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Ex contacting me

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#1 Mar 31 - 4PM
shyloh
shyloh's picture

Ex contacting me

My exh (since August) contacted me today regarding financial stuff. (which was all resolved by our attorneys months ago). Anyway, he called me at work and this is the first time he has called me to talk in awhile, so it was new. i mean obviosly we share things to talk about because we have a child together, but up until this point it has been somewhat strained and brief.
He wanted to discuss our life insurance policies, which I had to get my attorney to send a letter to him in order to have him follow through, amongst other things that he did not follow through on. Sadly, I had to pay an attorney to motivate him, since he is a Narc, he never thinks he is wrong and I am always wrong....still I supose to this day.
He tried to get me to agree to believing I should pay something re: taxes from 2 years ago and he also discussed with me how broke he is -"living pay check to pay check" paying me, oh his child support went up and he had some comment about that. And that he wishes he could see D more ofetn but the plane fairs are expensive, etc etc. All in all he was nice, I was nice and I maintained my boundaries. And I ended the call, as I was at work.
I have to say I think I have finally moved into the acceptance phase that my mariirage is over, the fantasy is dead and he is moved on with a much younger woman and lives 1200 miles away seeing our daughter infrequently. But hearing from him, even though the content was blech-I was happy to talk to him. sad sad I know, pathetic I know, I was even hoping it was the beginning of the end of his new relationship and maybe he was going to start talking to me, confiding things again. Which, believe me, I will maintain the boundaries and not go there-but I was excited that it may have come to that.
Do you think it was odd that he called and talked to me about all of that-at length , then asking what my plans were for the summer, etc (I am sure pertaining to D visiting) but this wa the first conversation other than just the facts mam in awhile.

Apr 1 - 1PM
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

Shyloh

they do this for their ego's. the do it to make themselves "appear" all caring and all the while trying to make themselves look good. I have just going thru one of simular type scenerios myself. I wish we could have PM'ed 3 weeks ago, lol. they know us, they think they can play on our emotions. they know what buttons to press, but, guess what, we have changed our buttons!! I hope you reset your boundries about him staying at your house, and... why should you leave, it's your place! think of all the hard work you have gone thru to get to where you are now. We can not still be financailly responsible for them. Trust me :) Mine actually asked me to lower child support b/c I asked him to take our kids for a week in the summer (im travelling with work) and he said becaus he will "have them for an extended amount of time" if you can imagine?!? I asked him first because he is their father, Id be glad to have my parents look after them with no cost at all!!

Playedwithfire

Apr 1 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Odd?

Nope, not for a Narc, he needs something! Idealk
Apr 1 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Yup Ideal

They ALWAYS have an angle...They think "What can I get out of this?" bastards.
Apr 1 - 1PM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

RED FLAG

The first thing I notice is him asking about life insurance. Something doesn't feel right about that.
Apr 1 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

Life Insurance

I had asked him about it awhile back because it was in our divorce decree and he was refusing, so i got my attorney to file a motion. He owes my parents a lot of money, which he is paying off monthly and I just wanted to be sure if something happenned to him #1 D would be taken care of financially and #2 my parents loan would be paid for.
Apr 1 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

kizzy

not necessarily, in a lot of cases, life insurance is mandatory during a settlmeent w/child support. I know where you're going but let's not go there right now at least...LOL A legitimate consideration...but I don't think one too suspicious given the circumstances.
Apr 1 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Let's redirect and do some advanced damage control

But hearing from him, even though the content was blech-I was happy to talk to him. sad sad I know, pathetic I know, I was even hoping it was the beginning of the end of his new relationship and maybe he was going to start talking to me, confiding things again. Which, believe me, I will maintain the boundaries and not go there-but I was excited that it may have come to that. Delete the thought, do not get "happy" he will confide in you...narcs are users, manipulators and cannot even be a FRIEND. Your relationship with him is strictly business no more no less...the business of the money and your daughter PERIOD - get the fantasy out the window with a quickness...they will drain you, bleed you, use you, suck you dry even on a friendship level, cannot receiprocate. If this turns you on, become a social worker and get PAID. Sorry to sound so cut and dry, but as much as you say you'll keep boundaries...hahahaha...they're good at what they do and he will wear you down and second time will be much less of a "charm" PUN INTENDED. You don't have to hate, but you do have to be emotionally detached...FOREVER as they cannot be cured. Hugs!
Apr 1 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

you got that right Michele

i have heard this clear view from you as well, they are users and abusers. they always want something from you and it aint frienship!

