Detaching with love, it's not for everyone

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#1 Mar 5 - 8PM
CougarBabe7
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Detaching with love, it's not for everyone

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say that none of our exes ASKED to be afflicted with their personality disorder. Yes, they DO things that hurt us and yes, they are sick. However, research shows that personality disorders develop from infancy through approximately age 7. And more often than not, it's not a genetic thing, it's because the child was abused and/or neglected, or maybe the child received too much attention, etc. Either way, an infant or child does not ask to be disordered. And I myself feel extremely lucky that I am not afflicted with something so horrible.

So even though I was very angry at the start of my recovery, and went through the PTSD, and struggled with cognitive dissonance, at least I'm emotionally healthy again. Whereas my ex will suffer with his disorder for the rest of his days. That is why, for me, I do feel sorry for him, to a point. I am able to recover from being used and abused, gaslighted, devalued and discarded, etc. However, he will NEVER recover from whatever abuse he may have gone through as a child.

So will I ever abandon him completely? Nope. I'll always be his friend. Of course, we cannot be close friends, because then it's bad for me; but I will always be his distant friend, and take pleasure in knowing that having my friendship makes him feel good. Like I said, he didn't ask for the disorder, but he certainly has to live with it. I can walk away from him, but he cannot walk away from his PD. So personally, for me, detaching with love works. It just took me a while to get to this point. I did have to do the NC thing for quite some time, in order for me to heal enough to get to "detaching with love."

Again, this works for me, and only with him. There are others whom I have no love for anymore. Can you say "detaching with hate?" LOL

Love & light to you all! ♥

Mar 6 - 9AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Love

I think that, to detach with "love" means, with love for YOURSELF. Not for them, necessarily. The theory is, that when you hold onto hate, the person you hate ultimately controls YOU. You're leaving a BIG emotional cord floating around in the either, that still connects you to them, if you like. Detaching with love, means... maybe coming to a good place within one's self. Coming to a detached, completely objective, rational understanding of what took place. Claiming the part you played in it. It doesn't mean, "Hold onto your undying romantic, useless feelings for said person." It's a way of making peace, within yourself, so you can recognize when it happens again. At least, this is my interpretation. If it's true, that we're all one, we're all part of the same living, breathing, energy... hating someone else, means you hate yourself. As opposed to realizing that people are mirroring back to you, what you're sending out. Something in you. That something isn't to be hated, but to be improved upon, within yourself, and keep moving right along.
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That was a great

Way to explain it Incognito...holding on to the hate or neagitivity is actually internalized onto ourselves... I think what is causing a lot of misunderstanding is the word "friendship from a distance" "love" But this has more to do with a metaphysical approach perhaps? In laymans terms...essentially, releasing the SHIT that is binding you...Letting it go and getting out of STUCK...
Mar 6 - 9AM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Its been said

they wear their mask for anyone & everyone in their lives, from parents, family, friends, lovers, gfs. So will I ever detach with love and be his friend? When hell freezes over! I still have moments that I feel total utter disgust for him and what he is and what he did to me.And anger because no one can tell me when you are in a love(supposed)relationship that a person, a N or not, doesnt know that cheating is WRONG and lieing is WRONG!!! I have had moments of hatred towards him and have cursed him to his death. I don't like that feeling at all. It's not who I am or want to be. I'm slowly getting to the indifference feeling. I know what he is and I know he's living a life of hell within himself and yeah, sorry but that makes me smile at times. I can picture him and feel all the pity in the world for the pathetic person he is and do feel sorry for him. But not enough to ever let him in my life again. He wouldn't be a true friend anymore than he was a true partner.
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Totally with you

I don't buy for a second that my ex didn't know what he was doing was wrong or hurtful. Disordered? Yes, he is. But clueless? No. As I said in another thread, I am not a fan of the school of thought that these guys are helpless to their disorder. I feel sorry for mine, too. But, his behavior earned him a one-way ticket out of my life.
Mar 6 - 11AM (Reply to #19)
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

"I am not a fan of the school

"I am not a fan of the school of thought that these guys are helpless to their disorder. I feel sorry for mine, too. But, his behavior earned him a one-way ticket out of my life" My sentiments exactly, Ally. Doesn't mean I spend my time and energy "hating" him, but I just want nothing to do with someone who has caused me a lot of emotional damage and delighted in it.
Mar 6 - 7AM
dupedx2
dupedx2's picture

