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Even with all I know...I still can't let him go...

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#1 Aug 21 - 11AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Even with all I know...I still can't let him go...

So it seems that round 3 of Mr. N has come to a close. After pursuing me to become the OW again, he made the terrible mistake of getting caught. During this brief time of unrelenting grief and hurt for him, he texted me all kinds of amazing statements about how grateful he was that I was in his life and how he loved me, even if he did not always show it. He kept saying how he wanted to get together....but then would defer or have an excuse why he couldn't see me. Now it back to complete silence unless I text him first. I realize that this situation is wrong for me on so many levels...yet, I know that I am not ready to let go. Even my theapist made the astute comment that if I try to end it, I will only sabotage that later by trying to win him back.

It would be one thing if he did not mirror my childhood wound so much (although I doubt he is that aware of it), then it would be a lot easier. But because he does mirror it so well...I am addicted to the hope that I can finally fix it with him. I'm not saying it's rational (addiction never is), but that is where I am.

Every day I fight the urge to text him or email him because I know that it isn't doing me any good. Any attempt to send a "I sense this is over, had a great time" text is just another lousy attempt to get "one more time, one more chance" with Mr. N. I am trying to use this time of silence to really dig deep into myself and try to become accepting (although I never be comfortable) with the fact that there is no hope for fixing that wound. The wound will always be there and I will always need to be on alert for Ns since they are my weakness.

I have read so many members on this board get down on themselves for getting back with the N, for breaking NC. NC is a goal...but we all much reach it in our own time. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself, accept yourself and be kind to yourself as you go through your own process.

As my therapist has also pointed out...you cannot control another person through your words or actions, but you have the ability to enact huge change within yourself that makes you less vunerable to the controlling ways of others.

HUGS.

Aug 22 - 9AM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

CD

Huge hugs TNR1 for reaching out and posting that you are not doing very well at this time. If NC is your true goal - you will get there. Given enough practice we all can get there. But getting througth the CD, confusion, and trying to fall out of love takes a long while so BE PATIENT sending you lots of support and hugs today you are not alone and you have all the tools in front of you, it will take time and practice but you WILL get there and we will be there celebrating with you when you do!! you wrote: The most important thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself, accept yourself and be kind to yourself as you go through your own process. you are goingto be just fine since you understand that we have to learn to comfort and love ourselves through this break up!
Aug 21 - 2PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

"how he loved me but did not always show it"

Mine used to say he loved me too. But the more time that went on, the more hollow those words sounded. Don't listen to his words,just listen to his actions and behavior.
Aug 21 - 2PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I finally put the n aside for

I finally put the n aside for awhile in therapy and dealt with the childhood stuff with my therapist. After that it took alot of the power away from the toxic relationship with the n. I would be fine if we never talked again. That is testimony to therapy and the willingness in me to work on myself. I agree about the process being individual regarding nc, but I need to remember that contact never made me love myself more. Contact is always disruptive and makes me ruminate and obsess. That is the truth. Fantasy thinking kept me unhappy, emotionally raw, and detached from my real life. I was addicted to it, no doubt as I look back. I get triggered by things, but am learning to sort all this shit out. Best of luck to you as you work yourself through the maze. And remember, just because he doesn't always act like a narc doesnt mean he will morph into normal. He is disordered, and will stay that way. Just becasue we don't always catch them cheating (looking for supply), doesnt mean they aren't doing it. Biting dogs bite, and narcs lie and cheat! ds
Aug 21 - 1PM
Journey
Journey's picture

TNR1

What you know about him and how you feel about him still needs to integrate in your heart and mind. It takes awhile away from him and his influence before that can happen. You just haven't had enough time away from the cog dis yet which makes staying NC very difficult. What your therapist said about "you cannot control another person through your words or actions..." This hits a nail on the head for me. I saw for myself that it was my unwillingness to give up trying to control the outcome of my relationship (long after the split) as a turning point in my recovery. Even though he had moved on and I was discarded, a part of me didn't want to give up the sense of control that I thought I could hold onto (or thought I might still have). In truth, I NEVER really had any control over my exN or the relationship, he always made sure HE did. Even after the split, it was an illusion that by me saying or doing anything, he would care enough for me to have affected a different outcome than WHATEVER HE decided for HIM. It only EVER was all about him anyway. It is a long road to healing from this. NC IS the fastest route and the only one without dozens of road blocks and hurdles to constantly maneuver around or get stuck behind. Journey on...

