Can you believe that I'm disappointed and hurt that my N hasn't contacted me?!

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#1 Aug 19 - 6PM
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Can you believe that I'm disappointed and hurt that my N hasn't contacted me?!

Even though I told him it was over, pointed out that he was an empty, fake, lying, cheating, worthless gigalo...I still expected him to text me. He has not contacted me and THAT is why I have been able to maintain NC for around ten days. Everything I read has said that the narc will hoover, contact me, etc.

Does this mean that I absolutely mean nothing to him OR that he is so angry from my insults?

I feel forgotten and unloved. But then, what can I expect from spending time with a PsychoNarc...

Sep 2 - 10PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

CaminoReal

You inflicted some serious Narc injuries on this jerk. Good job! That is a good way to get them to leave you alone. Beware if he does contact you because in his mind he has a serious score to settle with you. He will only want to see you suffer big time. DON'T give him the opportunity to do it. Stay NC and just work on yourself and healing.
Sep 2 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I'd want him to contact me...

So I could raise him on the pedestal simply for the sake of bringing him DOWN!!!! I'd sucker him in with the promise of romantic love, making it all nice&gushy, knowing the flattery would fill that VOID... Or I'd pen the "I'm suicidal and heartbroken without you"... All so *I* could say it was ALL A JOKE! He'd get the narcissistic supply... with some narcissistic injury lying under the service. Give him the red carpet... in order to pull it out! Or to quote the funny fanfiction writer Peter Chimera "It swa a trick!"
Sep 2 - 10PM (Reply to #39)
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Susan32

So did I! I read articles about how to get your narc back because I didn't like the way I was dumped...and it worked. I got him back again and again. But, ya know, since it was a game...he could have manipulated my moves all along... Would you try now to lure him back?
Sep 2 - 10PM (Reply to #40)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I've toyed with the idea...

He hasn't contacted me in 11 years. Unfortunately, he unleashed my inner prankster. And unknowingly slipped it energy drinks&caffeine. NEVER a good idea. After the final D&D, I think I was toying with him. He probably stays away for the sake of his mental health (fine with me, since he LIVES in his illusions) He'd think if I was luring him back, it would be like those teenagers in horror movies where you're saying, "DON'T GO IN THERE! IT'S A TRAP!" I wouldn't call the ex-Psych prof for validation, but to do a Lady GaGa imitation. Would you REALLY want to hear me imitating GaGa as she imitates Madonna in "Born this way"? Because I think that goes against the Geneva Conventions. On vacation, my sis heard my imitation of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." SLAY IT WITH MUSIC!
Sep 1 - 11PM
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture

Not worth it

Believe me when I say, you DO NOT want him to contact you or come back. I made that mistake once. After the 1st D&D I was contacted 6 months later. The new supply did not work out and the N was totally alone. Something she could not handle. It started with simple texts, happy Valentines Day, Hope you are well, etc. Then when my best friend died she swooped in for the kill. I was in a very vulnerable state. I had lost my dad, brother and friend within 5 months. I was in the best position for hoover. She was at my house after the funeral. She "wanted to be there for me", she made a mistake, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, I would be her priority, blah, blah. as I look back she never mentioned the word Love. I took her back. I lived through Hell so much worse than the 1st time. I was miserable and knew at any minute she would leave me again. After 18 months new supply had been secured and she was gone again. It only gets worse when you go back, never better. They do not change and you just have to start the healing process all over again. So not worth it.
Sep 1 - 3PM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

I have a similar story to

I have a similar story to yours I did what you did called him on his shit. I still expected mine to hoover, he never did...actually only once to say happy birthday in June and another time a few weeks ago to tell me his pet died. He has never asked me how I am or that he misses me. We broke up in May, so it has been 4 months with no hoover. I don't think that they always hoover. It hurts, even though you know in your heart that they are an asshole and you are better off. I don't think mine will ever hoover. We have similar circumstances so don't expect him too, they are very proud and weakness is ugly to them.
Aug 31 - 3PM
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm in the same boat....

