do they really know what they are doing? mine N just revealed things after a year that make me feel dead inside...

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#1 May 3 - 8PM
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

do they really know what they are doing? mine N just revealed things after a year that make me feel dead inside...

basically he told me in an e-mail that he dumped me for my own good and that he will always love me but that he would never be good enough for me. he revealed that he 'also ruined' his ex-girlfriends life. he told me that he knows he's a 'bad person' and that's *also* why he had to 'get rid of me'... because i just 'remind him of what a bad person' he is, but that after i am 'out of his life,' he will forget it from then on. he just warned me to stay away from 'assholes and con artists' like himself.

so... from his perspective, he can't be with me because i no longer hold up the mirror to show him what he *wants* to see, but what is actually there!

or maybe it's all just a bunch of martyr bs.

f*ck him.

either way, i am confused and angry. still not responding to him. but i just wonder how many lies. how many lies. is he a sociopath? i finally found out why he was kicked out of college... i finally found out that he cheated on his ex... all this from his sister who consoles me, telling me, "honey, i would never date my brother." i never would have talked to her (or virtually anyone else for that matter) because he always used to tell me that talking to others about "our relationship" was "disrespectful" of him...

god. he had me so brainwashed and under control.

i just don't know what's real anymore. that's the biggest trouble of mine. what happened. what is real. i don't even KNOW if he is an 'actual' N or S ... i just don't that all this stuff i read resonates with me like crazy, that my therapist suggested he had N tendencies, and that, while i was in denial, my good friend insisted that he was a narcissistic sociopath... i so didn't want to believe that. i still don't. it would make me feel so... paranoid of the world.

how do you tell? how do you tell what is real from what isn't? how can i reduce everything he says to garbage when it seems that's the only option i have?

even though the people close to me tell me i should be focusing on myself and getting better, i still can't help but continue to try to psychoanalyze the f*cker... anyone else do this? it's like how can who he seemed to be be reconciled with the actual sh*t he said and did.

"actions speak louder than words". my "N" was certainly a speech maker. big talker. almost politician-like.

i feel so foolish.

May 12 - 6AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

There's no one else like them

It's been one of the hardest things for me and still is: realizing that no, not everyone is nice deep down. My "slogan" in life used to be "Everyone is doing the best they can." I would always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and with him, my supply of benefit of the doubt was used up in about a week, but I made more--and more--and more . . . . I mentioned somewhere else that four different people I know have called my N "The Devil." I have never heard anyone call someone they actually know "The Devil" before--only politicians and mass murderers in the news. I've seen it in other places, too, on this board, from other people. "The Devil." That's a very strange, disturbing thing to say about someone you actually know. I always believed everyone was nice; that if they acted meanly or wrongly, they had been hurt and were in pain. One of the most difficult things to wrap my head around is this: yes, these people have been hurt--wired wrong or neglected in their development--but they didn't feel it then, and they don't feel it now, and there is nothing anyone can do to "give them a better life" or "give them the gift of love." If you love them, they kill you. If you hate them, they kill you. If you feel sorry for them, they kill you. The Devil has been called "The Prince of Lies." (I think the word "Satan" means "The Blamer"). It all makes sense. I can't believe I got through my whole life of 42 years, a childhood peopled by abusers, and a ten-year marriage to an bipolar alcoholic, still thinking everyone could--in the end--be excused because of their pain and sickness, but that now, at my age, and after everything, I realize it isn't true. NOW I have to learn one of life's most chilling lessons. This actually makes me cry a lot--realizing that some people are just bad.
May 12 - 9AM (Reply to #48)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

helldweller

Hi, You have summed up my life and my way of thinking precisely. I am around the same age too and it has been difficult to think about how I got to this place in life not knowing what I know now. To think how I have been so vulnerable and easily exploitable. Scarey...........but no more, and I won't feel guilty about it either.
May 4 - 8AM
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