I agree with you

Once I understood what was going on, there was shock and hurt,then anger.The anger was making me very, very depressed. (They always say that depression is anger turned inward) After a period of NC I was able to tell the narc that I knew exactly what was going on- that I was just a device to stroke his ego when it was convenient for him. It felt really good to speak my truth to him, like a huge weight was lifted from me. His reaction, of course, was textbook, blaming his hectic life, his health, his poor computer...yada, yada, yada. Of course, no apology. Understanding his disorder, however, has allowed me to accept him for who he really is, and also to accept my role in all of this. It feels good not to be angry anymore. I am not a victom, and I choose to remain his friend from a safe distance (700 miles) Detached love and acceptance from a distance works for me. My eyes are wide open and I can control my behavior but no one elses.
Mar 6 - 3AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

NO THANKS

I prefer to detach with indifference. I dont HATE him, yet I certainly cant be even a long distance friend to someone who really does EVIL to others and KNOWS its WRONG. THis philosophy goes along with the concept when they say, Dont take it personally, its who they are and they will do it to anybody. Well you know what, he did it to ME, I crossed paths with an individual who was inflicted with this and I will not abide to his deviant behavior as he rapes and betrays women by being his friend just because it might make him feel good and the poor lost soul needs a friend. I guess you are a better person that I am because you are able to do this, even though I feel sorry for him that he must live with this for the rest of his life, I could never offer him my friendship I offered him my love and he punished me for it like it was a sin to feel love for another human being, sorry he rejected and abused me too severely there is nothing left in my heart that I could possibly offer him, maybe one day I will pray for him from FAR FAR AWAY
Mar 6 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not taking things personally

I remember the ex-Psych prof telling me early on to NOT take what he said personally, it really baffled me, considering how he attacked my character in class, slandered me, and engaged in crazy-making as part of his "teaching." "I offered him my love& he punished me for it"-I think that's why the D&D is more traumatic&painful than other romantic rejections. Sheesh, I had some crushes/infatuations in middle&high school--and those were really minor disappointments. I had a crush on a journalism teacher in high school;this tall, slender, handsome vegetarian--he was living with my creative writing teacher (he dressed conservatively, she dressed like a hippie)--I didn't declare my love to him. It was a crush;I knew it, it didn't break my heart that he already had a girlfriend. I was infatuated with a cellist named David;he turned out dating my best friend instead. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I devastated? No. He didn't attack my being, he just said he preferred my friend, wasn't interested... okay, I was a little bruised in the ego, but I moved on. After the final D&D, I told the ex-P that I MUCH preferred the romantic rejections of high school because they were handled maturely. I told the ex-P "I know romantic rejection. It's called high school" and implied that high school hormonal teenaged boys were BOTH more mature&honest than him. The final D&D was the ex-P punishing me for the terrible offense of falling in love with him. He'd lecture me, endlessly, about how I was going against the college's mission, how it was fraternization (like a lawyer, I argued that since we hadn't gotten physically involved, emotional involvement was OK-I looked for the loophole), how there were "walls" between us. He claimed I was somehow "offending" him. He attacked my character, I'd tell him to *STOP* and he wouldn't relent. He'd reduce me to tears publicly, then stand back... not take me to a private place or comfort me. When I asked him how I had acted "inappropriately",he wouldn't specify. To make matters worse, he was telling his sob story to students in his seminar that I was making sexual advances on him (when I hadn't), so he'd move his seminar from classroom to classroom, so I'd be pursuing him. Even when I had told him that a friend of mine had died, he didn't let up. Most romantic rejections are incredibly blah&boring-lack of chemistry, drifting apart, realizing incompatibility-they have as much passion as filling out a tax return. But the final D&D was incredibly painful. Exasperated, I told the ex-P after the final D&D,"All you had to say was that you already had a girlfriend. You didn't have to lecture me endlessly. It didn't have to be a huge drama." "Like it was a sin to feel love for another human being"-That's why I find the "Ballads" episode of GLEE triggering. When I first the episode summary on Wikipedia, I nearly wept. It hit close to home. VERY close to home. In "Ballads",Rachel Berry (Lea Michele) has a crush on Mr. Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison). He thinks she's crazy. He punishes her for having a crush on him. He publicly humiliates her, punishes her by having her do household cleaning with his wife, then takes her to the bedside of a comatose former student, Suzie Pepper, who attempted suicide because he rejected her. That strikes me as so Narc-ish with Mr. Schue's pompous sermonizing at the bedside of someone he rejected. It's the "she fell in love with me, I rejected her, look where she is now, comatose!" The ex-P wanted me to feel like it was a sin to love him, because he was a teacher, and I was a student. Normal romantic rejections don't consist of completely dismissing another person's feelings. The ex-P would tell me that I didn't really love him, angrily ask why I liked him, repeatedly tell me to keep my distance... and when I asked HIM what HE felt about me... he knows I would've listened, instead he evaded. The final D&D was like a cosmic temper tantrum. My baby nephew will reject me when he prefers my sister& wants to nurse... he wants what he wants&I can't supply it. But I can handle a toddler. With a man pushing 40, it's baffling.
Mar 7 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Suze ^^^^

