Daddy Issues

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#1 Oct 6 - 10AM
la.luna
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Daddy Issues

I just joined this site, and started the book. I feel like I will never break free of this addiction to narcs because my daddy is one. I love him fiercely even though he has never had the capacity to love me back. My relationship with my daddy has been nothing more than smoke and mirrors. It's one thing in public. You would think he was Heathcliff Huxtable from the Cosby Show. But behind closed doors he has no idea how to interact with his children. He's come to blows with my brothers because he can't control them anymore now that they're young adults.
I was doomed from the beginning because in the process of trying to win my daddy's love (which I will never truly have because he's incapable) I've realized that I have been drawn to men just like him...emotionally distant, hot and cold, manipulative, fear and guilt mongering, emotionally and psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. It's pretty twisted, but it's all I've ever known. To me, it's normal.
I remember I got so angry with my narc boyfriend because he mocked me when I was upset. But my dad does the same thing. After I have an emotional moment, he'll bring it up later and joke about it, mock my tears and do impressions of me. I'm so angry with my mother because she stayed. I'm angry at my father for being a robot. I'm angry at my nana and poppop for turning my father into a robot. I'm angry at myself for continuing this cycle. I'm just angry in general. I'm also scared that I'm going to be like him. Icapable of loving and being loved. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be "spanked" for speaking my mind or not being perfectly compliant as a child. I didn't ask to be a souless, spineless weakling who sways wherever the wind blows because she's scared of the consequences if she actually takes a stand on something. I have no respect for myself and I'm tired of living like this. I have no idea who I even am outside of my father and my string of narc boyfriends. I have no voice; I have no pulse. I'm not even really living and I've wasted a quarter of a century being someone I'm not. I have no clue who I really am.

Oct 7 - 10AM
Hunter
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Help is out there get it and

Help is out there get it and use it! How excieting a blank canvas , create a masterpiece!! Hunter
Oct 7 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
la.luna
la.luna's picture

I love it that you won't let

I love it that you won't let me wallow and be the victim, Hunter. You are the kick in the butt I need :).
Oct 7 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You have you only used up one

You have you only used up one quarter of your life!! You have at least three left so make it good don't stop you havnt even hit half time, there is plenty of time to catch up!! Hunter
Oct 7 - 10AM
la.luna
la.luna's picture

Thank you all. People keep

Thank you all. People keep telling me that I have my whole life ahead of me, but the time just seems so short. I'm going theough the quarter-life crisis, grappling with all the "why am I here?" questions. Couple that with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, my family history, depression, and a string of emotionally abusive rel with Narcs and you get a perfect storm of "How the hell am I supposed to get through this?!" I have to start from scratch now. Everything I've ever said, thought or believed about myself is gone when I remove my dad or boyfriends out of the equation. I've literally lived to please them working towards that hit of acceptance and admiration that I never knew when it was coming. Coming to grips with the fact that I never will...I just don't know what to do now. The blank canvass I have in front of me scares the crap out of me. It's all me now and I have to put up or shut up and I'm paralized. They defined me for so long....what defines me now? It feels like I'm giving up on my dad and my boyfriend and it's all just too much.
Oct 6 - 11PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Welcome LaLuna

You have your whole life ahead of you!! I'm in my mid forties and certainly haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress! Give yourself some credit. Coming here is a step in the right direction! You have the ability to be self introspective and you can make your voice heard! I happened to stumble upon something today I think might benefit you. It explains alot of family of origin issues, which you seem to be grappling with. I hope it helps in some small way. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much/news/page-2 hugs, Rose
Oct 6 - 8PM
itsallgood
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La.Luna , you are so ahead of

La.Luna , you are so ahead of the curve to know what you know at 25. I am 40 and feel exactly the same way about my parents as you do. I spent my entire adult life seeing psychologists trying to figure out how and why I was different. I was with my narc for 3 years, we lived together with his children and it wasn't until our wedding invitations were in the mail that he showed his true colors. Of course I denied he was a narc and suffered for another year. I was thrown out of our home and soon received a letter from who I believed was my bipolar father ranting about what I disappointment I was ( when I am actually very successful and paying his bills) and how he was sorry he ever gave me life. I actually laughed at the letter because it was my answer. It was the answer to my failed engagement. I was engaged to my father's equivalent. It was not until my father recently died that I understood my father was a narc, not bipolar. I was standing by his side for about an hour after he passed away and I commented out loud to my self-centered mother, " Wow, I have not spent this much time with dad cumulatively for the last 20 years. I feel safe because he can't yell at me and make me feel bad about myself". It was at that very moment that everything fit together and I comprehended he was a narcissist. I was set free...finally!!! It is now 6 months after my father's death and 2 years that I am narc free. I continue to do a lot of work on my self, my medical career and business are soaring, and I am in the early stages of a slow to develop but healthy relationship. my work will never be done. We all will always continue to evolve. But I sure feel lucky to know what I know now, and you should feel luckier that you know it at 25.
Oct 6 - 7PM
Susan32
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Father Figure

