Day 3 NC and I am filled with jealousy

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#1 Nov 5 - 8AM

chickon2

Day 3 NC and I am filled with jealousy

From the last time I snooped.

I hate that he is In "love" again..

Even though, He does not know what that really is.

He THINKS he does..

So if he thinks he does, then the fact that he isn't doesn't really count right now..

Well that makes sense in my head..

This is the beginning part

that GREAT (yes fake) part.

THe sweeping off the feet part.

How about if he lasts longer with married than he did with me?

How about if he doesn't D & D her till waaay later.

I mean I met all of his friends, and family.

How is she going to meet them when she is married?

AND the fact that she is married, is going to make him work even harder at getting her..

AND he is going to be in "I am the star of this, forbidden love, movie roll"...

AND here I am.. feeling hurt over all of this..

AND he probably doesn't even remember all the time he asked me to be his wife while FRIGGEN CRYING.

Let me tell you the mind F*cking they do is just sinful.

and I hate that we have been through it ....

#2 Nov 10 - 12PM

staystrong.10.10

daily reminder to CHICK!

hey chickie! hope you are doing well. and remember "he's a D-I-C-K!!!" xo stay chic girl!

#3 Nov 11 - 1PM (Reply to #34)

chickon2

staystrong.10.10

Thank you lovey..... I am being strong...............

#4 Nov 8 - 6PM

not-an-idiot

The feelings will vary

I understand how this feels. It's hard to let go of the beautiful memories & it's sickening to think of them being lived out while you were left in the dust. I can guarentee that history will repeat itself. A part of me trying to understand my xn involved asking many questions about him from his ex gf's and ex friends. Wouldn't you know he had used the same exact lines, same ammo to start fights, the same "you're always wrong" mentality, the same complaints of how being in a relationship ruined his life. Seriously, some were word for word. Many of the people in his life accepted his near-constant D&D over time & moved on as better, happier people. Now he's only got the dumb ones left & that's not nearly as much supply so he still rages. None of us deserve to be manipulated by these monsters and their stupid games/mindfucks. We're way better than that.

#5 Nov 9 - 9AM (Reply to #32)

chickon2

not-an-idiot

Lawd you are NOT an Idiot at all. PERFECT name.. Thank you for this post and your reminder.. Tell me about it, with the SAME exact lines.. When I snooped I saw it .. It is a script wrapped in a bow of BS.. It's pretty sick.. Thank you..It's like we all dated the same person.. ICk.. I am glad you had the opportunity to ask questions.. It is a great validation right? I don't know any of his Ex's..... But I did get many questions answered with my snooping.. WHICH I will not do again, b/c as you said WE'RE WAY BETTER THAN THAT.... HUGS

#6 Nov 8 - 6PM

enoughalready

chickon2

GF- your XN will do the same crap to her that he did to you. They do not change. Believe me- he is just using her. Her marital status makes it easy for him to do anything with anybody of his choosing. He is able to hide things, cheat and lie behind her back. Narcs are master manipulators. Stay NC...

#7 Nov 8 - 6PM (Reply to #30)

chickon2

enoughalready

Thanks Guuurl Friend... Let me High Five ya.. B/c damn I need to hear that stuff.. I don't know why the heck I feel like she is soo different.. Yeah but since she is married.. More room for cheating and lying.. yes yes yes You are RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT thanks chickie...

#8 Nov 8 - 5PM

chickon2

I forgot the number of days

But I haven't snooped.. AND my friends haven't updated me on anything.. AND..that is all.. I still don't feel wonderfully happy yet with this detachment thing.. BUT I know if I snooped I would feel way worse.. So there is that:-) and I read and keep re reading all of your wise words... Thank you again...

