Day 42 NC and REALLLLLLLLY Struggling...

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#1 Jul 2 - 2PM
FreeMe
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Day 42 NC and REALLLLLLLLY Struggling...

I feel I owe everyone here an apology for being such an energy 'suck'. I don't know why I'm not snapping out of this bout of wanting to contact the NARC. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I feel like contact will make the pain go away. I think I'm most sad because I'm actually WANTING a hoover. (Please go easy on me, I'm admitting that out of sheer honesty)

The pain comes from the truth.

I thought he would actually miss me.
I thought I made a difference in his life.
I thought he really loved me.
I thought I mattered.
I thought at some point he would check in on me to see how my move went.

NOPE! Nada... Zip... Zero...

The problem that concerns me is I'm in a mindset of WANTING A HOOVER. Wanting contact that HE initiates. In some way I would feel I at least mattered.

I am the one who said,"Do not contact me. I need to heal. I need to process all that has happened. I feel 'raw' and need to feel whole. I can't do that with you around."
I know he will not contact me this time. He knew I had hit the dead end with all of my might. The last OW episode leveled me and he knew it.
He is onto new SUPPLY. No need for FreeMe. She's too much work. She doesn't just accept that I want to f..k other women. She requires attention, emotional investment and time. Baaah humbug... Kick her to the curb. She's done making my house stunning. I can now bring all of my new supply to my crazy gorgeous bachelor pad that FreeMe made so perfect.
She's good that way, ol FreeMe. All I had to do to get her to invest hundreds of (loving) hours decorating my new mansion was a few weekends together and voila...
HA! I was EVEN able to keep my Sunday night date with OW after FreeMe took off to drive 6 hours home.
What hell right? I'm a bachelor and doing my own thing. Who give a flying f..k how FreeMe feels? I told her I was seeing/sleeping with OW? What's her problem getting all undone about OW? Jeeeez... Women. They're all crazy. (his words about all women being crazy)

And I want to contact this raging MOTHER FUCKING FUCK HEAD?

Why? Why do I want to contact this POS who thinks he is ALL THAT AND MORE? (Short little fuck with ugly sunflower seed teeth, a gigantic nose and a small, ugly dick and is as tall as a 4th grader...)
Why?
So HE can sit there behind his BIG DESK like a pompous mother fucking asshole with his Cheshire Cat grin feeling like HE WON...
YESSSSSS! She broke down... I knew she would. She always does. FreeMe is weak. She is weak for me. She loves me and love is weakness. I can fuck the world and she'd have me back in a NY minute.
Besides, I have the whole internet of dating sites to find new SUPPLY. Whoe needs FreeMe anyway?

Well, looks like I talked myself out of that call for the moment didn't I??????

Thank you forum friends... Head bowing, hands in prayer.

I am grateful, really, really grateful
FreeMe

Jul 4 - 10AM
Ruby
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I will probably get my ass

Jul 4 - 10AM (Reply to #34)
Used
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After all, what is happiness?

Jul 4 - 10AM (Reply to #35)
Ruby
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Yes. I agree with you one

Jul 3 - 12AM
iwanttoheal
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Dear FreeMe

Jul 3 - 12AM (Reply to #32)
FreeMe
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Dear Iwanttoheal

Jul 2 - 9PM
TruthbeginsToday
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FreeMe, C'mon you KNOW that

Jul 2 - 6PM
Learningthehardway
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I hope...

Jul 2 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
spt
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Ha ha ewww! Don't taint my

Jul 3 - 9AM (Reply to #29)
Learningthehardway
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ha ha!!

Jul 2 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
FreeMe
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Reincarnation Pigs & Bacon Burger

Jul 2 - 6PM
Quixotic
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This is about your ego

Jul 2 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
done as dinner
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Yep, my ego is curled up in a ball and pounding its fists!

Jul 2 - 8PM (Reply to #23)
FreeMe
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Garden Gnome!! Brilliant...

Jul 4 - 9AM (Reply to #24)
kollontai77
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sunflower seed teeth!

Jul 2 - 6PM (Reply to #22)
HelpMeHeal
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Garden gnome

Jul 2 - 5PM
what.a.mess
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Fuck the Sunflower Seed Teeth Troll..

Jul 2 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
FreeMe
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Hi w.a.m honey-

Jul 2 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
FreeMe
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Dear sweet what.a.mess...

Jul 2 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
what.a.mess
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Sweetie

Jul 2 - 4PM
Juliette
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I don't want to make light of your struggle, Free . . .

Jul 2 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Journey
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Yup, and one way to start

Journey on...

Jul 2 - 4PM
Journey
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Freeme, you do understand

Journey on...

Jul 2 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
FreeMe
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Journey, that's what is sinking in...

Jul 2 - 4PM
spt
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I thought he would actually

Jul 2 - 3PM
Hunter
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A day to day account of the

Jul 2 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
FreeMe
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Hunter... I feel stuck- I am trying to push past it. I truly am.

Jul 2 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Emotionalroller...
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Your still so new to NC like

Jul 2 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
FreeMe
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emotionalrollercoaster... Thank you for your wise words...

Jul 2 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
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Did you wake up?? Did your

Jul 2 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
FreeMe
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Hunter... You are tough love.. And, you are right-