Does a True Narcissist Keep Returning for a Long Time?

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#1 Feb 2 - 12PM
teresa10
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Does a True Narcissist Keep Returning for a Long Time?

I was living with my guy for 8 years and lived everything in the pages of both books. From the Jekel and Hyde personality, to cheating, punishing and to ignoring me. I told him I was leaving last January. That's when all the pleas of change and how much he loves me happened. His requests for me to stay wasn't working so he changed the lock on our front door and when my kids and I returned home - couldn't get in. When I said to him that he locked us out, he said, "no I changed the locks". I said, "I didn't have a key." Have been out of the house since April 2011. Friends took us in for four months. These friends live right around the corner from my house. I avoided contact because I was angry and couldn't believe the horrible things he did. I remembered it all. He would drive past everyday to see if my car was there. I didn't block his number or change my email. In August 2011 I bought a home for me and my kids. Which he is not allowed near, and he is so bothered by that. Our home is peaceful, it's love, it's happy.

Since last January 2011 to the present he has been wanting to show me change, love and make everything up to me that he says he knows he did in the past. I guess my question is would a true narcissist keep pursuing for so long? I would think if he is not getting the attention he would go back on his computer activities which he had done in the past. Could he realize that he truly did screw up? Lose someone really important in his life?

Some days are difficult. Going from remembering the hurt, to remembering some of the good. Having to change your life from all that time. Also feeling that I was wasting all that love on someone that didn't even feel it. But again, now he says he can't change the past he can only change the future if I give him the chance.

Feb 2 - 11PM
Im_always_fine
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I accessed his e mails and

I accessed his e mails and messages last summer and was able to read 100's and 100's of e mail he fired off to every bloody girlfriend and woman he ever knew!!! Some from 25 years ago. Really romantic "I've never stopped thinking about us" stuff. All the while he's living with me. He just seems to have a "loop" he keeps coming back around.
Feb 2 - 8PM
teresa10
teresa10's picture

Does a true Narcissist keep pursuing for a long period?

Oh and he told me he is going to join the gym where I work because when I left he went through a depression and put on weight!!!! And the gym where I work is the most convenient and price is right. Why, why must he be at the same gym??? Why , crap!
Feb 2 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
IncognitoBurrito
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red flag alarm

How manipulative! Oh, how convenient, for HIM. Now you'll have to either switch gyms, or stop going if you want to maintain NC. Isn't that thoughtful of him? He's totally putting your wants and needs into consideration here... but not really. Wow, way to disregard any boundaries you may have put up already. Nice guy. All he's concerned about is controlling the outcome he wants, until he changes his mind. You know, he could just honor your decision, and completely leave you the hell alone. He does have that option. He's being disrespectful at this point, and borderline stalkerish. It's not about love, it's about control. He sounds like a creep.
Feb 2 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
teresa10
teresa10's picture

red flag alarm - oh yeah

Oh well he said he needs to start doing what he wants. Even though knowing I work there he will go anyway. We actually met at a gym nine years ago. I left the gym we met at and work at another gym. Now I am being stalked, right. He did say he might take one of my classes. Just to be a creep. Why should I quit where I work? That's just wrong. I love what I do.
Feb 2 - 8PM
teresa10
teresa10's picture

Does a true Narcissist keep pursuing for a long period?

Thank you for all the support. I know I definitely need it. He now sends me cards, (it was one a week) poems, gifts and he wants to know if its working. I have been writing in a journal just recently and I started it from the very beginning of the relationship. As I write, I notice more things, it's like pieces of a puzzle. I noticed that there were many things that he did that weren't normal. I look back and wish I would have left sooner, I think it would have been easier to cut ties. Less emotional ties. My kids were never shown any emotional support from him in 8 years, and they even encourage me to avoid contact. The writing, reading and now this site will help to keep me focused and on the right path. Thank you all.
Feb 2 - 6PM
needing2know
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My girlfriends ex showed up

My girlfriends ex showed up last week... IT'S BEEN 35 YRS SINCE SHE SEEN HIM!AND HE IS AFTER HE LIKE CRAZY!Told her he has been keeping tabs on everything she has been doing over the last 35 yrs!
Feb 2 - 4PM
Black Pearl
Black Pearl's picture

Yes....10 years he told me

The more i have read the more i understand... and what i have found out is it is something that cannot be changed.... that is something i found hard to accept but it is extremely important to accept what you cant change, and change what you can. the only one we can change is ourselves. And these guys just don't want to change/ and never will change. as they age i believe it never truly is healed it always lives deep within them, they may learn to suppress some of the behaviors, as my dad is a Narcissist re married with children and i can still see it lives within him to this day. You have done a great job staying clear of your Ex N but the only way up is out..... fully out. which includes No Contact at all. My ex N held on to the woman before me for 10 years he still kept contact for 10 years, even thought she was married and had a child he stuck around.... so patience for there NS is something they have. He will always be there lurking in the darkness waiting for the right opportunity to pounce when your most vulnerable.... so it is very important to stay NC. As the story that my EX N told me that he held on to the woman before for 10 years...... i know what he is capable of so i cut the contact. it was the only way to heal my mind, heart, body and soul. NC is the only way to move forward. NC, Time, knowledge on the disorder, support from friends and family and this site will help get you through. Take care Black pearl.
Feb 2 - 3PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

My Narc changed the locks on

My Narc changed the locks on me and my kids also....Normal people dont do these types of things...especially when it is toward someone they supposidly love.... You know what he is capable... You dont want to go down that road again,. NC
Feb 2 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
GeorgiaGirl
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I'm so sorry Jane