But I read a comment on another site that put it SO well. If you're thinking to yourself: "Why hasn't my Narc contacted me?" and you're wishing that he would... that would be like wondering why your cancer hasn't metastasized yet. Really you don't want it... (And I'm still reminding myself too...) I only learned about NPD about three weeks ago. I'm finding it helpful to look back on some of the interactions we had, and realize what was really going on at the time. Such as the hugely upsetting off-hand comment he made that, at the time, I thought was just because he was tired or stressed or whatever... OH NO... it was directly aimed at my weakest points. ON PURPOSE. Looking back over all of it knowing what I know now, is helping to put things in perspective and to see the manipulation for what it was. To be honest, it kinda squicks me out... I'm not there, yet (I still want him to contact me too)... but I get a little closer every day.
Aug 31 - 3PM (Reply to #34)
How could I
How could I's picture

Mine did contact

Mind did contact me after 3 days and I must say I was thrilled. (sick, i know) I met him for lunch and found out the reason he didn't contact me for 3 days was that he was "hurt" ....not by what I had said to him (I can never trust you, tired of your lies, feel you have an OW, etc) but he was upset that when he tried to kiss me good-bye (after I told him all of this) I was a cold fish. I couldn't believe that after all the stuff I told him, that he tried to kiss me! Why do I still love this clown?
Aug 31 - 7PM (Reply to #35)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

The Circus is in Town!!!

Maybe we need the circus, it is so quiet when they are gone! You can almost hear the footsteps...then nothing, have they really gone for good after all the back and forth threats and innuendos??? We talk about the addictive quality of these relationships..it is like what will they say or do next??? Its comical and tragic, like a two faced clown at the circus! I even forgot what normal felt like, when things got quiet I felt empty, lonely, and like I would never be worthy of being loved! It really got in my head. I held onto the fantasy of the very thrilling beginning of the relationship, and really never let go of the illusion that those times were real, and would someday magically come back. They never did come back. I now know they weren't reality then, only manipulation and masking and projection. I admit to having been co-dependent, defining me by my relationship. I did my best to make myself happy while with her, and of course was berated for anything I did without her. I had given up on "us" ever being truly happy, but put on the happy face around others. I was living cog diss for years. I was stuck, emotionally arrested, abused, and then finally betrayed by my abuser. I stayed for the kid. I stayed cause I didnt want another divorce. I stayed cause I didnt know what else to do. I stayed because I hoped someday... The d and d was 18 months ago now. I moved out 14 months ago and filed. I now recognize that the quiet lonely empty feeling is actually serenity and calm and normal. A fairly non distracted life. The circus comes to town occassionally. A phone voicemail. An email with narc shit in it about how much she misses me, yak yak yak. A comment passed to me through the kid. It makes me sad, and sometimes pissed. I wish she would go away, but her changing is the same old magical thinking on my part. A narc is a narc. I wish you all well as you walk through these minefields of abuse, deception, lies and illusion. If you are or were in a relationship with a true narc it will always confound and confuse, because that is their nature. Lisa numbered her steps for a reason. Go t the first one and work it. Work it hard. We all have our own unique experiences out of working the steps, and that is fine. But they provide a framework for the recovery. And they sure look easier after you've passed through them than when you're new and cannot fathom how in the hell you can ever get this accomplished! Hang in there and post often...pretty soon you will smile softly and knowingly as you hear the familiar sounds of the circus coming...pleased that you dont respond to that kind of sick entertainment anymore. Real life is not a circus, life with a narc will never be anything but! ds
Aug 30 - 10PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

The sad reality is

The sad reality is though...even if he did come around. It wouldn't be because of you, as a person. It would be for supply that he's seeking...attention, adoration, etc. Or revenge. That's pretty much why they ''hoover.'' For revenge/settle the score (if u broke things off first) or for round two, to see how much more you'll tolerate, because they're out of supply. I broke up with mine, and he hoovered for revenge. It really isn't flattering when they hoover, because it's STILL ALL ABOUT THEM. :=(
Aug 30 - 8PM
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Still NC, but can't stop thinking about him