I relate with what you're saying a lot. Well, change some minor details here and there, but yes. I totally hear you. Leaves me shaking my head. We're smart, emotionally intelligent people. I can't for the life of me, understand why things weren't transparent sooner. I guess, that goes all the way back to the past, to childhood. GOOD teachers really should be paid more, and given more credit. They're shaping minds. It's a delicate thing. They truly do hold positions of power. The power to help, but in the wrong hands, also the power to hurt. It's insane.
Mar 6 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

neverlookback, ditto to

neverlookback, ditto to everything you said in your post. I remember when me and my ExN broke up and when he wanted me back - I told him no because you pushed me too far and you were just so horrible. He then offers friendship, at the time I said "yes" not knowing he was a Narc. When he contacted me again under the guise of "friendship" I had that uncomfortable feeling in my gut like I did in the beginning of the "relationship". I changed my mind and did not respond to him at all because I decided he does not even deserve my friendship. This time I listened to my gut and then I came across this site and realized what I was dealing with. It was not like we dated and we mutually decided it was not working so being friends would be comfortable. The ExN was just manipulative and emotionally abusive not only to me but anyone else he comes in contact with. That is not the type of person I want as a friend, even a distance friend or acquaintance. So although yes I do feel sorry for him and feel pity for him, I could not let that negativity back into my life again under any circumstances.
Mar 6 - 7AM (Reply to #12)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

neverlookback

Thumbs up! This is exactly how I feel. i would never treat a "friend" the way he treated me! I can't wait to get to the part where he doesn't even exist in my world and that does not make me a bad person but a SMART PERSON! Never get stung by the same bee twice! As I see it, once I recover why should I care about him at all! I don't owe him anything but I owe myself everything. Peace!

victimnomore

Mar 6 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Neverlookback

For me, the concept isn't so much being a long distance friend and I believe that detaching with indifference is fine too! For me, the key is just to purge the negative feelings all together by whatever means necessary simply because those negative feelings ultimately affect US... So, it's not a matter of feeling "love" for the person so to speak...but even striving to the "indifference" in a way is still a form of "love" because essentially what one is doing is "RELEASING" the person...and all negative feelings which in turn demonstrates our acceptance that while we disagree on some level because we're hurt...We're releasing THEM and ourselves from the bondage WHICH then gives us the ability to travel our own path's unemcumbered. The concept *on a spritual level* of us having "Free Will" by detaching with *love* or *indifference* we are allowing that process to take place. It's not *love* in the way we think about it conventionally, and conceptually, the releasing or detaching *with love* is actually more for us. For me, it's a matter of semantics... Detaching with *indifference* is just as okay...as long as it leads YOU back to YOU and there is no negativity because that is what harms us and messes with our health and emotional well being... Hugs!
Mar 6 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
Used
Used's picture

neverlookback

i 100% agree with what you say, and why would i want to be freinds with bad memories, i am indiffrent to myexh and narcs "plight", i couldnt care less, i have made my self into a "selective"person, and as such, they are not fit to even be near me , and any sympathy i have , i will reserve for my self and freinds here, for even having to be here in the first place,b/c of the narcs we have surrounded our selves with in the first place.
Mar 6 - 11AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Cougar Babe

