did you feel like your N was THE ONE?

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#1 Feb 15 - 3PM
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

did you feel like your N was THE ONE?

Just reflecting. T night I might my N I had decided to be alone for a while was out w some girls then bam....he walks into my life and t next morning I felt like omg this guy is it. From reading posts on here we all seem to be pretty empathic, connected borderline psychic women. So did you feel this way about your N and how did you kick t feeling? Can they mirror you t instant they meet you? Love you guys we all survived vday 2012 I feel like making a tshirt!

Feb 17 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Yes. Definitely thought he

Yes. Definitely thought he was the one. Had never felt so sure or so content with that thought. It was bliss... until the devaluing began. The way narc and I got to know each other had a magical air about it, filled with coincidences, like law of attraction, synchronicity stuff. Now I wonder just how much of that he was responsible for 'engineering' to appear destined, knowing I found it fascinating and was starting to believe it was a 'meant to go down' path, not realizing he could be a full of shit narc. I will never be so naive again.

Journey on...

Feb 16 - 2PM
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I thought so

I was instantly smitten with my XNBF. He's xtremely sexy, and stands tall with so much confidence (which i now know as arrogance). He was so exciting. We went to so many places & did so many things. He got on well w my family, loved my mom & kids, was financially stable & I never had to spend a dime of my own money. In fact, I showed him a list that I made when I turned 40. My top 10. He met every single one of my requirements in a mate. He filled my head with dreams of us being together forever and traveling since he was retired & i semi-retired. I picked out our winter home. i furnished it. I had recently divorced after being in a toxic marriage for 30 years with a N. I waited 4 years to date and then had 2 toxic relationships that left me so vulnerable. of course he was my "soul mate" & i shared all of this with him. He said he would always love me, never cheat on me & would do anything to help me. This went on for a year, then he moved in with me. We lived together for 8 months. He left for our vacation home but I had to stay behind for 6 weeks to wrap up some business. I arranged to have someone manage my affairs while I was gone for the winter. You have no idea how happy i was. I had finally found "him" to share my life & dreams with me. The strange thing is, I would sometimes say to him "this is too good to be true. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop" At first he would call every day. then it became every few days. i started to notice him being distant & dismissive. He would make sarcastic comments. I knew something was very wrong. A week b 4 my mom & I (he invited her to stay with us) were to hop on a plane, I asked him if he missed me. My heart just dropped when he said "not really, I am dating online now. I think I might have loved you but things have changed." I asked him what I did wrong. He said my schedule was not to his liking. I tell u NLVR, I was crushed. I had never been so crushed in my life. I stumbled on this site and i immediately went NC because i had to separate myself to understand how i could have been so blind. It's been 26 days NC. I blocked him but he still e mails me. He apologizes profusely and says he "understands" if I don't want to talk to him. NOW he wants to talk. why? He has a lot of important stuff at my place that he needs back. I know he is being charming so he gets his stuff back from me. So i am reading and learning and starting therapy next week. I need to fix myself. I will NEVER take him back.
Feb 16 - 4PM (Reply to #38)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

omg! ty for sharing ur story.

omg! ty for sharing ur story. am on day 36....time has flown by wow. I know what its like to feel scared to be happy, I felt it w my N. I am so sorry but proud of u for being strong. How come u havent blocked his email or done an auto reply?
Feb 17 - 8AM (Reply to #39)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nlvr7

T XNBF did not plan on my confrontation at the time. His terms would have included me & mom coming to stay the winter as his SSNS, then when we returned to my house, he prbly would have moved on. However, he has lots of legal docs & other vital items still at my house. He knows he has to "play nice" to get them back. I don't respond to these msgs but will need to contact him at some point to make arrangements for my things as well. Right now I am ambivalent regarding him.
Feb 16 - 11AM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

I knew from the minute I seen

I knew from the minute I seen him I would be with him, but always knew I would never marry him or move in with him, something was just "SO OFF"
Feb 16 - 9AM
Alissa
Alissa's picture

"The one", no..... he is

"The one", no..... he is married. But an instant bond, yes, instant attraction yes, (and he is really not even handsome but to me he was the most gorgeous man ever ????!!!????) , never felt anything like this before
Feb 16 - 8AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

No..but that is because he

No..but that is because he was already taken. I absolutely fell in an instant but always knew he would not be mine.
Feb 16 - 7AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I also felt the INSTANT BOND

