Are any of you bothered by how it ended/what the narc thinks of you?

After 8 months, court B.S.,on and on...and I am still bothered how it ended. I really do not want to retype the whole sordid tale, but my experience was truly a hit and run accident. Read my story. I really shouldn't care about what he thinks, or his family thinks, BUT I DO! So there you have it. Therapy, journaling, all sorts of good stuff and still bothered by how it ended. Read my story and you'll know why : )

The way it ended for me is I felt concerned for my personal safety, moved while he was at work and was done. Done with him, done with all of it. Done. There was a time I would have felt so guilty for leaving the way I did. But (as my story states) he was my LAST narc. Done. More than likely I packaged all my doneness with narcs in this last "n" and moved away from "them" and my own patterns thru him... that I BEcame... done. 'Well done' and doing well. Been thru a bit of shit and crap and bull for the last few weeks. Breathing again now tho. whew.... healing ain't so easy ya know... PS: Always remained NC and always patted myself on my own back that I remained so during all of it. NC with each and every lil N out there. And then some. Happy Holloween to all and to all a g'nite... Oh wait... that's christmas... lol ~ counting the days of NC thru them thar holidays... (that'll be a hard one, christmas. The NC with his fam during that time). This is really hard sometimes... to feel so good and so painful at the very same time. It's hard for me to feel so paranoid (over 3 months of driving around extra blocks after work to make sure he isn't following me) along with feeling so free now. It's hard for me to have great things happening in my life now (restored relationships and 2 contracts to illustrate childrens books and exhibit in an art show in January) and face mySelf. Makes me weep because it's hard. And makes me mad that sometimes all I want to do is hide in a cave and ignore this whole world. But I just can't

You were insecure with him for a reason. Him calling you "insecure" was Narc obfuscation, gaslighting, deliberately trying to make you feel crazy. He wanted you to stick around while he fooled around with other women. It makes sense from a Narc's point of view, when you think about it. If he could get you to think you are just "insecure" he could continue to flirt and keep you too. Apparently this really got to you :( . This may sound strange, but I get the impression you haven't really gotten the point that he is a Narc. Once you "get" it, you'd take what he says about you as seriously as you'd take an insult from the schizophrenic on the street corner. Narcs are the LAST people on Planet Earth to give you personal feedback that you might want to consider. Yes, even the flattering stuff. They flatter you to get you under control, so it's all bullshit, not real. You were insecure. For obvious reasons. Who wouldn't be?? OF COURSE you were insecure. It's no insult on your character to be INSECURE when your boyfriend or husband is blatantly fooling around on you. Sheesh!! :) Do you see?

is that no matter how it ended this LAST time or all the times before he always had some excuse for his behavior and it was never his fault. He never owned up to the why of the matter. Was some lame ass excuse never even really blamed me but never took the blame on himself...the cheating and lies I caught him in. This last time when I confronted him about the cheating he said I'm not happy that's making you unhappy which makes us both unhappy. No fucking shit! Your cheating didn't make me happy! I will admit I do wonder what he has said about me to his friends(they all know the truth of why we're not together) and if he ever thinks about what I'm doing or if I'm with someone. He will never find that out from "our" mutual friends. They won't tell him. I wish there was something to tell. I don't care what he says or thinks. i really don't. Just hope for a little satisfaction that he knows atleast in front of our friends he fucked up.

"know how you feel. I thought I was going to tear my teeth out trying to get him to end things civilly--or even uncivilly but with an actual conversation and not via text messages." I agree..i couldnt get him to calm down..make peace..because he cheated and if he calmed down,make peace..in his coward head it would be him admitting what he did was wrong...so instead he is running...So in the last email I said"keep running coward">>>:)