before i read any other replies

Hi there, I can hear you crying out in despair and disbelief. It is amazing for me to see someone else at that place of total confusion about the reality of what is out there in this world. You are now one of a select minority in the world I reckon who really will know about the devil's work. Along my path little bits kept slotting into place that couldn't be explained by any other route than it being done to cause hurt and pain to another. After he left he made the comment 'well if you or a psychologist can't figure it out'. So amongst other comments my exN knew what he was doing. Purposefully using for his own gains. I decided yesterday that he was a sociopath. There was a time when narcissist felt too harsh for him but that was cos it was all new to me. Now I know more I think it fits perfectly. We have all felt fools at not knowing. How could we have known. A normal human being could not fathom having motives like this. Watching someone everyday loving you more and more,making efforts and showing unconditional love. knowing that the pain they would feel when the game was up would be hurrendous let alone the revelations to be found afterwards. Actually I don't suppose they do know if they don't feel so they wouldn't know what it felt like but they would know that it hurts us cos they would see it. That is where the high comes from though isn't it. It is so amazing to think that there are reprobates out there like this. I will not be going near one again. I am on the side of God now, I want to be humble and appreciative of life. Anyone who shows me that they are a liar, a cheat will be well away from me. I have realised that my exN has carried out every one of the seven deadly sins now. So theres a sign for you.
May 4 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes!!...i believe they know exactly what they're doing......

and not only that...but that they file their dirty deeds, their trophies of their evil, away in their minds....and during times in which they have no one to destroy..that they ruminate on their past evil deeds......and it feeds them...... i am sure that the psychopath was well aware of every fithy nasty wicked thing he'd ever said or done....and that he was PROUD of them all...
May 4 - 8AM (Reply to #45)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

exactly

And how else can you explain that when it comes to blaming or guilt-tripping us, they have NO problem recollecting all of the 'awful' things we did to them. They will make you re-live it again and again...they will NOT let it go, ever. BUT, when they make 'mistakes', they don't remember, OR they tell you, it wasn't that bad, and it's in the past..LOL! Oh ya, they know what they're doing...survival of numero uno is all that matters, that's why their manipulation skills are TOP NOTCH...most 'normal' folks couldn't even hope to aspire to that level (or would want to!)
May 4 - 8AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

reveal

As time goes on, I find more lies and deception. I had told him several times in our relationship to always be honest and tell me if he wants to see other women, I would let him go and not be angry. I always felt guilty for not being available for him as he was single. He promised he would tell me. I loved him the most. I accepted his faults and loved him unconditionally. He knew it yet took full advantage of it. When I caught him in various lies or when he broke yet another promise-he would say " sorry, you deserve better". My XN always said "sorry" but that was just a word he used to get back more supply from me. I'd always tell him that most people who apologize feel bad and never do it again. He's promise something yet in 24 hrs, he'd break it. As to why I stayed and accepted that behavior for years is disgusting to me. The brainwashing and gas-lighting incredibly damaging to my self-worth.
May 3 - 11PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

littlestbird

Sorry to say thi but he is bullshiting you again,if he knoews hhe destroyed his ex girl life and that is no good,why go on enticing good women ...why not go mess aruound with women thhat only want no strings attached ,instant sex,you see them on tose filthy hook up sites....No,they want to go after good,normal women to destroy them so they feel better as Gods for a while...they are liars and criminals really....Sorry if i am being hateful but i am pretty angry right now....Hughs,take care

Aceonelady

May 4 - 8AM (Reply to #42)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

Yes they are

Yes they are liars and criminals, that is a fact!
May 3 - 10PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

This is why I'm here

I had to make sense of it all because it was all so confusing and disorienting. He sounds exactly like a narc. That's exactly what they want. They want someone to hold the mirror and exactly like he told you, when you stop reflecting back what they want to see, they D&D you and move on to the next mirror. They have no self esteem, so they are just one big inflated balloon of ego. As you get closer, they see you as a pin. It hurts like nothing else because they make you feel so special. In a way, they become your mirror reflecting back what you wanted to see. It's devastating to see underneath their mask. It's a horror show. You've only seen a glimpse of the nightmare. I thank my lucky stars to be away from my N, but the pain is still there. I have lost my faith in men and in relationships. It's going to take a lot of time to heal from this, but in a way, I've been given a gift by this experience. I didn't realize how profoundly low my self esteem actually was. I'm starting to really figure out who I really am and what my needs are. Be kind to yourself. It's not a natural breakup. BTW. If he was a sociopath, you can tell because he would have dumped you when there was nothing left to exploit. Barbara has a great article on this site that explains it all. If he was just a Narc, he was with you to validate his false self and puff up his ego.
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"It's not a natural breakup"

