Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

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#1 Apr 15 - 8AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

Take the EMOTIONALLY ABUSED QUIZ: http://compassionpower.com/Eggshells/index.html

Feb 11 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 11 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

In time, the FOG lifts and

In time, the FOG lifts and it is clear to see the game played. This keeps a person condemned in the 'wrong" even after told something would be "right" you are told you are wrong. It's aka crazy making behavior.
Nov 23 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

READ TOP POST ___________________________ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Aug 14 - 3PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

damned if you do, damned if you don't

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
May 28 - 5PM
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You summed it up!

Every day of my life I live this.
May 28 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Amanda

Thanks for posting! Sorry to hear you endure this every day. You shouldn't have to live like this. Are you taking steps to break free?
May 28 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lisa

I find it impossible. When I try to back away he will drive by my house at all hours. Brings flowers....writes love notes...blows up my phone with calls and texts...swears to change. And ME....I give in just for him to become a total N within about an hour of the love spell he put on me. I'm mentally, emotionally and now physically wrecked. I use to be the girl who had respect for myself....now I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I hate the place I am because of this relationship. Hate it! It's destroying me. Litterally!!!! I have been to the Hopeline...therapist...medicated because I'm depressed over it all. Nothing I do is right. Nothing is good enough....for him. My entire family is so fed up with it they have all vanished....which makes the N very satisfied. I have no friends left because he won't allow me to just have visits. I'm always accused of cheating. He checks my time at work pinpointing the exact time I got off the the time of travel it would take to get home. He checks my cell phone. I did move out of the house. I rented a house for just my daughter and I. I think that is my first step...but then again, I work with him everyday....so....any advice? I'm really in a big mess. But, I'm stupid enough to go back to him. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
May 30 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Amanda - trying to break free

First of all, please do not be hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong here. It is not your fault the man you married turned into a controlling, manipulative and abusive man! Please, please do not beat yourself up like this. It makes me so sad to hear how upset you are with yourself. Nothing you do will every be good enough for him....ever. There is no point in trying to please him anymore and I think you are finally at the point where you realize this, which is the first step. I'm so sorry that your family and friends have pulled away. Please know this is because of him. This is exactly what a narcissist sets out to do in every relationship - isoloate you from your family and friends - so that you're more dependent on him than ever. You are in a very difficult place right now, but please know this - it is temporary. You are at a turning point, my friend. This is the hardest and most gut-wrenching part of recovering from a narcissist - realizing him for who he is and finally accepting it. It's so much easier to live in denial and tell yourself everything is ok. I am proud of you for getting honest with yourself and starting the process of turning your life around. So many people just stay in abusive relationships because it's easier than turning their world upside down. You have more respect for yourself than most people because you are being honest with yourself about the reality of your situation and starting to take steps to do something about it. This is huge and should not be mimimized in any way. You can't rush these things. They take time and of course you are going to waiver back and forth for awhile. The reason is because you are a good person and would love to give him the benefit of the doubt. Therefore, you do give into him once in awhile because you want to believe the best in people. This does not make you a bad or weak person. This makes you an open-minded, kind-hearted woman who wants to give her marriage every chance she can. So please, first and foremost, stop beating yourself up. You are right where you need to be right now and although it hurts like hell, it is part of the process of breaking free. You can get through this and you will. It took so much for me to finally realize I absolutely had to leave my ex-husband. I was with him eight years and gave him so many chances. However, every time I gave him a chance and he disappointed me with his cruel and selfish behavior, it just further validated my decision to leave. You're going to go through a lot of that before you feel as though you have total clarity about your situation and know you have no choice but to leave. And that's ok. Everyone needs to take their own time to figure things out. Journal and write everything down so you can look back on it when you are doubting your decision because he will do everything he can to make you doubt yourself. Narcissists are charming and brilliant manipulators so just remember that every time he asks you to let him in again. If you do let him in, be sure to journal how he treated you after you let him in. Eventually, you will have enough clarity to know what you must do. Until then, please do not be hard on yourself. This is a process and everyone has their own timetable. You take the time you need to be sure you're doing the right thing. I assure you that you will get to a point where you have total clarity about what you must do and you will do it. Until then, take it easy on yourself and come here to talk to us for we know exactly what you're going through and are here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa
May 29 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Amanda

As you no doubt know there are many postings here that offer advice and our own experiences about what seems to work, not work, etc. You have taken a huge step in moving into your own place. Congratulations and give yourself a big pat on the back for that. He sounds dangerous to me Amanda. He is stalking you and I fear for your safety. No contact is the best option I see for you at this point but I know you don't really want to hear that and yes, it is much easier said than done. Perhaps it's time to think about a new job away from him. Otherwise it is likely to be impossible and to entail a whole lot more grief and stress for you. Can you honestly see yourself continuing to work with him into the future? Imagine this for a few moments. What it will be like, feel like, what is likely to happen down the road? Take care, CM
May 29 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cassiemay

I feel fortunate to have found this site. For a year and a half I have felt crazy with how I'm feeling, what's happening to me. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm very excited to having my own safe haven for my daughter and I. It's a positive step in my life since this relationship began with the N. Everyone agrees he's nuts and stalking me. He use to hide everything so well...but as time went on people started to catch on and observe. A lot of things are still well hidden, but it's obvious. Everyone has become to hate this guy. I see myself working there for a while longer...I have no choice. Living in a small place and actually making decent money. I don't have help from state assistance or anything. Ex husband pays a little each week which covers daycare...but I do it on my own. Everything right down to health insurance. So I depend on that job to secure myself and daughter financially. I'm always looking though. He'll mess up real good one day and end up getting fired. I see that happening. He's too hot headed not to blow his lid right there in front of everyone. And I think everyone in the entire place will say.....SEE YA LATER BYE. He would not be missed.
May 19 - 10AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks!

The majority of these points pretty much describe my day to day existence with my ex. I could give countless examples of each, like all of us who can tell thousands of horror stories of how these men tried to destroy us. Thanks for posting, this is an excellent reminder of why we're not together.
May 19 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

trying to appease them never works

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