could it be true?

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#1 Nov 11 - 9AM
gettinbetter
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could it be true?

I feel like I'm returning to normal. Almost like I've been given a round of antibiotics. Can that happen after only few days after blocking hin he wasn't speaking to me anyway. Is this a false alarm and I'm gonna face the darkness again. Its just that it seems to good to be true and we all know about that.

Nov 12 - 9AM
gettinbetter
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Well it was to good to be

Well it was to good to be true as I cried a little last nite and I woke up a feeling a little anxiety but I don't feel like I have the flu so that's good. I'm not going to hell with him. Its not my job to save his soul. It is however my job to save my own. He's sick. He's terminal and I can't help him. Actually he's already dead My child who is full of interesting facts at age 6 said mom did you know a cock roach can live 3 weeks without its head. I thought same principle with the narc. He has been living years without a heart.
Nov 11 - 4PM
ewa
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I suppose no. This feeling

I suppose no. This feeling is temporary. But the good news it that with time this "up" moment you have now will last longer and longer!
Nov 11 - 4PM
Briseis
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I think it's true

You really meant this, you are really done and your heart and soul are feeling liberated. Still, there will be ups and downs. Just remember the "downs" are not as bad as the state you've lived in over the last year. It's sort of like when you get your balance after being OFF balance, you do a lot of swaying back and forth for a while til you come back to center :)
Nov 11 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
gettinbetter
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I had a little moment this

I had a little moment this afternoon but it has passed. I am still feeling healthier and the sick feeling behind my eyes is not there. It seems that its really bad when I think back to my time with him round one just a college girl. Bottom Line: He's a piece of shit who never deserved me. He seduced me and my parents with his words. seven years of conscious emotional abuse but 20 years of subconscious emotional abuse lying dormant deep inside my mind.I just wish I would have dealt with all the stuff that happened back then. I dont think I would be here in the situation today but I really didnt know what to deal with I thought it was all my fault. I know all of this has been in regard to my wanting to resolove that pain from twenty years ago. To validate it or may be not validate it.
Nov 11 - 1PM
Nothanx
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Ups and Downs

I remember feeling really strong right after I went no contact. Felt that way for a long time (8 mos n/c), but then I got weak. I started missing him and wished he would contact me again. Well...wouldn't you know he got my vibe from across town and he jumped on it! He tries to contact me every couple of months so it really was no big surprise when I got his email. Instead of ignoring him like I have done in the last 8mos, I sent a reply :-( The anxiety is back and I am lying to everyone about the time I spend with him. I wish I would never have replied because of course the relationship is doomed and hopeless so all I am doing is setting myself up for pain. If I stop talking to him now he will start stalking me again and I will have to go through the whole deprogramming again. It is hard right now because he is on his best behavior and is willing to do whatever I say. Example: I only see him when my kids are gone or none of my family is around and he is fine with that. We don't go anywhere public together and he can't call me (only text and I call him back when no one is around). The whole thing is so stupid and twisted. What the eff is wrong with me?
Nov 11 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
NancyM
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Nothanx

What is wrong with you? Nothing. What you are doing here is still searching for something. Something that only you can figure out what it is you need. For the most part it is usually some sort of validation from him, which you are never going to get. But, your proximity to him, will not allow you to see things with clarity because Ns are that good at what they do. Even when you start to re-empower yourself, a Narc still will work on tearing down your defenses, even more so because they know they are losing or have lost you. I had a recent dealing with xN, and watched it all from a rather clinical perspective, but one of the things I watched this time was how his body language betrayed his lies. Here is one example. One day when I actually saw him, he went through the big act of "I know how much I hurt you, I will change, I never want to hurt you like that again..." blah blah blah. The act was rather exceptional, tears, sadness the works, enough to make your heart melt under normal conditions. BUT....looking into his eyes, I mean REALLY looking into his eyes and watching his pupils...OMG. In a normal declaration of love,understanding,concern and empathy, a persons pupils will expand. The opening of the pupils is like the opening of the heart. Well in this situation, his pupils seemed to disappear into his eyes. They were like pinpricks, and it was so unnerving to look at that I had to look away. Of course he responded with the, "can't you see my tears, but you won't believe me"......um correctomondo. Being able to read another persons eyes (as they are the window to the soul) is instinctual, and we often do not realize what we are seeing or what is making us uncomfortable. The same goes for body language. And oh boy, once you begin to understand the nuances of body language, a Narc gives himself away EVERY time he lies. In saying this, I am not saying that a Narcs eyes can't expand, they can, but only when they are receiving validation that they are the greatest. Anyway, I think this is what tears us in half, trying to figure out what we are seeing, as to what is really there. This is why instinct and gut feeling are so important. Our minds and bodies are already programmed to recognize BS, but we have a bad habit of ignoring it. So while we think that it is their eyes we have to open, it is really our own that we need to start trusting in. So no matter how much you want to believe in him at this point, your own instinct will not allow you to, which will leave your condition in the perpetual flight or fight mode. While in this state he can continue to wear you down because you will always be in a state of confusion. The longer you allow it to continue, the worse it will become for you. There was a quote I came across at one point, but have not been able to find who wrote it. "Once something becomes known, it can never become unknown. You can ignore it, hide from it, try to bury it, deny it, lie about it, run from it, but you can never unknow it. " You need to open your own eyes, trust in what YOU see, and stop trying to open his. That is his business, not yours. The only person you can save is yourself, and the only person worth saving here IS you.

