Did anyone get the silent treatment?

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#1 Jun 27 - 1PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Did anyone get the silent treatment?

Hi. First of all thanks for reading. I have posted my story on share your story. Q. What's worse than a narcissist?
A. An intelligent narcissist.

What I can't understand was the silence. It was like a wall. She would sometimes be just staring, looking worried, distant, and playing with this comfort blanket that she would sleep with with every night around her neck.
It was as though the lights are on but no one there. When she was depressed she would just clam up, wouldn't talk about what was bothering her. We never argued and I think she was afraid she might reveal her true self. Sometimes I felt i was talking to a brick wall she just seemed uninterested.

Any comments or experiences would be most welcome. As I have only just discovered what was happening an learnt the awful truth 2 weeks ago.

I think this is a great site.

Aug 8 - 2PM
terri
terri's picture

Imabloke, This sounds like

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Jul 2 - 4PM
ewa
ewa's picture

opposite

I would rather ask: Is there anyone who didn't get the silent treatment? When was reading the stories on this forum i figured out that the silent treatment is one of the most often used tools to control us. How can you solve any problem without the constructive discussion? For me sounds impossible. My N was giving me the silent treatment so that I feel guilty and say sorry. Also to control me. And he usually used it when i said sth what was not comfortable for him. Like for example when i mentioned other girls he was flirting with. Before we moved in together he was not answering my calls to punish me.. So to answer your question - yes i got a silent treatment. And in my opinion is very common.
Jul 2 - 8PM (Reply to #63)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

My dumbass N

would flat out tell me he was punishing me. I guess I did not jump high enough or kiss his ass the right way or wait...maybe I just breathed ?!?!?! He is such an asshole and I just realized that today is his birthday !!
Jul 2 - 5PM (Reply to #57)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

silent treatment...

It just seemed strange to me. I hadn't done anything wrong or perhaps i had and this was her way of punishing me. Say for example in the morning we would be in bed, she would sometimes just be silent, staring into space twiddling this comfort blanket... could be guilt... trying to think of a way to dump me.. i don't know but she wasn't communicating and i'm glad i'm out of it... But its obviously a trait in these people...
Jul 3 - 9PM (Reply to #61)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Silent philosophical treatment

My ex-P was a self-proclaimed Wittgenstein expert, yet he wouldn't discuss Wittgenstein with me. He'd claim that I didn't take him seriously, so I was always on the defensive. He'd tell me to stop smiling, read without emotion--and yes, I was smitten. I'd even say,"If I didn't take you seriously as a philosopher, why am I asking you philosophical questions?" It turns out he was talking philosophy to his circle of male students, but not me, because I was emotional and female. He treated male students respectfully and female students with condescension. When I told my ex-P that I had read the Wittgenstein bio "Duty of Genius",he dismissed it as "gossipy." Turns out it's considered one of the most definitive bios on the philosopher. His basic message was "you're not smart enough, I can't talk about it with you because you're not an initiate." I'd show him my essays-he was my essay advisor for several years--and he'd be retentive about paragraph spacing,but not the content. When I mentioned I'd go to another professor since he seemed bored with me--he got defensive and said "no,I like reading your writing." He wanted the NS--most students instinctively disliked him. I was one of the few who tolerated him. Despite his "guidance",I ironically got good grades in my classes. He was trashing me to the other professors behind my back. Yet I still got a good transcript. We have to remember that Ns/Ps are quite good at smearing people. How I survived that--a miracle.
Aug 8 - 2PM (Reply to #62)
terri
terri's picture

Hi Susan32, I haven't seen

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Jul 2 - 5PM (Reply to #58)
ewa
ewa's picture

I do not really think that

I do not really think that she was thinking about the way to dump you. They know how to dump and they will do it mostly when they have another source of supply. Please, do not think the N will think the same way like normal people. I was always surprised with the strange reactions of my N. Sometimes i could hardly understand the way he behaved. Remember silent treatment was her tool to control you.
Aug 8 - 2PM (Reply to #60)
Peacenlove
Peacenlove's picture

Silent Treatment or Dump?

Jul 3 - 1PM (Reply to #59)
better off
better off's picture

Exactly... they don't think

Exactly... they don't think like normal people. MRI's PROVE that. That do not have normal emotions, etc. One thing she definitely was NOT feeling was GUILT. HA! And as you said, ewa, they don't have to figure out how to dump anyone, they just do it, and never look back. If she was "thinking" about anything it was probably her next move to hook her boss. And yes, silent treatment makes the perpetrator feel very powerful refusing to acknowledge you while you grow more and more upset about it.
Jun 28 - 5PM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

