broke NC after one month of going strong... feeling angry at myself... embarassed...how do i get back on the horse??

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#1 May 26 - 10AM

littlestbird

broke NC after one month of going strong... feeling angry at myself... embarassed...how do i get back on the horse??

even though it was just a TEXT message. i really shouldn't drink alcohol. ever. i had one beer. and then a glass of wine. i was very tipsy and happy, inflated with these feelings of inner peace and acceptance of the world and all peoples' sufferings. i am a very compassionate person (though being compassionate with myself is the hardest task for me, but not others for some reason)...

i felt *compelled* to send him a text saying i was sorry about the unhappiness i caused him and also for the deeply buried dissatisfaction with life he has been experiencing in life general. and then i told him i hoped he is having a good vacation! (wtf?) (because that is how he is dealing with this, buying a plane ticket and seeking lots of stimulation)...

to my surprise, he responded...by saying his own version of the non-truth. very proper, almost like an automated response, saying, "thanks, i am doing much better and i hope you are too. sorry also, wish you the best."

i felt offended at this - i don't know why! maybe because i sensed the old tinge of lying in it. i proceeded to send him another text, laced with sarcasm (stupid me) about how i know he is too interesting for me (he used to allude to this concept) and how my desire to be more simple about life and not be obsessed with what i now realize to be his grandious (yet terrible unrealistic) fantasies. i told him i realized how mundane and boring i was (self sabotage!!!!) and that i know now how much stimulation he requires.

to this, all he said was, "no. it wasn't about you. we were both just in bad places."

wtf. i am SO upset with myself for breaking NC. his cold, reserved, false responses make my blood boil. how to i get strong again????

#2 May 27 - 7AM

stillsinging

question re NC

Barbara thank you for your reply and sorry to be dense - i have checked all i can find on NC - but do you mean just cut off and not say why, nothing? cos he thinks we're all cool and if just blocked calls etc he could go really nasty, i have to be careful not to inflame him cos he could do me damage (i feel this have n't exactly seen it) in work and my domestic life - which is complex, too much so to explain. thanks

#3 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #35)

Barbara (not verified)

stillsinging

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? JUST CUT OFF AND SAY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do now, today!! and block his emails, texts, phone... it's not rocket science ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#4 May 27 - 2PM (Reply to #36)

stillsinging

And it's not rocket science

And it's not rocket science that i would be nuts to dump a person because someone - i have no idea who you are - on a website tells me to! 'Do now today' - what qualifies you to say that?

#5 May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #37)

better off

You've obviously not read

You've obviously not read very much of this site if you would even ask that question. Barbara doesn't make these statements as if they are HER advice.. it IS the advice of qualified professionals and along with EVERY SINGLE STORY on this board, I would say the burden of proof that your situation is "different" would be with you. Of course you are free to do as you wish, and you will find out the hard way. When people get defensive instead of simply disagreeing with the advice that is usually big ole fat denial kicking in. And by the way, lots of therapists have been able to tell women (and men) that they are with someone pathological without having met them.

#6 May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #45)

stillsinging

very creepy

it may be the advice of 'qualified professionals' and i'm sure good advice in some circumstances, not in mine. my own qualified professional would certainly not advise doing what i'm told by some anonymous person on a website. neither of you know my story in full, nothing near, so i find it very odd that you are telling me what to do and becoming so agitated bcos i choose to make my own mind up after due thought and research. i am certainly disagreeing with advice, defensive and in denial i don't think so although i would like an open discussion about it - why would i be here if i was in denial? with an open mind i am gleaning as much info as i can and much of what i read here resonates but that does not mean that i will jump just bcos you say i should. do you know enough details to describe my partner as pathological? what's with the 'burden of proof', am i now in court? you sound like you want me to 'find out the hard way.' this is quite creepy and undermines the whole argument.

#7 May 27 - 9PM (Reply to #48)

TNR1

An N is about himself, who will advocate for you?