But you really have to ask yourself; how can this person have such an affect on us SO INSTANTLY and months later (or however long he kept us his little act) TOTALLY reject us? As Sheridan says; "Sickophonic behavior" It took me such a long long time to not blame myself in thinking I did something to cause his transformation. I mean I would have turned myself inside out for this man. You have to always remember he is instantly bonding with others too - and NLVR7 the other woman? She has NOTHING more than you have - let her marry the fake piece of shit because that is what they are!!!! The parade around pretending to be soul mates to all their targets and the ones they keep around or marry - its NOT because they found their soul mate - they just found a good DUPE - x0
Feb 16 - 4AM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

There are almost 7 billion

There are almost 7 billion people on the planet - possibly a good 250,000 we could be dating - so no I never thought he was 'the one' - it's a truly silly concept tied to other such nonsense as knights, shining armour, white horses/princes in castles/needing a man to exist = patriarchal subjugation by any other name. Though as IncognitoBurrito posted there was the belief we were kindred spirits of sorts, that we had much in common. We were both damaged certainly - he irreparably so of course.
Feb 15 - 10PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

No, actually

No, actually. I felt more of a bond, because we had similar trauma. It's one thing to intellectually sympathize with someone. It's quite another, when you've actually lived through it, too. So, I *thought* I felt a kinship. I *thought* were friends. I *thought* we had a lot in common. I thought he was just going through a rough patch, and needed some extra pep talks and support. Like anybody else would. So, I was there as best as I could be, as a buddy. Somehow, in the course of N explaining everything, and describing the things that were going on in his life, my opinion changed. I was already biased by that point. I started to think he was a really good person, going through a rough time, and I just sorta fell into... something. It felt similar to love, but wasn't. Addiction comes close. I just thought he was the saddest thing. I made every excuse for him, and helped him to reassure himself that he wasn't a complete moron in life. When, in reality, he orchestrated his own crappy environment. He could've just as easily orchestrated his way out of it. (A projection, on my part, as I could've done the same in my own life.) I guess, moping to SOMEONE ELSE'S WIFE, was preferable to actually changing shit in his own life? He never did change, of course. Ugh, I fell for the victim/sob story. Then, he started, little by little, flirting with me. That added a new, exciting, terrifying, confusing, and dysfunctional level to it. Thinking about his problems helped me to avoid my own, so I didn't stop. It felt amazing. I had all of the attention, and all of the answers to his problems. Although I was no closer to solving my own. Now, I know he constructed the whole friendship, to make his soon-to-be ex wife #2 jealous. To try to triangulate she and I. Except, she had already moved on, and was completely apathetic to his attempts! He was so miserable. I think she was happy he had me to occupy his mind, so she could move on a little faster! So, he found other girls to triangulate me with. He shouldn't of been able to do that, if we were just friends. It went horribly awry. Jeez... how many red flags were there? In retrospect, the friendship suited me as well. When my husband was too busy, too preoccupied, I always had someone else to turn to. Slowly, my own goals and pursuits began to dwindle. I occupied my time with him and his troubles. Very much a part of how I was raised to be, and I'm too old for that crap. It's not okay. Look at how little it turns out that I really know after all. Now I'm the one seeking advice. That's irony. No, it didn't feel like instant love. It didn't even feel like friendship, after a while. It felt like one long mind%&@%. He "Never meant to get so close." Yet he spent the better part of at least 4 years trying to get me to take the bait. Who tries that hard, for something they don't really want?
Feb 15 - 8PM
ichooselife
ichooselife's picture

Oh yes!

I fell for him very fast. I told him that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I forgot that men get scared of those words, but didnt matter anyway since this relationship was doomed from the start. I was so in love with him. If I would have had it my way back then, we wouldve been married. I will never forget the night he said to me out of the blue, "Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends." I wouldve rather he punched me in the face! I knew after he said those words, that he couldn't possibly be in love with me. How did I get over him? For me, it was a combination of things...... putting up with his crap and continually seeing proof of how much he didnt love me trying me best to fix him, and fix things with us--without any effort or concern on his part I had much support from loved ones and others, and encouragement to leave him I had people praying for me I knew things were hopeless between us long before I actually ended it. I couldnt find the strength to let go even though the relationship was nothing but destructive. I guess you could say I was addicted to him. So someone suggested I just take a 2 week break. I did, and then a few more wks, and a few more.........That was 8 months ago, and I never went back. I thought I would be lost without him but it gets better. That feeling passes.
Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

your post was insightful,

your post was insightful, gives me hope. ps your pic is HILARIOUS!!!!
Feb 15 - 5PM
Ophelia
Ophelia's picture

