Broke NC

So I broke NC. Haven't seen him for 3 months....
But had to get some clothes back cause he wouldn't send them.

Had coffee... Talked general chit chat .... Such a realization that even when we were in a relationship all it was was general chit chat. Cause he was so un intimate it wasn't funny.

How do I feel? Well I actually thought I would feel a hundred times worse. I thought I would sit across from him and miss him and want to touch him but I didn't.
So I know how far I've come. The illusion is gone. I 100% see him for who he is. I feel sorry for him that he will never experience emotions like the rest of us.
But I am unbelievably sad. So sad that I gave so much of me to someone who never actually cared.
That he meant the world to me yet I meant nothing.
That just makes me sad. Not anxious or spinning like I thought I would..... And no desire to contact him again and let him know how i felt about meeting.... Theres no point.
I realize now how far I've come.... How many steps I've taken and looked after me.... I don't wonder what could be anymore. And I don't feel like I've gone backwards by meeting him..... I'm still facing forwards and looking ahead.

Just sad.
But positive because some where in my future there is someone who will think the world of me and there is a space in my heart for them when they come along.... I'm in no rush.
Xx