...And feeling forgotten. I am thinking through everything I am reading about Narcissistic/Antisocial behavior. I recall how horribly he treated me and tried to put me down constanrly. It is incredible how he does this since he doesn't have a college degree, a home, or ANYTHING. He puts down everyone! Especially successful individuals. I ALWAYS felt that there were other women, but I accidentally caught him once and he still denied it! I can't believe I still want him. I believe strongly that he caused me to be addicted (sexually) to him. And as I look over the articles on seduction techniques, etc. I am sure that he is skilled. He has made no attempt to contact me and although most of you will say that it is a good thing...I STILL want to hear from him... ...just venting...i won't do anything about it.
Aug 22 - 2PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

I know how bad this hurts

It's pretty much the same for me, and it sucks. I left and within a very short time she had new supply, and as far as I can tell the cycle is repeating itself and I probably will never hear from her again. I believe that if you are not discarded first by them, it is a huge narc injury on them so in those cases it does seem less likely for them to come back around. What everyone is saying though is true. When and if they do start hoovering it's always because they are low on supply. When I start to feeling bad because I haven't been hoovered I read this and it helps me. It may be written with more seriously disordered folks in mind, but I really believe it applies to N's in every way. It stings, but it helps. xx Rose http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/
Aug 21 - 3AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Camino Real...the truth is....

Even if he contacts you,is not Love remember that...Is him WANTING to stay in your head,to get a reaction from you...Good or Bad,your response is feeding his sadistic ego...Mine did it,many times...when i responded and thought that maybe he wanted to get things a bit normal between us,he would tell me i just read to much into it...He blocked me on Skype,he changed his cell number,he called me all names and more,he wants nothing to do with me,never,hesays if he was an animal he would bite me.....i went no contact and suddenly i got poems(recordings),emails saying he noticed i wasn't contacting anymore and he was wondering what is going on,he said he was sorry about the way he treted me,and all the insults and that he hopes that everything is going well for me...But i know,from experience,that i do not need to think he is changing or that he wants ME to be ok...is he trying to feel good again about his miserable empty life....he misses my adoration,my commitment to him...so believe me do not believe he is really gone...he will surface and he will only bring you more pain and anguish if you let me...i did mine and believe me is awonder i am still alive.They only get worse....Hughs

Aceonelady

Aug 20 - 7PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

It's NORMAL

This may not apply to you....but my very wise therapist addressed this with me recently. I was going through the same weird feelings of wondering why he hadn't started beating down my door yet. My therapist told me that my wanting him to pursue me again despite me KNOWING that it was the worst possible thing that could happen was due to my need to STILL be validated by him. I realized that the biggest reason I stayed in this relationship was because I was co-dependent. I needed his validation to feel good about myself. The lesson here...if, this in fact is what is going on with you, is that you have to find validation within yourself. When you love yourself, you won't need some assclown N to pursue you anymore. If you can find your own closure, you are SOOO much better off. HUGS!! JM
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #28)
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks JM!

Just that one comment: "wanting him to pursue me again despite me KNOWING that it was the worst possible thing that could happen was due to my need to STILL be validated by him." Somehow - I knew that was true - but seeing it there in black and white was just the "whack with a cluestick" that I needed. While I may still feel the need to be validated, I know that he'll NEVER be able to give me what I need. And its not about me, its about him. I need to find validation ELSEWHERE. (My N is a "friend" and colleague - not a romantic interest.) Expecting validation from an N is simply expecting too much - they're just not capable of it.
Aug 23 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