Yup. Like no other. Like no

Yup. Like no other. Like no other. That is why the pain right now is so severe and lingering. Even though I understand intellectually that being around him for any length of time would have turned me into a shadow of my former self. And that he conducted himself atrociously with my heart: plundered and played with like a new toy by a selfish childish boy (yes that's redundant but it bears emphasizing and besides it rhymes), to be discarded ruthlessly as soon as his delicate ego got bruised by something ridiculously trivial.
Feb 15 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
Ophelia
Ophelia's picture

Of course

the fact that he kept telling me and anyone who would listen that I was "the one" for him just amplified my own feeling that he was. The next time I am bowled over by a man and feel that he is 'the one' or hear him tell me that I am 'the one' I'm going to put on the brakes and slow wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down.
Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

GURRRRLLL i feel you. my N's

GURRRRLLL i feel you. my N's best friend would introduce us as "mr. and his
Feb 16 - 8AM (Reply to #28)
Anonymus
Anonymus's picture

EW!!!

Yup!! Got the same treatment. I was his "Mrs.". Like "hey my name is XN and this is the Mrs." ARGH!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Feb 15 - 5PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Sad to say, but yes, I

Sad to say, but yes, I thought xnh was my "soul mate" at first. Of course hindsight is 20/20, so now I know that when I thought he was "the one", it was because he was mirroring me, and morphing his persona into my "perfect" person. It was all an act on xnh's part. He's a complete fraud. In retrospect, I fell in love with xnh's version of myself in a mirror. He was exactly what I wanted to see (deliberately narrated on his part). My relationship with xnh was like being in a House Of Mirrors at a carnival. Everywhere I turned there was someone I loved, and thought was the perfect match for myself (in the beginning). However, it was all just smoke and mirrors. The reflections were actually just modeled after whatever xnh thought I wanted to see. Just like in a House Of Mirrors, some reflections were distorted and stretched, some were complimentary, and later his reflections made me view myself as ugly, fat, stupid, incompetent, and completely devalued. In the end, they were all just illusions, and they were all projected back at myself by xnh. They had no real basis in reality, or who I really am as a person. The truth is that, in the end, xnh never really knew the "real" me. He only had figured out which buttons he needed to push in order to control me and get supply DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. Xnh used my love against me, just like all of the other manipulative weapons in his sick narc arsenal. He has a personality disorder and is incapable of real love or empathy. I was merely his current toaster. When I was no longer useful to xnh, he threw me onto the trash heap, and moved onto the next toaster he found. Well, in reality, he actually found the new supply while we were still very much married, and THEN he tossed me into the trash can. However, that's just a "technicality" according to xnh. rofl. I'm sure he's, also, now re-morphed himself into whatever xnh thinks OW wants for the "perfect" person. He's currently casting his illusion of being her "soul mate", and xnh's narc cycle begins once again. Like me, no matter what she thinks she is to xnh, OW will end up being his next toaster sitting in the dumpster. She is just supply to him like everyone else. Meanwhile, xnh is nothing more than a huge, disordered pile of bullshit wrapped in human flesh that wreaks havoc in other people's lives, and then waltzes onward without a backward glance at the destruction left in his wake.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 17 - 5AM (Reply to #24)
Janakita
Janakita's picture

I LOVE your description Mystwoman

I can really relate to this- The House of Mirrors analogy is SO fitting. This is exactly why I saw my exN as my soulmate (gag) He is just like a chameleon, morphing into whatever persona would cause me or anyone else to give him a reaction to feed his ego. The reaction might be love, smiles, admiration, trust, gratitude, fear, hurt...anything to inflate his damaged ego. Being ignored was the worst insult. Sometimes, the true wounded 2 yr old inside his false self leaked out- self-loathing, impatient, jealous, furious. There wasn't that much more to know about him. I don't see why he even bothered to take acting classes and perform in plays while he got his Economics PhD. He's nothing BUT an actor. What does the N have to show for himself? A dumpster full of toasters. A statement to how shallow he is and how bored he gets. Hmmm...now I'm thinking about Bruno Mars' Grenade. Love that song! Mystwoman, you deserve a man with substance to appreciate your depth. Take care =)
Feb 16 - 12AM (Reply to #23)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow Myswomn

Couldn't have said it better myself. Like a traveling freakin circus act
Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

great point, i wondered if

great point, i wondered if they immediately mirror.... and that was the instant wow i felt... hmmmm i hope one day i can be as confident as you saying that the OW is just "supply" bc in my mind she is "better than me" and he "might marry her" which scares the SHIT out of me... oh well hells bells
Feb 17 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

