The continuing shock

I can so relate to your post. Actually, reading it providing comfort to me because your words expressed so much of what I am feeling. I have been NC for about 4 weeks and I was with the Narc for about 5 years, with the same promises of love and forever. I broke NC because he hovered me once again like mad over the holidays. Then after giving in and several dates, he suddenly went distant. When I questioned him he said everything was fine, then when I said I wanted to talk, he D&d'd again. It's like they are a water faucet, they turn it on and off. You are right, it is a continuing shock. This March it will be a year that I have been on this forum. I am doing better for sure and moving on, but, like you, it still remains a mind and heart f*&k. Just last night, in the middle of the night I woke up hurt and angry with cog dis and the whole nine yards wondering when will it go away and turn off in my head. It almost feels like they are cardiologists in that they know the EXACT place in your heart to pierce the knife, exactly where to put the hook and exactly where to rip it. It's almost like a perfect bulls eye. The last time I saw my Narc was 4 weeks ago.... he invited me to go to church with him and pray. He said he wanted me to feel safe, he said he knew exactly what it would take to make me feel good. Then.... he slammed the door on me when I asked him if we could talk. Yes, he knew exactly where to cut with the knife......

He calls and it's for one question or two minutes, and then he says I'll call back, but he never does. There was never any formal this is over with, I thought I liked you or loved you, but I don't...there's nothing. Just sort of ignoring me like I don't exist. If I say did I do something to you, I haven't hear from you in days, he says no, everything is fine. Well, it's not fine with me!! You made a pretty tight bond with me, and I AM STILL ALIVE!

It is such a shame you have to continue seeing him. That must be awful. I would hate it enough to consider moving, but I know that is easier said than done. I am glad you wrote that you are moving on and are actually ok now though. The shock will lose it's effect eventually I think. Kind of like hearing about horrible world events. Sad to say, but we do become desensitized the more we hear about. Hopefully the more we learn about narcs the less we'll care or be shocked and be able to accept they exist in the world and feel happy for the simple fact we are not in love with one of them anymore. Journey on...

I know how you feel. Its not easy to cope with that, and honestly I dont know if I will ever get really over that completely. Maybe this will always be a scar in our soul. Mine did as if all my pain and suffer was inappropriate, cause there never has been anything between us at all. How is that. Hugs.

I am right there with you, for me 15 years off and on, 2 years out and finally the shock is subsiding, thanks to a lot of time and water under the bridge, I honestly do not know if I could handle seeing him as much as you see your EXN, too bad he cannot move away, that would make it a lot easier i think, as mine did. it is just the shock that someone like this could be walking around amongst us and there are a lot of them, and act like humans, to me it all reminds me of an alien movie, where they come in and take us over and then pretend to be human, no offense to the aliens, but they they would probably treat us nicer than these subhumans!i do nt know if you read my post from last week, i think the EXN made up his own profile on one of the free websites I am on and sent me a notice,like he was interested, i emailed him back and said are you so and so and never heard back, the post had his name on it and it is not a common name, it was kinda funny and sad at the same time, they are such cowards and as neverlookback said, they do KNOW what they are doing........

but every time I think of it, I try to remind myself that being involved with him was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Nothing worse can happen to me now. I wasted six years. Six precious years running on the hamster wheel chasing the illusion. Yuck. For me, the shock is easier to take knowing that he will continue to do the same thing over and over and over and over and knowing he will NEVER HAVE ME AGAIN. Knowing and beginning to realize that it is HIS GREAT LOSS, not mine. I will get over this and get better. I will be as good as, if not better than I was when I met the disordered one and allowed him to slowly dismantle my life. He will ALWAYS be running, roaming like a hungry ghost. When I think of these things, it's not so shocking. I believe I'm beginning to understand the beast, so to speak. And I want no part of it. Here's something I tell myself. A quote from Victor Frankel: "That which is to give light must endure burning." I will endure this burning to spread the light. That's what interests me now. Hang in, HD, and thanks for sharing. It also gives me a chance to "get it out" about the shock. Sincerely (committed to stopping) spinning

My friend who left her sociopath about 2.5 months ago finally escaped, he professed his undying love also to her telling her I will die without you, and cant live without you, a few minutes later she found out on the keylogger on his pc that he was making arrangements to be with someone -- mmmm looks like he was living without her just fine eh? Believe NOTHING they say, its ALL LIES, just an act. Its like a lifetime movie I watched one night his wife called him and he said I will be home a little late, I LOVE YOU BABY, 5 minutes later he walks in a hotel room and kills a woman, (that was a true story) Craiglist murders - UNBELIEVABLE,

I know helldweller. He has done the same thing to me. He didn't even do this round one. Even when we weren't together we still talked. This time nada. I'm dead to him. He came back 15 years later to do this shit to me? Really? Honestly I am thankful because if he hadn't I would still be tangled up with him. I know it and so would you Helldweller. So this may have been the nicest thing he ever did for you. So really the joke is on him

Hey just read what my counselor said about them in my post, read it and believe it. Any human that can simply ignore you as if he never even knew you is very very very disturbed, NOW doesnt it really confirm in your mind none of what he ever said to you, or gave you or the moments you shared were real?