Juliamarie

I cant say thanks enough for what you wrote here - and thanks to the original person who brought up this subject. This is only my second week on the forum. I read and read as much here as I can, but this subject really hit home for me. THIS is where I am right now. The first time my Narc ended our relationship, I stopped all contact, but only as a method to get him to want me again. YEP...before I understood him to be a Narc, I read all of those cheesy articles on "How to get your Ex Back". They said that after 3-4 weeks of not hearing from you, he will miss you so much, that he will call/text. Sure enough 6 weeks later - he texted. First, the texts asked if I had forgotten him, if I was avoiding him...could I help him with some problems he was having at home. THEN, the loving "I miss you texts, want you, need you.." came along and I was hooked. I HONESTLY thought he missed me. Gave the man a second chance. We met (we live far apart), became intimate and when I went to the airport and he kissed me goodbye - it was the last time I had heard from him. That was almost 4 weeks ago. Feeling discarded and confused, I talked to a friend of mine who told me to look up narcissism. I did and everything from the honeymoon stage, to all of the stages and even the same phrases were identical. I was shocked. So...I have been NO Contact since that last kiss goodbye. And here I sit and wonder if he just got tired of me? Out looking for new supply? Last time, he contacted me after 6 weeks, but it was only to try to get attention again. (I remember him telling me how he craves attention, loves having a beautiful woman on his arm, loves when a woman boosts his ego). WHY isnt he calling now? Long recap - sorry. YOUR POST hits home. I wouldn't care if he ever pursued me again, called again, texted again if I didnt need that validation from him. THE minute I dont "NEED" him is when I finally love myself more. Unfortunately, that hasnt happened yet and I still "want" him to break the No Contact. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction!!
Aug 31 - 1AM (Reply to #27)
frozenrose
frozenrose's picture

What if I want revenge?

Thanks Juliamarie and everyone for their posts. This is also where I'm at. Before I knew about all of this, I had given him a second chance before. Then he treated me like crap, and in the midst of looking up how to help HIM online, I found all this information and realised the kind of person i'm dealing with. I picked the least aggressive thing to break up with him over (didn't want to create a big fight) and told him I was moving on because he wasn't willing to come and visit me (we live far away). He said I was being 'ridiculous', and that I was a 'bunny boiler' for deleting him from facebook and not talking to him anymore. History tells me that if, for example, he moves closer to me and it's suddenly easier for him to see me, he'll probably give me a call to kindly inform me that he can now come to the party with the visiting, so how about it sugar? I've been NC with him for only about a week, and i'm normally the one who caves in, so I expect he's waiting for me to do that. BUT, I WANT him to contact me. Some days this is because I miss having someone who would interact with me (even though it was mostly horrible) because like everyone, I think back to the honeymoon phase and think i just went crazy and imagined all the shit stuff he did. BUT part of me wants him to contact me and pretend like nothing happened, and offer to come and visit, just so I can tell him EXACTLY what I think of him/ignore his ass so he feels worse. I just want him to suffer at least half of what I did. Want him to realise i'm not stupid like he thought I was, and that I'm awake to his character now and if I could take it all back I would! Every.Single.Second.With.Him I would take back. Is this normal? lol
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
Hereforme
Hereforme's picture

Totally Stunned- a question please!

Great posts here everyone. I too did that over and over with the narc I ended two years ago. Back and forth. I finally got it. I am new here too. What are the "stages" ie honeymoon...etc that you mentioned? Is there a post or article you could refer me to that list them and explain them? Thanks! Let's all keep up the good work of validating ourselves!
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Here4me

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/ I like this site!
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
Hereforme
Hereforme's picture

Thanks Hunter!

Just read the whole thing! Fantastic clear explanation of who they are and what they put us through! I am learning lots and lots here and feeling more hope and understanding! Thank you!
Aug 23 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

We have lots of good stuff up

We have lots of good stuff up our sleeves !! Understanding is the key! My other favorite is Sam Vaknin! He will keep you very occupied! And Scoops love is Thomas Sheridan! :) Hunter
Aug 20 - 5PM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

He'll Be back

I agree with everyone else... Once he gets bored with the relationship with new supply, he will resurface. It will be when you least expect it. He will try and come back and pick up right where he left off, like nothing ever happened.. Hopefully, you will be strong and in a much better place by then.. Stay NC, It's the only way out of the fog... Believe me, mine has been hoovering for well over a month... I like the silence better, because with each hoover, It sets me spinning in my head... I like the peace and quiet so much better...
Aug 20 - 6PM (Reply to #20)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