OW being "better" than you is

OW being "better" than you is ONLY in your mind though, nlvr7. Just like the narc's House Of Mirrors, this perspective is merely an illusion that you are allowing yourself to believe. I've had a really hard time with this self-esteem issue throughout my life, as well. I always felt that, for some strange reason, I was "less deserving" than others. I don't really know why. Nothing specific in my childhood or upbringing ever made me feel this way. I can think of absolutely no reason WHY I would feel this way about myself. The odd thing (to me) about this self-attitude is that my mother and I were talking about this the other day, and her comment was that, for some equally vague reason, my father has always felt this way about himself, and so did my mother's mother. We all frequently cheated ourselves by assuming that everyone else is "better" or more deserving than we are. IT'S NOT TRUE. We are ALL just as good, worthwhile, and deserving as ANY other person on this planet. I am. My dad is, and my grandmother is....and so are YOU. OW is NOT "better than you" merely because she is with the narc at the moment (this could change an second with a narc). She is merely another victim, and she will get hurt because of his behavior, just like you did. He has NOT changed in any way. OW is just another mistreated tool to the narc in a LONG line of tools. It doesn't matter whether whether she's happy right now, miserable, married to him, or whatever. The narc eventually will treat HER exactly the same way as he treated YOU. That's what narc's do. They NEVER change (mine even had the unmitigated gall to tell me there is nothing wrong with him - he thinks he's perfect just the way he is). rofl. I certainly wouldn't be afraid of OW marrying the narc. It does NOT mean that he loves her more, or that she is "better" than you. All marrying the narc means for her is that SHE will be going through a divorce with him, after she's had her belly full of his abuse and mistreatment. She will bear her scars from him, AND she will have the hassles of fighting him in the legal system after she's been hurt. Narcs are well-known for being complete jerks when divorcing. They have serious control issues. Meanwhile, you are now away from the pain, hurt, abuse, and heartache he's caused. You now have the opportunity to recover, and move on with your life. You can have a happy future with people that really love YOU just because you're YOU. YOU are capable of love. Real love, not like the self-centered illusion cast by a narc (who is incapable of either really loving or empathy)....and OW is still stuck with HIM. You already KNOW what he's truly like. He hasn't changed (at all). Trust me, anyone that is in a relationship with a narc is getting the "short end of the stick" when it comes to relationships. You deserve much more than having a narc anywhere in your life. YOU are so very worthwhile. Don't ever doubt it. :) Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
dazed
dazed's picture

Wow!

Wow. Pretty much describes it but this is so poignant and well written. So sad (for all of us) but oh so true.
Feb 15 - 4PM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

For me it truly was love at first sight...

I really thought he was my soul mate. Now I know I just served his purpose so many years. A big facade. Cheating lying using sociopath. Glad to see you on here. Listen to Hunter. Get to a therapist. I'm even contemplating going back to mine for a bit. Take care.
Feb 15 - 3PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Not at first sight

But definitely by our 4th meeting I thought he was everything I'd ever dreamt of because we'd connected so much or so I thought. He was quite attractive but as I got to know him I perceived him as the most handsome man I had ever laid my eyes on. I practically breathed him, as he enveloped my soul. Now I just see him as a pathetic immature little creep! I've knocked him off the pedestal and thats where he's staying.
Feb 15 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I'm curious .. Did you

I'm curious .. Did you schedule a thearpy session? Hunter
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

no.....i know I need to. ill

no.....i know I need to. ill work on it right now. thanks for holding me accountable.
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

If you would have done it

If you would have done it yesterday.. You would have marked off 1 day.. You were complaining that 2 weeks was too long.. Yet you're not any further ahead.. I would also suggest you ask to be put on a waiting list in case someone cancels.. Doing nothing gets you nothing.. This is a fixable problem that YOU can fix. Hunter
Feb 15 - 3PM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

Yes I did

I though my narc was amazing. He seemed just perfect. Every where I turned he just kept sweeping me off my feet, he moved in, told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone, loved my kids, treated me like a princess........oh yeah, then his mask fell off, I found out about his debts,realised his drinking was out of control, his anger came out, he turned into a lunatic and then he blamed me. We are all amazing women on here - it's just them who are the nutters!!! I'll order one of those T-shirts please.xx
Feb 15 - 3PM
beautifulmess
beautifulmess's picture

Not really. I did once meet

Not really. I did once meet someone that I felt was 'the one' but he was already taken. I always hoped he could be the one.. And the best sex ever surely helped me ignore all those red flags.
Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
whitneywolf
whitneywolf's picture

I'd like a tee shirt, too

I'd like a tee shirt, too. ...and among the many things for which I feel reasonable or unreasonable shame, I actually got the N's name tattooed on my hip (first & only tattoo), at age 45. Yes, I bought the fairytale, 'hook-line-and-sinker.'