Contacted his new girlfriend. Cried after reading her reply, then laughed hard. Still puzzled.

It's a bit long, but I post the actual exchange instead of writing in my own words about what happened. It's more accurate this way.

It was stupid on my part to reach out to her in the hopes that she’d believe me and avoid making the same mistake I made. I was naïve.

I can totally relate to the “If you think you’re special” article posted on this forum. This is exactly how I felt when I was his "best friend" and later his lover. I thought his wife was a bitch who didn't understand him and I was that special woman who could help him "recover".

Now she is that "special woman". It’s unbelievable how he’s managed to convince her that he’s a nice guy and victim.

Judging by her reply, she’s in complete denial.

Another piece of evidence that he is a narcissist is the fact that he hooked up with this Filipino nurse who’s definitely not as worldly and educated as he considers himself to be. He actually told me that he could never date an Asian woman again. He also said we were a good match, because we are “of the same caliber” (educated, well-traveled, etc). This just proves that it doesn’t matter who the woman is, what she’s like, what she wants, as long as she’s willing to play the role designated to her.

Regarding the baby (BTW, I was one of the few "lucky" women who can get pregnant with an IUD) - I basically informed him and his parents via e-mail, after he cut me off, that I ended up not having an abortion, but didn’t say anything to him earlier because I’d already broken up with him and decided to stay with my husband. He never replied to that…

Here’s the exchange:

“Dear J,

I hope this message finds you well.

We've never met in person, but you probably remember that I reached out to you in back the spring via Linkedin to warn you about C. I'm taking a risk by writing to you, because you might have preconceived notions. I'm assuming that if C. ever mentioned me it was in a negative way. I can only hope you are open-minded and will read the entire message before forming any conclusions.

I have known C. for five years and was devastated when he suddenly cut me off around February. Since it happened suddenly and there was no closure, I had a lot of questions. While searching for answers that could explain his behavior I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I dug deeper reading six books on NPD, talking to three therapists, reaching out to C.'s former colleagues, his ex-girlfriend before me and his ex-wife. It turns out that C. is a full-blown narcissist of covert nature that's hard to recognize right away, especially if you're not familiar with this disorder.

I don't know what the current status of your relationship with C. is. I'm writing because I believe C. is a deceitful predator, although disarming on the surface, but nevertheless predator. When I was still friends with him on Facebook, I looked at your profile. You struck me as a friendly, optimistic and life and people-loving person. As a nurse, you must be compassionate too. In other words, a perfect target for a narcissist! Although most advise not to reach out to the next victim, I still decided to try and warn you by sharing what I know. I wish someone had warned me about NPD when I met C. back in grad school. It would have saved me a few years of anguish. If you're no longer in a relationship with C., you too might have some questions and might be wondering about things that don't add up. This information about NPD might help explain a lot.

In the aftermath of my relationship with C., I consider myself lucky that my husband hasn't given up on our marriage (after I almost left him for C.) and still loves me.

So, here are just a few things that I've discovered (among many many big and small lies):

1) C.'s ex-wife is not the person he portrayed her to be. He said she'd cheated on him with different men and used him just to get a green card. It turns out she's very stable and not someone who'd engage in this type of behavior. She's held a steady job, has been saving money, just bought a house and has her act together in all areas of life. C., on the other hand, has been very unstable over the years.

2) I witnessed how he worked on luring you in. Are you aware that he's been unemployed living in his mother's basement for the past year and before that held a fairly low level position (Producer, not a Sourcing Manager as his CV says) for about six months? Right before connecting with you on Linkedin he completely changed his profile, turning himself into "a consultant with experience in Asia Pacific, Africa and the Middle-East". He's never stepped foot in Africa and the only time he was in the Middle East was when he visited me and my husband in Jerusalem over a winter break. It's a lie about being a consultant.

3) We were best friends and C. confided in me. Knowing what I know, it would be impossible for any woman to have a serious long-term relationship with C.. C. is bisexual and has sex with random guys he finds online. He explained to me that he only engages in those acts when he's depressed and promised, when we were together, that he'd never do it again, because he had no reason to. However, now I believe that given his compulsive nature, he'll never change. Back when were only friends and he was visiting us in Jerusalem, he asked us to find a gay club for him where he could find a guy to sleep with. After a night of unsuccessful attempts, I ended up driving him to the whorehouse in Tel-Aviv. Being the fool that I am, I though I was helping a friend! After spending $300 at that place (his wife's money) he said he'd tell his wife that he took us to an expensive French restaurant to show his appreciation for our hospitality. Of course, I was willing to confirm that...

4) There are smaller lies that add up to his whole life being one big one. One such example is the Distinguished Honor Award he mentions on his CV and Linkedin profile. He said he received it for his exceptional contribution while working at the American Embassy in China. Well, one of my best friend's husband holds a high position in State Department. He told me that this particular award is given to ambassadors and no one of C.'s level could ever receive such a thing. He also checked the database and informed me that C. had a very junior (administrative) position there and not a managerial role as he says.

Finally, I wanted to share this link with you, so you know where I'm coming from. This is my post on the NPD recovery forum. I posted part of my actual e-mail communication with C. to show the other members a narcissist in action. I hope it didn't get to that point with you, but this example really demonstrates the mind games they play, especially when you feel something is off and start questioning them. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/07/30/he-asked-me-share-my-feelings...