#9 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

staystrong.10.10

hey chick!

hey girl, just wanna check on you how you doing and feeling these couple of days. (I've been crazy with work lately...) When i just started NC, one of my girlfriends sent me txt, emails every day just to remind me how big of "a hole" he is. her txt was simple:"he's ugly inside, he is a dutche, he never respected you and he will never change". she's sent that to me everyday for almost 2 weeks straight. it totally helped me! SO, I'm gonna do the same thing! I'm going to send you a lil message everyday: "CHICKON! HE IS A D-I-C-K, HE IS UGLY AND HE IS THE BIGGEST DUTCHE BAG EVER!!!!" remember this girl, you are a much bigger and better person and you deserve better!! xoxoxo

#10 Nov 9 - 9AM (Reply to #28)

chickon2

1010

HIya CHICKIE!!!!!!!! GOOD I am glad you have been busy...That means you haven't been thinking about the JOKER... Joker or as you and your wonderful friend have named him DOUCHE... THANK you a million ... you have made me smile.. You all really do.. It is amazing.. AND I can re read this everyday.. Don't you fret about coming on here everyday Girlie. You have a wonderful life to live.. YOU GOT THAT...... HUGS and bigger HUGS............and thanks and bigger THANKS.........................

#11 Nov 5 - 1PM

Briseis

Hey Chick

Try this on for size :) What is it that you are jealous OF? From your post, it sounds to me like you are jealous of this other woman getting "the goods". The goods are: All that attention from a SICK and TWISTED man, who is basically using her (as he did with you) as a giant blow up doll to project his pathetic Narc dramas on. Do you think there was something special about you that he CHOSE you to act out his Narc "love drama" on? Yeah, there was. You were willing to put up with it. That's it. The stuff you thought you were expressing to him? THe real love, your genuine self, your beautifully unique soul . . . he never saw them. All he saw was green lights on the runway that said "the coast is clear". The OW has the same exact green blinking lights on her runway. He could give a shit about HER, he needs a woman to play "mirror mirror" with him so he can watch himself act out his Narc drama. You are jealous of THAT? :)

#12 Nov 6 - 3PM (Reply to #19)

chickon2

Briseis

Guuuuuuuuuurl I have got to read this over and over again.. I hear you.. Shitte I hear you.. But some wires must be crossed b/c , I still feel the jealousy.. AND not just of him being in "love " again. But of people knowing he is crazy, and still being nice to him.. I dunno.. I want everyone to hate him B/c he hurt not only me, but my family, my kids. I don't know why that is such a big deal to me either.. I should not care about anyone else but myself. Thank you so much for this post mama.. I NEEDED it..

#13 Nov 8 - 7PM (Reply to #25)

faithinthefuture

chica

last week I sent a rude text to my chica friend. My daughter even told me it was uncalled for but...the xN goes to her house & her hubby is(think becoming was) his best friend. I thought she was playing head games with me and didn't have the balls to tell me "hey life goes on. you two are over. he's here and you're not so we have to put up with him" I wanted everyone to hate him and either call him on who he is or ignore him. Fri nite she called me & we talked for almost 3 hrs. NO not just about him. But this is what she told me. I have to get over my paranoia. That everyone knows what he is what he did and what he pretends to be. They all know what happened between us becuz they all believe me and know he's full of shit. And they look at him & take what he says w/a grain of salt. It means nothing to them. They will call him on his BS if it ever involves me but other than that they don't give a shit. People find him pathetic. He's 35 lives at home hasn't worked in over 2 yrs doesn't show up when he says he will. She said he's a joke and everyone can see it. But they don't give a shit. They just laugh behind his back at what a stupid loser he is. i think part of why we care what others think is becuz WE care. We don't want to hurt anyone. And we want them to pay. Everyone says they're zombies living w/no soul and are so unhappy. We want that to show. To watch them parade around like life is grand makes us want to slap they're fucking smug faces. That's what gets me. He thinks he got away with it. So after my talk with her I did feel soo much better. Even tho I had my own validation I had to hear I wasn't crazy for feeling what I am. I think that's just human nature. and thank God we are ;-)

