Do you feel like your N was your secret enemy

im glad you're here and i'm so sorry for the hell he put you through.

That was the ex-Psych prof's reply when I asked him, after the final D&D, why he didn't give our "relationship" a clean break. I asked him, why did he put up with me, if I was so terrible? When I declared my love to him, he treated me like an enemy. He claimed I was making unwanted sexual advances on him (since when was asking a man about his father constitute a sexual advance???);he moved his seminar from one classroom to another. To add to the craziness, he asked me, exasperated, why I liked him. I rattled off some positive qualities. His response? Tell me that I was projecting them onto him due to low self-esteem. Unfortunately, Lisa Scott AND Sam Vaknin can validate that(!!!) I was kinda shocked... and by then, in disbelief. I would NOT have believed him if he had told me that:rain is wet, sky is blue, frogs are amphibians, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. He lacked CREDIBILITY. So-when he accused ME of projecting good onto him-I was like WTH??? My response was numbed shock.

Yes, and at first it sickened me. Oh my god, he really DOES hate me! But he's smiling at me! I knew he was a narc for the last year of our relationship, so I was able to have my own little secret. Although my doubts that I was correct about his being a narc kept me playing the game, the game had changed, and I had a new vantage point. I figured, if I'm right, I can find out and get out. If I'm wrong, at least I'm not throwing this relationship away. It was painful--watching him gather his little circle of admiring women (supply), watch him strut around arrogantly, watching him be such a poser. Watching him gobble up any compliments I gave. If it wasn't so mean, it would have been funny. So...I tried. That's what love does. Love also walks away from Evil. When I walked away after the last D/D, I walked away knowing he was a narc. Because I knew for sure, I was prepared, and said nothing, asked nothing. Just walked away. Now that I am NC, he can wonder forever if I care or hate him. This is super painful stuff, KeshaN. You are doing so well by acknowledging this, as painful as it feels. Take care!

Hello KeshaN! Disordered ones project anger and pain onto their partners. To the narcissist, YOU are their mirror. That is why YOU get the brunt of their bullshit. It's really not you, it's ALL ABOUT HIM! Remember that! These people are NOT "normal" and it is so EASY to forget, when we are trying to figure out what the hell just happened....they are NOT like us. You have done nothing wrong. love~ Layla

Interesting thread, I spent 15 years with mine, never married thank God, but he sure was not a partner and often felt he was not on my side at all.........he once told me when I asked him if he would rather be right or happy, he said right immediately, no hesitation, Nemesis is so right it is all about winning for HIM, no real partnership where it is you guys against the world........

They see life as a neverending competition where their aim is to beat others. xxx

Yes, I feel like that. I was struggling with my work situation and I was brainstorming. As soon as I came up with an idea, he told it to everyone, without my permission and sold the idea as his to others leaving me out of it. I failed at least 4 business ideas like this. At the end i had no money left and I was destroyed. Yes. He was my enemy. Now I am his.

Kesha, once AGAIN you are describing exactly my lifestory. How is it that it is so IDENTICAL?? I hope this common thread we share will be of some comfort to you as it is to me. We are not the only one. I was reading about Napoleon Bonaparte .. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1200/is_2001_Dec_22/ai_81861081/ And thinking about the poor woman Empress Josephine, the wife of Napoleon...and how much she suffered under that control freak husband. SIGH-GROAN-PHEW... what a horrid day it's been here today. the local Narc ( my NH) has been texting nonstop to that b**** OW) Why don't his fingers drop off? I feel so humilated...and then I REMIND myself that there is nothing wrong with me that i got sidelined by NH and a professional hooker now gets his undivided devotion...he calls her by the same petnames he had given me 2 decades ago. Makes my stomach turn in utter disgust. what to do.. i have to bear this crap for some while longer still. Looking forward to the day when I can afford the money required to survive independently. till then.. i will be here at the forum..chiefly for companionship.. alone in this padded cell ..is a sad life. I am trying hard to will myself to STAY HAPPY somehow or other through this cloud of arsenic who is my pathetic provider right now.

I think you are wrong. It's not you he hates, it's himself but because of who he is , he projects it onto you. The pain is unbearable, I know but with each others help we can ride through the storm. We all have something he doesn't ......hope

He WAS a secret enemy because he wasn't who he pretended to be! Asking why he stayed so long if he hated you is a non issue, they stay because they get what ever they need at the time. You obviously gave him real love, tried to be your best, do everything right... he didn't care about that as long as HIS supply needs were met. I'm sorry that is so brutally spoken, but that is all he really wanted and it had little to do with who you are and the realness of the love YOU felt. A narc is unable to feel the same. It is hard to grasp this from a non-disordered perspective and trying to make sense of a narc take us in circles because there is NO SENSE. They are sick and toxic, dangerous to our hearts and well being... Trying to figure "why he..." will only begin to make sense once you understand more about pathological minds and how their actions and behaviors are CONTROLLED by their disorder - not by us! Give yourself a break and next time you ask yourself why he did this or does that or said what he said... remind yourself it is only "because he is disordered"! That cuts off these thoughts circling around your head that lead to spinning. You WILL be able to stop them, with practice and learning more about disorders. Trust me, you will feel SO much better when you do! (hugs)!