Welcome to the club, too! And you are so right...normal people don't do that to their families...psychopaths do!
Feb 2 - 2PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Wow

I've never "met" anyone else who got locked out by the N/P...I'd say welcome to the club but well...anyway... Your ex falls on the psychopath end of the scale in my opinion. These are a breed apart and you would do well to check out Thomas Sheridan's youtube videos as well as Sam Vaknin's videos. These N/P guys don't go away...at least not in my experience. My 1st ex is still going strong after 5 years...we have 3 kids together. His abuse of me and our children gets worse every year. 2nd ex is full blown psychopath and lurks everywhere...we have a 2 year old. I don't say that to scare you but to show you that this requires MEGA boundaries on your part...being NC as much as humanly possible and LC (email only for communication, only about the kids and only when absolutely necessary) the rest of the time. Congrats on getting your own house...this is my dream too!! And hang tough...its not an easy road but you and your kids will be so much better off for what you've gone through. He's shown you what he is...BELIEVE HIM!
Feb 2 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
abusednomore
abusednomore's picture

my exnarc last week broke

my exnarc last week broke into our house and changed the locks, which was weird as he had just agreed to pay the money he owes me! luckily myself and my daughter had moved into my parents a month before and had moved nearly all of my stuff out! altho for all he knew we were still living there, unless he had been following me!
Feb 2 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

They are such

pieces of shit...so glad you weren't there! That would have scared the hell out of me!!
Feb 2 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

T, dearheart, please read

the blogs on this site. The answers are here. And the answer to this particular question is yes. I have a question for you: Why are you in contact with this person? He will return as long as you engage with him. No contact, complete no contact, is your key to freedom and peace of mind. This will continue because you're allowing it by not going NC. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF.

spinning

Feb 2 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Response to dearheart

Hello spinning..not. I've read many of your replies here and trust your opinions..Are you saying that narcs can never change? I've been doing a boatload of reading & studying. Survey says they are the most difficult to treat but also says they get better (whatever that means) as they get into their 40's. Well my xn was 62 and had so many failed relationships where he was misunderstood and never at fault. I assumed with age comes maturity. Boy was I wrong. I have had nc since the break up. I suppose that because this is so fresh, I would have trouble refusing him if he wanted back in. If I would aree to see him only at the therapists...no other cotact...This wold be the litmus test. He would need to agree for 6 mos of therapy. Who am I kidding? He would feel put upon and not follow thru. thoughts?
Feb 2 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Dear shock and awe.some - Ns

Dear shock and awe.some - Ns never change - ever. My xN has been an evil monster since at least 19 - he's now 66. According to Sam Vaknin - they actually get much worse with age. It's not about maturity - they are disordered subhumans - they remain a 5 year old monster no matter how old. Therapy for a N is pointless they are able to manipulate the most astute therapist. Your hope that therapy might work is still part of fantasy thinking - that the N can fixed - they cannot, they don't believe they have a problem (we are/have the problem), they have no intention of changing. Ns perceive themselves as perfect and as they are able to secure and manipulate supply regularly, no matter how dreadfully they behave, they would not see the point in changing even if they could even perceive of themselves as disordered - which they can't. Therapy would be contact. It requires hard work to beat the addiction, read everything, gain knowledge, insight, work on core issues that led to the addiction, work the tools gained through reading, come to the forum for support. When you are able to stand back and objectively see what a N really is - love dies instantly. No contact provides clarity, allows the work done/tools gained to assist the healing process. NC = peace, sanity and allows us to start our new journey to freedom and a full life - N free. Narcissist in Old Age: Sam Vaknin http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=GB&v=1IYvUORlUe0
Feb 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

shock and awe.some, I am not

an expert, but the experience that I have and the information that I've read is that they do not change. They are not "wired" like we are. Please do more reading and research, including Sam Vaknin's information and psychiatric journals. The problem with "treating" a narcissist is they are often able to fool the therapist. Here is some more reading for you. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/24/why-narcissist-will-never-change http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/ http://able2know.org/topic/101932-1 http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/17/why-narcissist-inevitably-devalues-discards-dd-you shock and awe.some, I hope this helps you to reach your own conclusion. In my experience, they cannot change. I gave Freak Boy more than once opportunity (he often saw a therapist and was a cop who passed a psych test...btw he has a master's degree in psychology...) and it just got worse and worse until I was almost completely destroyed. Keep learing, keep reading, keep striving, shock. You will find all the answers and strength you need. Hugs to you from, (not) spinning. BUT STILL LEARNING

spinning

Feb 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Can an N ever change

thank you oh wise one. I guess I know in my heart that he will not change. Otherwise he would be in a stable loving relationship at 62. I am strong on the NC part because I am disgusted with him. Thanks for the suggestions for reading material. Instead of crying all night, I now come to this blog for support and sometimes I laugh. I am so proud of myself. I was at the club the other night and a guy came on to me. Bitched about his ex never understanding him. She complains sooooo much. Then he start in on me. You are a very beautiful woman with a great figure. Your green eyes, your hair.blah..blah..blah. I was instantly able to identify him as a narc! Only thru this site would I have been able to gain this knowledge. tuvm!
Feb 2 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

good girl, shock ... you are

very awe.some for that!! And for committing to spend your time concentrating on what's best for YOU and not the disordered freak who will not change. It will be time well spent, you'll see! When you do the work and sweep out the debris and destruction from the disordered one, it makes room for beautiful things to enter your life. Good work on the boundaries last night, green eyes!! (lolol) ;) sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING AT HOW MANY SELF-CENTERED MEN WHO THINK WE'LL FALL AT THEIR FEET WALK THIS PLANET!

spinning