Hi Stillsinging!! I am 2 weeks into NC and every day is torture, but I keep asking myself "Don't I deserve better?" NC isn't about punishing the N, it's about getting really clear about who you are. It is about giving you space to reflect on what really was and wasn't true. You can't get that when you are still communicating with him because he'll tell you what you want to hear to keep you as "his" and to keep the pattern going. I'm reading "Stalking the Soul" right now and highly recommend it. I also highly recommend journaling everything you remember..the good, the bad, the indifferent. Sometimes we focus only on the good when there is often an equal amount of bad or indifference to counter it. Journaling gets it all out so we can't deny those things that prompted us come to this site.

#8 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #47)

better off

Going Ape

Yes, that's the only detail I need to know. If you are afraid of dumping him because of the repercussions, because of what he will do to you, that the advice to break off contact with him is "INCENDIARY" then that's a pretty big detail. If it is dangerous to break up with someone, then that someone is dangerous. Normal people don't go ape and f**k up your life if you break up with them. When you are the one emotionally involved with a dangerous person, it is extremely difficult to see the forest for the trees... perhaps you could try looking at it from the perspective, that you being so close to the situation are having trouble seeing it for what it is, while people, as you rightly say who don't even know you, can see a gigantic neon red flag waving in your story. I remember telling a good friend that she didn't understand the details of my situation and the man in my life, but the truth is she understood it a hell of a lot better than I did, and she was right from day one. I think also you are mixing two things here...whether or not this is a dangerous guy and whether or not it's best to break off contact without warning. I believe he's dangerous because you've already stated that he would do something to hurt you if you broke it off. Whether or not you "wean off" is another question.. if you try to explain that the relationship is over for you, you will find that the EXPERIENCES of people here are that he will do one of several things: A) He will promise to change and swear he cares about you.. and you will believe him... and then be unprepared for the biggest D&D of all because he will have to be the one who dumps YOU... and you won't get any empathy like you want to give him B) He will blame it all on you, and twist it all around and confuse and hurt you C) He will "go ape" anyway If you feel he is so dangerous that going NC is dangerous (yet you are not sure if he's pathological) then of course you need to be careful and prepared for what he might do, and anyone here would not suggest you don't need real life help to achieve safety. Contacting a DV shelter is often helpful it trying to plan a way to be rid of someone safely.

#9 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #46)

better off

That came off harsher than I

That came off harsher than I intended it to... and no, I DON'T want you to find out the hard way!! But the hard way seems to be the way most people do find out. The frustration comes from US when we see it coming... what do you suppose the MOTIVE is here to tell you to go no contact? What gain do any of us have in telling you that? It's because this is a very predictable scenario, despite your protestations that it's all "different" in your case. Everyone thinks that in the beginning... everyone thinks it's "different." As for me, I don't care if you tell him you're done with him or not, but at some point you will find that it's never "over" with them until you make it be over... so you can do it now or do it later, but eventually you will be doing it. I think it's a bit sad that you find some of us HERE "creepy" but you aren't sure if the man you predict "going ape" is creepy? Or creepy enough to be pathological or not? I've seen this splitting of hairs other times, and I suppose I feel quite frustrated when the occasional victim would prefer to shoot the messengers rather than the ape man. Of course you don't have to jump when someone says something here, you don't have to do anything. WE aren't trying to control you, like your possible N is controlling you with fear. But you seem very offended about people being firm about their opinions. You came to the board presumably to find information and opinions and you will not find any advice here that suggests dangerous people can be "managed." Instead of haughtily (it feels to me) tell people they don't know your situation, and how dare they comment, how about explaining your situation so that there is more information then? Perhaps to explain Barbara's methods... (sorry to speak for you B, but if you disagree with this analogy, please say so)... if she saw your house on fire, she would probably abruptly tell you to GET OUT NOW!! And you might want to say, well I'm not sure my house is actually on fire... I just smelled some smoke, and the wiring in the house is faulty and has been acting up for some time, but I'm not really sure the house is on FIRE... and she would probably say to protect yourself and GET OUT NOW and then we can talk about whether or not it was on fire. Firefighters are very careful about fires. I don't have a problem with you questioning the advice or thinking you may have extenuating circumstances that you haven't explained, but I do have a problem with an attitude that SEEMS to be that we have no right or qualifications to have our views about it. If you don't want to go no contact, don't, but we are not the bad guys.