I liked your post and I have felt the same way, i never had any real hatred or even anger towards the EXNarc, for better or worse, it was just so shocking to me that someone could treat another person that way. I did a lot of reading and researching about how important the upbringing by a Narc's mother is and I know mine had very strong issues with his mother, she was a narc-like person, at least early on when he was little by and smothered,doted on him and kept him close to her apron, his brother told me that. His father did not play a big enough role in his life and support his break from his mother. He even told me he was scared of women once, which is why he became a bully,is grossly insecure about himself, always had to be right, and have things go HIS way.He had no idea or comprehension of the word compromise, which is why he now has 5 failed relationships,longterm, I was number 5.I think too he knows all is not right with me as he once said i need to find someone else and he needs to live by himself. You are right they did not chose this disorder and now he has cancer, lives by himself in a small town and maybe only one of his 5 children who cares if he is alive or dead, it is horribly sad and I can let go with love and sadness.He left me so there it ends.
Mar 6 - 12AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Yes CB i totally get what you

Yes CB i totally get what you are saying , i think that there is definalty a point in healing that pity kicks in , when you realise that this is a condition mostly born out of childhood trauma . It just takes a long time to reach that point , i got there when i realy got the fact that there is no cure for my narc and i realised he will always be this crazy . As you say he didnt ask for this condition , his fake personers where developed in childhood probably when he realised no one liked him and in order to fit in in school he had to do something on how he came across . Once you can pity the narc shrinks in size and no longer is scary . xx
Mar 6 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I totally relate to this

Once you can see them as disordered and that it has NOTHING to do with you; they lose their power. Perhaps, detatch with love is too much of a concept with most people and does not really play out very well. Truthfully loving another and letting them go when they have caused severe trauma in our lives is a stretch. Whatever works for each person is what will happen anyway. Detatch with love, hate, indifference, pity, or whatever it takes for you for now and let time do the rest. Just to strive towards detatchment is the goal. I find for me that as long as I still have the hate or anger; they still own me. This took close to 6 months to work through for me with the last one and with my father who was a raging Narc it took me years. I can feel love and pity for the Narc now, I look at him and am amazed today that I allowed him to push my buttons as he did. With my father, I feel indifference because it was years of trying to please him and getting shot down every time, so now I don't bother and if I had to see him for a family thing, there is very little emotion left now. The things that were so important regarding the Narc before are moot now because I wanted my life back and putting a PD first is the quickest way to lose yourself and it can take so long to get yourself back as we all know, that it just is not worth it anymore. As George Harrison said in a song: "My life belongs to me; my love belongs to who can see it." Goldie
Mar 7 - 3AM (Reply to #6)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Goldie, GREAT post and well

Goldie, GREAT post and well said!
Mar 7 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

I agree

I agree with Trulybroken - great post Goldie! Detaching really IS the important part, no matter how you do it. Nicely written G!! ♥
Mar 5 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cougarbabe

It took a lot for me to get to that point...but it is a much more peaceful serene existence. It has allowed me to see things in a new light and has allowed me to grow and to fill that emptiness that I didn't realize existed within me. It has allowed me to gain a new perspective... I am still going through the process but the despair is significantly less because I have been able to release a lot of it and within that perspective the hurt isn't as personal. I think for me...the rejection and all that was involved did a BIG number to me and my ego and when ego's are bruised...oye vey... Thank you for sharing your experience.
Mar 6 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Being distant friends with the Ex Narc

I know that it is healing to know that their disorders started very early, had nothing to do with us, and will continue forever. However, I won't be friendly towards my Ex Narc. He used other ex's friendship to manipulate me into thinking that he isn't that bad of a guy. So I don't ever want him to be able to look at another one of his victim's and use my friendliness as bait. I can see him saying to OW that things just didn't work out between us but that we are friends. Sick!!!
Mar 6 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Wisernow30

exactly. You described my NH! He remained friends with all of his ex's but told me how he manipulated the hit out of them. Well I am glad he revealed that to me because he will never have me as part of his ex's club to MANIPULATE THE SHIT OUT OF ME and make someone else jealous and hurt them. I will not be used like that! OH I am so much smarter because if him Let him sail off into the sunset with his sick fantasies. I have real, true friends that I will invest my friendship with. And I don't hate him. He is just not worthy of my friendship.

victimnomore