Silence & Stalking

My NH would give me the silent treatment for ANY reason. If he had a bad work day (usually signaling that he'd gotten reamed for doing something defiant...yet again! Predictable)- I got the silent treatment. I could deal w/the silence - since the only area he was truly knowledgeable was body building. Whatta convo, right?! Zzzz! But the N would blatantly ignore the baby - laying right next to him crying, while I'm washing dishes or in another room. My family said he's not to be trusted & advised against leaving baby alone in the same room w/him. He knew ignoring the baby angered me & would result in me becoming confrontational & ultimately slapping him. That was giving him my attention. Bad attention is after all, is still supply. Once I figured he was intentionally provoking this chaos, I'd tell him to leave the home (go to the barracks) & advise his Sgt that his presence was creating a hostile environment. The N would pack his things & leave willingly. Yet, he returned every other day to get something. T-shirt. Dental floss. A toilet paper square. Anything! Never once acknowledging me or the baby. He was stalking us. Taking something personal of mine with every visit (gaslighting). Tossing it in a dumpster away from the home. It gradually got worse (perhaps I'll tell my story one day). My therapist contacted his superiors & told them she'd advised me to get a protective order. I did just that. The young MP officer taking the report asked if my NH had been in any trouble on post. Not to my knowledge. He said when his boss pulled up the N's photo - he's said, "Mmmmmm oh yea" - as if to say he recognized the N & not for anything good. No surprise. Probably got busted with 'GI Joe' in the car at their rendezvous spot (the gym)...performing felatio! LMFAO!!!! Anyway, I still feel the 'hovering' - even with the Atlantic Ocean between us. I know his patterns. A piece of mail from an unrecognized address in unrecognized penmanship. An email from an unrecognized email address. They are relentless in their efforts. And so am I in keeping him away from my child! I am Mama Bear...hear me roar...and watch me mutilate!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 28 - 3PM
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

do they stalk? Does a bear sh*t in the woods!

My God do they stalk - the only time I have ever been stalked in my life was by the ex psychopath. Not a scary stalking but 50 phone calls in a row - non-stop texts - when I blocked his number once he went online to my mobile provider and tried to hack into my account to allow his calls! One time I was in Mexico on business out with a female in a no service area - he called my boss at the resort got him out of a dinner he was hosting with 150 people to ask if he knew where I was - he almost called the Mexican police! It was always - please just give me a minute - I promise one minute and I will leave you alone forever. Never happened - he'd just call again. He was actually quite lazy in terms of physically stalking - never wanted to drive his fat ass to my office or home - just threatened. They cannot stand to be ignored - that's why if it is early in the NC stage - sometimes it is just easier to talk and bore them to death with your life (no questions about them or you as a couple at all!) It really is not so much that they want to speak to you, they just need to know they are not being ignored. I hope your ex psycho does not stalk you - you can always threaten a restraining order - if she does. I am sure she wouldn't want that on her record.
Jun 28 - 5PM (Reply to #54)
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Agreed... Mine stalks me in stealth mode via the internet and I have had to delete everything. A month or two after we broke up I had an anonymous personals ad on the internet and he emailed me with the link and "how is this working out for you?". I know he's out there lurking and it majorly gives me the heebee jeebees.
Jun 28 - 4PM (Reply to #51)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Yep

I forgot to say that mine also went and got a Facebook after we broke up (he NEVER wanted one before) just because he heard that I got one after we broke up. I blocked mine and made it private. Now all of a sudden his friends are asking to be my friends on there. Of course. I havent gotten the frequent calls and texts yet but it has only been 2 days of NC. We will see what happens. Wish me luck! And I wish you luck as well!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 28 - 4PM (Reply to #52)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

This is all a bit depressing re: stalking, coming back

I wish you luck... and i do know what you mean about 'feeling' these people. Sometimes i talk to to her friends and i don't want to say too much about me because i know it will get back to her. Am sure she slagged me off about i didn't do this or that.. and i've never said one bad word against her. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words - or lies. Much luck
Jun 28 - 5PM (Reply to #53)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Destroying reputations

One of my college friends (we've reunited, virtually, interestingly) said that my ex-P's fellow professors avoided him and despised him because of the way he treated me. Apparently, he had been badmouthing me to his colleagues... miraculously, I got GOOD grades and got fair treatment from them. He could've caused A LOT of damage. For all his insults and lies... I managed to get a good GPA. And he had been sabotaging me the whole time. Yes, I got Cs in math, but math was never my strong suit.
Jun 28 - 2PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Thanks

First of all thanks for sharing your experiences with me. This is all been very helpful to me to understand whats been going on. One thing worries me about you guys saying 'they come back once they know you've moved on'. She won't come back will she? I told her i wouldn't have her back. And so far its been NC but i'm only 2 weeks into it. But she's a strange one and I have a horrible feeling I'm going a knock on the door at 2.00 in the morning or something like that now. Oh God i couldn't take anymore crap.
Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #45)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Sure fire way for No Contact

This works!!! Next time they call ask them for money - for anything big - ask for $5000 or $10,000 - once they realize all you want is money they will be gone! P.S. If you do actually get the money (Hah!) you can use it for therapy - they should be paying for it anyway.
Jul 2 - 7PM (Reply to #49)
LetFreedomRing
LetFreedomRing's picture

HAHAHAHA!!! LMAO!! I swear

HAHAHAHA!!! LMAO!! I swear if he ever comes back in the picture (yes he has been stalking me for 8 weeks...I have a restraining order now) I will continuously ask to borrow money. Thanks and keep ur head up guys and gals! True love is not chaotic, in any sense of the word. Blessings!!
Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #46)
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Yes that would work

Yes that would work. I come to realize also that you don't even have to ask them for money, just ask them to be there for you like emotional support i.e. you had a bad day and just want to talk. They will be gone just as quick because its not about them.
Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #47)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Isnt that horrible?