Playedwithfire

Apr 1 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Detachment

I'd rather donate to Japan, not expecting a thank-you note or an acknowledgment! The ex-Psych prof would harshly criticize that I'd volunteer&give to charities, saying there was no payoff. That I didn't get ANYTHING in return. Yes, I donate canned food to the local food bank... and while I don't get homeless guys sending me Thank You notes, it doesn't get thrown in my face either! I do it of my own free will... not because of the FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) "Become a social worker and get PAID"-I prefer my nephew who's a toddler to the ex-P. He can't reciprocate me emotionally/intellectually... he'll wake up howling in the middle of the night... but it's BECAUSE HE'S A TODDLER. I'd rather deal with a toddler who can't even talk yet to a middle-aged guy who blabs endlessly for hours&acts like a toddler.
Apr 1 - 12PM
shyloh
shyloh's picture

To Agnes

Thanks Agnes that is an almost unbelievable story!!!!!! So, after the fact I see that yes he indeed called me because it was tax season and he wanted to con me out of a little money. Well, I am not going to pay it, but I will address the visitation issue's we discussed. So I know you are right that I should be happy that mine is far away, becasue I could see myself getting sucked in. You think he wont try because I am to far? He asked if he could stay at my house when he visits D, although, that is because before I told him he could and I would leave. i was trying to help the frequency of him visiting her by it being cheaper for him. I guess when I heard from him yesterday , for a minute I was happy. But looking back on the conversation, I realize what it was and I also recall him being taken back that I ended the conversation, etc. And then not responding to a text about D, like he was punishing me because I wouldnt just agree with him and pay him the money. Guess I was only useful when I gave him what he wanted and didnt object to his opinions. Anyway thanks for your help:)
Mar 31 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Odd?

No, it's not odd. It's tax time. He's broke. Has an issue with some tax tghing 2 years ago & he hopes to con you into giving him money. Or a brak on child support. And a good time to act as if he's dealing with that life insurance issue. Maybe he's got girlfriend problems. But he'll have a new on immediately. You are not useful because too far away. Don't get sucked into be a phone buddy of an N. Finally, be glad he's 1,200 miles away & too broke to see the child. My friend has one who is about 1,000 miles away & has enough money to see the child 1x or more a month! And is a very concerned father (controlling). Be gklad you don't have to deal with that.
Apr 1 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

Thanks Agnes, yup for a

Thanks Agnes, yup for a minute I found myself getting sucked into-why he was calling me. But I did realize that its about money-sad sad sad, becasue for one minute I thought that he was confiding in me, etc etc. and I was even going to consider paying part of the tax thing from when we were married. But then I thought-if he didnt ask for it in the divorce decree, it aint happenin. I am not paying it and I am not getting sucked into pathalogical hope. Thanks for setting me straight!:) Oh and btw yes I am glad I donthave to deal with him more than I do. And I actually think it is pathetic that he can only see his daughter 3x's a year.
Apr 1 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Money

It's all about money & support (of some kind) with these guys. When I left my N, he pretty much left me alone because he replaced me the day I left with a woman whom he thought had money. However, about one month after I left him, I was beseiged for 10 days with reconciliation e-mails (6/1-6/10). Thousands of words. It was painful for me, but I did not respond (not trusting the consistency of his behavior). On the 10th day I received an e-mail, "OK. You want a divorce. Do it ASAP." A few times there after I got some reconcilation messages, but very fleeting. Well, after we were divorced, the NW contacted me. We read all his e-mails together. The 6/1-6/10 series left her stunned. He was proposing to her at that time. One e-mail was sent from her son's birthday party on an I-Phone! Imbedded in all those thousands of words was a sentence. "The bank won't refinance the house. The house will have to be sold. But this is not why I want to reconcile." NW said, he never told her that. He told her he was terrified to have a mortgage & wanted her to put up the capital which he needed to buy my share. She told me on 6/10, his parents wired the money to buy me out. The day he decided I wanted a divorce. Within one month of meeting this NW he was proposing to her. They were gonna spend the rest of their lives together. All of that to raise the money to buy my share. And the reason he married me was to raise my capital to buy this house. Read My Story. Also, the ASAP thing for the divorce. My lawyer was pushing to have it done within 6 months. N had written in the agreement that he would give me the money for the house within 90 days of the signing of the agreement. (mMoney he had in the bank for 5 months already when we signed the agreement.) I even have e-mails where he wrote about his negotiations with the bank & he needed time to get the money. He withheld giving me the money until the 90th day! So, he sat on the cash in the bank for 8 months to earn interest. And, one of the reasons why he needed a divorce ASAP was because he & NW were getting married (or so she thought). She even gave him the referral to the divorce lawyer he used (a shark). But, then, all his actions stalled the divorce. And, in the end, when he stole from her & broke her possessions which she moved into (my and) his house, he had the shark lawfirm to defend him & she had great difficulty because she was unable to find another killer lawyer. Another time he sought reconciliation with me . . . that was two weeks after she moved into the house. Apparently he wanted her to buy a new washing machine for the house & to help pay for a new kitchen & appliances. She said she was not investing in a house that his wife co-owned & that she was not ever buying into this house which he had bought with his wife. (The implication being his beloved house, the one he married wife for her money to get would be sold & a new one purchased with his new bride. Not in his plans.) So he sought reconcilation with me (better cash cow). Two weeks before our divorce date, he called me seeking reconcilation. Later I would learn, she had left him 32 hours earlier. Every reconciliation e-mail I received could be dated to times when he learned NW was not coughing up the money he wanted or they were arguing & she was leaving him.