Back for a second beating

I had gone almost 2 months NC but crumbled in a moment of weakness. Now here I am crying and miserable, just as fucked in head as the first round. I was alone and needed to feel like this "love" was real. That it still existed. There is always the possibility that he could change if we started "fresh". Maybe this time apart had really made him think and regret the horrible things he would do and say to me. WRONG! In the last month I have been either rejected, ignored, pushed around both physically and emotionally and finally discarded. The OW is much prettier than I am, but the thing that makes me most sad inside is I'm sure she is so much like who I used to be. Strong, fun, caring, passionate, innocent, sane, whole...how i used to feel before i crossed his path. This second time around has made me even more critical of myself than the first. I can't shake this feeling of hate I have for myself. I know he is out having fun while I am too sad to barely fake it through. How do you regain the pieces you've lost in order to move on? I am a shell of the person I used to be.