#14 Nov 7 - 12AM (Reply to #20)

Briseis

Chick on

Man oh MAN did I want everyone to hate him, on my behalf, of course. It rankled my hide to no END that people continued to be friendly and helpful to him after what he so obviously, and publically did to me. It felt like a betrayal that other people were still "nice" to him. Even when he screwed THEM over, and he screwed over several others after me (all of whom he begged for help), they CONTINUED to be "nice" to him. To feel sorry for him!! OMG. I was PISSED off at an entire town. It felt very isolating, very invalidating. Like what I experienced wasn't quite "real" and that since everyone was still being friendly and helpful to him, that what happened to ME was less important. Maybe it was "no big deal", I needed to "get with it" somehow, stop walking around with a loaded pistol refusing to let him come back to the farm. I felt at odds with an entire community. I know why it's a big deal to you. While we should not care about what other people do, we STILL DO CARE. It still hurts, and is invalidating, even though no one means it to be. I would bet you people are uncomfortable with him. But they aren't going to be "honest" to him about what they think. They just want to get on with their day with as few waves as possible. They want peace. They feel guilty when they see you but don't really know what to do but go into denial. I think we all do this. Anyway, I relate and remember very well :( Just one more thing that heals with time, I promise.

#15 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

helldweller

Chickon Briseis, others

Ugh. That feeling of wanting everyone to hate him or at least just stop helping him! I was on the playground the Friday before Halloween for the kids' costume parade, and I was talking with a friend from high school, Maria. She has a child in my narc's child's class, and the two of them are sort of friends, she babysits for him, etc. Well, she didn't know I knew him even, after two years of being friends with him! I said, "I was with him for four years." Her mouth was hanging open. She said, and I quote, "What is his f*cking problem?" I shrugged and said, "He's really messed up. I don't know." Just then, his foster child was walking by and Maria TOOK OUT HER CAMERA AND TOOK SEVERAL PHOTOS OF HIM FOR THE NARC! I mean, the narc was standing by the fence talking on the phone, totally oblivious to his child and someone else was taking photos of his child for him! AND she had just expressed shock and disgust about his relationship with me. But just automatically went into "help the narc" mode. I don't get it.

#16 Nov 7 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

Briseis

Helldweller

OMG that is such a classic example!! Her jaw is hanging open in shock and disgust, then she sees the child and takes some pics for his dad. "Other people" can be as big a source of pain as the "other women". For some similar reasons, too. They deeply invalidate us. And if you were to climb in this gal's head, Helldweller, I'd bet you my next paycheck that she had NO idea of invalidating you, not a single one whatsoever. It is hopeless to be "angry" with these "other people". They are just trying to live their lives, do their things, meet their needs and go about their business without having their day wrecked. We talk a lot about empathy around here. In general, really "good empathy" is rare. It takes time to develop between two people. Neither one have to be Narcs for the empathy to develop slowly. It just IS that way, period. Human nature. It just sucks to be "insulted" almost every time you turn around, and to make it worse, no one really "means" to be insulting. It's very isolating, and can't be helped. We can't go around trying to control how other people view our exNarcs. It's one of those really tough things to accept, that it is none of our business. Even if we disclose EVERYTHING they did, the other person won't get it. Not unless they've been DIRECTLY impacted by a Narc themselves, in the same way we have. As I've gone along, I've developed a bitter sort of "gladness" that most people I know have NOT had the same experiences I have, they really really SUCK. So if they don't get it . . . well, vaya con Dios. Thank your lucky stars. Be grateful you CAN'T have empathy with me.

