Clap eyes story

Dear forum members,
I'd like to share my story with you, I want to heal and focus on myself from now on. Sorry for my mistakes, my mother tongue is German.

I bought Lisa's book a good while ago by coincidence, but only two days ago I finally found the strength in me to read it.
oh god, what can I say... it is so true. I have experienced so much of what is written there. I am still quite lost, I dont know how to connect with my true self, but I'm trying... I make musik, draw, talk to my closest friends about what had happened...they can't fully believe it, so I decided to write here. they dont understand why I still suffer so much.

There are many ppl here who write about abusive experiences frighteningly similar to mine.

I met "my" narc 4 years ago in Japan, we were both working as scientists. It ended 4 months ago in my home town Vienna, Austria. He discarded me for a 25 year old mexican PhD student.
I had no involvement with spanish-speaking ppl, so we had to talk in English. Made it easier and harder for him, I guess.

But lets start 4 years ago. I was married to a good man back then, whom I devorced for the narc. I have to admit that I wouldn't have left my ex-husband otherwise, it was a good stable marriage, gentle and respectful.
He used me from start. At first, we were "friends", I was still married, but he kissed me anyway and seduced me. I let it happen, nothing to excuse, my ex-husband was not very virile, I had been bored for years, blabla. I wanted excitement and I got it. I got what I deserved, too. I hurt my ex-husband very bad when I separated from him.

All I can say is that I wasnt myself. I was high on this new drug, I felt so alive, everything was so intense and so much fun with the narc, I really believed I'd found my soul mate.

I didnt, of course. From the beginning he needed my full support. He refused to learn Japanese so he could fully focus on his research, so I had to organize his life, make phone calls, take him to the doctor, translate letters, and and and...

He was cruel to me. I'm not very tall, so he often told me how small I am and how gorgeous his ex-gf was, oh god, he once asked me if I could get children at all, or if I was too small for giving birth.. no matter how slim I was, he always wanted me slimmer, like his ex the model girl..
he didnt like my hair, so I changed it to black because he likes that. my natural hair color is reddish brown.

right after we had sex for the first time he told me how awesome his ex's body was...I will never forget this...we were lying in bed side by side, and silent tears ran down my cheeks. why didnt I slap his face, spit in his face, and run run run...! I couldnt.

what he did like were my dark blue eyes, my support, my money, and my sexual obedience. I hated it, it was painful and humiliating, but I let him do it because I needed to be "intimate" with him, I was craving for it, waiting, will he touch me tonight? I was never allowed to be initiative, I tried in the beginning but failed badly. often he didnt have any interest, ignored me, so I put a looooot of effort into looking girlish-sexy-pure-seducive-innocent-young-lusty at the same time! waiting, always waiting...

I was healthy back then, and after two months I tried to break up with him. failed, of course. He cried and said he needed me, god, he didn't even care to hide this, and I just wanted to understand he loved me.

During these 4 years, I actually tried to break up with him a couple of times, but he always convinced me to stay with him. "but we love each other, dont throw this away, it is so special between us"
until he found a proper replacement for me. and then he discarded me without hesitation. he was having an affair with her for at least 6 months, he denies it but I just know. right after our breakup they officially became a couple.

I couldnt sleep, eat, thoughts wouldnt stop, I felt old, used, ugly...I still do, but I am recovering. but now he is hoovering, either ignoring me completely or shitstorming me. I blocked his number yesterday. NC since 9 days. Since breakup we had sex twice, pushed by him, and many texts and emails and a couple of meetings in person. I have to keep NC. it is the only way to heal, I understand it, but it is so hard.. I wrote him in these 4 months several times, it was me me me who seeked contact. me who went through hell. me who suffered, stuck in chaos...

after we had sex the first time I asked about his gf. and he said: I dont have guilt, just responsibility.
she is his student and working very hard for his research project.
this is what he needs now.

oh god, I dont know how to write everything at once.
I think I need a break and write more later.
thank you for reading so far!