Can they ever treat the next woman differently?

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ilianna57's picture
Can they ever treat the next woman differently?

Its been 6 weeks since we split up. without a doubt, I know he is a Narc. He had to brag to me about finding 2 other women already that he is interested in. He was married for 17 years and ended it, and we lived together for 8 years at my place.
I know everyone says that he will go on to treat the next woman the same. But why do I have such a hard time believing that he will be different with her? Why do I feel that he maybe has learned and will treat her right? Do you think it is possible? That's what hurts so much and why it hurts so very deeply to think about him being with someone else?
I feel like I was progressing, but now I feel like I am starting all over again.
Help !!!

Susan32's picture
He treated her just as badly...
When I first met the ex-Psych prof's girlfriend, who had moved all the way from California to be with him, he abandoned her... in front of everyone. He didn't introduce her to anyone. As soon as I had a nice chat with her, he went running down the stairs, and soon he was hoovering me, despite the fact she was LIVING WITH HIM. He abandoned her right in front of me. He refused to be held accountable the following days (tho the CIA could've volunteered some tips) When she saw that he was gone, she went running down the stairs after him. When he said "It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend",it spoke more of HIS viewpoint. It didn't matter to HIM. I was so angry at how he treated her... I wanted to psychologically break him right then&there. If he had started begging for mercy, I would've stood there, smiling, enjoying every moment.
onwithmylife's picture
He will never change, here is an example, mine 5 failed relationships, 3 of them marriages, 2 longterm ones, I was the last longterm, treated us all the same way, got to know wife 1 and wife 3, all said same story, rest my case, think what you want, there is a pattern with them, they have no inward thinking, no self awareness, repeat the same pattern over and over and over again, read all you can. you will see......
whoknew's picture
i feel the same way
I can totally relate to you. My ex moved onto another female overnight and they are all "in love" and proudly displaying their affection towards each on FB, etc. I was with him over 4 years so you can imagine the way that makes me feel. Totally forgotten, like I never existed, and like she is somehow more special than I was to him. I somehow feel like I put in all this work with him and she is now benefitting from it. I feel like she got the new and improved him, the one I was waiting for and trying to change. In my head I know that this is not true and that its all an act. I hate to wish hurt on this female but its like I'm almost waiting for it to fall apart so that I can feel like, ok she isnt so special or any better than I. Its all so hard to process and make sense of but hearing about other people going through the same thing really helps me.
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Everything you said also applies to me and how I feel. Your N sounds exactly the same, including the FB crap, except I was only with him for 1 year, not 4.
lostlove458's picture
Same here the whole fb too
Same here the whole fb too and I was torturing myself each time seeing pics etc. He dd me and acts like I don't exsist. I was with him for 5 years!
findingmeagain's picture
He was a azzclown. I'm serious that guy likes to perform alot after seeing what you posted lawd how could you stand it lol. that guy is a walking broadway performance.
strongerthanever's picture
Exactly! This is what I still
Exactly! This is what I still struggle with after 2 yrs. My exN met his now wife when he took a new job. In a month, he started to pull away and then refused to give me his email. I kicked him out because for 3 months, he was raging at me, being nasty to my son (called him f*cking retarded for putting a dish in the dishwacher backwards. My son was 11) and I knew he was interested in someone else (other affairs previously). And in less than a yr, he married her! Just months after he stopped talking to me, stringing me along after the last D&D, he moved in with her just months after her divorce was final and taking her to see his family on the other side of the state just months after I was just there. He got back on depression meds after me begging for over a yr, and boom, new woman, new outlook on life, new waterfront condo, new job, quit teaching, and all the things I tried to get him to do, he did with HER and married her! WTF? He proposed to me twice and then every time I suspected he was up to no good, he ran. And he was up to no good. So, why propose to me and yet still have other women on the side? Why was she so special for him to marry? One very smart lady told me, because he was afraid of you. You were very powerful and you brought out things he didn't want to face about himself and could not defend in front of you. He needed someone with lower self-esteem than him; less challenging; less work and allow less committment so he gets what he wants still. That is not you strongerthanever. Because of who you are, YOU ended it a long time ago. I keep telling myself that every day and some days, I still have a hard time going throughout my day accepting he married someone else. I know it is the faux version of marriage, yet still, it hurts.
findingmeagain's picture
I want to believe this too
I want to believe this too but for some reason I have to keep telling myself this also. I wouldn't marry mines because of financial situations he owed too many people and I wasn't going to help him clean up something that had nothing to do with me one, and two when he was getting all this money he didn't hardly send me one red cent to help with his daughter. I refused to marry him all the time he tried to make it seem like it was out of love he wanted to marrry me but I knew better. Marrying me would've became not just his debt but our debt. He knew that I knew this too but he tried to put on his best award winning act to prove me wrong. Now he throws it in my face how I wouldn't marry him blah, blah, blah. Even knowing what I know if this OW gets a divorce from her husband I know that he will marry her. He wants someone to help him clean up his credit he owes over 10,000 dollars. She has a decent job so she says so if they get a divorce he is going for a marriage. Even though I know his intentions it still would hurt me if he married her. I think thats his next move though. I feel like if he does she will find out sooner how much of a mistake she made he will pull that mask off before the ink is dry on their marriage certificate. But who knows she is so dumb she may try to just cater to him so she won't look like a fool to outsiders . Her family doesn't approve of him and some friends have turned their backs on her for this situation. So she will probably save face alot just so she can prove the naysayers wrong but I know the truth I've lived with him a long time I know whats it like. And I was one who didn't just say nothing I would defend myself and it was straining so I can imagine what it would be like for her.
