Did you ever really feel "SAFE" with him or her?

As much as I missed his psycho self over the LOOOONG holiday period-the truth is, I was never safe with him. I got sick one time and went to the hospital-he was nowhere to be found. Then he calls the next day and proclaims "You get sick an awful lot-I hope you are OK." What a weird message that was. Narcs despise anyone else getting attention, and if one of their family members get sick, they will make sure they get sick-"er" than the family member. His driving was insane, major death wish-and I am fairly sure that is how he will "go out" of this world. I just hope he does not take anyone with him. I seem to take a lot of abuse but when it involves inncocent people, I will draw the line. I basically did. Our one and only mega fight-where he started gas lighting and trying to marginalize me -- was about ethics. Anyway I envisioned my face all over his dash board if I remained with him. I have been with men who loved me, no man who loves you would put you at risk. So, worse, if a Narc does not love himself, why would you think he would protect you? They are so busy charting, mapping and configuring their minute by minute supply needs-no way they have time to worry about anyone else. Screw safety, when we cannot even get an honest answer from them. But great question and probably the most important one. Not just "safety" from others, but we are NOT safe from the actual Narc. I read many women end up on drugs and anti-depressants and so on. So, our mental health is not safe either. The answer is an all encompassing HELL NO-I NEVER WAS SAFE and in fact, JUST THE OPPOSITE, I was always at a lot more risk. Physically, mentally and financially.

...it was something that always bothered me too. * He tested my strength when we first met; I thought it was odd. * When we would walk, I would move to the inside of the street because men typically walk on the outside and he would make it a point to switch. * When I wanted to walk away from a particularly bad crowd of people, he would force us to walk through them. * And once when we were at a club, a fight broke out and I went to stand behind him and he pushed me into the crowd. And in each instance....he laughed. Your gut never lies. I'll never mistrust it again...

I married the N at 19; I was still in many ways a child. I’d always enjoyed horror films and still had a fear of the dark at the time. As I grew older those fears never fully diminished. Shortly after marrying we moved overseas. I remember that I didn’t sleep nights the first 6 months we were there. Our apartment was above a train station and a tree nursery – thanks to the nursery we had very large spiders that only came out at night. I developed the habit (after each night of marathon sex) of reading all night, going to sleep when N got up for work, and sleeping until just before he arrived home for lunch. I thought it was due to the spiders, but I’m no longer sure. Another hold-over from childhood was my irrational fear of werewolves. I know it’s silly, and I don’t actually believe in the phenomenon, however, I couldn’t shake this fear through the entirety of my marriage. I can even remember a few nights very long ago lying awake starring at the sleeping N looking for signs that he might be a werewolf. I know I’m making myself out to be absolutely batty here and these are not thoughts I shared then or now, but I retained my fear of the dark and of things that go bump in the night long after childhood. N traveled for work from time to time. I would dread those scary nights alone, but was always surprised by how well and unafraid I felt. I attributed it to a “momma lion” effect. I was the only responsible adult in the home and needed to be a grown up and take care of my son. I would, of course ensure that all of the doors were locked, the house secured, I would bring a phone to my room in case of emergency and I would normally sleep just fine. N hanged himself in my back shed 21 months ago. I still don’t like total darkness (last time I was in total darkness, I banged my head on my on my bead and ended up with a knot on my forehead). I no longer have irrational fears. I often forget to lock-up before bed. I NEVER suspect anyone of being a werewolf. I am also now confidant that there is no such thing as ghosts because if it were even remotely possible, N would be still be trying to control me and ruin my life from beyond the grave. I think our bodies recognize the danger N’s pose to us even when we are so deep into CD that we don’t realize it ourselves. Our most basic instincts, our primordial being senses the disorder and our bodies react. We become afraid. We are afraid of foolish things that can not hurt us and we cling to our abuser not knowing that he/she is our biggest threat. My soul recognized the monster inside him, he was the shape shifter of my childhood nightmares after all; a werewolf disguised as my knight in shining armor

In the year we dated, I was almost always uncomfortable sleeping with him. It was awful. My son was afraid he would do something to me in the end as he didn't trust him at all.

When we had a mouse, he jumped on the chair (really) I used to say to him if I was ever put in jail for a crime i didnt commit you would be gone in a sec (when we would see that on news shows) I really knew he wouldnt defend me. Once I said I want to feel like you are the protector in the family and he said.....why do I have to do that role, your being sexist.

there were those times that something felt off. I remember one time we took a tour of the Southwest, & we were on some backroads in New Mexico. I suddenly had this gripping thought that he could kill & discard me & no one would ever know.

there were those times that something felt off. I remember one time we took a tour of the Southwest, & we were on some backroads in New Mexico. I suddenly had this gripping thought that he could kill & discard me & no one would ever know.

Nope, never fell safe with xN!!! Glad that you brought it up because when I realized that he was a good for nothing, I also realized that he would never stand by me to protect me or defend me like a real man would do!! When I was at his house, I would double check the locks of the house and had already created a plan in my mind, just in case someone would walk in on us!!! OMG!! My guts were screaming at me the whole time! Lack of trust and confidence does that you!! But happy to report that I am my own person now and after 4 months of NC, I really don't have that fear anymore!!! Cheers to you strong ladies!!

Talking about cars I had an accident one summers evening last year when my bonnet flew open and it nearly decapitated me as i had the roof down. I called my narc husband as i was in shock and he screamed down the phone,'what the hell do you want now'? what a prick...and every sad event in my life when i needed him, like when my beloved brother was dying he was not there for me infact he has never been there for me...where else i have always been there for him sometimes forcing my eyes open at night just listening to all his problems...he goes from one drama to another...hell how did i do it...i must be a saint!xx

about things that couples do for each other (footrubs, etc)...this was very early in the relationshit. I asked him if he'd jump in front of a car to push me out of the way. He looked aghast and said, "no way in hell". LOL I was heartbroken when he said it because I would have done that for him without hesitation. I can laugh about it now cause I'm sure he was thinking, "have you f-ing lost your mind?". At the end, I was stress eating non-stop and couldn't even sleep next to him. That's how UNSAFE I felt when he was around.

I have been out with my N when strangers/men would pay me attention right in front of my N. They would comment and wink about how nice looking I am. I wouldn't instigate anything in any way with these strangers, but my N would get in an outrage and blame me because other men would stare or flirt. But, it was o.k. when the N wanted to flirt or bring attention to himself. If I complained about that, he would deny it or say...O.K. we are going home now. I am done with you...It is always O.K. for them to do things but we better never question it..We can be innocent and still get blamed if someone makes us happy or thinks we are attractive..can't win. How can someone feel safe emotionally with this treatment? If they mistreat you, for their behavior that you don't like, or mistreat you for other people's compliments of you, you are never free at all. That is not feeling safe either. They may help you if you have car trouble. They want to be admired for what they can do for us sometimes, because they know that they can't be loved for the way they treat us. Although, they still feel entitled to get our self sacrificial giving! My N didn't run out the door. He told me to leave his house, which made me feel worse..like I was some child to be discarded with. You only feel safe "false sense of safe" if the N is getting any kind of attention, money, etc. If he is getting something in return such as NS from his actions or deeds that he does for you...