Yeah,I was accustomed to these kinds of breakups, thanks to high school, and a few guys I dated casually in college- 1)Okay,he finds someone else--but at least he's open about dating your friend. He tells you he is. 2)Lack of interest. 3)Parting amiably. 4)The guy's creepy,but no D&D. But with my ex-Narc,it was drama,drama,DRAMA. When all he could've said my junior year was that he had a serious girlfriend in LA. I would've been disappointed, but NOT destroyed.
May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
pegasas269
pegasas269's picture

sociopath/narcasist

mine actually tried to kill me and stole a $1200 lottery ticket on his way out. he started out trying to cause me to have a stroke because i was so much smarter than him. when that didn't work out how he wanted he pushed for the heart attack to kill me. when that didn't work as fast as he needed it to he ended up cutting my wrists because i wouldn't kill myself as he wanted. he still came back before i recovered enough from the stroke and took still more from me. he destroyed my life. but having him gone is such a weight off of me that the things he stole don't matter as much to me right now. i will get back some and i will get him locked up eventually because he is also a crack addict. he chose that over me in the end. which is fine with me. over 2 years i lived in my silent hell. not so silent anymore. he will finally get the consequences he actually believes he should never have. this time he will actually have to pay for what he is. there is no love for him. he killed that long ago. he may have his npd to play his little games, but i have the IQ and 14 years on him. and i am not a drug addict or an alcholic. physically he gets me because i am disabled. but mentally he has a war coming to him. i have no intention losing that war because if i let it go it would be partly my fault when he actually does kill someone and gets away with it. so i will fix this and i will be sure he pays the consequences and goes to jail. he is terrified of jail ;)
May 12 - 6AM (Reply to #39)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pegasus269

I hope you post your story on the SHARE YOUR STORY section next, it will NOT be your fault. One of my exes I know realize was a Sociopath. Guy almost killed me and smeared me while playing nice to my face for years... he was good looking, a well known actor, charming & wealthy. I remember telling 2 friends I was always waiting for the day I got a call to testify in court because he'd been caught assaulting someone or he'd killed someone thankfully, he dropped dead about 5 weeks after I had that conversation. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 12 - 2AM (Reply to #38)
masquerades (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Pegasas269

"...because if i let it go it would be partly my fault when he actually does kill someone..." Partly your fault? NEVER. Nothing is your fault, and certainly already partially blaming yourself if he had to commit murder (whether he gets away with it or not) is - in my opinion - just NOT an option. It appears from what I read that he could be a psychopath and I'm very sorry that he has caused you tremendous psychological and physical trauma, but my concern would be that he would want to murder YOU (which you admitted to in your message). Entering into a war with a psychopath or even a narcissist is not something I would willingly engage in, no matter what my intelligence quotient is. I would want to get as far away as I possibly could. I am fortunate in not having had children with my npd ex-husband and there is no reason to ever speak to the man again - my 'brush' with the man was enough for me, and I'm removing myself from further potential harm, whether I feel it is justified or not. Or even if I feel anger that justice has not been done. I hold a strong view that the first 'action' I can take to help protect myself from a potentially violent crime or from becoming a victim in any form is to try to AVOID the situation altogether. This comes from the 'ADD' principle (ADD to your lifespan!) of: Avoidance, Discouragement, and finally Defence.
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #37)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the scale runs in ONE DIRECTION only

all Sociopaths are Narcissist NOT all Narcissists are Sociopaths the scale only runs one way on their highway to hell ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 3 - 9PM
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Don't feel foolish

We love them and that is all there is to it. We did nothing wrong. They are the foolish ones. They will never know what it feels like to truly be in love. Except with themselves : P Sounds like he is trying to project his guilt onto you. But don't fall for it. I did over and over for more than a year and where did it get me ?? Only deeper into the black hole. Now I have to go to therapy to try to undo everything he did while he has moved onto his new supply.
May 3 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Unconditional love

I read somewhere that Narcs don't understand unconditional love and forgiveness. One of my friends rightly noted that my ex-N's girlfriend wasn't my rival... but the ex-N himself.
May 3 - 8PM
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

apologies for the harsh

apologies for the harsh language... will refrain in the future.
May 3 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Littlebird