It seems like a common motif here is that women were with male Narcs old enough to be their fathers. I was 18 when I met the ex-Psych (as in psychopath) prof in college and he was 32... at the final D&D, I was 22, he was 36, and his 31 year old girlfriend replaced me (tho Narcs normally go for younger partners) The ex-P would compare himself and I to Leo&Sofia Tolstoy... Sofia was 18 when she married the 34 year old Leo. The ex-P liked acting as a father figure. He saw my devotion to my father, and it was his hook, because he was devoted to his (and still is) The ex-P was Daddy enmeshed rather than Mommy enmeshed. He hadn't developed a separate identity... he once said that he was a professor because his father is a professor. As for my relationship with my father... my father would be very strict with me if I made mistakes. Not too long ago, my father said,"I expect perfect behavior from you 100% of the time." He will apologize to me if he gets angry. I had an LDR of sorts with my father-with my father always on business trips-so no wonder I felt like I had an LDR with the ex-P despite living in the same city. I remember my father lecturing me harshly for crying. He was listing the occasions in which weeping would be appropriate. No wonder I felt like that during the final D&D when I was sobbing publicly as the ex-P lectured me on "inappropriate behavior." Since the ex-P saw himself as a father figure, he wasn't capable of seeing me as an equal, an adult. I was supposed to be the child, the student, subservient in the relationship... and needless to say, I got *TIRED* of that.
Oct 6 - 5PM
la.luna
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Thank you so much. I'm so

Thank you so much. I'm so relieved to have found such a supportive community. I'll defninitely need it.
Oct 6 - 11AM
greengirl91
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I hear you there, I could

I hear you there, I could have written those things. My father hasn`t been physically abusive or something, but honestly, I don`t remember him ever hugging me or something. Or closure. Always at distance. Actually, in my relationship with him, I was always the adult. I never felt safe and protected. I guess that is "normal" and "home" for me. Add to this the crises and anxiety of a blown N mom, and you have the product, myself. Lost in space, trying to live and stick to reality. I try not to blame them anymore though it`s hard sometimes, but to understand and change what I still can change. For you, for me and whoever identifyes with this, there is a serenity prayer, I know people from A-Anon use to help them heal: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. " Peace
Oct 6 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

la,luna

you have wasted nothing, you are here as we all are b/c of this LEARNING CURVE....you will get to know your self in ways you didnt think possible at 25..i didnt even know i was picking the wrong people...i just thought ,THIS IS HOW IT IS.....it took me till now [well last 3years] to get a sense of who i am....its all good ,but has taken me nearly all my lifetime... welcome to the board la,luna.....you are among friendsxxxxx
Oct 6 - 11AM
Hunter
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You made me laugh. 25 years

You made me laugh. 25 years old, I'm 43 and still figuring it out!! The good news you are only 25, you digging for the answers. We can't chose our parents, I personally have a doozie of a mother! It takes time and living to figure this stuff out..when you start doing for you, not worrying about others the rest falls into place!! The phrase "get you ducks all in a row"! Its takes work to get those suckers in line. :) Thearpy, reading, living, you're heading in the right direction! Hunter
Oct 6 - 10AM
needing2know
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You are wrong! YOU HAVE A

You are wrong! YOU HAVE A VOICE, USE IT! YOU HAVE A PULSE! YOU FEEL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL IS WRONG! You can break the cycle! You do not have to be like the people around you. If you know in your heart it is wrong, you have a heart and a soul! You need to get strong and believe in YOURSELF! When you can do that , the healing begins! I'm sorry for all you have to deal with and no one should have to do it ever! You will find allot of help and comfort here if you choose to take it, we are all here for each other, we are all going through the nightmare! We help each other stay strong and we can cry and vent, be happy , sad anything you want to do here and you will NEVER be judged or MOCKED! It's time to FIND YOU OK???