#17 Nov 7 - 5PM (Reply to #23)

chickon2

Briseis

AH you nailed it.. EXACTLY word for word, validated my feelings.. Thank you for that.. It really does mean so much.. My ego, my heart, for whatever reason I needed that.. AND your words are EXACTLY what I feel.. Helldweller I feel you too.. I feel your feelings dear heart... I could of written it, just with a different example.. THank you for the way you summed up this post Briseis.. Vaya con Dios..If I really think about it.. I don't want anyone I know to have go through this emotional rape, or be a victim of one of these sickos.. They really can't hate them.. They just don't really know.. Very mature and centered way of looking at it.. A wonderful perspective , thanks for sharing it...

#18 Nov 7 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

hooklineandsinker

I know exactly what you guys

I know exactly what you guys mean. The last three or four nights I have been having extremely vivid nightmares about things being taken from me and no-one in the dream giving a shit. The first one was about some specific possession of mine. I can't remember what it was, but I do remember several friends or family members witnessing (in the dream) that this item had been stolen or borrowed without my consent and ruined or destroyed by someone, and I was literally exploding with rage and frustration that not one of them tried to prevent it, or even sympathised with me afterwards about how awful it was. One of the other nightmares was about my wardrobe - I dreamt that someone had simply come along and helped themselves to my entire wardrobe (I love clothes and fashion so this has a lot of resonance for me) leaving it empty except for clothes hangers rattling against each other when I opened the wardrobe. Again, it was me raging and campaigning all by myself trying to get others to see the huge injustice that had been done to me - someone taking my property and leaving me literally and metaphorically naked. Again, they all just adopted a vague and indifferent "that's nice dear" attitude and smiled at me but did absolutely nothing to help me. I think that's the way we feel after a rel'ship with a narc has gone bad - we need the whole world to see and validate our pain and when they don't it's just like adding insult to inury.

#19 Nov 5 - 11AM

shortway

And yes the

And yes the urges,feelings,relapses will come farther apart..until there are little to none..:)

#20 Nov 5 - 11AM

shortway

Go.."shorty" it's your

Go.."shorty" it's your birthday..lol My N disgusts me at this point..I wouldn't touch him with a stick..And the OW is just as gross..In the beginning it was like me watching the whole thing go down...But now I'm like yeah your a loser and that was gross..now you just are gross..I had the luxury of telling my N he is gross and she is busted etc etc..So that was fun..I told him she looks like a transvestite with a moustache..lol..But now I'm NC...got everything out and he can sit and stew in the fact he is really stuck with that gross girl..You have to get your power back and that means going NC on his ARSE and making like he is below you...which he is

#21 Nov 6 - 6AM (Reply to #15)

michele115 (not verified)

OMG Shortway!

I said to mine..."And your Bi$Ch looks like a TRANNY!...we do have to get together...really I think we'd be dangerous...LMAO!... BTW, I don't see you on FB...what's up?

#22 Nov 6 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

shortway

Hahahha we are like soul

Hahahha we are like soul sisters..lol..I'm on FB...I'll try to shoot you a message..See if we got the right person.lol...Hot tranny messes..lol...I've never called anyone a tranny..except this one.Cause she is...lol

#23 Nov 5 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

chickon2

Shorty

"Go.."shorty" it's your birthday..lol EXACTLY.. Love it... and you said busted.. You are an east coaster... Fo Sho! He does discusts me, but I guess not fully.. B/c I still have dreams of the niceness.. I never saw the uglyness.. We never even fought.. I just know the ickness now after the fact. blech.. It should be enough.. I need to launch the getting my power back campaign. Because anyone that knew me in real life, knew I was thinking this way, they would be SHOCKED this is soo not me... Good grief..... Transvestite with a moustache YIKES.................

