calamity gina's story

letting go of a man who disappeared

I’m going to refer to the narcissist here as being male, only because this is my only experience with this kind of person.

Ending an unhealthy relationship is a lot easier than the aftermath when you might forget why you had to end it. It is a very hard thing to love a person whom you discovered is not who you thought he was.

A man who is putting on a front to impress you can only do it for so long. I’ve met two men like this and both times it took six months before I met the real person, behind the public persona.

I am lucky to say I got out of the relationship relatively early both times. I know women who married men like this and my heart truly goes out to them.

We all know there are different kinds of unhealthy relationships. I can say I now know what a narcissist is, though spelling it is harder than understanding it. Having words to describe experiences is very important to me. I need this. I need to be able to describe something before I can understand it and then deal with it.

We all have heard the saying love hurts. I wonder how much it is really supposed to hurt. It should not hurt all the while you are in a relationship, that is for sure. That cannot be love.

Leaving a person who, you found out — so to speak, does get easier the more you are around people and much easier to get over once you are either dating or involved with a healthy person. Having a relationship is one of the best ways to get over a bad one! Really!

It takes a bit more time for me to grieve than for some people, probably because I have clinical depression, but I know from having read other women’s stories that this kind of relationship can do a great deal of harm in many ways. It can be quite serious.

Depression can cause you to forget that you deserve the best and to take care of yourself because low self-esteem and/or self-blame is part of it’s game. Add to that a person who has the ability to slowly, little by little, have control over your mind so that he can rip apart your self-esteem, your independence and assertiveness and there is a recipe for a great deal of emotional pain.

Love is certainly an elusive subject isn’t it? One thing I know is what love is not. It is not controlling another person. It is not using another person for sex or money. It is not making another person hurt to make yourself feel better.

My guy was Mr. Charmer at first, which by the way is a huge red flag. He just couldn’t stop telling me how wonderful I was and how he adored everything about me. Another red flag. If a man cannot talk about things besides how great you are then you should stop and think about things. Flattery is always nice but when this is all a man ever does watch out! Not only is it possible you have a real ass on your hands to deal with but you will never be able to have mutually stimulating conversations. Unless all you ever want to hear is how great you are. One day this will turn and you will hear just the opposite. It is all part of a game. I believe it is a pathological game.

My guy gave me many gifts, which can also be a red flag or at least the gifts will tell you a lot about him, because guess what? They will always be gifts that he likes. My guy loved buying expensive roses. He never asked if I liked roses. Of course most of us loves roses, but he never asked what flowers I really wanted. I would have chosen some old time flowers, with huge petals and strong fragrance that reminds me of being a child in the country.

He sent by UPS large quantities of cookies that I liked for about one minute. I began giving them away. I had cases! My mom liked them, but mostly he liked them. Of course. They were his favorite cookies, not mine. He has no clue what mine are, which are Pims, by Lu, orange or raspberry, yummy.

He gave me a couple of huge boxes of energy bars. So many they would have molded with one person eating on them, so I shared them with my sick mother who lives on a fixed low income and guess what? The guy, who was always throwing money around to impress people, got upset when he discovered I had shared the energy bars. I also shared some with my son. Once the jerk (another name for a narcissist), said to me, “Okay, these are for you and you can’t give your son anymore.”

I told him I would give my mother and son anything I wanted to give them. I should have known then that coming near would be the end. He was a control freak and he could never handle an independent woman with her own opinions and ideas. This greatly compromised his fragile illusion of his self.

Looking back I can see where I asserted myself quite a few times and now I believe that he counted each time, waiting to get me back because my assertiveness to him was something that deserved revenge.

I thought I had already learned this lesson in life. I never thought I would again date someone that my gut told me not to trust, but I did. I was again in a very vulnerable position in life. I was lonely and very sad. I was broke. It was almost Christmas. My car needed a large repair. My son has a brain disorder. My mother was sick. And, perhaps the most relevant, is that I am disabled and was very sick when he came into my life.

I guess I thought being with him, even with the gut feeling inside telling me I should not trust this man, was in my lonely mind better than being alone every day. Now, I beg to differ.

There is something the Native Americans call, The Circle of Life. I believe we keep returning to the same place only with more knowledge and wisdom. Apparently, I didn’t fully get it the first time I went against my gut and so I did it again. My only saving grace was that I had learned about men who play head games and lie. So I could see it coming and I stopped it before the damage was too great. Bad things always happen when I go against my gut.

I had one person who I confided in before I got too involved with this man. He told me to never see this man again. He said I would get hurt. He knew, just like I did, that this man was not an honest person and that there was something about him that we couldn’t see but we could definitely feel. I did not listen.