#10 May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #38)

betty2020

I think sometimes maybe we

I think sometimes maybe we forget that newomers come to this site in search of an immediate solution to an overly complex problem of which there is no solution but no contact. This is a difficult concept for them to grasp out of the gate. I feel it requires much reaseach on the part of the individual to get to the place of acceptance. I'm sure barbra could explain this better but I hope we can give her the constructive tools needed to help her see the truth and move forward in recovery when she is ready. Her anger is fear of the unknown. I have been there. Barbra knows this I'm sure.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#11 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #39)

stillsinging

how do you know i'm not in place of acceptance

if you're talking to me i'm not angry. i was trying to discuss and understand the point of view as i am indeed researching a complex problem. instead of open discussion i found a stranger shouting at me. none of you know what my situation is and i am not in search of an immediate solution, that is my whole point. i am exploring it. how do you know i'm not in a place of 'acceptance'? you don't know me.

#12 May 28 - 1PM (Reply to #44)

Barbara (not verified)

stillsinging

you don't know me either and you haven't read around this entire site very much apparently. if you want to come here and "discuss", realize that you are "discussing" this with a qualified relationship coach (me) with years of experience as a long time victim & and victim's coach and members who know that when it comes to NARCS or PSYCHOPATHS - there is NO GRAY AREA and NO DISCUSSION. You keep hinting there are extenuating circumstances but you never elaborate. Don't be one of these people: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml if you need help going NC - then go to your nearest DV Crisis Center, ask to see an advocate and make a plan. There is no "weaning" or "partial contact" possible. If he's going to GO APE anyway - then he's still controlling you via fear and you need a DV Advocate & the police involved. you think you love him and you admitted you're fixated. Actually that's fear & cognitive dissonance. And sorry but you aren't going hear what you'd LIKE to hear on this board. You'll hear the truth. you get out and go No Contact ASAP. Period. This is non-negotiable. You don't like me or my approach. No problem. If we aren't saying what you want to hear, that's not an issue either. If you don't like our approach there are numerous other websites that you can go to. Here's one: http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php All the best. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#13 May 27 - 5PM (Reply to #41)

betty2020

The place of acceptance

The place of acceptance comes when u are NC. You have full awareness to the dangers this person represents in ur life. I understand their may be children involved. It can't be that easy in this case but their are methods of dealing with this too. U are right. I do not have a clear understanding on how your personal situation is different than the rest of us dealing with psychopathic narcs. We would like to understand so we can have better dialog.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#14 May 27 - 7PM (Reply to #42)

Barbara (not verified)

betty2020

there is no psychopathic Narc the Cluster B spectrum only goes in ONE DIRECTION. Narc -----> Psychopath ALL Psychopaths are also Narcissists but NOT ALL Narcissists are also Psychopaths they could only be a Narcissistic Psychopath; not the other way around ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#15 May 27 - 9PM (Reply to #43)

betty2020

oops

Reverse that. Narc psycho.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#16 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #40)

better off

I guess you're saying a lot

I guess you're saying a lot of confusing things then... so you ARE in a place of acceptance? About what? I'm not being sarcastic, I really am not sure what you are in acceptance about. Today's posts are that you don't even know if he's pathological or not, and how dare anyone say he is... You've also stated that you are addicted to him. So your comments seem kind of contradictory to me, as well as you appearing to be angry about the responses on the board, but saying you are not angry. You keep saying we don't know you and don't understand your complex problem, but you aren't explaining anything else about yourself or your problem... If we're ignorant of some pertinent details, please enlighten us. Obviously anyone here can only go by what you've already said.