#24 Nov 5 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

shortway

Hahaha..ish is

Hahaha..ish is busted.lol Yeah we argued only because he had alot of the classic personality traits of an N..."talking about himself,selfish,me,me,me..so it was annoying after a while.His real true colors didn't come out until I caught him with the OW...Then I got pure evil...At times I think of the good times and I get a little mushy..then little voice in my head says"HOLD UP SISTA"..don't you even start to forget what he said...And I mean terrible things when I caught him.I now finally saw the meaning of D+D....Demeaning and discarded..yep...thats what happened..My opinion is that they want to try to break up down so we are down for the count so they can move on quicker...A way for them to still control us..I'm at the point...NO mOre...I'm getting happy again..:)

#25 Nov 5 - 10AM

shortway

AND he is going to be in "I

AND he is going to be in "I am the star of this, forbidden love, movie roll"... Oh man..I have been here with the thoughts..I know what you are going through with the OW..Our mind takes us off into these places..NC...You'll start to eventually not care what they are doing etc..But it takes time and practice..Be the person he has to "think about"..go mysterious on his arse...So his situation won't be so in the spotlight..I hate them

#26 Nov 5 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

chickon2

Shortyway

My new name for you is shorty :-) His arse made me LOL.. Oh, I don't mean to be debbie downer but Thank GAWD you have had the same thoughts.. It is unreal really, that I would even have these.. B/c he is sooo ick.. Thank you mama.. Time and practice I hear you....

#27 Nov 5 - 10AM

staystrong.10.10

chickon!!

hey girl! I haven't been on the forum for a few days and i feel so angry when i just read your post! i hate him for you!!! but girl, you were so strong last week, remember the words that you wrote on my post? go back to that cuz that's your strong self!! Chickon, we all go through this "whatif" moments. I still do! you'll pass it, it may come back, but remember, he is the biggest D-I-C-K in the world that you are in! Again, he's never going to change, the same thing will happen to that OW too! you should feel sorry for her and be happy you are finally out of that hell hole! He's a fake! the relationship that he's having w the OW is fake too (she just doesn't know it yet) be strong girl! xoxo

#28 Nov 5 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

chickon2

staystrong.10.10

OMg what happend to me??? You are right.. It's so easy to come on here and cheer you guys on b/c I can CLEARLY see what a tremendous value you and the others are.. WE MUST see that in our selves also.. Yup Fake.FAKE FAKE FAKE....... Thank you for the reminder .. 1010 wins....

#29 Nov 5 - 9AM

TNR1

"What ifs" only hurt us....

I know it is easy to do...believe me, I've done it a thousand times over. It is completely normal to wonder if the OW is somehow able to get/retain what we didn't. But then you have to remember what you were dealing with, a man with no empathy. In the end, it will always be about him. Do you really want that back??? Sure, the idealization phase is fantastic, but it doesn't last, it can't last...because he just can't fake it forever. Ask anyone who has been married to an N for any period of time, there is no Cinderella ending. Right now, what will serve you best is to stop thinking about him (hard I know because we are all conditioned to think about him when we are involved with an N) and what he is doing with OW. You have no control over him or her or that situation. What you do have utter control of is what you do from this point forward. You have been profoundly hurt, so you need to find ways to love yourself. Comparing yourself to OW is a way to continue the punishment. Kick that to the curb. Say this every day: "Look what an amazing woman he lost out on". It may feel fake right now, but as you find your strength and gain your distance, it will start to feel real (and it IS by the way). Good Luck, big HUGS!!

#30 Nov 5 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

faithinthefuture

TNR1

"Look what an amazing woman he lost out on" and add "and will never have again" I have compared myself to his OW(plural) and it made me sick. I was honestly trying to make us work. To understand him and his feelings. To get him to see where I was coming from so we could have it soo good. The reality...he didn't give a shit about me or us only about him. To think of what I put up with for him to see I was the best for him for us. I was played and taken advantage of. After he put me on the pedestal I guess I put myself there too. I thought I was different and more special than all the others. I wasn't. He's using the same lines, songs, words to all of them isn't he? No need to answer that I already know. M'Fr's are good! I hate them all!

#31 Nov 6 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Janet

Amen to that. Your post

Amen to that. Your post sums up my feelings too. Peace. J

Peace. J

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