DId you ex admit to you he has a problem?

44 posts / 0 new
Last post
Jul 12 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
naive46
naive46's picture

He said "I'm not very good at relationships"

Then he said the women he wants don't want him and the women he doesn't want, want to be with him. I found that interesting. It could be construed many ways. In the Narc sense, once a woman "wants" him, they are no longer a challenge and he doesn't want them. He told me once that a woman slept with him on the first date. They had made future weekend plans but he blew her off. She was pissed at him but his response to her was she shouldn't have slept with him on the first date. What a loser! He texted "sorry" to her. yes, that was also the last text he sent to me as well. Ironic. My Narc knows he's not relationship material and told me he wanted a companion. I find it strange for him to expect a woman would be his companion and then sit back and let him f&ck as many OW as he wants. He does that now but his current girlfriend has no idea. (I only knew all of this as I'm married.)
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"I have problems relating to people"

The ex-Psych prof said that early on. It was also an understatement. He'd constantly accuse me of being a Narc... but when pressed, he said "I struggle with my narcissism." He said he liked reading Tolstoy because Tolstoy's novels are full of Narcs. He'd say "People think I'm mean." On a darker note, he hinted towards being put in a psychiatric hospital when he was younger. I doubt that's a lie... he said his utter lack of emotions scared his parents, so they put him there.
Jul 12 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Maky1

good points, I also think they let out little drops at a time about themselves and who they really are,not the false persona or mask they wear for the outside world. Like my ex narc said to me ,'here we are two losers', then 'there are things about me you do not know", 'I am nuts aren't I', ' you need to find someone else and I need to live by myself' all things i listened to but did not HEAR, espically the last comment which left me with a pit in my stomach as I still loved him at that point, plus all the years i put into making the relationship work. It really hurt when he said that.they are trying very insidiously to let you know who they are , all the while hoping you will fall in love with a monster,not the nice fellow you met,which I believe they may know they are....let me know what you think of what I said..............
Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
cindy222
cindy222's picture

hi maky1

You hit the nail on the head where you say..."they try very insidiously to let you know who they are" sooooooooooo very true. Mine did that, and would say things like, '" who would want me now that I am older and have a pot belly" Bloody hell, he was as skinny as!!!! Yes I also agree that they hope you fall in love with the monster. I guess thats what my ex meant when he kept saying, " I wouldn't like him if I knew what he was really like" To me , that is admiting he knows how bad and rotten he can get. So if they know, then why on earth dont they do something about it and sort themselves out and stop hurting woman??? Yes indeed. They know excatly who and what they are, but choose to do nothing about it.
Jul 12 - 3AM
jagged
jagged's picture

Cindy Don't feel stupid

I posted this comment in another post but it feels very relevant here too. Mine was very aware of his self hatred lack of confidence at the beginning, He would say "I don't deserve you, you need someone better, I am so lucky" ..yadi yah ...I am evil you don't know the things that I can think.. Me in my saviour naif arrogance, Would tell him that he was not evil, that he was a beautiful heart and that he shouldn't listen to those voices that told him the contrary, over and over I would nurse him back in to self love and reassure him of the solidity of my love for him. I had to prove that I would stay there through and through there was no time for me and my needs as he suffered so much... but everytime he would regain some strengh he would go off in a arrogant binch "I don't really need you" he wouldn't say it but he would make me feel it. It was clear he needed help and therapy and he promised many times he was going to do it after this or that. I would say I love you so much and he would say "but why?" Then he would blame me for needing therapy.. he would say that he didn't love me enough to make the effort to change.. Further Down the D&D route One day he said to me "I don't know if your love is so strong beyond my understanding or is just like the one of a dog That you beat up and always comes back to his owner" so humiliating... By the end he had called me all sort of insults and degraded me to his level. He said that I was the problem of his life and dissapeared Leaving me in a new city with no friends or family just before Christmas. Yesterday I saw a comment that his new girlfriend put on FB "Different people are different people with different people" And of course I get triggered in my lack of self steem of the PSTD and CD kiks off. Another part of me would like to warn her but I won't. And there is one that it's quite amused to watch the dance developing obviously she is in first step dance, the poor thing... So much I have endure for nothing... It does make us feel stupid because we trusted and trusted, but who is the stupid at the end? Blessings Monte
Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Jagged I could have written

Jagged I could have written your post, it is exactly what I experienced with him. every word! They are all sad sacks of shit.. and not worth a minute more of our time.
Aug 2 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
hryan77
hryan77's picture

jagged

Dear God...mine said so much of the same, I'm so lucky, I don't deserve you etc....I got chills reading your post, it is so similar. They are so cookie cutter
Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
cindy222
cindy222's picture

Hi MOnte

Thank you for your post. AGain, so very true. Mine left me 3 weeks after coming out of a coma. He said he needed to get a life. When he heard that I was getting tested for liver cancer, he wanted to come back and "look after me" hmmmmmmmmm No comment. :)
Jul 12 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
maky1
maky1's picture

