codependent/enabler

I have been struggling big time over the last 2 weeks. I am still living on my own but I am struggling with alot of thoughts.

It has been a rough couple of weekends and I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday and had an emergency phone session yesterday.,

The bottom line is the divorce hearing is coming up and Narc is amping up his tactics.

The problem is I am an enabler and copdependent. I know this and feel pretty much trapped in the whole situation. My therapist told me once. "The thing is your are an eanbler and he is narc and that is the stuff horror movies are made of" I thought about it but not hard enough,

I have been researching the terms and it hit me hard. i know it stems from my childhood. (mother was alcholic) and that was touched on during one of our 4 marraige counciling appts last winter. The therapist after hearing about my mom told me "you probably have trouble stating your needs" etc. ZThat should have been the lightbulb moment.

I have ignored his calls but not all calls. I justify it in my mind that if I don;t answer it will intensify which it does. I can;t seem to click the switch and just do not answer sounds simple but for me it is a intense struggle of what ifs.

The Narc knows exactly which if my buttons to push and I allow it over and over again. until I can believe that I deserve better and put myself first I am getting nowhere fast. I don;t have the answers.

Yesterday my therapist told me that this behavior of his is to be expected, That I answer because I am coming from years of intmidation and control. He reminded me that I left an emotionally abusive marraige where I was not respected and that was my decision and all this fall out is a response by other perople about that decision and that ZI am putting in the work on me and Narc has to do his own work.

i am counting the days until Friday. I am not strong as I should be. The words that are said do hurt and I just want to be strong enough to be able to actually put myself first for once in my life and feel confident that that is ok.