#17 May 27 - 6AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

their agenda....

it's nothing like ours.....and it's nothing like anyone who could be contstrued as normal.....anytime they contact you...they want something from you....their agenda is always a hidden one....after i tossed the psycho, he would from time to time contact me....but no matter what he said..what he wanted was ATTENTION...positive or negative...didn't matter to him.....i finally saw that he contacted me only when he was completely without other supply...or when he wanted to use me for something.... since we're human and they're not.....it's hard to understand this aspect of them.....the psycho would send me an email...saying something like .....'i would like to open a civilized diagloge concerning signing divorce papers'...but what he REALLY wanted was for me to reply...so he could be a bastard....get me angry....then chide and taunt me and tell me he wasn't going to sign divorce papers because of ME...my ATTITUDE....my WHATEVER.......it all a GAME..... every minute of every day of their lives is a GAME..a sick endless game....... â€œI do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog

#18 May 27 - 5AM

stillsinging

visualing 'minimising' him

I'm not NC but heading there now i'm aware of this whole pattern that aint gonna change and is screwing me up but am pretty sure he will go ape if i just finish out of the blue cos he won't want to let me go and i'm aware of possible repurcussions (not violence but could be nasty). but last night sent text thinking i could be big enough to say hi as we have shared good times. now he thinks i'm back in the fold.. never mind i know better. i know i'm addicted to him and we occasionally have the best sex ever, so i find it hard to voluntarily turn my back on that. but i'm trying to train myself to see him as a sad unattractive loser by 'minimising' him as if on a computer screen, i like to see him as a crumpled little carcass on the floor, way below me, goddess like, enjoying the good things in life that my preocupation with him stops. sometimes it works and practise makes... now i know it's not going to be happy ever after and the more i see him the worse he will behave, i'm wondering if i can think like a man and be so distant he does n't know what the fks going on and just have the fake nice every few weeks as he tries to get me back in the fold. have already cut out the love talk and when am i gonna see you which is confusing him - till i sent the stupid text anyway. with love to you all.

#19 May 27 - 6AM (Reply to #24)

Barbara (not verified)

stillsinging

you can NOT ease into NC. just DO IT! http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/04/17/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#20 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #25)

stillsinging

ignore previous BArbara, sorry

i really was being dense, just seen the link you posted which i had n't before. hmmmm. still think he'd go ape if just cut off like that, don't know what he'd do but i'll read it again.

#21 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #26)

Barbara (not verified)

who cares!

WHO CARES IF HE GOES APE!!!! WHO CARES WHAT HE DOES!!! call the cops immediately if he harasses or stalks he's DONE! you can NOT manage a pathological or do this any other way. JUST DO IT!! NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#22 May 27 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

stillsinging

I appreciate your good

I appreciate your good intentions and your replies and I find this site interesting and illuminating. But I am here to discuss and air my thoughts, not to dump someone with no explanation just because a person I don't know on a website tells me to. you know almost nothing about me, my partner or the situation, no therapist would describe someone they have n't met as pathological and I have no idea if he is or not. Also, I care if he goes ape as I said before, for my own valid reasons. I see the point of NC especially where physical and severe emotional abuse is concerned but for my part as a decent human being, i would tell him. narcissm is obviously your business but I think you should be careful about prompting people to take destructive, incendiary action like this.

#23 May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

better off

You "have no idea if he is

You "have no idea if he is pathological or not"... yet you are terrified of dumping him because he will "go ape" if you do so, and cause you personal and professional damage if you do? Does that sound like normal behavior? Do you think people are AFRAID to break up with a NORMAL person? Or a pathological person? If you're afraid that his response will be TO HURT YOU for breaking up with him, then I will say HE IS PATHOLOGICAL and I don't need a psych degree to do so. If you refuse to believe the EVIDENCE of your OWN life, then no one will be able to help you very much. Eventually he will f**k with you to the point that you DO get it, and then you will be back. Good luck. Weaning off contact does not work and you will not find a single case of it working on this site or any other. But what do we know?

