eyeswideopen's story

I posted this story in another part of the forum and realized it should have been posted here. I am posting the story here with additional information.

I just exited a 15 year "relationship" with a somatic narcissist. Of course, I now know the man I was in love with was his False Self, a man who does not and never did exist. Because of my own avoident and dependent personality traits, he found me to be an excellent source of narcissitic supply. Our relationship started out with him appearing to be the man of my dreams, he was charming, told me funny stories, told me all about HIM! I should have been listening closer, he told me had slept with over 150 women but had never been unfaithful to his wife of 10 years...not until me anyway. Later he told me stories that sounded like being unfaithful although he never admitted to actual intercourse... he propositioned his wife's sister for instance although she turned him down.

He had his hand in several women's pants during his marriage. I always told him that was cheating... in fact I told him sex did not have to occur in order for cheating to occur. You could talk behind your partners back or have an emotional affair... blah blah blah... I know that fell on deaf ears! Basically he told me who he was and I persisted in thinking I was the exception...NOT!

When his wife left him several years after the beginning of our affair my gut reaction told me "our relationship" was over but I put on my rose colored glasses and reminded myself that this was what I had been waiting for. I should have listened to my gut. He had other relationships... fleeting ones or on-line relationships... after we started our affair and before he left his wife. He tried to hide these from me.

After his wife left, I stood by him during his resultant narcissistic injury and then again during his bankruptcy and when he up and quit his job and lived off his 401K and credit cards. I finally told him it was time to get a job... not because he was relying on me...he never did that, but because it was time to get on his feet. I helped him get the job he now holds which is a very good one but he hates it and I can easily see him up and quitting again. Whenever his relationships with other women began to intrude on my awareness he said I was crazy, that he was faithful to me and would never do the things I thought were happening.

Now I know that what I thought was happening was happening only a lot more than I suspected at the time. He said to me once...you always worry about the ones you shouldn't worry about. This meant I am sure, you should worry about ALL of them because if they give me the green light I am gonna go for it every time! Our relationship had its ups and downs but his abuse tended towards the subtle. Out of the blue he would accuse me of cheating for instance... he thought I was like him I am sure. Or he would say I did not contribute to the household chores fairly. He cooked most of the meals and did his share of housework and I lived in his home without paying the bills. In that way he was not textbook.

The thing that broke the story open began when I had to move in with my father to care for him a year and a half. Without my constant adoration he began to seek supply elsewhere. After my father died and I returned to what I always thought was home... his house... he could not back off the levels of attention he was seeking elsewhere. Additionally, he bragged to a close family member about his escapades. Then I saw where he had himself as a single man with one daughter (he has two but only one meets his standards and he has a son also who is rarely mentioned at all)with no mention of me on his online chat room profile. I left furious but returned to him a week later...I was weak and did not yet know the monster. My friend told me... he has not hurt you bad enough yet. I moved back in with him but left again less than 3 weeks later. This time for good. Now I know what he is. And I am OK with that. I am moving on with my life.

Before I finally figured him out he usually hid his need for primary narcissistic supply in the form of any woman who would spread her legs both on-line and/or in person. I finally saw with my own eyes exactly what he was doing. Before I left, I juiced him up good with more sex than he could handle. In fact, our last encounter, I woke up and asked him for sex, I could tell he did not really want to (he had not taken his prescription medicine to facilitate erection in several days) but when I said, "What, are you turning me down? The satyr in him had to go along. He had a hard time achieving an erection and I doubt he had an orgasm. I actually feel good that our last sexual act together was this extremely disappointing one. This because he fancied himself a lover without equal. His semi-soft penis actually traumatized me and I used that as an excuse to avoid sex with him as I planned my departure 3 days later.

The next 2 days I spent assuring him of what a Good Man he was and how I was wrong to EVER doubt his intentions towards me. I also told him I hoped his daughter married a man every bit as Good as him. That was for him as I would never wish that on his daughters; their cross is already big enough to bear. Yes, I lied to the liar. I also managed to develop what if stories that required him to say what he thought of or would do in such situations that I contrived and he told me one lie after another. He was actually doing all of the things that I got him to admit were cheating or monstrous. In this way I achieved my own closure.

When he left for work that last day, I packed my things, gathered up all the personal sex tapes and pictures he had of me, left him a note that said everything but nothing specific and also told him I would not contact him and requesting the same of him and wishing him all the happiness in the world. I have not spoken to him in 3 weeks. He emailed, called, even came by my work, started out with typical narcissistic rage, calling me a 'good actress', then accused me of theft (a lie), backpedaled on the theft, appealed to my goodness and desire for honesty in our relationship to give him "closure" because he desperately wants to know what I know and how I came to know it. I will never tell him.

When I do see him, and I will, although not by any contrivance on my part, I will smile at him non-commitally and ask him how are you, all the while communicating I have moved on. When I think now of how much I loved him or how exciting sex sometimes was with him, I remind myself that the man I loved does not and never did exist.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it that often.
If you keep doing what you are doing then, you will keep getting what you are getting.