whoknew's picture
I understand!!!! I KNOW in my
I understand!!!! I KNOW in my head that I am too good for him and that i DESERVE better....but you know its the head and heart battle lol. I am starting to think that because I cannot and will not ever have any closure from this experience from him is what is making it so hard! i want to know why!!!!! i want the truth!!! even if it was him telling me he thinks she is smarter or more attractive or whatever....SOMETHING to make sense of this. Its very hard and it does hurt like hell. i never considered myself the type of woman that would put up with all the crap i did, i thought i was stronger and smarter than that but guess what....i did. very humbling experience. but this is how we grow and learn and love again!!!!! I feel your pain.
gratefuljen's picture
When I first realized my
When I first realized my husband was a n, and I realized that 2 days after we broke up another women was telling him to change his marital status on fb, I, like you, was broken hearted. Then I educated myself. I read and read about npd and n'ism. What I have realized, is that what he is doing to this women is what he did to me. Idealized.......but it was never real. The relationship was never what I thought it was, it never was a relationship. It was just my n, idealizing me. It's hard to wrap your head around that. The devalue and discard, will come. The time frame depends on how much he idealizes her. How much crap she will put up with. When you learn about the disordered, they all do the same things. The pain of him being with another women, decreases when you realize, the love story is and was a lie. Then you can almost feel sorry for her, because she will one day be d & d just like we were. Love Jen
TNR1's picture
If we didn't get the promise...
then someone else must...that is what goes on inside of us. It is hard to believe that the initial great guy we saw was simply an act and the real guy is the one who D&Ded us. Ns don't "change"...they have no real motivation to change because there is always someone (or someones) willing to accept them in the idealization phase. Ns are charmers for a reason. They lure us in with their charm...but then, when they have us, they start to pull away. I have yet to find a single person who posts about how great her relationship is with an N beyond the idealization phase. Once the D&D starts, that is when you find most women here...trying to understand what the heck went wrong. So what is happening now is that your ex N is likely smiring on the charm to these 2 women and they are lapping it up just like you did initially. But it doesn't never lasts because Ns are disordered.
heritage's picture
glad u wrote that. Made me3 feel better. When he was charming me it was the man of my dreams. But when the jerk off started showing his true colors it was the worst. Completely abusive and inhumane and here I was trying my hardest to get the relationship back to the way it use to be. i had no idea that was never going to happen but ah knew. i despise him.
findingmeagain's picture
How did you meet him was he
How did you meet him was he married and you was the OW? Because what I see here from your story is 3 red flags. okay he bragged about 2 women come on now he is messing with 2 women so he is fooling around on both of them so how are either one "special".
Deidre40's picture
I can understand your
I can understand your feelings here with this. Chances are, and history tells us...that they really don't change. There are women on this site here, that tell of men in their lives who are in their 50's and 60's still acting like narcs! lol So...don't think it's something they outgrow. Or the light goes off and they say...oh, gee...time for me to make a change here. Normal, well adjusted people CAN AND DO screw up. But, normal well adjusted people learn and have remorse...and then they try to make amends. Or they try to change. Narcs and psychopaths. I think they honestly believe the world around them is wrong, and they are right. THEY CAN APPEAR however, to look changed. But, it's a lie. They do what they have to do to get ahead. To fool the next person. In lurking very briefly on the website we belonged to together, the narc is clearly trying to 'show' a new side. A kinder, more intellectual side. Why? Because he was banned. lol His obnoxious antics got him banned, so he now has to pretend to be someone else for a while. And that's what they do. They pretend. You may hear about him with other women...and if you were a fly on the wall, you'd see a very good show. And it might hurt you. But,'s all a show. Can they change? I'm sure if they admitted they had a problem, they could change. But, that's the key. They don't admit wrong doing. They think everyone else is the wrong one. Not them. So...instead of trying to correct behaviors. They abuse, and then move on to the next victim. In hopes that person will not point out their wrong doings. Not in hopes of change. Not in hopes of finding something lasting. But, in hopes that the next person is a little dumber than the prior one, and tolerates their shit. TRULY! I see them for what they are. {{hugs}} for you...I'd stop contact with him.
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
I think that it's still early and it takes time to really grasp this. Cognitive Dissonance plays out a lot in this situation. Keep reading, eventually it will sink in. Narcs don't deviate from the textbook... They are not the exception, and as victims, neither are we. BUT we will survive, and eventually it will "click" for you just be patient and kind with yourself. Hugs
Hunter's picture
Keep reading, there are
Keep reading, there are plenty of OW right here! It's a disorder, it's like cancer with no chemo. Hunter