Journey on...

Aug 21 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Hey Journey....

I have to admit, my therapist knows me sooo well...all the time I was talking to her about the situation with Mr. N, she knew I was trying to influence the outcome. The other thing she said was...in a normal relationship, people can manipulate each other with predictable outcomes...however there is no "predictable" outcome with a Narc. They sense you are trying to manipulate them and will respond dead opposite of what you are trying to achieve. As such, there is no rhyme or reason with a Narc and no way to have any hope of influencing or controlling the ending. It stinks..really, truly stinks. I do love that man, Narc that he is and I hate abandoning him because I know what it is like to have inconsistant "love". I know, I know...he has already abandoned me....but I feel so compelled not to do the same back. Ugh!!
Aug 22 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

TRN1

you have one heck of a good therapist when she said the narcs are unpredictable and will do the exact opposite of the outcome you are trying to achieve, like when i sent some cards to the narc, hoping for a response of some sort for my closure, hell no, he did not respond with anything and never will, so I am offically done, YIPPEE, after over 2 plus years out of being dumped.............where is the celebration party.
Aug 21 - 1PM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

TNR1

TNR1, I think you will conquer this addiction eventually and you can get to this stage in your own time. Bear in mind that it is not really him that you are trying to let go of, it is what he pretended to be. He seemed to be offering you everything that you wanted, a dream come true, but it was all an illusion. Being forced to face this reality is a traumatic shock to the system and a huge disappointment. But it is the dream that you don't want to let go of really, not the man himself. The reality is that this man can't give you what you deserve and is incapable of making anybody happy, including himself. As you go through the recovery process with the support of your therapist and this forum you WILL feel your power gradually increasing and his "power" gradually diminishing. There will come a time when you feel strong again. Believe me. xxx
Aug 21 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Nemeis

SO true, it is the ILLUSION of the man that is the most difficult to let go of, the person we had hopes and dreams of what he could be, or thought he was, even my therapist of a long time ago, said to me, onwithmylife, you are putting the man on a pedestal, that is a dangerous situation. Instead after being out several years,i see the narc as a cowardly, fragmented, emotional immature, man, with a deep seated hatred of all women,scared of all women, and hatred of himself. He has damaged so many people lives, has only one adult child who talks to him, 4 others do not care if he is alive or dead, a rotten to the core, petty man..............who has not a clue to his mass destruction of so many who knew him. My therapist used the very word, illusion when he spoke to me of the narc.
Aug 21 - 11AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

A great addiction saying

A great addiction saying is Insanity is repeating the same things whilst expecting different results So true
Aug 21 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

TNRI 1

WHAT CAN I SAY?...I AM NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIM THAT YOU DONT ALREADY KNOW...SO ALL I WILL SAY IS STAY ON THE BOARD UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO GO NC...YES WE ALL KNOW ABOUT ADDICTIONS... MY FRIEND ONCE SAID TO ME....YOU DO LOVE A LOST CAUSE DONT YOU USED?....WELL I DID..I DONT NOW....I HAVE ADDRESSED MY DEMONS AND NO THEY ARE NOT GONE ALL TOGETHER THEY WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME....BUT I DONT NEED TO BE OR WANT TO BE WITH PEOPLE[NARCS] WHO KEEP WAKING THE SLEEPING BEASTS.... IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN UNTIL YOU DONT WANT HIM ANYMORE...AND THAT DAY WILL COME...UNTIL THEN...
Aug 21 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
monilove
monilove's picture

