CLOSURE & GRIEVING WHAT IS - Part 2

In the beginning were some really long days. Days that I rather not think about now. Days that I wanted to hide underneath the coffee table in a fetal position. Hold all calls.

The betrayal and the lies played obsessively in my head- an endless sound loop. He used me. He played me. And adding insult to injury, I was also his BEARD! He preyed on me at my darkest hour. I needed a friend. Instead, Life gave me this exploitative fraud.

So I began working it out. Read up on his pathology. Came to some better understanding of myself and my need to recreate my past. Grieved the loss of what I thought I had. The idealized lover- the mirage:

http://ool-18bbf3b2.static.optonline.net/forum/2012/03/25/closure-grievi...

I began to see who he really was:

Empty. Cruel.
Punishing. Self-hating. Self-righteous. Misogynistic.
Hypocritical. Lying. A predator. An emotional vampire.
A cad. An opportunist...

Yet, even with that new-found knowledge there were times that I still 'missed' him! What was wrong with me? His mask cracked, almost imperceptibly at first. When I peered into his empty soul (a chilling experience!), his mask shattered into a million shards. That forever changed things- it was like drinking the antidote to a sleeping potion. Sobriety and the clarity I had been praying for came- at long last!

Still though, as the months went by, a sadness would visit. There were still 'triggers' everywhere. I missed him- deeply at times- and that really bothered me!

It bothered me so much that I just had to dig past the feelings to the thoughts that create them. And that's what I wanted to share with you today.

(Let me say here that there's nothing wrong with the feeling and it's OK to simply have the emotions- 'miss' him- and then move on with your day...I just wanted to explore these feelings a little more).

That said, I can now tell you what I really miss (and DON'T say "DUH"!)... I miss ME!

After losing my job to the economy, my daughter to drugs and alcohol, and various (PD) family members in the wake of my child's addiction, well, need I say that my identity took a hit? When my roles were stripped I had a crises of identity. Then in waltzed Robo-Boy into my life!

Perhaps you were also in a vulnerable place when you met your Narc? They sure have a way of 'smelling' our weaknesses.

Yes, there are things I 'miss' about Mr. Narc- real AND/OR imagined- but mostly, I miss the carefree person I was before all the CRAP hit the fan in my life...

I also miss the person I was while I loved my Ex-Robo-Boy. I had (what I thought at the time) a light in my darkness- some sweetness in my soured life. I had some joy in the midst of all my pain and I felt sexy and beautiful again.

So I write this to remind myself (and YOU, TOO!) that we are the very same wonderful people that attracted our Disordered One to us (well maybe we ARE a little more wary and A LOT wiser after our dance with the Devil !)

I may 'miss' Mr. NarcoPath for a while yet. And that's something I'll just have to deal with. But at least now, it's also an opportunity to remind myself that I NO LONGER have to 'miss' ME...I'm right here. As unique, strong, beautiful, intelligent, desirable, funny, generous, spiritual and loving as I ever was. No one can take that away from me.

And that goes for you, too!

Thanks for being here with me on this strange journey!