Nevergoback

Nov 11 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Nothanx
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Nancy

Wow! Thank you so much for your insight! I love what you said about unknowing something once you know it. I am definitely looking at him more critically. I know he is a great performer, but the hard part for me is that he is such a sad little boy also. He is the most alone person I have ever known. He tries really hard to make connections with people, but things don't click. He buys people stuff all the time in order to get their approval, he is always the first to volunteer to help someone move, he is constantly cooking things to take to work for everyone to have lunch etc... I know logically that it is not my problem, and that if given the chance he would bite me but his sadness gets to me. He is such a strange mixture of evil/strange and kind/generous. Even as bad as he has been to me I still feel really sorry for him as I know if I leave him he has NO ONE. I know it is inevitable that I eliminate him from my life, but for some reason it was easier when he was bad....now that he is good I feel like the bad one. See what I mean...Twisted. And I have noticed strange stuff with his and body language! I have noticed that Narcs have a certain walk...Very confident/condescending. I know it when I see it now and it bothers me. Thanks again for your input.
Nov 11 - 9AM
blueeyes
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Waves honey

This goes back to what we discussed a little bit yesterday, the fluctuation: Flucuation: A Variation, especially back and forth between successive values in a series of observations. Variation of data points about a smooth curve passing among them. I find myself angry (yesterday) to complete despair (today).
Nov 11 - 9AM
desprathousewife
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Hi Sick of it

My experience has been highs and lows, my first high was realising what he is, then I hit a big low and became extrememly paranoid. It's 14 weeks NC for me tomorrow and the past couple of days the paranoia has returned, I have to say it's a lot milder this time around :) I've also been through a period of missing him very much, that should have happenend in the begininng, but with everything else I had to deal with it got put on a backburner. Who knows, it would be great to think that this will be too good to be true for you, I doubt it though. I grab on and milk the highs each time I have them and each time I hit a low they seem a little easier to deal with and don't last as long. I commend you for blocking him, you have taken his power away and now you can slowly take back your life and move on to a much better future :) Well done you x
Nov 11 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
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thank you

I have also been ravenously hungry. I'm eating everything that isn't nailed down. I swear this time round 2 with the narc has brought so many strange experiences with my mind and body that I never experienced during round one so bizarre
Nov 11 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
desprathousewife
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LOL

I was the complete opposite, couldnt eat a thing, lost a stone in a coupla weeks and there wasn't much of me to begin with. Just keep this eating in check, you don't want to have to pay a fortune to have all your doorways widenend! ;)
Nov 11 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
gettinbetter
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hahahah:)

I know right. I haven't enjoyed food in months but since I've been feeling a little better everything tastes super fabulous. I guess this means I'm gonna have to crank out more than 12 push ups lol!
Nov 11 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
blueeyes
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I can't eat

I have not eatena meal in months. I am horrible to look at anymore, I feel sick.
Nov 11 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
MsVulcan500
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Blueeyes,

Is there something you really enjoy eating that the narc hated? That might be a place to start. It will make you feel a little rebellious while getting some calories and nourishment into your body. It will also give you some comfort going back to a food that you kind of gave up while with him. Just a thought. When I got divorced I had a friend who would call me and ask what I had eaten that day. If I told her nothing, she would listen while I ran the blender to make a smoothie so I would get some good stuff in my body. Try to eat, and try to make it something relatively healthy so you are getting the most nutritional bang for your buck. Choking down half of a baked potato is better than choking down an order of french fries.
Nov 11 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
desprathousewife
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MsVulcan

That's what I've done in a nutshell. My ex HATED lamb and its my favorite meat, being originally from Wales n all. Welsh lamb is bootiful :) It's now my staple diet, lamb chops, stew, lamb curry, hope I don't get an ulcer oooops ;) baaaaaa A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Sorry, I couldn't resist :)
Nov 11 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
desprathousewife
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Blueeyes, it's so hard to

Blueeyes, it's so hard to eat when you are in such pain I know. I focused on my children and had to FORCE food down my throat at times. My appetite is a lot better now but I haven't regained any weight. Just try and eat as much as you can, especially on your good days.