Daddy Issues
Daddy Issues
I just joined this site, and started the book. I feel like I will never break free of this addiction to narcs because my daddy is one. I love him fiercely even though he has never had the capacity to love me back. My relationship with my daddy has been nothing more than smoke and mirrors. It's one thing in public. You would think he was Heathcliff Huxtable from the Cosby Show. But behind closed doors he has no idea how to interact with his children. He's come to blows with my brothers because he can't control them anymore now that they're young adults.
I was doomed from the beginning because in the process of trying to win my daddy's love (which I will never truly have because he's incapable) I've realized that I have been drawn to men just like him...emotionally distant, hot and cold, manipulative, fear and guilt mongering, emotionally and psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. It's pretty twisted, but it's all I've ever known. To me, it's normal.
I remember I got so angry with my narc boyfriend because he mocked me when I was upset. But my dad does the same thing. After I have an emotional moment, he'll bring it up later and joke about it, mock my tears and do impressions of me. I'm so angry with my mother because she stayed. I'm angry at my father for being a robot. I'm angry at my nana and poppop for turning my father into a robot. I'm angry at myself for continuing this cycle. I'm just angry in general. I'm also scared that I'm going to be like him. Icapable of loving and being loved. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be "spanked" for speaking my mind or not being perfectly compliant as a child. I didn't ask to be a souless, spineless weakling who sways wherever the wind blows because she's scared of the consequences if she actually takes a stand on something. I have no respect for myself and I'm tired of living like this. I have no idea who I even am outside of my father and my string of narc boyfriends. I have no voice; I have no pulse. I'm not even really living and I've wasted a quarter of a century being someone I'm not. I have no clue who I really am.
Help is out there get it and
I love it that you won't let
You have you only used up one
Thank you all. People keep
Welcome LaLuna
La.Luna , you are so ahead of
Father Figure
Thank you so much. I'm so
I hear you there, I could
la,luna
You made me laugh. 25 years
You are wrong! YOU HAVE A