The devastating results of breaking NC. I need to share and not be ashamed.....

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#1 Aug 10 - 7PM
brokenacc
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The devastating results of breaking NC. I need to share and not be ashamed.....

I never in a million years thought I would be back in this place again. A place of shame, brokenness, pain, humiliation, anger, hurt, frustration, darkness, and emptiness. Because of the residual feeling or feeling duped, embarrassed, played again, humiliated, ….I became too ashamed to share this same sad story again. But I have painfully come to realize that breaking my silence is the first step to TRUE healing this time. Please allow my story to be a testimony to those who still question or doubt if your ex is a narc, could he be the exception, is there maybe hope still, did you read this wrong….the answer to that is absolutely NO. If there is even doubt rather or not he’s a narc….then he is! I joined this support group back in march of this year. I was freshly d&d’d and was devastated. I had been on a emotional roller coaster for YEARS with my exN. I had no clue to what narcissism was. I read Lisa’s book, I did all of the steps and was truly growing stronger and on way to a better and happier life. Although I still loved my exN, I was determined to get me back. I stuck by NC and was feeling empowered and good about myself. He continued to hoover, sending text messages to my work cell (which I could not block him due to not having administrator privileges). I did not respond for weeks. The hoover grew stronger and stronger. He came to my house and would drop off letters. I would ignore. He continued and was relentless. He was saying things to me that I thought I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS HEAR HIM EVER SAY!!! He then begin to contact my family pouring his words out to them. My parents were VERY honest and frank with him. My sister gave him a piece of her mind and even still she gave in begin to have mercy on him and give him advice. But even still he would not give up. .He vowed to my father that he had learned his lesson and that he promised and vowed to him to love me, honor me, respect me, and to NEVER hurt me the way he did. Even with all of that I still was scared because of the things I had read on Narcissism and being on this forum. My sister had him speak with my therapist. My therapist initially was skeptical but felt because my exN was able to find insight and go through a period of depression than he was questionable if he was a Narc. So with all of this and his persistent relentless attempts of not giving up, vowing to do things I’ve never heard him say, I slowly begin to bring down my wall. I asked my father if he thought if he was sincere. My father believed he was after having many long conversations with him. My dad then, gave him his blessing….not knowing he was giving his daughter back to the devil. From then the honey moon phase started and man was it great! It was like he was a totally different person. I made it very clear to him what my boundaries were, what my non negotiables were, and what he had to do in order to be with me. First thing he had to do was break all contact with the OW he cheated on me with and another ex of his who has been in and out of his life for over 8 years now. We called sprint together and he placed the call on speaker phone and had these two women numbers blocked ( I knew their numbers, so I knew he blocked the correct numbers). A week after that, and incident happened and I saw a text from one of the ow he blocked. I got so upset with him and threatened to leave. He called sprint with me there and placed on speaker phone again and asked why was he continuing to receive texts from a blocked number. Sprint told him that the first representative only blocked phone calls and not text messages. So he proceeded to have the numbers blocked again. Then a couple of days go by and he realizes he’s now not getting text messages from no one on his phone. So we called sprint AGAIN, and this time he had ALL blocks removed and told me that I just needed to trust him to handle things appropriately if they contacted him. (my first biggest mistake).
He knew I was a spiritual person and he started going to church with me, even crying in the service asking God to forgive him for all that he has done. He told me how he wanted to work on growing his relationship with God and asked me to help him with this. He committed to going to church with me every Sunday. He gave me the password and access to his facebook account, cell phone, etc. Keys to his house so I can come and go as I please. He told me no secrets this time and he would be completely transparent with me. He told me he had started ring shopping and was ready to get married and start a family now. He told me how he couldn’t live with out me and he would spend the rest of his life making up to me the wrongs he did. He told me how he wanted to spoil me, do trips together, do everything together and for us to be best friends. He told me that I was number one priorority in his life. He put his job, his best friend, and other hobbies all on hold to give me all of his time and attention. He took me on a lavish trip and spent money spoiling me, taking me shopping, whining and dining etc. He took me to his nephew’s graduation and told his sister and nephews that I was going to be his wife. For the first time EVER I felt like I didn’t have to do any work in this relationship. Based on all of the things I saw him doing, I started to believe him. I’ve known this man for 13 and half years and we have dated seriously over the last 4 years and I have NEVER seen him go to this length to try to win me over. He seemed so sincere. He cried and cried and cried like a baby telling me how deeply sorry he was ( which I have NEVER seen considering how HUGE his ego is). He told me and my family that he had his priorities in the wrong places for so long and his only focus was his career goals and he had become selfish as a result. He had us ALL convinced that, wow, he finally sees the light now, He wanted for us to get married and start looking at rings. I told him that we would need to start therapy because there were a lot of issues and pain that he caused me that I just cant brush under the rug ( this was my life saving grace decision right here). We started therapy and initially it was going fine. He told my therapist what he had done, the mistakes he had made and how he was willing to do whatever it takes to be better person and to help us get back into a better place. As time went on our therapist begin to give us these communication strengthening exercises to work on outside therapy. When ever I would try to do the exercises with him, he would have these little tantrums and get frustrated saying