Conflicting feelings

I feel horribly. I know my exN just came home from college and I find myself hoping for a hoover. He's a horrible person though and treated me very badly. I prey for strength to just move on and truly be happy again. I just don't see it happening... I mean it's ridiculous I want him to contact me. I should be happy he's not my problem anymore. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me, and he definitely lied to me and mistreated me beyond belief. I just need some support or kind words. I can't talk to anyone here (at home) because they think I'm being ridiculous by still longing for the evil son of a bitch. I think I am too.. I just can't stop myself from feeling like this :(