Isnt that horrible?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 28 - 6PM (Reply to #48)
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Yes it is

Yes it is rainbow, and when that happened to me that was my "enough is enough" moment, and I immediately became indifferent to him.
Jun 28 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

imabloke

I am in no way an expert at this stuff. I just started all of this myself, BUT from everything that I had read is that they all come back. Telling her that you wont take her back means nothing to a real N. In fact it may be more of a challenge for her. They say that you always want what you cant have. Well take that and then multiply it for a mentally ill person. She will eventually stop when she hits a dead end with you over and over again, but she will probably try for awhile. They also say that all of the ex Ns are hiding under a rock just waiting for you to "forget" what they have done to you. They are patient. Just about 3 weeks ago I told mine that I wanted no reason to ever see him or talk to him again, he said "you are telling me!". He told me how he didnt want to see me or deal with me ever again and I felt the same way. Well now he is back to asking me to come over, breaking in and stealing personal stuff so that he has a reason to see me, "forgetting" to give me certain things, having his friends "stop" by my house unannounced, etc. Just be prepared for anything, ok?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Do they stalk??

I've been stalked twice before. Yes it can happen to blokes as well, funny obbsesive letters, all sorts of shit. God knows why perhaps these girls felt i was playing hard to get or something. I dunno i made it clear i didn't want a relationship. It wasn't that scarey but i did leave the country. And the second time i was about 60 miles away from the stalker.. but she, my now exN lives only a mile away. They don't stalk do they?.. surely they just move to another NS? God i want to be able to sleep at night now shes gone. This all sounds like Soames from Forsyte Saga! I just want to be left alone. She has been back once.
Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #41)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

They might just go away but.......

I cant speak for everyone. But I believe that mine stalks. He has also been back once and now is asking me to hang out again this time. I know that he has other NS so Im sure that if I turn him down enough he will just go away. However, last time he drove by my house. This time he drives by my office, has broken in, has been to my house just lurking, he also just moved out of our house to a house right by my office. I could just be being paranoid but there are times that I "feel" him around. If there is anything that I have learned from this board it is to listen to your instincts.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 28 - 3PM (Reply to #42)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Thanks for your advice

I think i just need to relax.. she was never violent but she knows what buttons to press... If she was on my doorstep tears etc. i couldn't slam the door in her face i just couldn't do it. No matter what she has done to me. Anyway that aint gonna happen, shes gone now. I'll stay away and No contact. I just want to move on. This person is bad for me.
Jul 2 - 4PM (Reply to #43)
better off
better off's picture

whoah...

Yeah, I'd be talking to a therapist about this... or you're ripe for the next psycho that comes along with a hardluck story. I have a good friend in the middle of a divorce with a narc woman and he is so the type that has to save people. You need to work on your own boundaries before you get involved with another user. Even my psycho said his psycho wife was like "a kitten with a broken leg" to him. Well, he probably made that up, but still.
Jul 2 - 5PM (Reply to #44)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Therapy

I have seen a therapist for a while but it was before i knew i was dealing with someone like this... I have seen my doctor and i hope to have some CBT soon and i'll take it from there. But I do feel that perhaps i'm sending out signals that attract women like this. But at the moment i'm not interested in dating, not until i feel i'm back to my old self again...
Jun 28 - 12PM
Amy
Amy's picture

On day 4

Yes - my fiance' stopped communicating with me on Wednesday last week. We live 1 mile apart in the same neighborhood. I have not received a text or a call. In the past I would call him and beg him to talk to me. I would try to "make things right" even if I had not done anything wrong. I left him a year ago, and he would come back every time I was on a date or moving on. We would be back together for a week, and then he wold get upset with me and disappear. Then he would show up just as unexpectedly as he disappeared. Total mind-f*ck! This time I am taking the opportunity to get out while I can! I am hoping to stay strong and just ignore him if/when he shows back up.
Jul 2 - 9AM (Reply to #36)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Amy

I just read your post about the N disappearing a week or so ago and am wondering how this is going for you. Mine insisted on Saturday that he was going to take me out to dinner this week, said, "Baby, no more fighting" and "I love you." On Tuesday, I asked when he was thinking about going to dinner and he berated me for being impossible to be around, demanding, and dramatic. (?) Well, the next morning I wrote him a note saying, basically, "You win. I knew better than to stay when things were obviously over in your heart long ago. I wish you well and I love you." No response since then. Absolutely nothing. I did send a few texts yesterday saying the usual: can't you even acknowledge this or agree with me or say anything? Nothing. I know I'm not going to get what I want: that closure that's so elusive. and I'm wondering if you two are still not talking at all and how you feel about it.
Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #37)
Peacenlove
Peacenlove's picture

"Dramatic"