Boundaries

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#1 Nov 16 - 8AM
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Boundaries

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-bou...

And this

"Healthy Boundaries allow us to:

• Be assertive by stating opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs in a respectful manner; ability to say yes or no, and are okay when others say no
• Separate needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others
• Empower us to make healthy choices and take responsibility for oneself
• Have high self-esteem and self respect
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship
• Protect physical and emotional space from invasion or intrusion
• Take care of our own needs
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared"

From:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Boundaries_the_importance.html

Nov 24 - 8AM
Daisyd
Daisyd's picture

Not just boundaries....

In a love relationship but boundaries with friends too. i have a strictly platonic male friend who took me to lunch the other day (we take turns) and I was showing him a pic of my deceased Maine Coon cat 'Boo' that I had on my homepage screen of my blackberry. Well he had my bb in his hands and starts to flip to the main menu icon page when I took my phone away from him. I was annoyed and this morning sent him off an e-mail telling him I didn't like the way he felt so comfortable in flipping through my bb. I told him it was a violation of my personal space and he did not receive permission to do so. Told him it would be like him giving me his wallet to show me a picture and me just nosing through his wallet and how would he like it if I took the 'liberty' to do that?? He did apologize and I have forgiven, this time. I advised him never to do that again. I think boundaries should start with friends and lovers! We need to practice being good to ourselves and protecting our own best interests because no one will do it for us!
Nov 24 - 1AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Here are some friggin

Here are some friggin boundaries...Stay off my property, stop calling. Stop texting me. Get the fuck out of my life. Stay out of the stores you know I go to. Stop asking my kid what I'm doing, who I'm seeing. Get your own life and stay the hell out of mine! Simple, to the point, direct. Boundaries are 100 percent our responsibility, as narcs never respect others desires or requests. ds
Nov 23 - 10PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Agreed

Boundaries are so important. They're the building blocks for everything else in life. If this isn't taught early on, you grow up feeling. Just feeling, not thinking. Dysfunction throws boundaries off. It's been difficult to establish boundaries for me. I didn't know I ever had an identity that needed protecting. I danced around the whims and moods of unpredictable parents. It still feels wrong for me to know that no matter what I do, I'll disappoint them. Which they, in turn, love because they love to see me completely destroyed. It's an ugly cycle. Boundaries still feel awkward for me. Great post, thanks for this one.
Nov 22 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, Hermes, healthy bounderies are key

Great reminder, thanks for sharing. God bless, Goldie
Nov 16 - 1PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Absolutely

This is what was so lacking in my relationship with the ex - and if I am honest in some of my previous relationships. I went to my therapist 18 months ago specifically for this reason because I had no idea how it worked. I am not stupid but felt incredibly unaware. But being with the ex-N as soon as I tried to instill boundaries he would just break them down or ignore them with her persistence on his own entitlement. So, I was always left confused. I definitely tried but as we all know they never respect anything we try to impose in a very respectful manner. I now know exactly what boundaries are for myself and others. So much more healthier. Thank you Hermes. Dee x
Nov 16 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

boundaries again

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/the-emotional-injury-distorted-boundaries And here is a really good list: When you give up your boundaries in a relationship you: Are unclear about your preferences Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern Alter your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively) Do more and more for less and less Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard Live hopefully while wishing and waiting Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving Let the other's minimal improvement maintain your stalemate I have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else/accept alibis Are manipulated by flattery so you lose objectivity Try to create intimacy with a narcissist Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it See your partner as causing your excitement Fell hurt and victimized but not angry Act out of compliance and compromise Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no) Disregard intuition in favor of wishes Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends Mostly feel afraid and confused Are enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed (no bottom line) Believe you have no right to secrets But the good part: When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you: Have clear preferences and act upon them Recognize when you are happy/unhappy Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively) Do more when that gets results Trust your own intuition while being open to other's opinions Live optimistically while co-working on change Are only satisfied if you are thriving Are encouraged by sincere, ongoing change for the better Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity See your partner as stimulating your excitement Let yourself feel anger, say "ouch" and embark upon a program of change Act out of agreement and negotiation Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no) Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own Mostly feel secure and clear Are always aware of choices Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious" Taken from: http://www.yourpotential.net/3/5/A_Checklist_on_Boundaries_in_a_Relationship.html