Did you discover things about your ex N after you broke up? (that you did not know while dating)

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Aug 25 - 12PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Oh, yes. I'm still

Oh, yes. I'm still discovering things 15 months after the D&D'd. This was a person I was with for 16 years, loved and thought I knew very well, and he was a complete, utter fraud. Today he's wearing such a different illusion of himself that I don't recognize him (nor do I want to - lol). The last several months we were together, I was monitoring xnh's cell phone records because I had a gut feeling that he was up to something. When I looked at his records each month, he had an average of 250 incoming, 150 outgoing text messages, about a 100 calls, and an average of 15 photo messages each month to a number in his home state which I did not recognize. I was on the same account as xnh, and I HAD noticed that his cell phone was becoming more and more astronomical each month. We could NOT afford the bill. When I confronted xnh about all of this, he told me that they were all to an old (male) buddy that we used to work with. I told him, "Bullshit. I don't believe you." Of course, then xnh became all "wounded" acting and went into a rage because *I* "just don't trust him." Maybe that's because xnh isn't trustworthy? lol. Then after xnh's D&D, I started noticing a woman that kept posting on all of xnh's family member's Facebook pages. Her comments were always overly "familiar", and I finally started realizing this woman had the same first name as an old girlfriend that he cheated on his first wife with....hmmmmm. When I did a google search for her name, it came up with a business that she was running out of her house using her cell phone which (ta-da!!) was the EXACT same number to which xnh had been making so many calls. She was ALSO still firmly married with two teenaged children. The month after xhn had dumped me, his OW congratulated his youngest daughter on Facebook for "finally getting rid of the 'OW' (me, the W-I-F-E of 8 years) and that she was just SO happy they were moving into a new place. Yippee.". B*tch. SHE was the OW. I then blocked OW, xnh, and his entire family when I saw pictures of her and xnh all cuddled up on a blanket. Let me tell you all, I was just SO very tempted to mail those photos, and xnh's cell phone bills to OW's husband, at the time, and mess up HER marriage. Then I decided that she's really not worth the postage stamp, and xnh is not worth the sweat on my ass. Good riddance to bad rubbish. rofl. In the photos, xnh and OW were cuddling right next to xnh's narc mommy at the family picnic, and I realized that the old, narcissistic cow had been providing a "love nest" all along for xnh and OW. What kind of "man" let's his mommy pick out his girlfriend while he's married? Xhn is almost 50 years old. Another lovely (not) thing that I've "discovered" since xnh left is how much he was bad-mouthing me and discussing our sex life with our co-workers and friends. It's made it uncomfortable for me to interact with some of my fellow employees. I'm always wondering in the back of my head, "So, I wonder what xnh has told THIS person about me." The masterpiece "party bonus" that xnh left me to discover after he dumped me was that lovely little STD (the same exact one that his first ex-wife had as well). I never cheated ONCE in our entire relationship, and for a person that claims HE never cheated either, it sure is amazing to me how THAT could have possibly happened. Not. Xnh was screwing OW, his first ex-wife, and me at the same time. Well, now he can just go stick his dirty dick into OW while he's NOT cheating on her, too. I'm sure HER husband will be thrilled when he finds out. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Aug 25 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

holy cow...!! we need a shock

holy cow...!! we need a shock and awe emoticon! :=P I'm so sorry you endured such horrible treatment and betrayal, mystwoman. You're incredibly strong. Norman Bates comes to mind when I read your story. lol ''Nooorman...nooorman!!!'' Creepy. And the OW sounds perhaps like a narc herself, to go to his daughter and say that on FB???? That's crazy. Glad you are rid of him!
Aug 25 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Thanks, Deidre. Yes, I count

Thanks, Deidre. Yes, I count my blessing every day knowing that I'm rid of him. My life is SO much better now. :) Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Aug 25 - 9AM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Oh Yes

At month three of the six month relationship... I had a red flag and at month 6 I went thru his phone and confirmed everything... Made it really easy to go NC.. Plus, I had lunch with the ex wife. That was the final decesion for me... One of his red flags, I stopped by his house after work, mind you I was invited... Must be invited, can't just stop by... I was there about an hour... He got a text message, five minutes later another text message... He started to get restless... Then another text message... He says to me how much longer are you staying? I said I guess I am leaving you apparantly have company coming and I left... I knew deep down, he was having another girl over... Other red flags, I was never allowed to be at his house during the day... Someone may see my car(Ie: OW). I always had to park my car in the garage... He had slept with 4 other girls that I know of, while we were together. One of those girls, he was keeping a relationship going the same time as ours... So, he was juggling two relationships and throwing a few one night stands with old supply in the mix... Sick Bastard!!! I learned that he was a pathalogical lier also, at about month three... You can only believe about a third of whatever comes out of his mouth... He's a true loser!!!
Aug 24 - 7PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

