Child custody mediation is a joke

i feel like I am forever trying to defend myself. we went to custody mediation. Stupid inexperienced mediator. She says - pretend like mother doesn't exist - exnh says I already do! She says act like you are a single parent. i can't even email receipts ( not that he is going to pay his half!). The only contact I have with him is email - because seeing and talking to him makes me sick and disgusted and ashamed that I ever thought i loved him.

We do all exchanges at the police station and mediator insists the whole frickin time how psycholgically damaging it is to the kids. I try to say it is for personal safety. She yells at me that we are NOT concerned with MY safety. this is about the kids! Tell me which is more damaging to the kids - being in a police station (which BTW my kids are not "stressed, scared or damaged" by in any way whatsoever!) or them watching their mother be verbally and emotionally abused (to say NOTHING of how THEY are treated when they are alone with exnh!).
I requested mediation to see if there was any way at all I could get him to follow ANY court orders at all (He is behind $thousands and is not involved in their lives barely at all, but is still fighting me - I want sole custody). Exnh ignores any emails regarding kids and doctors, school, daycare, etc. and then his equally narcissistic attorney states that I am making unilateral decisions! What the heck am I supposed to do? Wait for he** to freeze over before he responds???
He got what he wanted in mediation. Stupid stupid "mediator" tells us to have no contact whatsoever! I know that is great for NC, but how the heck am I supposed to co-or even parallel parent with no input? his "attorney" will come back and use it against me if I even try to make any decisions for the kids.
He sees these kids 2 nights a month!!!! How is he a parent?
i would love to write an email:
Dear asshole:
You can pretend I don't exist, but I am raising these kids virtually on my own. When they turn out to be awesome adult human beings, do NOT take ANY credit!!! YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!!!
Don't try to be proud of how they turn out because it will be in spite of you, NOT because of you!

i wasted 3 hours of my time, lost work hours and got nothing out of mediation. Further - I did report mediator to her supervisor. She compared my 11 year old to another child who killed himself because of his parents' conflicted relationship. So great, now my son is going to commit suicide because of me????
Oh! And it is because of my insistance that all exchanges be at the police station that my kids are so stressed that they are in counseling for over 3 years! If only i would agree with him then my kids would not need it! Does the fact that their sperm donor is a psycho mean nothing? Who hired this stupid woman?

So stinkin angry! (can you tell? :) )
I now NC is the best thing for me, but I am tired of everyone believing his "poor me, I am such a victim!" act. Why do people believe him???

Sorry for venting! i would love to be a fly on the wall when his new victim (wife # 3 and he is 42!) figures him out! Don't come crying to me after all you have done, bi***!!!

Sorry for venting. Anyone have any words of wisdom? He keeps telling me I need to get over him, he is in love and happier than he has ever been in his life - buddy, I have been so over you since 2005 (we divorced in 2008 and he begged me to stay and tried to hoover for a year after!)