#24 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

stillsinging

this started bcos i wanted

this started bcos i wanted to discuss breaking up with someone without telling them. in my case - and no i'm not going to tell you full details bcos you are misinterpreting everything already - i my case, i would tell him bcos it would cause less aggravation. yes i get that he will try and lure me back and all the rest but there really seems to be no point in continuing to try and explain. btw we are not talking about a violent man here. and my own therapist is not even suggesting i leave him never mind do so without saying and she does know the details.

#25 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

hope4me

Sounds to me like you don't

Sounds to me like you don't want to leave him anyway so why continue the discussion.

#26 May 27 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

better off

Great! Sounds like your

Great! Sounds like your therapist doesn't have a problem with you being addicted to him or being afraid to break up with him because of the problems he will cause you in the future. Sounds like much better advice. BTW..I didn't ask you for FULL details, I asked you for SOME details. You say you are being misinterpreted and then refuse to explain it any further... so I won't bother you anymore, as it's become somewhat of a circular conversation. You had asked how Barbara could be at all qualified to discuss it, and I responded. I do hope you continue your research. ciao

#27 May 27 - 11PM (Reply to #31)

neveragain5

Circular talk....had enough

Circular talk....had enough of that for a lifetime! Stillsinging, I understand your situation. I tried to "wean" mine off as well. I did not know if he was dangerous or not. Everybody here is right though, if you truly think he is an N, (and from what I have read he appears to be one), then NC is the only way. If he is not an N, from what you say, he is (at the very least), an abusive person and it is for your own safety that you get away from him. Prepare yourself. Go to the cops and speak with them. Make sure where you live is secure. Change your routine. Nothing that you can say or do, is going to stop him from being dangerous if he is pathological OR if you suspect that he is dangerous anyway. The people on this board CARE. They are not here to, "tell you what to do". They are here to give their opinion and help others break away from destruction and STAY away because these PREDATORS will take you down, piece by piece.

#28 May 26 - 4PM

Janet

They also feel power when

They also feel power when they get from a kind text from you and they can respond like they are mature and just trying to be normal and kind back. HAH. As is said below, you will never get the response you are looking for. After NC for a while you will realize to really don't want any response. Good luck and take it easy on yourself. Peace. J

Peace. J

#29 May 26 - 3PM

moving on

Its k

Shit happens. I broke NC plenty of time. I would delete his # from your phone and block it if you can. You're just dealing with your feelings right now. He will NEVER say what you want to hear. So do yourself a favor and don't ever have a situation where you have to listen to him. It is hard as hell and the process can't be sped up. It's literally day by day. So do something nice for YOURSELF every day to appreciate you and the life you've been given. Forget him, as he has forgotten you except as a possible form of supply. Basically he is still using you because you're letting him. Don't give him that satisfaction. Move on :)

#30 May 26 - 2PM

enoughalready

NC

Just try to pick yourself up and start again. I did it several times and always felt bad afterwards. Remember how u feel now when u feel tempted. When I block his txts and calls w/ my cell company, it goes both ways so even if I tried to call or txt him, I couldn't. That helped trememdously. I know how u feel, anything and everything they say, still affects us negatively. There's no positives in contacting the XN.

#31 May 26 - 1PM

masquerades (not verified)

littlestbird

I can't say it better than quietude - you get back up, brush yourself off, and start NO CONTACT again. Don't be so hard on yourself. But I know exactly how you must be feeling. I remember with my NXH: one of the very last text messages between us was one sent from me to him when I basically told him that I would always remember all the nice things he did for me. ...HOLD ON... Okay, I'm back. Sorry - I had to run to the toilet to puke...

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