Well I have to admit, that I tried several times to end it in a bad way, I tried to end it in a good way, I tried to end it with lies that i am pregnant, that i am engaged.... It doesnt matter what we do and how we want to end it, not once he gave me real closure in a mature way. The only time something nice came, when i said I am going to be married soon. He answered, you gave me lots of love and I thank you for that. Love xxx Thats it. And he texted me 2 months later again anyway. The other times he went into silent treatment, or he raged out at me in a terrible way, calling me mental and crazy. What do they think about us, they think about us: is she a good supply or not. If we are not anymore, they drop us like a hot potato, moving on without a second thought. Thats what they do. I think when they feel, they have invested more, like years of marriage or relationships, then they think of us more hatefull, cause then they have lost a greater supply so to speak, and then they have to find a way to justify in their mind, why we are not worth to dwell on anymore. But, no matter what, supply. I heard many times, how they idealize the one who got away. I experienced that too with my exHN. But this idealisation doesnt change one bit in their sense of entitlement. They still think, you should give them supply, sexual, or emotional. The one who idealized me like crazy, I know this from his current gf, so its not just blahblahblah from him, he is the one who left me with dept of more than 10000 euro, and he had the guts to tell me how he made vacation for 3 months around europe with his new gf, knowing I still have to pay the shit from him. So thats how much it is worth their idealization from the one who got away, its just a poor poor me cry, nothing more, its still all about them. Ughh

I have to agree with a friend on this. She said it would've ended in a healthy way if it had been healthy from the get-go. The Jezebel blog says that when it comes to romantic rejections-(a) don't say anything soul-destroying and (b)take the other person's feelings into consideration. Of course, Ns/Ps disregard these two simple rules. The ex-Psych professor wanted to make the ending as horrific, humiliating, and as callous as possible. There are times I wonder- if I meant NOTHING to him, why did he want to make it as painful for me as possible??? He claimed that I was "hitting on him"-that I was making "sexual advances" (I wasn't) Instead of addressing my feelings in an adult way, he moved his seminar from one classroom to another. He'd constantly lecture me about "appropriate behavior." If a NORMAL guy isn't interested and has a girlfriend, well, he says so. He leaves it at that. I declared my love--and all Hell broke loose. I got ENDLESS lectures. He'd command me to sit on the steps, and he'd drone on and on and on. Once, I had to pick up some cash from the student bank, and the secretary was looking for me... and he barked at me that he wasn't finished. He'd say "I'm offended/I'm embarrassed/I'm disappointed." As usual, he'd accuse me of not taking him seriously. I'd be crying- in front of my classmates and his colleagues--and APOLOGIZING. He wouldn't comfort me;he wouldn't take me to a less public place. Even when I wasn't with him, I'd be in tears. I'd cry myself to sleep. I'd beg for mercy, tell him that his words HURT, and he'd be "I'm sorry YOU feel that way." What made matters worse is that a friend of mine died from cancer. He was a pastor. A normal guy would've backed off and made the rejection less painful... but nope, within a short time, the ex-P was flaunting his girlfriend/fiancee. It's kind of mind-boggling that a teacher would go to such lengths to emotionally abuse his student. I wasn't even sleeping with him! In 4 years, I never saw his apartment! When I tried to get closure on MY TERMS (and I basically told him "this is for ME, NOT FOR YOU"),I congratulated him on being engaged. Of course, he threw a fit over personal violations and imposition. By then, I didn't apologize and didn't give a cr@p about what he thought of me. If he claimed he was depressed&suicidal on account of me, I probably would've handed him a bottle&some pills. Frankly, I don't give a cr@p about what the ex-P thinks of me. Go figure, his favorite literary character, Prince Andrei, receives apologies from Natasha (as he's dying)--despite the fact he emotionally abused her and caused her to "lose the love of life." He idolized Leo Tolstoy, who emotionally abused his wife, and when he died, his widow went to his grave daily apologizing. How sick and twisted is that????

what they think of us? Or what they say of us? WHen they are not peopl to be trusted? But it does bother...weird. I thought we broke up on good terms actually.. The Last day we were together we both cried actually.. He had a big fight with his mother about us (so he said) AND he could not live like that.. She grabbed her chest, adn said she needed to go to the hospital, she was going to die, if he continued to date me, b/c I have 2 kids.. I did have people come up to me later on, to tell me that his mother was crazy, and that she was saying those things. I thought the break up was just one of those things. BUT later on found out who he really is... chin up...

