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  5. The crumbs of his love! Are you actually done?

The crumbs of his love! Are you actually done?

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#1 Dec 15 - 1PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

The crumbs of his love! Are you actually done?

Those crumbs of kindness! The moments of calm and order! The memories of the days when we thought we had everything we wanted??
Like my child's birth, my precious bundle of joy!
One evening as he came to support me and rock our restless fitful son to sleep!
I thought God had blessed me with a wonderful family, a husband, a child, a safe home!!!
I can still remember the tears of joy and how wonderful I felt!
Over the years I tried to find that feeling again! We probably all did!
I questioned what I did wrong to make him so angry with me!
Now I don't ask any further questions!
The crumbs of humility, the specs of his giving, off his sometimes good manners, of the sometimes polite not-dangerous conversation! Of the sometimes not so one sided listening!!!
I can see these crumbs of his compassion are worthless in the light of the huge pile of misery and agro I have been given without abatement!
But wow, we can really yearn those crumbs and really miss them!
So few and far between and sometimes seemingly so genuine and positive only to be dashed again, never to last, promises broken, agreements unagreed, lost in a moments aggression or derivative words! Lost in a snarly glance or a barefaced lie or a cold shoulder!!
I've stepped up minimal contact!
I've started really listening 2 u all!
My narc husband can never change!
If I want to die in toxicity then I should change nothing!
I asked him to stay out of my home!
To stay out of my life where possible!
And to give me back my keys!
I have had to give up some hobbies to get anything near to no contact!
But my martial arts wouldn't be worth anything if I'm too unwell from toxic mind fuks to actually train!
No contact or minimal contact starts now!
He was pissed that I asked him to leave after he bought our son back and I was scared but I no longer care about his threats! I will let the solicitor deal with it now!
I'm done!
I once said "let him know your done by actually being done"
Well I'm done!
I'm actually done!

Dec 16 - 6AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

thanks Briseis

Yes, I took your words very seriously. I was kidding myself and I saw that I was being enitirly foolish, still playing along. It was the last straw when he blatanly lied to me. He denied the very words he had said to me the very day before. He sounded to earnest, the lie just rolled off his tounge like it was Gods gospel. I couldnt take it anymore. After that.. I stopped beign scared in quite the same way. The allusions fell away. Using the house and money to control me. Its all powere that he really doesnt have. My solicitor I pray will help me to prove that. He insisted we needed to be friends. He wanted it to that he could just come and go in the family home after we divorce, posing as a friend.. Ha ha. Divorce is divorce and its over. and thats that! I am movign on and getting my hope and light back. Thanks Bresies, what you said always made so much sense. X
Dec 15 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Settling for crumbs...

It's really destructive. Even when it's in a teacher/student relationship rather than a spousal or one of lovers. It's crushing after awhile. With a toddler, one can understand why they can't reciprocate. But when you're dealing with an ADULT, it's a whole other deal. I was looking through some old papers, and I saw that I published an article in my college newspaper my junior year. The ex-Psych professor was less than excited about it (it was a review of a performance of "Twelfth Night") Besides, he had discouraged me from journalism my freshman year. Aren't teachers supposed to nourish and encourage young minds? He'd always dwell on everything be meaningless and futile. I'd give him one of my essays, and all he'd get worked up over was the formatting, not the ideas at hand. He once begged me to NOT write about religion... that did NOT happen (I've been published on that subject for the past 7 years)
Dec 16 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Wow, anal nerding over

Wow, anal nerding over formatting! I am an a academic! My ex narc was like that though he was polite about my work and did encourage me! Not like narc husband! (didn't stop him choosing trophy skinny trophy wife in the end) but seriously that's typical isn't it? Obsessing olver the minor details just to can the heart of the work! He couldn't bare you to write about religion because he knew that you have soul and heart! He knew your work and your thinking was good! He couldn't bare to see you succeed! He wanted to tear it down and never see you see you shine with the value and prestige heck ew you deserved! True narc behaviour! I'm glad he never succeeded! I bet there are lots of them out there who stop there partners from standing the light they deserve! Welldone Susan! X
Dec 15 - 3PM
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Quing yuan

I loved reading your post. None of us need to settle for crumbs, a whole slice would be nice but I'm gonna be greedy next time around and go for the whole loaf, once I've properly sorted out my own loaf out that is :) I wish you all the best in your minimal contact, may it bring you peace and a new beginning x
Dec 15 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You go girl!!

You are getting there :) I hear lots of hope and courage and strength in your words!! Crumbs is right. You are worthy of real love, not crumb love. And your precious bundle of joy too :)
Dec 15 - 1PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Good for you!

I know it's very hard to stand up for ourselves and you did that! You told him to leave and you are done! Believe in that and yourself. I know I'm struggling too but what you wrote about crumbs is so very true. I don't want to settle for those crumbs any longer. Even if it means not meeting another man than so be it. I cannot stand the pain and questions and suspicions any longer. I don't want to always wonder what he is doing and where is is and with whom. They are so unhealthy and you are on the right track to happiness for you and your son! Big Hugs to you!
Dec 16 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I guess its heard beciase we

I guess its heard beciase we still fear them. Fear is anotehr illusion. AS soon as we strip the fear way then we can stand up to them. They are babies, stumnted men with infants demanding nature. We cant reason with them. The best form of communication is none. I have yet to learn this but I am well on the way. Good luck happy... Change is coming for all of us!