Does anyone here have a very critical or condescening mother....

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#1 Feb 13 - 8PM
Amazed
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Does anyone here have a very critical or condescening mother....

I had a very, very hurtful, critical, condescending mother, not at all a "builder"..but someone more destructive...she is evil beyond belief,,,doesn't even make sense how someone would hurt and abuse their own children, or bring them into this world to do that,,,,

Does anyone on the board been brought up in this sort of environment,,where their mother was extremely jealous, vengengeful, unloving, critical, emotionally and physically abusive, who continues to be so?

I am wondering if somehow this sets us up to become a victim to an N relationship,,later on in life..

Interested in your feedback!

Feb 14 - 12PM
prettypeeved
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She's varied over the

She's varied over the years. On the whole she's been the good counterpoint to my narc father, encouraging and nurturing where he has virtually always been emotionally and verbally abusive. Unfortunately as the years have gone by, he's worn her down and she always was afraid of being abandoned. Increasingly she's afraid of the world around her and has a negative opinion. Having said that she recently took me totally by surprise by being very supportive over a work-related issue...it was like a nostalgia moment.
Feb 14 - 11AM
Hunter
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Mom

My mom is a real peach. Nothing I do is good enough. I'm too fat then too skinny, I made too much money, I didn't make enough . Ugh! She is much easier to deal with than being Narced! Idealk
Feb 14 - 10AM
helldweller
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My mom

is 83 years old. She is a nice lady, but to give you some idea, my little girls HATE going to her house. She is so controlling. They can't watch t.v., can't go on the PC, can't play outside, can't go upstairs to their bedroom, down to play in their basement clubhouse, can't touch anything. When I was nineteen my brother was beating me up and she told ME to move out to make things easier. When I was twenty a man chased me home from the el one night--literally chasing me on foot for five blocks. I got home and was banging on the door, hysterical. The first thing she said was, "Don't tell your brother. It will upset him." That was always the main concern: Don't upset your brother. She was always proud of me, always loved me, always worried about me. But the men in our house were all powerful, and their peace was all that mattered.
Feb 14 - 7AM
sadderbutwiser
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amazed

first i want to tell you that your posts are always so enlightening. thank you! anyway, my narc's wife of 24 years is very meek and mild (shocking, i know). HER mother is very critical and controlling. back before i got sucked in by him, they both told me stories about her. how they and their kids would get the silent treatment for no reason, and how mean she was. she is definitely a whack job. so doesn't it fit that my narc's wife has stayed with him for so long? on the flip side though, and can u explain this to me? SHE controls all the finances and runs the household. if she gets mad at him she gives HIM the silent treatment. they have such an f'd up relationship. he is constantly calling other women and just "stopping by women's houses to chat. (i have found this all out over the 4 years that i was "involved" with him. (she works long hours and he is home alot). could his wife be an inverted narcissist? i often wonder. anyway, i think there is definitely something to the narc mother thing. my narc's mother was an alcoholic and he hates her. however, MY mother was perfectly normal, so i have no idea what caused me to get sucked in. he is handsome and charming, though.
Feb 14 - 6AM
becsta777
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Sadly, Yes...

My mother was never available to me emotionally. Not the whole of my childhood and definitely not now. I spent many years thinking there was something wrong with me because she invalidated my emotions. Even now, if I cry or get angry or upset about something, she laughs at me and makes light of my feelings in a belittling way. For some reason, I feel like she might miraculously change one day and become the kind of mother I see my friends have - someone who is there for them as a mother and a friend and can give emotional support. Emotions just make her uncomfortable though and I am always left feeling hurt and disappointed.
Feb 14 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
Amazed
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Becsta777 I have had the same experience

It is like they do not connect with their daughters, it leaves a void, and perhaps this may play a part in being unconsciously drawn to or attracting these Narc types... It is such a healing journey to seperate from the negative influences, even if the negative influences are within your own family. It is a huge huddle and challenge to overcome, at least we can start to get some perspective, and realize that the one relationship that with thought was to be without bounds, with a mother, is quite very limited...sad yes, you think they would know and do better!
Feb 13 - 10PM
ValiditySeeker
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My mother

Never said a kind or encouraging word to me. Ever. She was necessarily unkind (well, there were times) But she never acted like she wanted us kids around. She simply wasn't interested in being a mom. Her role of mothering was limited to feeding us and clothing us and the older we got, the less and less of those things she did. As far as being interested in me as a person, encouraging my passion, or helping me in any way: forget it! She could not have told you my favorite color or the name of my best friends if her life depended on it. Before I had kids, a friend told me that everyoe should have kids because doing so made you more compassionate towards your parents and more respectful of the job they did raising you. In my case, the opposite turned out to be true. I would NEVER behave towards my children in the way my parents did. What seemed normal and okay when we were growing up now seems neglectful and hateful and I respect my parents- especially my mother- much LESS now. My kids will never go without eyeglasses or trips the dentist so I can have money for ski trips and fur coats. I AM interested in how my kids' days went at school and I ask them about their lives all the time. My mother never ONCE asked my how my day was. Not once. I think it did affect me as a young girl. I wanted a boyfriend in my life so terribly bad, I can't describe the longing I felt. I thought all girls wanted the same thing but now I think I wanted it too much. More than is healthy. I wanted someone to love me because no one else did. I felt completely unacknowledged and was looking for someone to fill in that gap. Thanks mom! Gee, why didn't you just take the pill so you'd never have to deal with insufferable kids?
Feb 13 - 8PM
alittledark
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I was raised by my step-mother