I'm going to remember this

And I'll remember what everyone else says about being hoovered. I feel bad about being forgotten, but the peace is a better alternative!!! Thanks for the reminder. I needed it today.
Aug 20 - 2PM
megamillion
megamillion's picture

I'm embarrassed to say "me too"

I really commiserate on this feeling. Even though I KNOW I never truly want to deal with or hear from exN again, it still makes me feel like I was worth nothing. And I am still finding ways to deal with and answer the question "Why hasn't she called/text/e-mailed/gotten on a plane?" Mostly, however, I use the following reminder: N is ill, N cannot change, it is not my fault, I am not to blame. Then I remember she is extremely lazy anyway AND always takes the path of least resistance. I agree with all everyone has said and especially about how deeply these realizations hurt: they do not love us (we do mean nothing) because we are objects (disposable) and in order to LOVE, you must put something before yourself and be vulnerable. The most important thing in the world to N, is N. Period. No one can ever be before them. Then, in order to be vulnerable, N would probably have to make N-self open/accountable to insults or at least feedback. No chance. They CANNOT do it. I am so sorry you are hurting - I'm still learning, too - keep reading and keep NC. You can do it - you are strong and worth so much more! xxx Mega
Aug 20 - 12PM
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

I am both hurt and

I am both hurt and disappointed that my ex hasnt contacted me in almost 2 weeks. I have never insulted him, I dont think I am capable of it. Instead I profess how much I like him and I get the silent treatment. I can relate. I am spending so much time and energy trying to get over these feelings. I honestly dont think you will ever be forgotten and unloved. I do believe that even though (from all of my readings) the N can't love in a way that the rest of society does. I believe that we are looked at as prized possessions that will never leave them completely. My ex hurt me so bad 16 yrs ago. And then I get the apology 16yrs later. I dont think they ever forget!
Aug 23 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

dazedandconfused

I understand what you are saying. My Narc is doing the silent treatment, and I never insulted him either. Never said an un-kind word. Instead, I gave him praise, attention, etc. I cant understand it. I am not saying that the silent treatment is acceptable if I did something wrong either, but in mine/yours case - we really didnt do anything wrong? WHY THEN DO THEY DO THIS? How can a man tell you that he feels we are extremely compatible together and everything seems right when we are together, and then just drop you completely? Ugh!
Aug 23 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
megamillion
megamillion's picture

Same from me - nothing but

Same from me - nothing but praise and reassurance about her skills, beauty, accomplishments, blah blah (though at the time I meant it). In the span of one week, exN went from planning marriage and children to telling me she felt nothing for me, we weren't the right people for each other, and that we would never work out... all because I was "never happy" and my "expectations were too high." (Read as: She'd sourced new NS) At best it was irresponsible talk/promises; more likely, it was purposeful and cruel. It makes no sense and it never will. F***heads, indeed!
Aug 23 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

I would often tell him, "I am

I would often tell him, "I am your biggest fan". he would just kind of smirk....Honestly, I dont know what it is that I see in this f""" head:(
Aug 20 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

CaminoReal

IT MAY HURT YOU HE HASENT COME BACK....IT WOULD HURT YOU EVEN MORE IF HE DID......YOU ARE NOT UNLOVED OR UNWORTHY.....HE IS!!!!!!!
Aug 20 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

unfortunately both, you mean

unfortunately both, you mean nothing to him and he is angry from your insults. As hard as it is to accept, he is incapable of loving, not only you, anyone, not even himself. He is a crippled human being, imprisoned in his body and mind and needs to take hostages. He is angry at your insults, because how dare you see him in that way when he has worked so hard for your to view him differently. They have no faults, they are perfect. When you say something negative to them, they become so enraged at the drop of a hat. He moves it on down the road to find someone else, new supply who he can con into seeing him the way he wants the world to perceive him. Your insults proved to him that the mask is off, you no longer have what he needs from you. But, keep in mind, that if he fails at obtaining new supply, he will come back, with the thought of a slight chance of regaining your supply. Be ready for him. NC what so ever would be best for you. Concentrate on yourself and healing. Because that is all that matters. It's the only thing that is REAL about this whole experience.