No need to apologize for the cursing. We are all adults here. You can tell when someone is having a crisis or is just having a rotten day cos you'll see alot of "F" bombs!!! Lol!
May 3 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Mine said similar things

It makes me wanna puke...and I've been puking alot over the last 2 months. What is the worst of it all is I am still in love with him or what I thought he was and that upsets me. Logically I "get it", but my heart wants what it wants. Luckily, I am erased, so it ain't happening. I think of how he needed the weekend to think, but he never told me his conclusions. Never once called to see how I was...like normal lovers do after a devastating break up. He just went on with his happy little life of denial and deceit. All for my benefit, of course, because I was such a good person and he did not want to hurt me anymore. JACKASS (and yes, I am shouting!!!!!)With your crucifix on your wall and your Bible next to your bed and no real relationship with God...just a family tradition of Catholicism, alcoholism, and physical abuse. Do I sound bitter? Ha!
May 4 - 8AM (Reply to #32)
better off
better off's picture

Hang in there It makes me

Hang in there It makes me wanna puke...and I've been puking alot over the last 2 months. What is the worst of it all is I am still in love with him or what I thought he was and that upsets me. It will get better. Zero contact is what will get you there (along with other things). I remember just being sickened by the fact that I still felt love for this person I also hated. But your body and brain WILL rewire itself if you stay on track... it rewired itself for hm... you can do it again. We are resilient!
May 4 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they know

they DO know on some level EXACTLY what they are doing! it's all BULLSHIT - NO CONTACT!!! He's playing with your mind http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/martyr.shtml ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 4 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

You Bet They KNOW !!!

These guys are VERY calculating and deliberate! He did this (break things off with you and give these explainations)...because he didn't want to 'appear' like the rotten guy that he IS!...My best guess is that he has some 'new' supply he wants to 'try out' for a while. Please stay NC...He WILL try to come back into your life periodically (when his 'supply gets 'old'...or he runs out for the moment)...they are great at recycling!... If I had been able to remain NC since January...I would be almost 6 months healed and that much closer to my own happiness... Stay strong...and when he comes around again.. (they always DO)...BRACE yourself!!! Get alot of support and stay close to your friends and family...let them be aware of how he treated you and what he is (a disordered person) and that you do not want him in your life...so they can help you stay strong when he inevitably decides to toy with your life and emotions again to squeeze some more 'supply' and attention out of you...he will do this just as soon as he finds out that YOU are really 'over him' and going on with your life and seem happy again...this is usually their big clue to try to charm you and 'gain entrance' back into your life again...(and they will do this over and over if you let them) Don't even be tempted!...read everything here and prepare yourself...remain NC and take this opportunity to start healing and be happy again... Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
May 4 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
better off
better off's picture

Your post reminded me of

Your post reminded me of that song, Liar. Intense video, but it's so true. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgQalXaIxs
May 4 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Holy sh*t, that's scary! Can

Holy sh*t, that's scary! Can we ALL send it to them? Pleeeaaassssee?
May 4 - 11PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no...

that would be contact and you're expecting they'd "get it" - which would never happen. ;) ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 4 - 11PM (Reply to #25)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Ahhhhhh, maaaaannnn. :)

Ahhhhhh, maaaaannnn. :)
May 5 - 10AM (Reply to #26)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

I know

I know it's so frustrating isn't it. I just watched it again. It's so tempting cos this would tell him that I know what he is and that I know what he's done and that he can't class me in with the people that he thinks he's fooled all his life. I'm sure not one person has figured him out to the extent I have. Then I ask myself do I want him to know that I know cos that could be dangerous. It might be better that he thinks I don't.
May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #31)
pegasas269
pegasas269's picture

dangerous

yes, it is more dangerous to let them know that you know what they are all about. as much as it feels good to tell it like it is, it nearly got me killed. better to play dumb around them but know it in your own mind so they can't sucker you into anything.
May 5 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Barbara and betteroff are

Barbara and betteroff are right. They probably wouldn't get it and it's better just to let it be. They are in such denial anyway, they will spin it in their own head or just say, "Wow, that guy is so cool". :) They're idiots.
May 5 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
better off
better off's picture

Well since I posted it,

Well since I posted it, please as a favor to me, NOBODY send this to anybody except another victim. Do not stir the N pot. Ever.