same crap. I hope you are right about him treating his new gf the same way. Anyways. Thank you! xoxoxoxo!

#18 Apr 9 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

sara-smile

TLSM

I worry sometimes that I'm coming across as a bully!! LOL!! If it protects me then so be it. Narc Boy took me into a world I never thought I'd be in. I never thought I'd be abused. I don't know how it happened and I will do whatever it takes to protect myself from it happening again. The good news is it really has helped me. I have always been such a push-over at work and I have finally gotten a backbone and they don't walk over me like they used to! Sometimes I wonder what they think about me now or if they wonder what in the hell happened to her! LMAO! That "don't fuck with me" attitude is a GOOD thing! I'm glad you have it too. It will protect you! Hugs to you!

#19 Apr 9 - 4PM

gettinbetter

I think I may have gotten a

I think I may have gotten a little "shorter" with people but im sure its stress related. The weird thing with me is sometimes I feel like I have a split personality sometimes Im incredibly hurt by people and other times I can come out swinging but I would say Im hurt most of the time. I tend to take a more submissive stance in most instances.

#20 Apr 9 - 3PM

StudentOfLife

The good is I've noticed I've

The good is I've noticed I've become more assertive, a trait within myself I've had to develop further in order to retain my spirit. Altho sometimes it's still uncomfortable for me, it seems to be coming a bit more naturally these days. And I'm feeling my N isn't at all comfortable with this (for some reason or another, hah!), and thinking if I can continue to show strength then he will start to realize the gig is up and move on to new supply? Not sure. On the other hand I remember last November when i was starting to stand up for myself, he decided to really put me in my place. I think i was starting to be too hard for him to control, and wouldn't you know it -- he bit me in the neck so hard and so long --- it STILL causes me great pain (a doctor friend of mine says he damaged the facial nerve and i may always have this pain and related problems) -- another way in which i may forever be changed by this particular life lesson. Also, yes I feel like I am jaded toward men, don't find myself liking them much anymore in general. It will be a long and winding road to recovery.... and trusting again.

#21 Apr 9 - 2PM

kgirl

I think I just don't feel as

I think I just don't feel as open and trusting anymore. I never want to be so tromped on and used ever again. I hope with time I'll be able to be the generous and trusting person I have always been. I also find when my emotions are getting the best of me, my tolerance for BS is next to nothing! Has made for some grouchy times in my house :) ~KG

#22 Apr 9 - 2PM

jen79

tougher but not meaner

It takes a while to find some balance again, between having an open heart, and keeping boundaries. I dont make compromises anymore. But I stay open, I try. I realized, when you feel you are numb, its because you disconnected from the part in pain, but its inevitably that we go back, claim that part back and take care for the part in pain. Cause there is where all the power is, love, compassion, passion and all this stuff,

#23 Apr 9 - 2PM

ifinallygotit

different but not meaner

I feel like a different person but more humble, not meaner. This took the wind out of me. I was a very confident person and like him, a big ego and not patient always. I think I am kinder from the trauma and see that I am not "special" - screwed over just like everyone else...

#24 Apr 9 - 1PM

Steph

Completely agree with your

Completely agree with your post here. The experience of being abused does change a person. I think it happens in stages. You feel some residual anger still towards men and are on high alert, feeling suspicious etc. I don't think it's a bad thing at all. Your making a personal transformation from being a "doormat" to being a strong woman that stands up for herself and looks after herself first and foremost. You'll find that balance......of some of the old you ( the caring and compassionate woman) with some of the new you ( the " I won't tolerate being shit on" woman). I think it sounds like you are right on track and doing great!

#25 Apr 9 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

JRB123

Thanks!

Thanks for that. I was abit worried about the new meaner me! Although shocked with myself about the road rage incident the other day, I also found I quite enjoyed giving this guy a piece of my mind! I would never have done this before! I guess it's good to feel stronger again! Cheers!

#26 Apr 9 - 1PM

Finally Faced It

my spirit.

I'm just completely numb. Most days I'm not happy or sad, just there. He broke my spirit. That's the only way to describe it.

#27 Apr 9 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

kgirl

Oh boy....I can sure

Oh boy....I can sure understand that and have been there recently, but your spirit will start to wake up. hugs for you ~KG

#28 Apr 9 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

me too

spirit is dim but i don't think gone...took a beating and needs some TLC. I do feel sorry for the next man though as I will tolerate nothing that feels bad this time.

#29 Apr 9 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

JRB123

Hope it comes back

I sincerely hope you find your spirit again. Be strong of being there until one day you might find your old self returning. I am feeling more alive these days but as I mentioned I also feel more mean but maybe it's not such a bad thing. Wishing you a good recovery. Hope things get better.

#30 Apr 9 - 1PM

desprathousewife

Hello JRB

Pleased to meet you. I identify with you COMPLETELY in this post. You have described the me before and after to a tee. I DID miss the old me for a while, but now I like the new wiser me a whole lot better. I still have bags of empathy and compassion for people who deserve it, but won't tolerate people who overstep the mark or treat me disrespectfully in any way. I think your suspicions and seeing the worse will only serve you well in the future. My complete nievity and gullibility has been my downfall and lead me into a relationship with a psychopath, hopefully I will now avoid any relationship with any form of seriously disordered person in the future, that surely has to be a good thing :)

#31 Apr 9 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Emily90

As far as a new relationship

As far as a new relationship go's I have walls up i know that.. Im sooo scared of picking up another narc. I dont think im completely jaded of men tho, just extremely cautious, there has to be some good ones out there. I am trying to embrace myself more, do the work on me that needs to be done and hopefully that will attract the right partner. I get lonely because i was married for 15 years and with the Narc for 7 so I guess i got very co- dependent over the years. I get lonely at times, but i keep saying to myself, i would rather be an old lady on my own with my dog then to put up with an abusive relationship again. I have noticed that i take alot more notice of what men say...like i feel like i can almost see red flags on top of their heads but i think SOME of that not ALL may be because im so emotionally frazzled at present.

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