For sure

I became good friends with his first wife and she told me all sorts of stories, that he was physically abusive when she was pregnant, that he did not show up for his oldest son's wedding, the spotlight was not going to be on HIM, his third wife told me a lot of things to, how he stalked her and called her fatso, tried to get her to lose her hairdressers license, put sugar in her gas tank, on and on, a real sicko................
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

onwithmylife

holy cow...thank goodness you're away from this psycho! you know, what makes them do these insane things. don't answer that! lol we'll never truly know...
Aug 25 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Deidre40

We will never know, but I would bet my last dollar on dear ole mommy....................
Aug 24 - 12PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Oh yea...

I found 50 pages of love letters from an older woman he used to know. I also found email to a woman that had many flirtatous comments. One email he sent had a love poem in spanish by a famous poet. Eventually she asked him why he was pursueing. He has a black hole for a heart and it won't matter how many woman he has, he will never feel loved.
Aug 24 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

a black hole for a heart. i

a black hole for a heart. i like that. sad, but true. thanks for sharing. i read what everyone's written today at work...and i can't believe it, really. we thought they were bad when we were dating them. lol if i had known all what i discovered? i dunno. i probably wouldn't have even made it three months. anyways, thank you for sharing your stories. it means a lot to me to know we're here for each other, and there's something oddly comforting knowing we're not alone.
Aug 24 - 12PM
gypsii
gypsii's picture

Absolutely

Absolutely I found a list a mile long of thing I never know about. Babies, bi-sexual girlfriends, counterfeiting,and on and on. I learned some of this first hand from friends, immediate family and past partners once I threw him out. They compartmentalize everything which is why they get away with some of what they do, keep you away from anything that might give you a clue that your gut is right on, then they spin you... same drill, different girl, none stop.
Aug 25 - 3AM (Reply to #6)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yes gypsii

Well said! mine sounded like he was in the death chamber after he realized he had screwed up and publicly flaunted pics on FB of him with a hoe - that I saw when we had not even officially broke off a 10 year relationship after he moved away. They love to keep you in the dark with their dirty secrets - mine needs to go back and retake Player 101 - don't flaunt hoes on FB if you are still trying to lie and hold on to old supply! That was my first glimpse of his "other world" - nice!
Aug 24 - 11AM
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

Did I eve!

I found out lots of things after my divorce. Be glad you never married your narc. I was married for 8 years and I found out many many things about him during our separation and then after our divorce. We separated due to his affairs and yes plural affairs. I found out during separation there had actually been 4 affairs. I found out he had an addiction to porn, I found many many many lies. After divorce found out he started another affair about 4-6 months before our divorce. Found out that during our two year separation he was still seeing and contacting affair partner number 4. Found out he was telling people many lies about me, he basically was repeating the stories I had heard about wife number 2 to me. Same stories just swapped the names, he of course is always the innocent one in his version of things. He basically had a whole second life I knew nothing about. Most days (9 out of 10) I am so glad to rid of him. Sometimes dissounce sets in and I miss him but all I have to do is get on this website and I remember who he is. Just one sick LIAR! Joy2me
Aug 24 - 9AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I found out so many things.

I found out so many things. Most of all I found out that there are no lengths to which he wouldnt go to cover his own sins. .he was and is a horrible coward who gets off on games.
Aug 24 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

It’s funny you say this…there

It’s funny you say this…there were ways in which he dealt with me after the breakup, that I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing. But, on some level, before dating him, I knew he had issues. Most people don’t go through 4 failed marriages by the time they are 36 yrs old. So, I knew better. But, after we broke up…I got the strong sense, that he would have eventually started cheating on me. Just something about the things I discovered. It doesn’t hurt me anymore. But, if anything, these epiphanies that happened…showed me I made the right decision in ending things. Even moreso. Thanks for your comment.
Sep 20 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

I found out so many lies was

I found out so many lies was married when we met, I didnt know until after we married gave me std Slept with my friend and laughed about it with his ex wife Has a 15 year old son whilst married with ow who he left when she was 8 months pregant Left for ow whilst blaming me for being critical the list goes on]# Lied to our children about it all making out i am mad and twisted and he is innocent victim Who the fuck was i married to?