You can do it

I love what USED said: IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN UNTIL YOU DONT WANT HIM ANYMORE...AND THAT DAY WILL COME... Please believe you can get there! After many failed attempts at getting out of a seriously toxic, life sucking, draining, verbally abusive relationship I finally knew it was him or me (my sanity and health basically) So I decided that I had to suffer through the withdrawals of wanting to text and/or call constantly. I had to walk through the pain of unbearable loneliness and I had to forget about cuddling, great sex and those intermittent moments of happiness that we shared. As you know, it is like a drug addiction and it is excruciatingly difficult, not to give in to the contact addiction, but once you make a solid decision to really do it, you'll be surprised how quickly your mindset changes and how quickly you start to let go of the "fantasies" you may have had about this person and your relationship. Everyday, many times a day, I conjour up in my head, lots of reasons to contact my ex, because I still miss that contact (am only a couple of weeks into my last and final attempt at NC - hopefully!). but I know if I do, there is no doubt that he and I will fall back into the same horrific pattern of abuse. So I cannot contact this person no matter how much it hurts! What USED said is great because even though I miss the contact (habit). I really don't want him anymore and hopefully you'll get to that point. It's a great feeling, to no longer crave that drug. Keep trying... Work through the pain.. Know it is only temporary and when you're really ready, you must committ 100% to NC. It works! Hugs Monique
Aug 21 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Thanks Monique...

I have no doubt that I will be able to go completely NC soon...I just have to honor what is going on with me right now. The good news (if you can call it that) is because Mr. N is no longer in a relationship (I have no doubt he is on the hunt at the moment) he really doesn't need an OW. So, I suspect, it will likely be a LONG time before I hear from him again. Between D&D 1 and encounter 2, there were 7 months...with intermittent emails of encouragement and checking in from me. I'm not sure if encounter 2 would have even happened had I not kept feeding him with NS. 7 months after encounter 2 is when Mr. N pursued me for encounter 3 (although there were some random texts around the Christmas time). I could count between my hands and feet the number of times that I have actually seen Mr. N since we first got together, so that in itself is a rather serious indication of how little he truly thinks of me, while I've put my dating life on hold for him. Thankfully, I have a pretty great group of friends and lots of activities that keep me busy....but the addiction does continue to nip at me and I have (so far) resisted...but it's a day by day thing.
Aug 21 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

MONIQUE

THIS IN A AWY IS HOW I GOT OUT...IN6/7 YEARS I WENT BACK SO MANY TIMES I LOST COUNT...AND STILL WANTED TO...THEN SLOWLY I RELIZED AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS ,THAT AS SOON AS I MET HIM...HE GOT ON MY NERVES...SO I THEN WOULD STAY AWAY ,THEN BACK HE CAME,AND THIS TIME I COULD ONLY BE OUTSIDE WITH HIM[WHAT I MEAN IS..IN WINTER ALL OUR COFFEE DRINKING A SOCIALISING WAS INSIDE....SO I DIDNT WANT HIM TO NEAR ME...THIS WAS FOLLOWED BY WHEN WE WERE OUT..I USED TO KEEP MOVING AWAY FROM HIM...HE SAID ONCE...I KNOW YOU DONT WANT ME ANYMORE BUT I WONT GIVE YOU UP..THIS WENT ON AND ON AND ON.....THEN 3YEARS DOWN THE LINE HIS G/F? WHO I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT[AS HE DIDNT DO RELATIONSHIPS] CAME AND TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.....HE DENIED IT..CALLED HER A LIAR...SHE IS TRYING TO BREAK US UP..HAHA] THEN PLEASE STAY FRIENDS WIH ME ...I SAID OK...I THEN D/D 3TIMES THEN THE 4TH TIME WAS 22MNTHS AGO...I HAVENT LOOKED BACK..WELL I HAVE LOL..BUT I AM DONE...SO BASICLY I HAD TO KEEP GOING BACK UNTIL JUST THE SIGHT OF HIM WAS TOO MUCH.....IN OTHER WORDS I OVERDOSED ON HIM....AND SO THAT WAS THAT....WAS IT HARD YES BUT SO IS ANYTHING WORTHWHILE...THE MEANS JUSTIFIED THE ENDS FOR ME.......