As a final note, I want to assure you that I'm a normal person and haven't gone off the deep end. This is pretty heavy stuff and I was shocked myself by what I discovered. I went into complete denial for a while, but really forced myself to look at the facts and face the truth about this person.

You can totally get back to me if you feel like it.”

She replied:

“Hello N.
I've received your LinkedIn In-mail message about C.. I am Joan, his current girlfriend. Thank you for the message.

Here are some questions that I have to ask you.

How come you withdrawn most of the messages that you sent me?
How come you are so mad at C.?
How come you left your husband to be with C.?
You got pregnant with C. right?
Are you still friends with L.? If so, do you two still communicate? Do you have her number so I could reach her?

Is it true though that L. cheated on him?

Is it possible that we can do a test to find out that your baby is C.'s baby?

I will possibly consider talking to you later more if you will be able to answer each and all of these questions. Form what he told me, yes, you are crazy and you just wanted to win him back. I want to hear your side Nadia. Thank you. Our conversation is confidential. He won't know about this. Thank you.”

Then I replied:

“Dear J.,

Please see my responses below:

How come you withdrawn most of the messages that you sent me?

Right after sending the messages via LinkedIn, I decided it was premature to do so. I withdrew them and sent a message to C. to give him a heads up. At that point I was still hoping he would communicate with me regarding the pregnancy and to gain closure on the relationship. He never did.

In addition, I thought you wouldn’t believe anything I said being in the early, “honeymoon”, stages of your relationship with C. I realized that he might have already said things to counteract anything I’d say. I certainly believed him when he informed me that there was this “crazy” Amy at work that was stalking him and practically “forced” him to have sex with her.

How come you are so mad at C.?

For the reasons I stated in my message to you and it’s also in the link that I included.

How come you left your husband to be with C.?

I never left my husband for C.. I was in a relationship with C. and contemplating leaving my husband. However, C.'s behavior and his underlying instability made me break off the romantic relationship with him (I have the text message and e-mail I sent to him breaking it off).I was hoping we could maintain a friendship based on our history together, but that required closure on the intimate relationship.We agreed to exchange letters divulging all our feelings and issues. I sent mine, but he never sent his.

You got pregnant with C. right?
Is it possible that we can do a test to find out that your baby is C.'s baby?

I feel these are issues that are between C. and me. It is unbelievable that he still has not reached out to me.

Are you still friends with L. (his ex-wife)? If so, do you two still communicate? Do you have her number so I could reach her? Is it true though that L. cheated on him?

I am not friends with L. I am sure L. never liked me since C. was attracted to me. C. claimed that L. was cheating on him.

If you feel it would help to talk more, please feel free. I also encourage you to read about narcissistic personality disorder. There are several variations. If you were to read only one book on NPD, I’d really recommend ‘Narcissistic Lovers’. My jaw dropped when I started reading it, as it made total sense of C.’s behavior over the years. The idealization-devaluation-discarding cycle is mind-blowing. C.’s “nice side” and passive aggressive approach to relationships is very disarming and makes it so difficult to understand what is really going on. You will know things are not “right”, but you will be lead to believe that it is your fault. I am not interested in “winning him back”.

J., it would be natural for you to trust C. more than me. I urge you to trust your own intuition and judge him by his actions rather than words. Here are some of his words: “I want to have a family with you”, “Please tell me you want my children”, “I will love your daughter like my own”, “You are an amazing mother and I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, “Now I know what real love is”, “I’ve never felt this way before”, "Believe me, this is not infatuation, because I've known you for so long" and the list goes on.

If at some point you’re interested in learning more, I’d be willing to provide some evidence to most of what I said.”

I’m still not sure what to make of her reply. Is she saying it’s OK to use your best friend if you are on the rebound? Also, he conveniently “forgot” to mention that he divorced his ex-wife in 2008 and we started dating in 2010!”

Here it is:

“Hello N.,

Thank you for your response.

You know that C. was in a very bad situation when he found out that Ling cheated on him. He was in therapy and very very depressed about his marriage. Right there, he was in deed troubled at that time. So why did you expect him to fall in-love with you and be with you seriously if you knew he was very troubled? If I were in his situation and depressed, I think I would be very troubled too. And plus, Ling cheated on him even before marriage. Don't you think that his relationship with you might just be a "revenge" back to Ling or some kind of rebellious act? So, I think, It's OK what he felt before.

From what I believe, I man like C. would not want to be serious with a woman like you who has kids and married especially that he just got out of a marriage. That's very plain logical right? Unless you are very very rich then he could have a motive to be with you.

You didn't not answer my question about if you could do a test to find out if that baby is C.'s. Mark my word, C. will not ever ever contact you again even if you cry with blood for him... I am too nice to even talk to you but prove to me that you have C.'s baby by gene test.

I am not dismissing you because you are not my enemy. If you have nothing to prove then our conversation will be over.

Thanks for replying N.

I looked up narcissistic behavior as you told me so, he does not possess that trait N.

So, I said:

"Dear J.

Thank you for your reply.

Good luck with this relationship.

Best,

N."