movingforward, I know how you feel. I thought I was going to tear my teeth out trying to get him to end things civilly--or even uncivilly but with an actual conversation and not via text messages. I kept trying to make these very precise statements detailing how wrong things were, and he simply would not acknowledge anything, would not even say, "You're right, we don't get along and should move on." One of the last nights, he was supposed to take me to a book signing and then go to drinks afterwards. I was calling him and he wouldn't answer the phone. So I took my daughter instead. When we went to get the car from the garage, we smelled campfire. As we drove down the alley, we saw that the smell was coming from the narc's brother/babystitter's backyard. The narc had finally put together a firepit I'd given him as a housewarming gift in March (couldn't put it together for us), and he and the babysitter were sitting behind the locked gates in the backyard, chatting intimately by the fire. The table was set for dinner for the four of them: the narc and his foster child, the babysitter and the brother. I called and called and called and called. He would not answer. My blood pressure must have been 200 over whatever. Remember that this woman refsues to speak to my children or me, lied about me repeatedly to the narc, and blew off every invitation I've given her the past two years without even a response, and here they were, sitting in the backyard over a fire in the the firepit I had given him, behind the gates I could never have a key to, eating the dinner she made when he refused to let me cook for him. AND we had plans and he wasn't answering the phone! "How hard is it to understand that this is outrageous and that it's over?!" I cried. "How hard is it to understand that this is intolerlable f*cking behavior?!!" I spelled this all out point blank, and he said, as usual, "Why can't you just love me?" People wonder why it's so hard to go, and I always say, "Because it's impossible to actually believe that they do the things they do" And because they think or pretend there is nothing wrong with what they do, so we undermine ourselves, second guess ourselves, question all of our morals and values, right and wrong, everything. I went away thinking, "Is there really not a problem here? Is it okay that he's sitting in the yard with her, talking intimately around the fire when he never could with me? Is it true that I never finalized our plans for tonight? Am I crazy?" On top of it were these final episodes that I've been writing about, where he seemed to be pretending that, sigh, he finally has to let me go because he can't make it work, can't fix what's wrong with ME, can't make me happy. He said that to me a few times, "I just can't make you happy." I can't imagine he actually thinks I'm to blame or am actually crazy or whatever, but it pisses me off that it's possible and that he tells other people that. I want to make sure he knows he's a loser, and I want him to cry and beg me back and apologize and admit all his wrongs--or at least ANY wrongs, but it ain't never, ever, ever, ever going to happen, ain't never going to end right. It's totally unfair, but that's the way it is.

I have been thinking about this and I do not like the way it ended but that's the only way to move forward. It was a nasty embarrassing ending, and he screamed to everyone lies and delusions in public. It was gross and disturbing to witness. All of you posters (sisters) here came to my mind as it was happening yesterday. As for what he thinks of me and what he says about me will always contradict one another. He KNOWS who I am deep dowm but the missing link in his head (which makes him pscho) doesn't allow him to ever admit, or feel the truth. He can ACTUALLY convince himself it was my fault and really believe it! However, it is a moment to moment thing. For example: He will say "I screwed up the most important thing, my family because I was not myself." He will look sad and then 10 minutes later, "I've been thinking and this is NOT my fault, it was 100% HER fault." Sadly, FNL, he is second to second on his feelings. Basically, he doesn't have any. It's what they have at the moment. Nothing is as it seems. I have a song for this issue for when we move to the new site. Don't let it bother you so much, it was NOT YOUR FAULT. The man he WAS in the beginning, was a mirror of what he knew you wanted or needed. I thinkit bothers you because it is hard to be a normal empathetic person and grasp his sick concepts and warped thinking. It sucks. Hang in there.

It does eat me alive that despite his low life status, somehow this illness allows him to elevate himself. I am the paranoid, psychotic whatever...he's the victim. Not a fair setup - he has no clue and I look at all I sacrificed, thinking this was really gonna be it. In the end, I realize in my congnitive mind I cast my pearls amongst swine. Worse still, I'm coming away from this thinking they're all swine. In the end however, the truth is I am who I am, and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. That is the truth of all of this. It doesn't matter what he thinks - it really doesn't. Look at who he is. It hurts, but even focusing on hoping for his downfall is still taking away from me. I want to get out of that loop. I have to make it to where he ceases to exist completely. One day at a time.