these exercises are not being helpful to us. As time went on, little by little his mask starting coming down. And I begin to sense this! He started saying things like he doesn’t have to go to church every Sunday if he doesn’t feel like it….whats the big deal. I’m doing all these other things for you”. He told our therapist that I was trying to change him into something that he’s not. When I would challenge him on this and correct him stating that he was the one who wanted to make these changes….the rage and temper tantrums started coming out. This slowly continue to go on and he begins to resent me for wanting him to make the changes that HE said he wanted to do. I then begin to see text messages from OW, Ex’s that he supposedly cut all communication with. When I confront him about it, there was ALWAYS a excuse.. his biggest ones were “ I did cut all communication, I cant help that they still reach out to me” or “ she’s struggling with letting go and saying she needs closure”. He knew this was one of my biggest deal breakers, so at first, he will become very hostile and angry about me asking about this in the first place but then he would later calm down and assure me that I have nothing to worry about and that he’s handling the situation and told them all to move on with their lives. But it just continued to go down hill from there. He started saying A LOT of disrespectful things he used to say to me before, he started blaming me for pushing him away because I didn’t trust him and was still punishing him, he started critizing me for every little thing I did, he stopped going to therapy saying the therapist was making things worse ( only because she was holding a mirror up to his face and he couldn’t handle it), he started saying he was not going to marry someone who did not trust him and I better get myself together or I would lose him, etc, etc, etc. I started finding myself going into that deep hole of depression again and doing whatever I had to do now to make this relationship work…..especially now after telling my friends that this time it would be different. I started compromising my non negotiables and telling him the things that were not ok, were ok and not deal breakers for me. I started compromising my own morals and values and things I vowed to never accept again. I had a birthday party shortly after that and All of my friends were there. He came and spent the entire time on the other side of the room talking to some random girl. When I approached him….he gave me the look of the devil. He then later after walking away snatched my arm and starting berating me like a child and telling me I humiliated him in front of everybody and then left my party and left me with the tab to pay (that he agreed to pay for) To make a very very already painful story short…things continue to go down hill from there. The mask was coming off more and more. And the honey moon phase was crashing quickly to an end. I knew what was happening but just could not believe it. I wanted so bad to get back the man who came back to me confessing and pouring his heart to me that I was the one. Based on all of the things I had read before on the forum, I knew all of the signs. But I still just could not believe that he could possibly do this to me AGAIN. Not after getting both of our families and now my friends involve. Although I saw and felt the signs around me, I still needed to see with my own eyes…..the hard core proof. I begin to check his phone (which by now he has put a security code back on). The things I read and saw on his phone beyond disgusted me. I knew things had gotten bad but never did I think this man was this evil. I read and saw things that blew my mind. He never stopped contacting ex’s and OW. He had sooooooooooooo many inappropriate conversations with various women, some I knew, some I never heard of. He took a picture of himself having sex with another woman and texted it to his best friend ( who is also a narc) bragging about it. He had sex with some woman I never heard of and other attempts to have sex with other women. and then he would brag to his best friend about how easy it was out here!! He had dinner with a ex ( the one who he claimed he blocked, the one who he vowed he would NEVER date again or anyone like her) and told her how he was having problems in his relationship with me and how he gave me his ALL an ALL and he has never done all what he has done for me or any woman ever before and I just shit on him. And proceeded to tell her that he just wanted to get back to being himself again and having fun and that he wanted her to be a huge part of his life again but he’s scared to let someone close in again after I have hurt him. He continue to have inappropriate text covo’s with the other ex who he cheated on me with repeatedly…pretty much telling her the same thing. By the time I finish reading all of the disgusting things in his phone, I threw up, and the room was spinning. I beat the wall and started screaming asking myself how did I allow this to happen to me again. When I confronted him about it, he tried to break up with me before I could break up with him. He turned into the devil himself, he lashed out at me, broke my phone, threw my things down the stairs, pushed me in my face, bloodied my nose…he turned into Satin himself. At this point I refused to go out with out a fight ( I guess that’s the jersey in me ), I cursed him out from a through z and told him how I went through his phone and knew EVERYTHING and that he was F**** liar. I cannot even repeat the things I said to him. He tried to flip the script on me and had the audacity to blame me for pushing him to do ALL the things he did. For the first two days after this happened I was in shell shock and could not stop crying to save my life!!! He manipulated my mind so much until I actually started thinking I must have done something to deserve this. But once the fog lifted and I realized what this man has truly done to me again, I sent him my final goodbye letter and told him exactly how I felt about him and that I know he is nothing but a NARCISSIT BASTARD!. I have been angrier at myself than I have at him. Angry at myself for not listening to the still voice inside, to not staying NC, to not staying on this forum and continuing to strengthen myself …because just when you think you’re strong….you realize you’re not!!!! I’ve had to forgive myself and let go of the anger. I have forgiven him for what he has done to me again…just so I can be able to move on. I now know with out a shadow of doubt that he is truly sick and will never change! He came back into my life and mirrored ALL the qualities I wanted in a mate and pretended to be my soul mate. I read and heard everybody’s story on here and thought maybe my story would be different.
Unless we learn the mistakes of our past, we are doomed to repeat them!!!