and she was all the things you listed except physically abusive, but she did yell all the time. She yelled so much that I developed a lot of nervous habits. She was very jealous of me and my dad and would never allow me to even sit in my dad's lap. I think that is why I seem to be always longing for emotional attachment to someone. (My husband is anything but emotional, lol, but he is the opposite of the narc.) I hated my step-mother with a passion and just recently I was diagnosed with TMJ that was caused from years of clenching my teeth because I always held in my anger. And to this day I have anger issues. I never had friends over to our house when I was a child because I knew she would humiliate and belittle me in front of them. It's strange, but today she has mellowed out and knows she can no longer hurt me, but I feel very uncomfortable hugging her. I sincerely believe that I am drawn to men that are the strong, take-charge type who adores me and in my eyes is my hero. Please don't think bad of me when I say that my husband doesn't fill my deepest longings for the type of man I have always dreamed of. I guess I always thought that my knight in shining armor would come to take me away from my miserable childhood. Emotional ties are like threads for relationships and so much effects our emotions like our environment and genes. Life is too complicated sometimes, when all I really want is to feel truly loved and wanted unconditionally. Thanks Amazed for this topic...certain topics make me feel like "unloading" and this is a safe place to unload. Seems like my therapist will be working hard for her money when she talks with me, lol. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Amazed
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alittledark, i think you are onto something

The fact that you have endured this challenge shows how strong you are,,yet you know it was something you 'endured' or had to deal with, and the anger that was there because you knew something wasn't right, and werent given a two way street or open communication to discuss it. Some people call it a block, but I feel the EXACT same way you do..that there was no place for this natural closeness.. Closeness brings you togetherness, that brings you power, that brings you fulfillment, and that brings you success. I feel you on this one, when a guy can really take charge, we feel in control, that everything just falls into place. We love that. We feel that unconditional love, that is what true love, and romance is all about. Love you when you are dirty, love you when you are clean, love you when you are wearing a dress or jeans, they love you all around. There is true love out there like that alittledark, that is ultimate... When we encounter the conditional love,,,that feels not like true love at all,,,we don't operate on conditional love, and don't take well to accepting it.
Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
alittledark
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I always find myself saying...what if?

What if my childhood had been different? That "block" you mentioned Amazed....well, I'm going to break through that one day hopefully, and not be bound anymore by bad memories and especially by the longings for the one guy that convinced me he was my knight. I want that fulfillment and success, but maybe I have to accept what is already in front of me. My husband and two kids, but I still long for more. Geez, I am so messed up sometimes, lol. Isn't it strange how we get into a relationship with a Narc expecting so much and come full circle to the misery we felt as a child? I wish you the best Amazed. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

Feb 13 - 8PM
gettinbetter
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My Mother is not evil at all

My Mother is not evil at all and she tried to be a good mother and she is however she is VERY VERY Negative. I dont think she realizes it but she is. Sometimes I will tell her about something good and she will go thats great! and then will follow it up with a BUT always seeing a negative side to it. It seems that this has really come out in her since my Dad died 10 years ago. I have really become aware of it since digging down in myself to figure out why I have allowed the same person to do this to me twice with a 15 year break in between. I have started to point it out to her and she says sick of it I didnt mean it like that I just want to be aware of the other side of things. I have also noticed that sometimes my mother doesnt respect my boundaries and I will tell her I dont want to discuss something and she will do it anyway as if I never said anything. I feel almost guilty saying these things about my mom because I know that she and my Dad loved me dearly and always wanted to see me do well. I was a bit spoiled and they honestly gave me more than I deserved as I gave them a bit of a rough time during ages 17-20 where I began to rebel a little but It is true about my Mom and her sister is the same way only she is the "poor me" type where my mom is the more assertive type.
Feb 13 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Amazed
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Sick of it, my mother is the same way,,

Seeing the "other side" of things,,and always concentrating on the negative. No matter what, she is always concentrating on the negative, not at all encouraging. Or nurturing. Or easy to speak with. I don't get that, and wonder if this is a trait that has affected us? Almost predisposing us to want to be with a guy who fulfills our dreams,,,
Feb 13 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
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My Mom is very nurturing and

My Mom is very nurturing and if I need her she is there. I just wish she would be a little more positive. On the surface she is positive but she always has to see the negative of something. She explained as being balanced. I said no Mom thats not being balanced. Anyway I have done a ton of reading about why I would have engaged with this man twice and there are alot of people that say people who stay in these relationships and something in their childhood or adolescence that causes them to renenact the conflict and It has be true because when you examine what goes on in these relationships you see how obsurd it all is that you allow them to treat you that and even ask for more. That is indicative of something inside of you that needs to be dealt with. I was just thinking if my mom knew the N came back and tried to hoover me from my husband she would go crazy! When we dated the first when I was young my parents initially loved him. He was charming from a good family. On the surface everything you would want for your daughter. They started to see over time thru me that something wasnt right. The N and I even had altercations where he called my Dad. Then 2 weeks later we would be back together. It really disturbed my parents that they were watching their daughter turn into a shadow of herself
Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Amazed
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Sickofit and how N deal with your family

If they can't be giving with your family, this says alot. He might come across as charming, however not good when they are living a lie, or double life and can't back up a relationship,,and you are RIGHT,,this affects who you are, and you become almost a 'SHADOW OF YOURSELF'..that should tell you this person is using you..