Do you NARCS ever have a "sensitive side" or is it just an act?

Leo Tolstoy is often quoted by pacifists, vegetarians, Christians, etc. But as one biographer noted, "He who looked like an angel to the public looked like the devil to his wife." He managed to turn his wife, Sofia (who was 16 years his junior), from a talented beauty into an embittered, crazed woman. When he withheld sex from her, she'd be paranoid and hysterical. His narcissistic abuse drove her to the point that she once drew a gun on him... and she nearly attempted suicide by jumping into a frozen lake. In her diaries, Sofia resented sacrificing her own talents to satisfy Leo's (she edited "War and Peace" and "Anna Karenina" several times) She said that she had to repress her feelings around him, that she was merely a machine to him (and she bore him 13 children, whom he FORCED her to breastfeed despite the pain) After Leo died, she went to his grave daily to BEG FOR HIS FORGIVENESS. Tragic. She was a shell of a woman. What does this have to do with me? The ex-Psych professor compared him and I to Leo and Sofia, because I was 15 years younger. Like Tolstoy, he was vegetarian (okay, he claimed to be) Like Tolstoy, he railed against organized religion. He had even let his teeth rot... something Leo did that annoyed Sofia. One of his favorite quotes from Tolstoy basically says that women are stupid unless the Devil gives them the wits to do nasty things. Another was that with marriage, it's so bad that (a)men end up cheating (b)spouses end up living separately (c)the husband kills his wife or (d)the husband kills himself. Yeah... Leo Tolstoy thought he was a "sensitive guy" too. In one letter, he says that he's the most moral human being around, and the rest of humanity is SO BENEATH him.

Have to agree with the other posts here ... I fell for the sensitive thing as well, but it was usually preceded by a criticism of me saying I was over-sensitive and needed help. The only time I saw him cry was when he getting maudlin about his ex-wife, saying she was the love of his life and he lost her through being selfish (RED FLAGS that I ignored at my peril). He said he would rescue animals and insects (although never saw this), but said on a number of occasions that he didn't care about my feelings !! Bizarrely, when he asked me how I felt after one his rages and I said 'hurt', he said 'I'm hurting too .. about some of the things I said to you !' - er what's wrong with THAT picture?! Hope this helps

Sorry but yes it is an act. Smoke and mirrors. Dont forget their true motive is the self satisfaction of all their needs being met. They will display any front necessary to get this accomplished with everyone they meet, not just you. Internally it is not real, just simply and external act that makes them appear to be genuine. A false persona. This is a Narcissist. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

The ex said over and over how sensitive he was. Two parts to that: one part truth in that his ego is incredibly fragile so he could be easily slighted (or annoyed if not treated just so); another part act in that sensitive got him a lot of NS from women. He could even turn exploiting women into a sensitivity issue when I think about it. All for women having equal rights--but if you really listened it often ended up being equal rights to wear hot push-up bras, take him out to dinner, or have random sex without love or commitment. I think when I was struggling to close the NC loopholes this was what was still fascinating me. His sensitive, enlightened pose and how women just eat that sh*t up, just like I did. Like others here I felt I needed to see what he was doing from the outside so I could understand better what I'd lived with and how it looked from another perspective. I don't want to repeat that mistake, don't want to be fooled again. In the end though watching him was just a distraction from my own work so I had to close the door on that. I know enough about him, I need to know more about myself.

The first time I told him I was leaving he threw himself on the floor crying and praying. I fell for it. Stupid me. They only cry for themselves and the loss to their supply or ego. No one else matter.s

The only three times I ever saw "sensitivity" in him were: 1)When he got tears in his eyes when I told him I was leaving him because he didn't ask me about taking in his foster child. We were about to get engaged and were trying to get pregnant. He cried, "I can't lose you" and begged me to stay with him. Total manipulation. 2)When he got tears in his eyes the first night the foster child slept away from home overnight, and he sat me down on the kitchen floor (?) and said he loved me. Obviously he was just freaking out because his new supply was gone for the night. 3)When he got tears in his eyes and told me he had cancer- because I had started seeing someone else and he wanted to get rid of him so he could go back to controlling me. He doesn't have cancer. So the only time I saw him act "sensitively" was when he turned on the tears to manipulate me or when he felt insecure about his sources of supply.

The only three times I ever saw "sensitivity" in him were: 1)When he got tears in his eyes when I told him I was leaving him because he didn't ask me about taking in his foster child. We were about to get engaged and were trying to get pregnant. He cried, "I can't lose you" and begged me to stay with him. Total manipulation. 2)When he got tears in his eyes the first night the foster child slept away from home overnight, and he sat me down on the kitchen floor (?) and said he loved me. Obviously he was just freaking out because his new supply was gone for the night. 3)When he got tears in his eyes and told me he had cancer- because I had started seeing someone else and he wanted to get rid of him so he could go back to controlling me. He doesn't have cancer. So the only time I saw him act "sensitively" was when he turned on the tears to manipulate me or when he felt insecure about his sources of supply.

Remember that narcs have really fragile egos... Any perceived attack on them is really just a blow to their ego. My ex-narc also seemed to have this sensitive side. I don't think it's an act but I also don't think he was tapping into his emotional side. Don't read into this too much... you're here because he treated you like crap. Remember that.

No LisaLisa. No sensitivity, no empathy, no love. They aren't capable. Do yourself a favor, and journal about the reality of your life with him. All the details about the criticism, the hateful looks, the devaluing and demeaning comments and actions, the lies. Write about how the circumstances of your life have deteriorated as the result of your relationship with him -- your health, your job, your financial security, your relationships with others. Then when you are missing him, read what you wrote, and it will help you distinguish fantasy from reality. I also recommend another website www.melanietoniaevans.com. That's where I heard of Lisa Scott in the first place. Melanie has some great free articles on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and you can listen to her recorded radio shows on the subject of narcissistic abuse, codependence, boundaries, etc. Her work has been key to my recovery so far.