Fantasy girl

My exN always called me his fantasy girl. I look for u universal signs, read horoscopes and pick and choose what fits my story. So like an idiot I saw many signs yesterday, I got down on my knees and asked for a sign that he is thinking of me, that he cared, etc. There were many things that were coincidences that happened yesterday. And it spun me into wanting to break NC

I tried to keep busy by watching a movie, of which i nEVER do, I never have time. So I pick this movie and the story line didn't go the way I thought. First off the main characters name was my first name, her H had exNs pet name, and when she met her lover I was thrown into a full blown crying fit over exN. It really stunned me , felt numb when the movie was over. Just sat there crying, thinking is this a sign? Is this a sign he is thinking of me? Should I email him? ....

As weak as I am, I did not break NC. I sat and thought what if I unblock him, what if he emails me back and he is sweet with me. It is something I want to happen. But i very soon remembered that feeling of anxiety thinking, " what if he emails me something hurtful?, what if he doesnt email me at all?, why do i want to feel that anxiety again". BUT I know I will be sorry if I broke NC, my realistic side knows I can never ever see, contact, speak of, and hopefully soon not think of exN. I realized that although I wanted him and the movie triggered my fantasy of him, that it was just that, a fantasy. That I can't have him. It's over. He's gone. That being NC has distanced me enough that I can stop my I impulse to want to break NC by realizing the dire consequences it would have. I finally wrote m first of probably many goodbye letters here. I felt that strength again of being in control. I felt like I was finally doing the right thing again .

And I woke up today feeling happier and free. Realizing I don't need him. He was a part of my life, but he is gone now, just.ike others have come and gone. It wasn't meant to be for him and I. Just like its not meant for me to be a millionaire, or a celebrity, or an astronaut....I know that sounds like silly analogy, but do you see what I mean?

I wrote this hoping it may help others. XX