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Called N during my breakdown=left sobbing message.I"m a dumbass!!!!

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#1 Apr 9 - 7PM
shortway2
shortway2's picture

Called N during my breakdown=left sobbing message.I"m a dumbass!!!!

I completly folded at my lowest of low points during this 3 day breakdown and I called the ex-N and left a sobbbing message saying that I was having a breakdown and that it had part to do with wht happened with us..

After hours of recovering,i wrote."well Im just glad I have good friends,etc because part of the reason I broke down was because of what you did to me,Since you are so cruel and mean I don't expect anything from you anyway"..

what a mess.i am just happy I have other good people in my life.because if i only had him I would be completly a wreck.

Apr 10 - 10AM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

I've done this

Even with this last cat, I contacted him several times seeking validation and closure. I felt stupid each time I wrote him, but it is your human right to want to feel like someone that knowingly hurt you will be compassionate enough to apologize, give you closure or allow your to express your feelings because you were hurt. I admit I didn't stop contacting the Narc that I thought was my friend until almost two weeks ago, but the last one I sent was after I found out about his criminal background and I told him that I knew the truth and I haven't contacted him since, and I deleted the facebook page he had access to, but even now, I still year for just a simple apology and answer or a way to express my pain to him, because he hurt me. That's not dumb, stupid nor crazy. That's being human
Apr 10 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
shortway2
shortway2's picture

Thanks..I just feel he is so

Thanks..I just feel he is so saddistic..CLEARLY..that he gets off on my pain..So I am mad I let him know of my hurt.It is the first time he heard my voice in 7 mths and i was a wreck.. I am glad I backed it up saying that I feel better and that he is the reason for alot of it because..he has tried to call me crazy and this and that and I am sure he in his head was trying to validate that with the phone call He is a sick individual..The more we keep going back for more the sicker we become
Apr 10 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

mine won't give closure even if we talk

I do not think my Ex N gets off on my pain, I think he is terrified of it!! Maybe he likes knowing I really cared but he hates feeling like the bad guy even though he is the bad guy. This alone is enough for him to never talk about it - it wrecks his image to be thought of as someone who trashes people - but he has trashed every woman so far - me being the only one he ever even tried to keep around long term - don't feel bad - I want the validation too! Like WHY did you abandon me without discussion? Did you forget my belongings are still in your house??? But he is like a scared teenager who ran off and is now partying with a sleazy girl - what can we really say to these folks? I know mine is praying I will just go away and get over him. I am SO thankful he lives far away now. If he was still down the street from me I would have gone totally nuts
Apr 10 - 9AM
shortway2
shortway2's picture

Thanks you.. I realized what

Thanks you.. I realized what happened here with my new guy I'm talking to,since he had problems with his phone and apoligized..My mother was right I projected all my insecurites,fear,etc,NC feeling that the ex-N gaveto me and freaked out on the new guy over one week of dropping off the face of the planet..I have let the ex-N seep into the next situation I had a severe breakdown with anxiety attacks,not sleeping,not eating,raw stuff.for 3 days...Then I heard from the guy I'm talking to about what really happened and an apology.. I thought it was round 2 of silent treatment,etc..It triggered the most animlistic feeling in me ever... I am now realizing that I am a victim of a narc,and verbal and emotional abuse and it is going into the next situation.I am realized how it could affect the littlest fears..I am going to work on it very much..I thought I should put up walls,but that is not how I live,I just need to work on compartmentalizing who did what,etc. Yes,I called and no he didn't call back..Could you imagine if I had nooone but him and he didnt even respond...Someone I let live in my family home,lend $3,000 to...and help with everything..He saw me on the side of the road and just walked by.... Why you ask,because he has the new Ow who showers him with"you're the best"../" i love you" all these kiss ass comments.. I was completely thrown back into the same feeling of when I walked in on him with the OW..My whole room looked the same..everything had the same suffering surrounding me..I am not back in the present day...
Apr 9 - 10PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

oh baby!

You're not DUMB! HE is the dumbass! HE made you feel like you were dumb. Listen, this person who supposedly was so close to you, so linked arm in arm with you, so intertwined with you as he would have liked you to feel and believe, is someone who is now behaving as if he never knew you, and that freaking KILLS! The pain is so bad. They put you on a pedestal and when they're ready BAM they throw you off that thing so hard you crack your g-damn head open it feels like! He might as well just have hit you over the head with a blunt object, that's how much their stinkin behavior hurts. You are a normal, caring, empathetic human being. Go easy on yourself.
Apr 9 - 9PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The pain is horrific isn't

The pain is horrific isn't it? Its so bad that we reach out to them just to get a fix to ease the pain. Ubfortunately even if they do acknowledge is our relief is only temporary. Look shortway you are pretty tough you will get thru this. This might be your inner self saying I'm not so tough. Acknowledge it and be gentle with yourself
Apr 9 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Aw...no you are not a 'dumb

Aw...no you are not a 'dumb ass.' Not at all! You're hurting. It's very natural to reach out to those who have hurt us...to get closure. Or to seek an apology. Not that you're seeking an apology, but often times, when you tell someone he/she hurt you...he/she apologizes. With narcs...they either reply in ways that are further adding insult to injury OR they offer silence. I will keep you in my prayers that you can go NC and stick with it...no matter what he does or doesn't do. NC does give one strength. I wish I had stuck to it.
Apr 9 - 7PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Awww, not a dumbass

Just a sad woman with a lot of healing to do. I am glad you have the support of some good people in your life and not just the exN too. Not expecting anything from the ex helps a lot in healing. It hurts horribly initially to realize you have to accept that, but accepting that makes a huge difference in moving forward. I hope you feel better soon. ((hugs))

Journey on...