Even with all I know...I still can't let him go...
Even with all I know...I still can't let him go...
So it seems that round 3 of Mr. N has come to a close. After pursuing me to become the OW again, he made the terrible mistake of getting caught. During this brief time of unrelenting grief and hurt for him, he texted me all kinds of amazing statements about how grateful he was that I was in his life and how he loved me, even if he did not always show it. He kept saying how he wanted to get together....but then would defer or have an excuse why he couldn't see me. Now it back to complete silence unless I text him first. I realize that this situation is wrong for me on so many levels...yet, I know that I am not ready to let go. Even my theapist made the astute comment that if I try to end it, I will only sabotage that later by trying to win him back.
It would be one thing if he did not mirror my childhood wound so much (although I doubt he is that aware of it), then it would be a lot easier. But because he does mirror it so well...I am addicted to the hope that I can finally fix it with him. I'm not saying it's rational (addiction never is), but that is where I am.
Every day I fight the urge to text him or email him because I know that it isn't doing me any good. Any attempt to send a "I sense this is over, had a great time" text is just another lousy attempt to get "one more time, one more chance" with Mr. N. I am trying to use this time of silence to really dig deep into myself and try to become accepting (although I never be comfortable) with the fact that there is no hope for fixing that wound. The wound will always be there and I will always need to be on alert for Ns since they are my weakness.
I have read so many members on this board get down on themselves for getting back with the N, for breaking NC. NC is a goal...but we all much reach it in our own time. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself, accept yourself and be kind to yourself as you go through your own process.
As my therapist has also pointed out...you cannot control another person through your words or actions, but you have the ability to enact huge change within yourself that makes you less vunerable to the controlling ways of others.
HUGS.
CD
"how he loved me but did not always show it"
I finally put the n aside for
TNR1
Journey on...
Hey Journey....
TRN1
TNR1
Nemeis
A great addiction saying
TNRI 1
You can do it
Thanks Monique...
MONIQUE