I also confided in two other people, whom I love a great deal and whose opinions matter to me. Unfortunately, these two women encouraged me and said my gut was only my inability to trust. I must admit that I am still struggling to forgive these two people for encouraging me, even after things got weird. At first I think they just wanted to see me happy and it was obvious that this man was making me feel happy. But then, after I started to feel badly and knew that things were not right, they still encouraged it and for one reason: MONEY.

Now this hurts me to know that two people I love and trusted wanted me to give up my dignity for money. I do not believe I will ever confide in these two people again.

Predators like people like me. They like nice, giving, caring, understanding, loving and kind people — who are going through a difficult time. They like to come in and look like a hero, rescuing your butt all over the place and then, once they get you believing that they care and love you, they begin their plan to bring you down.

I’m talking about a certain kind of predator. A person who for whatever reasons has a damaged character and personality. This person will portray a public image that truly has nothing to do with who he or she really is, but this is for the public and it is not what you will see behind closed doors.

You will see on the outside a confident and outgoing person, seemingly quite concerned for others’ well-being, a social butterfly even — but on the inside is an entirely different story. There is a person without any substance and sadly, he knows it.

I loved a pretend man. An illusion. Truly an impostor. The man I loved was sweet, innocent, giving, caring and compassionate. He thought the world of me and I loved being loved that much. This was not the real person though.

The real person who I got to know — after the first time I expressed my needs to have a healthy relationship — is a man who cannot think of other people’s feelings.

When you love someone like this, he will freak out inside when he sees you assert your independence and express your individual ideas and your personal beliefs. I know it hurts when you share your heart felt desires for a healthy relationship, thinking you will get a normal response; communication, but instead he runs like a chicken with his head cut off.

Have you ever seen that? I have. It isn’t very pretty — but later it is kind of funny. If you get out and make some new friends you will be able to laugh about it, I hope.

Still, there is nothing funny about loving someone who turns out to be a totally different person than you thought. This hurts! But this is not love. Yeah, the love you felt and feel is real, but it isn’t the love that hurts. It is the shock when you meet the real person who has been hidden from you until you fell in love and began to depend on the companionship. The narcissistic man will wait until he knows you love him before he shows his true colors.

I don’t know why, but strangely, the women who fall in love with men like this are educated, attractive, and independent women. They also so often have another commonality, which is that they were in a vulnerable situation or state of mind when they entered into the relationship.

A true narcissist cannot stand feeling that he is not absolutely and altogether the most important person above everyone else in your life, including children, elderly parents, your hobbies and even your career. He must feel above all of those things.

He needs to feel like he is the most special and greatest human being you’ve ever known too, while in reality, he is a person who does not deserve your time of day.

He is a person who lies, cheats, and doesn’t have any remorse or compassion for the people who are hurt by his actions. He is a damaged individual. Usually he will have an excuse for his lack of empathy or remorse, which will often be something that happened in his childhood. He will remind you of whatever happened when you confront him.

I understand mental illness. I understand things about childhood trauma. I do not understand being able to detach from your feelings and heart and really not care about others. I believe this is a sickness of the mind.

My heart goes out to all of the smart, intelligent and loving women who fell in love with and some even married a man — who was a fake. It is a dreadful experience.

I can only imagine what women feel who have given ten, twenty or thirty years to this kind of a relationship. That must feel like you wasted your life. I believe though that if you have a day left to live, only one day, then live it without that man.

Take a chance and go out into the world, with a weekly appointment for counseling of course, and live one day free.

A great place to help you is a site I found called, “So, You’re In-love with a Narcissist.” Below is the link and I promise you will get help but you have to keep going back to either get out or to stay out once you made it out! At least until you get more clear in your mind because your heart will keep on wanting that pretend guy you fell for. He is not real.

Listen to the wise women who have gone before you. They will not only be able to describe your guy in crazy detail but they will show you how to get free!

Check it out: www.lisaescott.com

Also, one great book is simply titled, “Verbal Abuse,” the author I do not have now but it should be easy to locate on Amazon. Awesome book. It is simple and to the point. Sometimes we do not know what is happening to us until we discover that there are actually words to describe exactly what we are experiencing. Knowledge really is freedom.

If you are in a relationship where you feel confused, like anything that goes wrong is your fault, and you begin to feel badly about yourself, like you just aren’t good enough, all the while you hear someone say how much he loves you. ??? Red Flags.

It takes two to tango remember? Feeling like everything is your fault or always feeling confused during or after your interactions is one of the classic signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. Love does not make you feel this way. Love makes you feel good about yourself.

Good luck, many blessings and much courage to you!

I also wrote, “An Ode to a narcissist.”
I also gave him a copy of it and told him I knew his game. There are some words in the "Ode," for mature audience but nothing really bad, at least I don't think so.

Read "Ode to a narcissist," at:

http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/2009/09/17/an-ode-to-a-narcissist/
There also a funny picture that fits so well with the blog.

Thanks for reading,

calamity gina.