Next time someone says,"I

Next time someone says,"I don't deserve you," we should say,"I will take that as a true statement. I want and deserve a guy who wants and deserves me and knows he wants and deserves me because he knows he is a great, loving guy and I am a great, loving girl. see ya." What that girl said is true... different people are different people with different people. but NOT NOT NOT because one woman is better than another or has a magic wand that she can wave and make him be a better man and now those two will now make the fantasy that he built up with you a reality for them. Different people are different people with different people, but in the case of the narc and his new woman--it just means that their dysfunctions might match up better. maybe she is willing tolerate his crap and turn a blind eye. maybe she will never see the truth and live an empty lie while he is doing all kinds of crap behind her back, but she will stay because of fear to be alone. Maybe she is worse than him and is a full-blown psycho herself. Maybe she will fall in love only to find out he is an empty shell of evil. SO don't let that hurt your self esteem. There is no way they will magically be different people as in better and happy and in love. it is NOT possible!!! And also take it as you, too, will be different with a different person. You will be able to love someone who is able to love. You know HE can't. It has pretty much been proven that they just don't change and therapy is so impossible to help them. This poor girl is rationalizing. good luck to her. You know what she is getting involved with. he is the same guy no matter what denial she goes in. Yeah, it's tempting to warn her. but if she is suckered, he will just twist it so that you are the crazy, scorned, hurt ex. It might even turn her on cuz she will think she is winning a wanted man and that she can change him and make him better. A lot of us had warnings slipping from the guy's own mouth and we got sucked in anyway. Best to stay away from checking facebook. People greatly exaggerate their lives on there.
Jul 12 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
jagged
jagged's picture

Different people...

Maky Thanks for your words!! It's so good to find some sanity in the middle of the insanity they leave you to deal with.. The funny thing about it's that a month ago he send me an email saying how much he suffered by not knowing whom he really was as he seamed to be different people for different people!!! Yesterday Thanks to Scoop I was reading this quote by Thomas Sheridan Psychopaths are a different version of themselves for every person they interact with. They also have ‘group personas’ for family, organisational and workplace interaction. and then she writes this... she is probably trying to reassure him via FB or herself.. but she doesn't know what's coming... yes definetly next time "when somebody tells you who they are believe them"!!! M. Angelou Peace for you all x
Jul 12 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
badjer
badjer's picture

I agree. I have been

I agree. I have been tortured by thoughts that he will be the Dream Man with another, better, smarter more self-confident woman and that I was the problem all along. In reality, a leopard does not change its spots and if he treated me like shit, and I was supposedly the "love of his life" I daren't think how he might treat the next one, but I know there were signs there that it wasn't me that was the problem. He said at the very outset "I hurt people. It's what I do." He later admitted his wife divorced him because he was "cold" and "self-righteous" and for someone who apparently loved her, her parents seem to loathe him...... Not just that, he once said it wasn't normal for him to lose his rag as often as he did with me, but then in a text he admitted he "often told her to fuck off" at his ex wife and "too often I lost my rag at her and we had blazing screaming matches..." So was it just me? No, I doubt it. Was I made to feel I was the weakest link for challenging him? Yep. I know that my ex bolted because he was *terrified* of showing me more dark sides to his character and, as he very aptly put it, "we have a history". In other words, you saw it once, you dumped me, you could do it again. So off he ran. I am resisting the urge to believe he will have the perfect marriage with another woman. If they can't make it with a woman who loves them and who will do anything for them, who the hell can they make it work with? He ran because he knew I was starting to see through him and the pain of rejection is far worse than enforcing the break-up early. It is all about control. Push before being pushed. Attack is the best form of defence. They are all the same and no one is safe with them unless and until they get to the bottom of who and what they are. Or, as maky1 says, they just turn a blind eye and swallow it all. Well, what can you say? You spotted inconsistencies and hauled them up on it - bravo for having the self-esteem to know the conduct was wrong! XXX
Jul 11 - 11PM
Lost
Lost's picture

Don't feel stupid ...

Please don't think you are stupid, if anything you are compassionate and have empathy, it's what any normal human being with real feelings would think, do and feel ... Your post resonates with my experience of my ex N. He too would say things like I know I have issues, I'll go to counselling, I'm a hollow man, you're too good for me ... however he would only EVER say them when he was drunk and crying on the phone to me after I had left him because of the cruel treatment and cheating with his ex GF ... I too felt sorry for him (his mum is an absolute beyatch I think a narc herself) because he has had a rough trot however a lot of it is as a result of his actions yet he doesn't see that, he doesn't see that his actions have consequences ... good and bad Like you I wanted to help him, I thought I could fix him, if I just loved him enough and showed him a different way to communicate or do things .... alas it only resorted in me being devalued, disrespected and dumped within 1mth of moving interstate to be with him! Don't beat yourself up because you have done NOTHING wrong and you are just being a compassionate, caring and warm person
Jul 12 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
my.angel.luca
my.angel.luca's picture

same here

mine does exactly the same....... he has been to therapy which 'apparently' made him realise he wants and needs to be with me, but then after a matter of weeks i get another dose of D&D.