Had I stayed NC, I would be in much happier place of peace. Now I find myself in this dreadful stated of gloom of pain again. But in the midst of this GOD IS GOOD. He spared me yet again. He spared me from marrying a man who surely would have destroyed me. He allowed me to come this forum prior and learn so that when if it happened again , I was able to recognize the signs quickly and confront them rather than staying for months and months and months and years trying to change someone who will never change. My heart is so broken! But I’m starting the steps over again, continuing to pray, and take one day at a time.

Please believe everyone on here when they say contact = pain….don’t learn the hard way like I did.
God Bless all of you!

Aug 14 - 10AM
Totally Stunned
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Brokenacc

Aug 14 - 9AM
Hunter
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Sometimes learning the hard

Aug 14 - 8AM
Katrenee
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My story of breaking no contact

Aug 14 - 3AM
lavendar19
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I want to hug you. First of

Aug 14 - 10AM (Reply to #38)
Katrenee
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2nd chance, cortisol, and stress

Aug 14 - 9AM (Reply to #37)
brokenacc
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lavendar 19

Aug 13 - 9PM
IncognitoBurrito
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Read your post

Aug 14 - 8AM (Reply to #35)
brokenacc
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Incognito Burito

Aug 13 - 5PM
brinamarie
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the good news is you will

Aug 13 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
brokenacc
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Brinamarie

Aug 12 - 6AM
Pearl430
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wake up call

Aug 12 - 9AM (Reply to #31)
brokenacc
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thanks

Aug 11 - 8PM
brokenacc
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Encouraged

Aug 11 - 6PM
losing the battle
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Hun, thank you so much

Aug 11 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Deidre99
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''God meant this to be a

Aug 11 - 7PM (Reply to #26)
brokenacc
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losing the battle

Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #27)
losing the battle
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You make me cry

Aug 11 - 6PM
fallingfoward
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brokennacc...

Aug 11 - 7PM (Reply to #24)
brokenacc
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You are more than welcome!

Aug 11 - 5PM
Deidre99
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No advice, just all my love,

Aug 11 - 2PM
Warrior
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I have a similar story. Broke

Aug 11 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Journey
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Ya Warrior, I did it too. The

Journey on...

Aug 11 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Warrior
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Same to me, worst devastation

Aug 11 - 2PM
Journey
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Wow, he's as disordered as

Journey on...

Aug 11 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
brokenacc
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Thanks Warrior and Journey

Aug 11 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
Warrior
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They don't give a shit. It's

Aug 11 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Deidre99
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It's not how many times we

Aug 11 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
brokenacc
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Diedre

Aug 11 - 8AM
Lacey
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Thank you so much

Aug 11 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
brokenacc
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Lacey